Midtroduction

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!! This blog post contains a bunch of information about this season of LOST.  At one point it was also going to contain spoilers about Saw V.  But that’s too important to run the risk.

Frankenstein's monster hates camping

This post has a terrible title, I know.  We’ll put it in the Mr. Cluck’s file.  There was no new episode this week so I have nothing to recap… Or do I…?  I took suggestions from folks via the Twitter (@jdurbin) on what to put in today’s post.  A lot had to do with watching/recapping other shows, but Saw V was on and seeing that movie is on my bucket list (check). I got some good suggestions but the ultimate winner is…

Recapping the season thus far and present some other tidbit theories.  I’m not going to get real detailed.  My goal is to provide a user guide for any other n00bs who want to catch up but don’t want to watch 13 hours of television in one weekend (new guy updating new people is so meta).  So really I am getting you caught up with me.  Which isn’t very caught up.  I’m also going to pepper in some other suggestions in small chunks.  I also am going to include a lot of pictures.  So basically I just Frankensteined a bunch of ideas into one monster that’s afraid of fire.

Overall What is Hapenning (for the n00bs)

OK.  So there’s these people, all good looking, none black, that were in a plane that crashed on an island.  5 years happened.  To try to get off the island they set off a nuke.  All that did was break the show into two stories.  One in America (a.k.a. Snoozeville… I don’t call it that because I hate America, but it’s less action packed there), one on an island.

That’s the basics.  Before we start describing what is happening, let me introduce you to all the characters.

Jack Shephard (not Jake):  Defacto protagonist.  As handsome as the day is long.  Poster boy for Bad Idea Jeans.  He’s a doctor and tries to lead the people on the island through sheer will.  He pushes his ideas and oftentimes goes the opposite of group/common sense.  Pretty much the same guy in both worlds.  Oh, except on the island he has a backpack that he takes everywhere.

He's pretty happy with his backpack.

John Locke:  Bald dude.  Adventurous.  Only reason I am doing him now is because the Sad Day Monster disguises himself as him so he can have chit chats.  On the island he is dead, on Snoozeville he is in a wheelchair and just got run over by a car.

He's having a bad week.

Sad Day Monster:  The black storm cloud on the island that messes everybody up (read: kills them).  Earned his name because he is like the raincloud that you draw over cartoons to indicate they are having a bad day.  Doesn’t exist in Snoozeville, but if he did (h/t to @rustylive for suggesting I guess at this) he would probably work in accounting for a jamoke of a boss and have a loving wife who wishes he would pursue his musical dreams.  Think about it, this guy is chompin’ at the bit to get off a tropical paradise.  He must love monotony and the daily grind.  And I don’t mean the dance show on MTV.

The motivational poster isn't helping.

Hugo Reyes (Hurley):  Comic relief.  Pretty entertaining and funny guy.  There’s all kinds of subtle jabs at his weight in the show that make you think of insults and then you feel guilty for thinking them.  Just me?  On the island he is Jack’s sidekick and talks to dead people.  In Snoozeville he owns a chicken restaurant (see what I mean) and has trouble getting dames.

Ghost or non-ghost, we're just happy he has friends.

Sawyer:  He’s such a rebel that he makes his own rules… then he breaks ’em.  Has become more likable as you realize that the sane person in the asylum will always look like the odd one (what?).  When not being hardcore on the island, he enjoys being a police officer.

And he doesn't even smoke!

Miles:  The most relatable character.  Just a dude.  Is Sawyer’s partner when they’re cops.  I like him.  We high five.

Just me and my buddy hangin out.

Kate:  a.k.a. Female Sawyer.  Has some rebel in her.  Potentially in a love triangle with Jack and Sawyer.  She is a wanted criminal in Snoozeville and Sawyer’s desire to give her a good time transcends stories.

No wonder the cops are after her.

Desmond:  Probably the most important character. He has a delightful accent and is extra smooth.  On the island he is a chess piece in the game between Sad Day Monster and Whitmore.  Off the island, he is an errand boy for a billionaire.   Last time we saw him he was stuck in a well making small talk with Sayid.

He's passing time in the well by thinking about convertibles.

Sayid: Iraqi who has an evil bug in him.  Emotionless.  Totally onboard with Sad Day Monster on the island.  He’s only slightly more redeemable in Snoozeville where he killed a bunch of mobsters and tried to nail his sister-in-law.  Last time we saw him he went to the well to shoot Desmond. Wait a minute!

