Episode 7 of the Final Season of LOST

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!   If you have not seen the latest episode of LOST then you didn’t miss much.  But you will also find out what happens if you read this blog.  So proceed at your own peril. Even though there is no real danger, just potential psychological damage from finding out what happens in an episode of LOST before watching it.

That "Oops" file is getting pretty full, Bad Genie.

This week’s lesson is “Be careful what you wish for”.  The last couple weeks I’ve had a hard time keeping up because so much was happening in each episode.  I was hoping it would slow down a bit.  Then it’s like an incompetent Genie heard my wish and made it happen.  Although, since he is incompetent, he made an episode where we got two story lines where the same thing happens in both and it’s really boring.  Incompetent Genie needs to file this one in the bad-over-delivery-on-a-wish file.

The other theory here is that the writers, in a scramble to wrap up the season, crammed as much as they could in the last two episodes.  Then they realized they still have 5 episodes left and have explained everything already.  So now we get 4 episodes of everyone just kinda hanging out, waiting for the final conflict.  Ruh-roh, Shaggy, this could be a long 4 episode stretch.

Overall What is Happening

Not a lot.  We get Ben this week which should have been red flag number one. We learn some truths about him:
1) He is power hungry wherever he goes
2) He will do whatever John Locke tells him to.  Even if John Locke is being portrayed by the Sad Day Monster.
3) He’s a dork.
4) Despite being power hungry he goes with what is “right”.  Even though right isn’t necessarily better.  And is only created because he does some real shady stuff.
5) There’s not a lot of fun in his life.

Seriously.  That’s it.  Oh, and Richard showed back up.  So that’s cool.

More Detailed Episode Recap

We get to follow Ben at school where we get a nice reminder that Napoleon was exiled to Elba.  Ben says that the loss of his power was worse than death.  He didn’t get to make the point that the years of poisoning that eventually did kill him was worse than losing his power.  I provide History lessons (or really old conspiracy theories) at no extra charge.

After class Ben is minding his own bidniss when Dr. Jerry Hathaway from Real Genius (!) approaches him.  He goes by Principal Reynolds, but I’m not fooled.  I’m gonna keep calling him Jerry (“Don’t call me Jerry.” “Sorry, Jerry.” “Kent, you’re doing it again.”)  Huh? What?  Sorry, blacked out there, back to Real Genius.  Wait, no, Lost.  So Jerry is in full on jerk mode and assigns Ben to be head of detention this week.  As he walks away, Jerry calls him Mr. Linus.  Ben corrects him by saying “It’s Dr. Linus”. No one cares.

Ben starts complaining to the sloppy science teacher.  He points out that Jerry is more an administrator than a teacher and can’t run this school.  Eavesdrop Magee (John Locke) butts in and says “you be principal then”.  His argument is based on watching him flip out on a coffee machine and rant about hating the current principal.  That’s all he needs to entrust the school to someone with no experience.  Ben complains that no one would listen to him.  John says he would.  I say I would not.

That night Ben making TV dinner for his dad who is hooked up to an oxygen tank.  Ben is complaining that he got a Doctorate in Modern European History but now all he does is babysit losers.  Yep.  That sounds like the correct career path with that degree.  Ben says he might be the biggest loser of all.  Yep.  Sounds about right.  Not sure where all this clairvoyance came from on, but no arguments here.

As his dad is going on a pill induced rant about an island and how it could have made Ben a non-nerd, there is a knock at the door.  Ben answers and it is an attractive 22 year old student of his from the high school (Alex).  She wants to know why he missed history club.  He had to watch detention.  Alex is dropping serious clues that she wants to end up on the news for indiscretions.  Ben doesn’t see it.  She finally asks if he will help her study (note that she has books with her).  Ben says “sure, meet you in the library at 7am.” She says OK and leaves.  For her, that had to be a worst case scenario.  She came over hoping to seduce her teacher and now she has to meet him in the library at 7am.  Bummer.

The next day Alex is pretending to care about studying but she can’t focus because she is trying to figure out how to catch Ben in her romance trap.  She starts complaining about how she’ll never get into Yale and maybe not even college.  Ben says he believes in her.  She tries again to make a pass at Ben by referring to Jerry as “that pervert Reynolds”.  He asks what happened.  She says she went to go take a nap in the nurse’s office and when she woke up there was some freaky deaky activities happening in the other room between Jerry and the Nurse.  Ben, in his time with this 22 year old girl, has already proven he doesn’t believe in consensual sex between adults, so he is outraged.  Oh, and Alex needs a recommendation from Jerry to get into Yale.

Ben takes his newfound knowledge to the Sloppy Science Teacher who is flunkin’ kids left and right.  Ben propositions him with hacking Jerry’s e-mail so he can become principal.  I don’t think this was what Locke had in mind when he pitched this concept.  After a little negotiation, he agrees to it.  Then Sloppy Science Teacher says “You had me fooled with the sweatervest.  You’re a real killer.”  I don’t know what the LOST writers have against sweatervests, but I love them and would appreciate it if they would take a break from dressing weird creepy kids in them or implying that all of Ben’s weinerism comes from it.

