Episode 8 of the Final Season of LOST

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!  Read this if and only if you have seen the latest episode of Lost.  I’m going to reveal more secrets about the show.  I have exclusive behind the scenes knowledge of the series and where it is going.  Not really, I was just trying to get you to click the continue reading button.  I’m sowwy for lying to you.  Although lying seems to be one of the themes of this episode (see what I did there).

This was supposed to be an emo kid. But I think I just drew a blind robber.

A little behind the scenes of Never Seen Lost.  Typically I scan the pictures in at work.  I’m going on vacation today so I am updating from home.  I found an old drawing pad to do the drawings and found some stuff I drew in high school.  Yikes.  I think I might have been EMO before it was cool.  That of course, is assuming that EMO is cool.  And, ya know, before it involved wearing all black and make up.  I don’t think I know what EMO is.

You can tell I couldn’t think of anything else to write here, can’t you?  You can?    Well, let’s get started then.

Overall What is Happening
Misogyny. That’s what. In various forms. That apparently was the theme of this week. But we’ll get to that in the details. Cuz that’s where the devil is.

In other news, this show is not about a plane crash. There’s another island that has a really impressive research facility. A bunch of other people live there and have a plane and a submarine. Frankly I have no idea how that plane landed without anything remotely resembling a runway. Maybe that is what they mean when they say “crash”; A landing on a short runway. Hang on. K, just got back from dictionary.com. Crash doesn’t mean “landing on a short runway”. I thought maybe I had figured out how so many people got to these islands through so many “crashes”. Back to the drawing board.

Also, Sawyer apparently didn’t leave the island.  Contrary to what I have been saying the last few weeks.  And Jin is still around.  I had no idea what happened to him. Good to see he is still alive.

More Detailed Episode Recap

Off the island, we open up with Sawyer wrapping up a set of push-ups in bed.  The woman who was counting his reps reminds him he was supposed to meet a guy in 20 minutes.  Quite a night Sawyer has planned.  Sawyer drops his briefcase and a bunch of cash falls out.  The lady ain’t fooled and accuses Sawyer of grifting.  Avoiding any logical progression, she pulls a gun on him.  Sawyer sez “I’m a cop.”  Then he proves it by calling for Miles. I’m rusty on my law knowledge, particularly in the area of entrapment, but it seems like intercoursing with a target in a sting operation will make all of that evidence called into question.  It just seems really unethical when he could have easily dropped the briefcase before gettin’ down.

Back at his desk, we see how boring police work can be as Sawyer is random calling people to find out if they were in Alabama in 1976.  Miles comes back and busts up the monotony by telling Sawyer he is going on a date.  Not taking no for an answer he starts to question whether Sawyer wants to spend his life alone.  Sawyer doesn’t share his real answer, which is “yes, I am knocking boots with women left and right.  Why would I want that to end?”

At a swanky lounge, Sawyer calls up Miles who this chick is he is supposed to meet.  Usually that is a detail you get before the blind date.  Miles says she is the redhead.  That explains why Miles never said anything.  Sawyer approaches her and we find out it is Nicole Kidman. She says she is an archeologist.  Sawyer, having no frame of reference beyond TV and film, asks if she is like Indiana Jones.  She responds “I’m exactly like Indiana Jones.  I even have male genitalia.”  Sawyer calls her bluff and wins.

Sawyer, fulfilling a censor requirement to show one act of non-hate towards women in the episode offers to get Nicole Kidman a glass of water.  She asks for a t-shirt.  Sawyer tells her to look in the top drawer.  While looking for a Rabbitohs t-shirt (gotta be loyal to your team) and trying to figure out why there were only pairs of jeans in this drawer and no t-shirts, she comes across a file labeled “Sawyer”.  Inside is a story about a murder suicide.  Sawyer comes back and flips OUT and starts yellling “WHAT DID YOU SEE!?!?!1?”  Only what you left easily found, chief. He tells her to get the H-E-double-hockeysticks out.   That’ll teach her.  Saywer is left confused and angry at how someone found his file that was randomly sitting in the drawer that he sent someone to in order to find something that was not readily available in the drawer and required some digging.  Got it?  Me neither.

While casually walking through the police station with a look of self satisfaction at treating an innocent Australian women so horribly, Miles confronts him and takes him where any dispute between dudes should happen, the locker room (Top Gun, anyone? I’m gonna pass but thought I should at least offer).  Miles is all like “what did you do?”  “She looked in the wrong drawer.”  Well… no… she didn’t.  You said the top drawer and that is exactly where she looked.  I also don’t think that excuses your behavior.  “What were you doing in Australia?!”  What?  Oh… So, we’re not confronting him about the da- “You said you were in Palm Springs!”  Ok, Miles, I’ll drop it.