Ben goes to confront Jerry.  30 emails over 3 months.  You retire, ask that I become your successor.  Jerry says, what about this.  He shows him a computer with an e-mail on it.  I don’t think the school has updated their e-mail interface since 1997 because Holy Lord that font is big.  It’s a note from Alex saying “can you write me a recommendation to Yale?”  Tip for the high schoolers reading this blog: Ask for a recommendation in person, not through e-mail.  Anyway, Jerry says the choice is yours, Ben.  Either you knock this nonsense off or I destroy this girl’s future.  BOOM!

Ben chickens out. He put the needs of one student he has the hots for over helping an entire school full of kids.  Somewhere in Italy Machiavelli is now face down in his grave (he was on his back before).  Alex thanks Jerry for the dope reco.  Ben gets out of detention duty so History Club is back! w00t!  As he leaves the office he runs into Sloppy Science Teacher who asks if he did it.  Ben replies “No, I didn’t.  But the federal government is looking for you on computer fraud charges. They take that stuff pretty seriously. Good luck.”

Checking in on Machievelli. Nice view of Italy on the surface.

On the island of love, Ben is running through the forest and comes across the remnants of Team Jacob + Miles.  Illya (?) is totes suspicious of Ben.  She asks Miles if he can talk to dead people.  Miles says not technically forgetting that there is really no technical way to talk to the dead.  He can, however, pick up some last vibes.  Illya hands Miles a sack full of Jacob to find out what happened.  He says Ben stabbed him dead.  No one likes Ben anymore.

They get to the beach where they find some wreckage.  Cool, this is a show about a plane crash then.  Illya says she’ll build a shelter, some people get food and build a fire.  Miles says “oh sure, because fire will fix everything.”  Miles and I high-five.  Ben tries to defend himself by accusing Miles of trying to blackmail him before.  Not cool, Ben.  Sea Captain tells Ben he sucks at making friends.

Later, the Asian Lady tells Illya she needs to find Jin.  Illya tells us what we all know, which is that one of the Kwans is a candidate to take over for Jacob on the island.  But here’s the shocker: There’s only 6 more candidates left! (cue game show music)

We rejoin the Jack and Hurley adventure to find Hurley dreaming about cheese curds.  Really?  This is just getting mean, LOST writers.  Jack wakes him up and says they need to get back to the temple.  Hurley says he wants to eat (c’mon).  Jack says they’ll eat on the way.  I assume there’s a Hardee’s on the island that Jack is referring to.  Richard pops out from the bushes.  Jack asks where he came from.  Richard says the wouldn’t believe him yet.  Great.  Jack says he’ll follow him to the temple.  Hurley makes excuses about trusting him.  Jack says “At least he’s not Stalin.”  Good point.

Turns out Sea Captain is an Air Captain and was supposed to fly one of the planes that crashed.  But he overslept.  And he ended up on the island anyway.  Illya comes over and takes Ben at gunpoint over to another area.  She tells him to start digging.  He says “digging what”.  She says “A Grave.”  “Whose?” “Yours.” “Cool, I’ll get right on that.”  I dunno if I agree with Ben philosophically on this one. If someone wanted to shoot me I would make them dig the grave.  Why make their life any easier, right?

Ben is making some good headway with a really crappy shovel.  Miles comes over and starts giving him guff.  Ben tries to bribe him to help him out.  Miles says he doesn’t need money cuz there’s some diamonds buried there.  Ben thought Jacob wanted to die, Miles informs him he is wrong.  That Jacob hoped he was wrong about Ben.  I don’t know why, but Miles really hates Ben. Wait.  He’s heard him talk.  Nevermind, I know why.

Hurley asks Richard if he was time traveling (weird question) since he looks the same now as he did thirty years ago.  Richard says it’s because Jacob gave him a gift (probably make up).  There’s a little tift because Richard lied and didn’t take them to the temple because everyone is dead.  He says he needs to die.  Get this guy some Zoloft.

Richard goes into what I assume to be Noah’s ark.  He’s in there snooping around and Jack comes in.  All the ladies hope this turns into a shirtless push up contest.  Then Hurley shows up and ruins the fun.  Richard says he needs to die but can’t kill himself.  He could never destroy something so handsome.  Apparently Jacob touches you and you get superpowers.  Richard was part of a plan, but if Jacob is dead, then there is no plan and he might as well blow himself up.  I’m not a passenger on his logic train, but there’s nothing I can do to stop him.  Jack says nonsense and lights the fuse on dynamite and sits with him.  Jack’s theory is that somehow he will survive this because he is supposed to be alive.  Hurley freaks out.  He says he’ll be a mile away if anyone needs him.  They must be near a hill he intends to roll down.

Just as the dynamite is about to go boom, the fuse blows out.  Jack says “wanna try another stick?”  Ummmmm…  Is LOST turning into a gay porn?  It’s fine if it is, I just want to know because then I’ll go ahead and shut this blog down.

Ben has dug a really deep hole at this point.  He must want to get buried standing up.  Sad Day Monster shows up and tells Ben he’s getting a dance crew together to get out of dodge.  Here’s how you can join us and undoes his little leg clasp.  Ben makes a break for it and Illya does a terrible job chasing him.  He gets to a rifle and makes Illya drop hers.  He just wants to explain.

Ben's Emmy. Or did I just draw a Golden Globe?

I have transcribed his speech: “I knows what you’re feeling.  I watched my daughter die, it was my fault.  I had a chance to save her but I chose the island over her all in the name of Jacob.  I sacrificed everything for him and he didn’t even care.  I stabbed Jacob. I was so mad and confused and terrified.  I thought I was going to lose my power.  The thing that really mattered was already gone.  I’m sorry I killed Jacob, I didn’t expect you to forgive me because I never was able to forgive myself. I want to leave… [Locke] is the only one who will have me.”  Get that man an Emmy (wipes away tear).

Illya says she will have him.  Aaaaaaw.  Ben goes back with her.  It was super awkward when they got back. No one likes Ben.  I was kinda hoping Air Captain would shoot him on sight.

Team Jacob is relaxin’ on the beach.  Not to be outdone by my Toga montage from last week, the LOST writers did a montage of their own.  In this one, Jack, Richard, and Hurley come around the corner to the folks on the beach.  Asian Lady and Hurley run to hug each, which I’m sure Hurley’s knees did not enjoy.  Everyone is slapping fives and giving hugs.  Ben still has his shirt tucked in for some unknown reason.  We’re getting really close to the 60’s style beach party we’ve all been hoping for.

There’s a submarine off shore.  One guy tells another guy there’s people on the beach.  The other guy says “proceed as planned”.  Guess we found the villain in our 60’s beach party movie.

Thoughts I Have

  • Leonard Cohen was in the soundtrack for next week’s preview. I highly recommend him.
  • Just me or did Hurley’s hair seem about 4 inches longer than the last time we saw him.
  • Speaking of Hurley, the LOST writers are really mean to him about his weight.

    Behind the scenes of LOST.

124 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by blackster on March 10, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    WALT!

    Reply

  2. Posted by Kristi on March 10, 2010 at 12:52 pm

    Another great recap. Favorite line of this one? “Guess we found the villain in our 60’s beach party movie.” Oh, and the shirtless push up contest :)

    Reply

  3. Posted by Goof on March 10, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    :D Yay good to see I wasn’t the only one to reckognize cast from “Real Genius”.

    Principle Reynolds= Jerry Hathoway
    and
    Roger Linus= basement dwelling Laslo

    Reply

    • Posted by Kristi on March 10, 2010 at 1:59 pm

      OMG- you’re RIGHT! I totally forgot that Roger Linus/Uncle Rico was Lazlo. Great catch!

      Reply

    • Posted by smo_monster on March 10, 2010 at 2:07 pm

      Dude, I never made the connection that Jon Gries played Laslo. Great observation!

      Reply

      • Posted by Aimz on March 10, 2010 at 8:10 pm

        Holy crap, you are right! I didn’t put 2+2 together until I read this post. Clearly I am not a real genius.

        Always good to see Jerry and Lazlo together again. Hopefully Mitch will be on the faculty too.

        Reply

    • Like everyone else I did not make the connection to Lazlo. His face looked familiar (as did Principal Jerry’s), but I couldn’t place it all through season five.

      Reply

  4. A tough episode to get into without knowing Ben’s back story. Wanna try another stick. Hee.

    Reply

  5. Posted by Esther on March 10, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    Hahaha you’re the best! I agree with so many things you say… and your Toga montage was the best too (y)

    Reply

  6. Posted by buzzkillcinema on March 10, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    You are a genius!

    Reply

  7. Posted by KellyT on March 10, 2010 at 1:07 pm

    Yay, I’ve been waiting for this week’s synopsis with baited breath! :)

    I love the irony here- had you actually watched previous seasons, you probably would have loved this one, because Ben is probably one of the best characters ever to hit TV. And the fact that you find him so boring… I LOVE IT! Hah.

    To put this in proper perspective (i.e. I’m not a “special” person… mostly) I absolutely love Miles too, and like yourself would love to high-five his sarcastic self pretty much after every scene he’s in.

    Brilliant, hilarious commentary. Please don’t stop. Like, if you get in some industrial accident or something, I expect you to get one of those Stephen Hawkingesque voice thingies and dictate this shit to someone to post. Seriously.
    :)
    KT

    Reply

  8. Posted by Ben on March 10, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    I usually love your recaps but this time you are really wrong. This was with no doubt the best episode by far this season. Incredibly rich, powerful, and intelligent.