Miles, not to be outdone in the unethical department, ran a check on Sawyer’s credit card and found out he went to Australia.  Even though he told Miles he went to Palm Springs.  I don’t know how Sawyer pulled that off.  Australia ain’t exactly a short jaunt away.  Also, who cares if Sawyer goes to Australia?  It’s his own darn business.  Miles disagrees.  He doesn’t trust Sawyer anymore.  He had no problem with him coercing women into sex as part of a police operation while an entire swat team was listening in from a van or yelling at one of his dad’s coworkers and verbally threatening her after making sex because she was looking in a drawer he directed her to; But lying that he was in Australia instead of Palm Springs… Not cool, bro.  Not cool. Miles breaks up with Sawyer and Sawyer punches a mirror.  He probably had a Fight Club moment and just wanted to destroy something beautiful.

Sawyer gets home from a hard day of copping and decides to relax the only way he knows how; with a beer, a Hungry-Man dinner, and Little House on the Prairie.  As tends to happen when mixing this combination, Sawyer has a revelation. He has a little more liquid courage and heads over to Nicole Kidman’s aparment (how’d he get the address?) with a six pack and a sunflower.  His checklist likely looked something like this: Step 1- Get six pack and sunflower.  Step 2- Knock on door.  Step 3- Say “I have a six pack and a sunflower.  Wanna do it?” Step 4- Do it.

Unfortunately for his four step plan, Nicole ain’t havin’ it.  She tells him she doesn’t care if he is sorry, what he did was unacceptable and he can kindly go fly a kite.  She shuts the door on him.  Sawyer leaves the sunflower by her door but the beers are coming with him.

His super power is wooing the ladies.

The next day, Sawyer lures Miles into his car by promising him kittens.  Miles gets in and Sawyer makes an Emmy run of his own by telling him why he has been so grouchy.  He tells him that Sawyer is a grifter… Wait.  Who led to his parents being a two person murder suicide.  No wait.  Miles asks who Sawyer is.  Oh good, Miles asked for me.  His name is Anthony Cooper.  Sawyer (?) had a lead on him in Australia.  Once Sawyer finds Sawyer he will kill him.  Ok.  So I get this in premise.  Sawyer is just a really poorly named real world version of Batman.  Sawyer ruined your life so you asked everyone to call you Sawyer?  Fine dude.  Whatever. At least Batman named himself after his biggest fear not related to his parent’s death.

While in the car this other car smashes into it.  No problem though.  Everyone is fine.  A girl in a hood who is obviously Kate runs away.  Sawyer catches her and throws her against a fence and gets all weird and creepy.  Protocol says he gets to be intimate with her, so maybe that is why he is so happy.

Back on the island, Sawyer heats up some of his own urine to trick Jin into drinking it.  Not a very cool prank.  Jin, still making sense, says they need to get out of there.  Sawyer lets Jin know he is with Locke now.  Jin can’t leave cuz his Old Lady is still on the island (blaming women for not allowing escape, chalk up another one).  Sawyer promises he will not leave Jin’s wife.  Sorry to ruin the future of this show, but you can bet dollars to donuts that this is coming back into play later.

Claire is continuing her mental drive through Insanity Township (they have a Big Boy!) by tending to her skull baby.  Kate asks if this is where she has been living then what up with that creepy skull baby.  Claire says the baby is all she had.  Don’t forget the crappy shanty made of sticks, Claire.  Sad Day Monster shows some compassion and boringness by filling everyone in on the days events.  Claire holds Kate’s hand and flirts with her a bit.  Niiiiiiice.

Sawyer asks Locke when they’re getting off the island.  Great question.  I thought he left already.  Locke asks that they discuss privately.  Locke admits he’s the Sad Day Monster and has a special mission for Sawyer.  Go to Hydra island.  Since that is where his buddies landed and there might be some people over there and do some recon.  Like I said, this show is not about a plane crash.  My advice to Sawyer; Go there.  Get the plane.  Fly it away.

On the island there is a totally dope office complex.  It also has huge cages.  Sawyer finds a dress and gets all emotional.  He probably misses watching Laura Ingalls.

Back on the other island, Sayid’s been licking toads and is completely mellow.  Kate tries to make some small talk and Claire attacks her with a knife.  Locke throws Claire off of her.  Kate doesn’t understand how guns work so she holds one like a baseball bat to protect herself.  Locke smacks Claire in the face.  Hard.  Claire calms down.  Fellas, don’t take this as a lesson in conflict resolution.