    Reply

    • Posted by Rolf on March 10, 2010 at 1:19 pm

      Meh, last weeks was better.

      This blog remains freaking amazing.

      Reply

    • Posted by KellyT on March 10, 2010 at 1:23 pm

      Yeah, but see, that’s why this is so hilarious! And is sort of the point of having not watched the previous season- clearly comedy can ensue! lol

      Reply

    • Posted by Chris on March 10, 2010 at 1:27 pm

      I agree. Without knowing Ben’s story I could see how this is episode would be really boring; but I thought it was one of the best of season 6 so far.

      Reply

      • Posted by hanna on March 10, 2010 at 4:18 pm

        I have watched all the seasons and I still found this episode to be a snooze. Yes I love Ben/Emmerson, but if it would have been any other actor I probably would have just turned the show off.

        Reply

        • Posted by Aimz on March 10, 2010 at 8:28 pm

          Snoozeville all the way on this episode, and I have seen every episode. This brilliant synopsis/analysis advanced the story more than the actual episode did.

          Reply

      • Posted by JoeMoron2000 on March 24, 2010 at 12:17 am

        I’ve watched the whole series and I thought it was pretty boring, anyway. Island-Ben got no sympathy from this guy…

        Reply

    • Posted by Context on March 10, 2010 at 3:36 pm

      Yeah, but take it from the POV of someone who doesn’t have all the Lost experience, I could see this being a real down note of an episode. There were no murders at all!

      He still gave Emerson his Emmy/Golden Globe. :D

      Reply

  9. Posted by Dphins on March 10, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    This stuff is gold!

    Reply

  10. “At least he’s not Stalin.” As in Joseph Stalin? OMG!!!! That is the funniest thing I have read in life. I have laughed off about 5 lbs. Thank you so much for that because bathing suit season is just around the corner!!!!!!!!! these recaps just get better and better, and I think I have found an alternative to a gym membership. (Hurley and I high five.)

    If you decide to continue watching old seasons in reverse order after season 6 is over, i can promise you that i will be reading every single entry. great work!

    Reply

    • Posted by Rodolfo on March 10, 2010 at 10:38 pm

      Jack actually said: “At least he’s not stalling” not Stalin, he was refering to Hurley’s stalling efforts to not go to the temple given that Jacob told him that everybody there would die…

      Reply

      • Posted by alissa on March 11, 2010 at 9:09 am

        The funny thing is when Jack said this line I had at first thought “Stalin.” but realized he said “stalling.” Then I thought, I wonder if NeverSeenLost will pick up on this and choose “Stalin.” Oh he did.

        Reply

        • that is why i love reading this blog so much. it never even occurred to me that anyone could misinterpret jack’s dig at hurley’s stall tactics. it is so much better this way though! say goodbye to “mr. guyliner”. alpert will henceforth be known as “not stalin”.

          Reply

        • Posted by Nick on March 14, 2010 at 12:49 am

          THAT’S THE JOKE

          Reply

      • Posted by nikoli on March 11, 2010 at 8:17 pm

        thank you mr obvious.

        Reply

    • Posted by Collin on March 11, 2010 at 5:56 pm

      Hahaha I laughed so much at the Stalin line. Not when I watched the show. When I read the blog. It was amazing.

      Reply

  11. Posted by Mitch Taylor on March 10, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    You probably didn’t recognize him because of the old man makeup, but Ben’s dad is Lazlo Hollyfeld. Damn. Now they need Val Kilmer. Young Val Kilmer, not icky, washed up Val Kilmer or Vaseline-slick Iceman Val Kilmer.

    Reply

  12. Posted by laurie on March 10, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    Alex hitting on Ben? So so wrong, my friend. If you only knew….

    Reply

    • Posted by lostisgreat on March 10, 2010 at 1:47 pm

      so true…

      Reply

    • Posted by Molly on March 10, 2010 at 3:13 pm

      I was thinking the same thing. That is more than a little creepy.

      Reply

    • Posted by Agreed on March 10, 2010 at 3:37 pm

      lol i know, right?

      Reply

    • Posted by Holladon on March 11, 2010 at 12:59 am

      To be fair, even though I’m a fan for all six seasons and know exactly how creepy it would be, I have to say, something about how those scenes were played (or maybe the actors’ natural chemistry?) definitely had a teacher’s pet kinda vibe to them. To the point I was cringing when she was telling Ben about the principal and mentally screaming at him DO NOT LOOK ANYWHERE IN THE VICINITY OF HER BOOBS.

      Reply

      • Posted by Belica on March 11, 2010 at 4:06 am

        Yeah! And when she finished telling him the story I was like: “Alex, Come back to your side of the table. Now!”

        Reply

        • Posted by MinionMusing on March 11, 2010 at 7:30 pm

          I didn’t feel any kind of creepiness with the Alex and Ben library scene… I was thinking how he became a father figure to her even in the flash sideways… and I wondered how Danielle got off the island after 16 years – did her boat not crash too?

          Reply

          • Posted by jpangel on March 12, 2010 at 3:30 pm

            The island is probably under the water by the time Rosseau’s boat would’ve crashed, so she probably never saw the island.

  13. Posted by lostisgreat on March 10, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    Sorry to say worst blog entry to date, I’ve been reading from the beginning and I know i have to cut you some slack because you havent seen the previous 5 seasons but this was one of the best episodes of the season so far…

    brutal that you won’t get to enjoy the final season of lost of course its funny but not experiencing why this was a great episode is lol

    anyways I was anticipating this entry all day… I guess I won’t anymore

    cheers

    Reply

    • Posted by smo_monster on March 10, 2010 at 2:09 pm

      Go cry on your pillow. WAH!

      Reply

    • Posted by corrado06 on March 10, 2010 at 3:02 pm

      yeah, seriously dude. how over dramatic – “i was anticipating this entry all day…guess i won’t anymore”

      were you listening to some dashboard confessional when you made that comment?

      Reply

      • Posted by zerokul175 on March 10, 2010 at 4:23 pm

        bahahahaha this is for fun/comedy.. some people need to relax… in the own words of our neverseenlost creator “Get this guy some Zoloft.” bahahaha

        Reply

    • Posted by Mercedes on March 10, 2010 at 8:13 pm

      That’s exactly how I felt during his recap of the last show. It’s like he is missing the heart of the show and now just mocks it. (I am sorry if I offended any of his fans.)

      Reply

    • Posted by Bawww on March 11, 2010 at 12:11 am

      “anyways I was anticipating this entry all day… I guess I won’t anymore”
      Of course not dipshit, you just read it.

      Oh boy, I was so ready for lunch today, then I ate lunch….I guess I won’t be ready for lunch any more today.

      Reply

    • Posted by Betsy on June 6, 2010 at 9:58 pm

      Chillax

      Reply

  14. Posted by :P on March 10, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    This blog is great to the effect that it shows how clueless one can be without watching any of the previous seasons. After keeping up to date with this blog I think I might stop now. I kind of feel bad you’re witnessing this glory and can not appreciate it! :( Thanks for the entertainment that is not quite up to par with 4chan. lol

    Reply

    • Posted by confused and amused on March 11, 2010 at 2:29 am

      I think the author HAS seen the previous episodes but one may as well say one has not considering Season 6 is on an entirely new and empty plane! Season 6 seems a little disconnected from the previous seasons so this blog makes PERFECT sense! (whereas the season itself still does not!) I don’t care how many of you say this was the best episode of season 6 – this blog is the BEST of season 6!!!!!

      Reply

      • Posted by Nick on March 14, 2010 at 12:53 am

        “We get Ben this week which should have been red flag number one.”

        No actual fan of Lost would ever say that.

        Reply

  15. Posted by jaakel on March 10, 2010 at 1:56 pm

    this was one of the best episodes in Lost :D Ben is the most awesome character ever.. plus i think he is the hottest guy in the show.. i know it’s weird but it’s true!

    also he did won emmy last year!

    Reply

  16. Posted by smo_monster on March 10, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    “Air Captain” is my personal favorite name!

    Reply

  17. Posted by Clayton on March 10, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    You’ve mentioned this in the last few entries, but there are more episodes left in the series than you keep referring. There are about 9 or 10 episodes left I believe. Which is great news for us as we all seem to be enjoying your blog.

    Reply

    • Posted by nikoli on March 11, 2010 at 8:21 pm

      Yes! That’s gonna be funny when he finds out he has more than 5 to review. He’s gonna blame the show, though.

      Reply

  18. I laughed so hard at the “At least it’s not Stalin!” :D

    Great texts, they’re fun to read to someone who knows everything a little bit longer. Keep up the good work =)

    Reply

  19. Posted by DS on March 10, 2010 at 2:30 pm

    OMG, your cartoon depiction of Italy had me rolling with belly laughter!

    Pizza…pasta…Olive Garden. Yep, that’s Italy, all right!

    Reply

  20. Posted by DS on March 10, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    Also…you picked up on the fact that Ben still has his shirt tucked in, after all he’s been through.

    I myself noticed something else about Ben’s attire during that last scene on the beach…although his shirt is all nasty, stained with blood, sweat, and probably tears…his pants looks like he just got them back from the cleaners! Perfectly clean and neat. What’s up w / that?

    Reply

  21. Posted by John on March 10, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    You guys do know he didn’t say “Stalin”, right?

    Reply

  22. Posted by iamhappymonkey on March 10, 2010 at 2:57 pm

    I loved this episode and Ben is one of my favorite characters. Instead of getting offended by your opinion of him, I love your perspective and am amazed that you can write so many things that make me laugh out loud.

    This may be a bit premature, but what is next? After LOST is over, I’m going to need my weekly…um…whoever you are…. fix.