Sawyer finds the plane he was looking for.  It’s huge and looks like it landed perfectly with only 200 yards to slow down after touchdown. There’s stuff scattered everywhere and I think they are filming a Capital One and Bud Light commercial on this same set later today.  Sawyer follows a beverage cart trail and comes across a pile of passed out drunks.  They smell terrible.  There’s a rustle.  Sawyer turns to see what it is.  Turns out it’s a nerdy librarian.  And she’s the only one left.  That means it’s up to them to repopulate the Earth.  Coulda done a lot worse, Sawyer.

Her name is Zoey.  She knew everyone on her plane.  She asks Sawyer what plane he came in on and he says “long story”.  In fact, to this point, we’re about 8 hours into it and he still hasn’t gotten to that portion of the story.  We learn that Zoey was on a plane crash and waiting to be rescued.  She was out collecting wood (easy, Sawyer) and heard screaming.  When she got back they were all dead.  She asks Sawyer some questions like did everyone come from the same plane crash to which Sawyer answers no.  I would be shocked if I were her.  In fact, I am shocked.  What do you mean you were on different planes?  So we’re talking at lease three crashes at this point all within a 10 mile radius of one another in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.  Come. On.   She asks how many people there are, if they have guns, etc.  Sawyer asks where she was headed.  She says Guam. “Why?”  “To see my boyfriend.” “Liar. No way you have a boyfriend.” Ouch.  I feel bad for this girl that the concept of her having a boyfriend completely exposed her as a fraud.    She whistles and a bunch of nerds with guns pop out of the bushes and capture Sawyer.  He asks nerd librarian if her name was really Zoey.  She asks if his is really Sawyer.  Unfortunately for me, he doesn’t answer.  But I think the answer is no.

Yay! Sad Day Monster's mom made us cookies! Thanks, Mrs. Sad Day Monster!

Sad Day Monster finds Kate and takes blame for Claire being crazy.  Kate and Locke have a nice moment looking out on the other island.  Kate says they were the islands where they were locked in cages.  Ok. Locke then says that he had a mom once.  She went crazy.  He’s trying to work through Growing Pains (I dunno, Locke, I find the show entertaining).  Kate wants to know why he is telling her this.  He says because Aaron has a crazy mother too.  Damn right he does.

As they’re escorting Sawyer through the woods we find more nerds setting up a colorful mallet. There are nerds all over the place on this island.  They take Sawyer to the submarine ride at Disneyworld and tell him to get in.  I don’t know if Sawyer has ever been on this ride, but it is a delight.  It blew my mind later on when I found out that it didn’t actually go underwater.  Although that is probably a much safer and efficient way to do the ride.

Sawyer meets with an older dude named Charles Woodball.  Chaz says he wants to kill Sad Day Monster.  Sawyer says he will help as long as his buddies don’t get hurt and he gets to go home.  Charles agrees.  “And why should I trust you.” “For the same reason I trust you.”  Hey guys, can you tell me what that is?  I have no way of knowing.  No? Cool.

Claire finds Kate and apologizes.  Kate let’s Claire hug her.  That’s it, just letting you know.

Sawyer gets back to the other island where Locke sprightly runs out to help dock the boat.  Apparently Locke knows Charles Whitmore and apparently his last name is Whitmore.  Sawyer, being a terrible liar (contrary to Locke’s praise earlier) spills the beans on the deal he made on Nerd Island.  Sad Day Monster asks why he is telling him this.  “A deal is a deal.”  Didn’t you just make a deal with Charles?  It’s fine if you did, I just want to be clear that you can’t use that as your excuse if you are going to go back on another separate deal.

That night, Kate is bored so she decides to play with fire.  Sawyer approaches and makes a joke about her cooking (misogyny).  Sawyer, proving he loves to over share, tells Kate everything about the other island.  He says he’ll let them fight it out and the two of them will escape.  Not in the plane, but in the submarine.  The episode ends before we hear Kate’s response of “That’s the worst plan I’ve ever heard.  You think you can drive a submarine? Idiot.”

Thoughts I Have

• Sawyer is a terrible police office.  Remember when he saw Kate in the elevator at the airport and helped her escape?  What up with that?
• How many Australians are living in Los Angeles?  They’re everywhere.
• Gold star for anyone who gets that Fight Club reference above.
• This plane with no runway thing is the first time in this show that I haven’t believed something they did.  I can get on board with a malicious rain cloud, but this plane that somehow is perfectly intact sitting on this island with no signs of having landed is where I stop believing (sorry Journey).

Alright. I'll leave it alone now.