    Reply

  23. Posted by troismommy on March 10, 2010 at 3:02 pm

    Don’t listen to the whiners. Sure, for LOST fans who’ve watched all the episodes, it was one of the best shows to date. Clearly he didn’t watch it prior to this… otherwise he’d know about Alex.

    So many funny parts to this… gay porn? Shirtless pushups? I think I might end up having a fantasy about Jack and Richard now…

    Reply

  24. Posted by corrado06 on March 10, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    durbin – also, the principal is “dickless” walter peck from ghostbusters. great line in movie history:

    Dr Ray Stantz: Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.
    Walter Peck: They caused an explosion!
    Mayor: Is this true?
    Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes it’s true.
    [pause]
    Dr. Peter Venkman: This man has no dick.

    Reply

  25. Posted by Erika on March 10, 2010 at 3:23 pm

    Noah’s Ark!!!!! Awesome. Thank you!

    Reply

  26. Yup, 9 regular episodes and then the 2 hour finale episode to go.

    Reply

  27. Posted by Eyeliner on March 10, 2010 at 3:39 pm

    Richard says it’s because Jacob gave him a gift (probably make up).

    DYING.

    Reply

  28. “At least he’s not Stalin.” Good point. = me laughing to the point of tears. I’m totally going to have to use that in real life.

    Reply

  29. Posted by Karolyn on March 10, 2010 at 4:05 pm

    I never caught on to Lazlo, but I did catch on to Jerry. Said something along those lines to a co-worker today…his response…”I never heard of Real Genius”….oh, did that make me feel old. He’s about 10 years younger than me.

    Good re-cap. They need to give Miles some more lines. He’s awesome.

    Reply

    • Posted by Kristi on March 11, 2010 at 8:19 am

      Never heard of Real Genius? GAH! That’s almost as bad as my 10-year younger co-worker not really knowing who Corey Haim was. It really ages one, doesn’t it?

      Reply

  30. Posted by Awesomo on March 10, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    Is it bad that of EW, io9, WSJ, you have the most accurate recap of the episode? Who needs postulizing when you can just recap the episode with witty observations? Although I disagree with him being the guy from Real Genius. He will always be the douche Walter Peck from Ghostbusters.

    Dr Ray Stantz: Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.
    Walter Peck: They caused an explosion!
    Mayor: Is this true?
    Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes it’s true.
    [pause]
    Dr. Peter Venkman: This man has no dick.
    Walter Peck: Jeez!

    Reply

  31. Posted by Stephanie on March 10, 2010 at 5:09 pm

    Richard isn’t wearing eyeliner! His eyes are just naturally defined as found on Nestor Carbonell’s (Richard) wikipedia entry: Interviews with both Carbonell and the producers of Lost have stated that his eyes are one of his physical traits, and completely unaided by any form of makeup. I thought he was wearing it at first too and that it had to do with his character’s past but I guess not!

    Love your blog and it is especially cool how pretty much all of your “truths about Ben” are completely false! Guess it just goes to show that this episode really showed a completely different side of Ben than we’ve ever seen. He is the essential LOST villain and yet you view him as dorky, moral and easily manipulated by John Locke. When we first met Ben he was the one manipulating John…oh how the tables turn!

    Reply

  32. Oh man, that Stalin comment killed me, because I thought the same thing when I saw that! Absolutely hilarious. I wish that I had never watched the other seasons. This seems like so much more fun.

    Also, you sexual tension with Alex and Ben is amazing only because it the alternate island timeline, Alex is dead and was Ben’s ‘daughter.’ Here’s some brain bleach.

    Reply

    • Posted by MajorMajorMajor on March 11, 2010 at 2:08 am

      Hey, don’t tell the blogger about anything that happened in past seasons. He can’t know! No one has even corrected him on “Toga” yet.

      Reply

  33. Posted by Mr Splunge on March 10, 2010 at 5:39 pm

    The “Get that man an Emmy” thing made me feel you know more than you say…

    Reply

    • Posted by Holladon on March 11, 2010 at 1:04 am

      I think it’s more that it was very obviously meant to be a deep, meaningful, tear-jerking moment. The kind of clip you show at the Emmys. And, I have to say, Emerson really pulled it off, and it’s damn easy to make those scenes look cheesy as hell. Guess he really did earn that Emmy.

      Reply

      • Posted by donald on March 12, 2010 at 6:35 pm

        I definitely agree that he pulled it off. After reading the transcripted lines, I felt “eh” but when I watched Emerson performing them, I was like “whoa”. True story.

        Reply

    • Posted by Nick on March 14, 2010 at 12:56 am

      He probably did see the Emmys, it’s called “Never Seen Lost” not “Never Seen TV”

      Reply

  34. Posted by kathie on March 10, 2010 at 6:07 pm

    Hurley freaks out. He says he’ll be a mile away if anyone needs him. They must be near a hill he intends to roll down.

    I laughed repeatedly until my mother thought I lost it! I thought it was one of the funniest summaries yet. This blog is one of the high lights of my week also.

    Reply

  35. Posted by Joanne on March 10, 2010 at 6:18 pm

    Richard says he needs to die but can’t kill himself. He could never destroy something so handsome.

    Thank you!!!

    Reply

  36. Posted by Dawn on March 10, 2010 at 6:51 pm

    Kudos to everyone who recognized Laszlo Hollyfeld. I recognized Jerry, but didn’t catch Laszlo. Give those guys some popcorn!

    Science Teacher was blown up in season 1 or 2 by dynamite from the Black Rock, ergo, Hurley mentions picking S.T. off his shirt, while Science Teacher was whining about formaldehyde stains on his shirt.

    I liked this episode. Ben, the ultimate sociopath and manipulator, seeks redemption.
    Anybody wonder if Walt turns up?
    Thanks again for the blog.

    Reply

  37. A sack full of Jacob!

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!

    Reply

  38. Posted by lostluvr on March 10, 2010 at 9:42 pm

    Will you marry me?

    I haven’t laughed this hard in years!!!
    :)

    Reply

  39. Posted by LadySiren on March 10, 2010 at 10:44 pm

    DUDE! You totally missed the most pertinent info of the night – the episode was directed by Mario Van Peebles. I seriously expected you to have some Posse type comment but nada. Slippage dude, slippage.

    Reply

  40. Posted by beema on March 10, 2010 at 11:08 pm

    great post yet again! Love your little doodles too.
    some highlights for me were:

    “Eavesdrop Magee (John Locke) butts in and says “you be principal then”. His argument is based on watching him flip out on a coffee machine and rant about hating the current principal. That’s all he needs to entrust the school to someone with no experience.”

    “Ben propositions him with hacking Jerry’s e-mail so he can become principal. I don’t think this was what Locke had in mind when he pitched this concept.”

    “He put the needs of one student he has the hots for over helping an entire school full of kids.”

    “We rejoin the Jack and Hurley adventure to find Hurley dreaming about cheese curds. Really? This is just getting mean, LOST writers.”

    SO true. We get it already, fat people like food. Move on LOST writers!

    “Richard says he needs to die but can’t kill himself. He could never destroy something so handsome.”

    Funniest thing is many long-time Lost fans are pointing out the same absurdities you are. Just goes to show, you don’t have to be brand new to the show to think it’s ridiculous. Although I have my doubts that you never watched it prior to this season ;-), but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.

    Reply

  41. Posted by Goose on March 10, 2010 at 11:18 pm

    Your reference to Ben and Alex’s romantically-hinted storyline was creepy good. I got the same vibe yesterday, and seeing someone unbiased talk about it so nonchalantly means it wasn’t just me. Seriously, that was really unsettling.

    And kudos! You gave Michael Emerson the emmy! (hopefully non-sarcastically)

    Reply

  42. Posted by Tom on March 11, 2010 at 12:45 am

    Fantastic recaps!

    Reply

  43. Posted by oldfarmer on March 11, 2010 at 1:36 am

    Jacob gave him a gift, Makeup. & At least he’s not Stalin. I also loved the hot tub references from your last blogs. Keep going. LMAO I love Lost and all that goes with it.

    Reply

  44. Posted by Gustavo Brunetti on March 11, 2010 at 1:36 am

    I’l l miss LOST when it’s over, but I’ll also miss your recaps. You know what would be awesome? If after the seres ends you start reviewing the other 5 seasons, but, and here’s the twist: do it backwards. This way you would surely be lost in the plot all the time. I’d tune in for every single recap.

    Reply

  45. Posted by Henry Gale on March 11, 2010 at 4:17 am

    Hey bro, I find your blog amusing and all, but you’d best quit hating on Ben if you know what’s good for you.

    Reply

  46. Posted by Red on March 11, 2010 at 7:08 am

    These blogs are clearly fake. Funny. But fake.

    Reply

  47. Posted by drbristol on March 11, 2010 at 7:43 am

    “Ummmmm… Is LOST turning into a gay porn? It’s fine if it is, I just want to know because then I’ll go ahead and shut this blog down.”

    You had me at “Eavesrop MaGee”, but that one absolutely killed me. Brilliant!

    Reply

    • Posted by Broad125 on March 12, 2010 at 3:43 pm

      Sad, I love your blog but the homophobia is unecessary! I hope if it turns into gay porn you will continue blogging because I’m sure said gay porn will be hilarious and you would provide some excellent commentary.

      Reply

      • Posted by donald on March 12, 2010 at 6:41 pm

        Don’t be so sensitive. First of all, maybe the blogger wouldn’t want to write about any type of porn. And yes, he did say gay porn but that makes sense. When was the last time we saw two of the hot female losties in a scene together? Claire and Kate had some scenes but those were creeper scenes, and Sun and Illana are always walking together but I don’t think they’ve said anything to each other since the first episode of the season!

        Reply

  48. Posted by badhatharry on March 11, 2010 at 10:34 am

    After Jack lit the dynamite, I wanted him to start yelling, “DIDI MAO! DIDI MAO!”

    Reply

  49. hysterical as always….even in a Ben-lover’s eyes. He’s my fave and I would’ve mourned his death with Cheez-it’s and Bartles&Jaymes. I can see how a new comer wouldn’t catch his skeevy brilliance so far this season. Just know that at one point, he delivered the best line eva: “Destiny, John, is a fickle bitch.”

    Laughed out loud visualizing Hurley rolling down a hill.

    Reply

  50. Posted by mariajo on March 11, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    Awesome. I watch the show since it started and that’s the funniest review I’ve ever read. Thanks for the laughs and greetings from Spain.
    P.S. Her name is Iliana.

    Reply

  51. Posted by RengeCorrea on March 11, 2010 at 3:58 pm

    FIERCE!!! & Hysterical!!! .. please keep them coming!!
    Air/Sea Captain .. LMAO!!!!

    Reply

  52. Posted by MinionMusing on March 12, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    “We rejoin the Jack and Hurley adventure to find Hurley dreaming about cheese curds. Really? This is just getting mean, LOST writers.” “Speaking of Hurley, the LOST writers are really mean to him about his weight”
    “Hurley freaks out. He says he’ll be a mile away if anyone needs him. They must be near a hill he intends to roll down.” – Seriously, this is just getting mean about Hurley’s weight BLOG writer!

    “Illya hands Miles a sack full of Jacob…” – Now that’s funny!
    “Jack says ‘At least he’s not Stalin.'” – Laughed out loud!
    “All the ladies hope this turns into a shirtless push up contest.” -got the visual, liked it!

    Love your recaps! Your ignorance is bliss to this reader!

    Reply

  53. Posted by Eli on March 12, 2010 at 5:20 pm

    I love your blog. I loved this episode, and I loved your recap even more. “At least he’s not Stalin.” I lol’d. That’s exactly what I thought he said!

    Reply

  54. […] Episode 7 of the Final Season of LOST SPOILER ALERT!!!!!   If you have not seen the latest episode of LOST then you didn’t miss much.  But you will […] […]

    Reply

  55. Posted by kwan on March 13, 2010 at 12:13 am

    They must be near a hill he intends to roll down.

    You are just as mean as the LOST writers lol

    Reply

  56. Brilliant :) started off a bit slow, but the chuckles eventually came =D you’re doing a great job!!

    Air Captain is far too down-to-earth to just go shooting people tho :P “this is the weirdest damn funeral I’ve ever been to!”

    Reply

  57. Posted by Alice on March 14, 2010 at 7:31 am

    JSYK there are 18 episodes this season, so there’s 11 left, not 5! (But I love your blog!)

    Reply

  58. Posted by Just_me on March 14, 2010 at 9:35 am

    LMAO at “Cool, this is a show about a plane crash then.” comedy gold.

    Reply

  59. Posted by Alexis on March 14, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    I appreciate the humor in your posts, but remember that if we’re reading your blog it’s because we love Lost… might not want to call it a mindless waste of time too often.

    Reply

  60. Posted by April on March 15, 2010 at 4:29 am

    My favorite lines of your post:

    Jack says “At least he’s not Stalin.” Good point.

    Hurley asks Richard if he was time traveling (weird question) since he looks the same now as he did thirty years ago. Richard says it’s because Jacob gave him a gift (probably make up).

    Reply

  61. Posted by Aaron on March 16, 2010 at 7:30 am

    I look forward to reading your posts on the day of a new LOST episode airs so that I can get my LOST fix without any worry about spoilers for the upcoming episode.

    Your unique take on LOST and style of writing are so hilarious I laugh out loud at my desk. Please keep it up.

    Reply

  62. STALIN. omg. hilarious. love it…

    Reply

  63. Posted by Chuck on March 17, 2010 at 11:04 pm

    “Jack says “At least he’s not Stalin.” Good point.”

    I nearly died from laughing so hard. My abs….my poor abs.

    Reply

  64. Posted by Missjoke on March 19, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    “Hurley freaks out. He says he’ll be a mile away if anyone needs him. They must be near a hill he intends to roll down”

    “Richard says he needs to die but can’t kill himself. He could never destroy something so handsome.”

    LOL!

    Brilliant review as always.
    I have to agree with the whole Alex/Ben weird vibe, even for people who know the real relationship between them, it felt kinda icky for sure. Emerson is superb btw.

    Reply

  65. Posted by Derek on March 19, 2010 at 11:05 pm

    Hands down your funniest recap yet. By far.

    Reply

  66. […] imple­men­ta­tions nearly a decade after Microsoft. You know what that means? We can quit stallin’ and get […]

    Reply

  67. […] @font-face implementations nearly a decade after Microsoft. You know what that means? We can quit stallin’ and get […]

    Reply

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