According to me, Sayid has the same haircut as Hurley.

Jacob: Sad Day Monster’s nemesis but is actually the good guy.  He got stabbed.  Which is weird that killed him because he has been alive for a long time.  He brought everyone to the island to keep Sad Day Monter from leaving.  He’s probably like me that he though booze and environment would be enough to keep him from leaving the island.

Jacob drank some Haterade.

Ricardo: He’s awesome.  Lives forever.  Knows what’s going on.  Getting a little panicked.  He was Jacob’s buddy.  Now he’s kind of a loose cannon.  The actor who plays him is incredibly talented but kinda has raccoon eyes.  By saying “kinda” I assume that people won’t read that as an insult.

Ricardo on a horse, where he belongs.

Claire: She’s insane.  She was super duper pregnant when the plane crashed, so it is understandable that she would be all messed up.  She has a weird thing with Kate.  I think it’s called friendship.  She is completely out of her mind on the island, was with Sad Day Monster and then switched sides.  And she’s Jack’s half sister.

Nothing says crazy like standing on a pile of skulls.

Whitmore:  White haired dude who brought a sub full of nerds to a tropical island.  Their goal is to stop Sad Day Monster from leaving.  He also bosses Desmond around when they’re in Snoozeville.

Just joyridin about town.

Smurfette (Zoey):  The only girl in the group of nerds on Nerd Island.  Still busts skulls.

She is correctly concerned about all the boy nerds lurking behind her.

Illyana:  She was Jacob’s right hand woman in both worlds (as far as I can tell).  She got blown up on the island and is a lawyer in the other.

Artist rendering of why we don't need to worry about Illyana anymore.

Ben Linus: Real weinery guy.  Basically he should be on Nerd Island.  In Snoozeville he gets hit on by hot high school chicks but instead of doing anything constructive about it uses it to blackmail principals.  Which is just as weak as it sounds.  On the island he killed Jacob.  Then he almost got killed.  Now he is on the side of the good guys.  He also gives sweater vests a bad name.

High school chicks LOVE this guy. Must be the sweater vest.

Toga: Led some people at the Temple.  I called him Pretentious Asian for a while.  He got killed.  Spawned a memorial video (see episode 6 recap).

Toga's doing some hot tub maintenance. Yes I misspelled Chlorine.

Sun and Jin:  One’s a boy.  One’s a girl.  Together they form a forgettable team (as evidenced by the fact that I completely forgot to include them the first time posting this).  On the island they are separated but their love brings them back together.  In America they are Asian gangsters who are having a secret affair much to Sun’s dad’s chagrin.

This is the most exciting way I could think to draw Sun & Jin.

The Pilot: About as residual as a residual character can be.  He’s there because there is a plane and someone will need to fly it.

He's about 300 times saltier in real life.

More Details On What is Happening

Snoozeville has all the characters coming together and running into each other.  All of them seem to remember each other from their transatlantic flight. A guy named Desmond is trying to get everyone together and ran over John Locke in a wheelchair.  Ummmm… and that’s it.

The island is a bit more active. I started writing a detailed recap and then I got confused and sleepy.  In my face for all the times I said nothing happened in an episode.  What you need to know is:  For the Sad Day Monster to get off the island (he’s evil), he needs a small group of people to all leave at the same time.  Thankfully there is a fully operational (yet to this point unused) plane nearby.  And a Pilot!

There used to be a guy named Toga who kept everyone safe from Sad Day Monster by staying in a temple.  But he got murdered up and now all the survivors are in Sad Day Monster’s crew.

All the while, there are a bunch of nerds led by Charles Whitmore who came to the island on a submarine and needs to stop Sad Day Monster from escaping.  The world depends on it!

Related to both, there was this dude named Jacob who recruited everyone to go to the island to do his bidding.  He’s trying to protect the island.  He gave people superpowers or worked out another deal to get them to go along with him.  Now he’s dead and can only talk to Hurley.  Bummer.

Best Episodes This Season

• Episode 9 (Ricardo)
• Episode 12 (Because Hurley is so lovable)
• Episode 5* (Jack and Hurley on an adventure?  Don’t mind if I do.)
• Episode 6 (Sayid’s life choices don’t make sense)
• Episode 11 (straightforwardness FTW!)

Things New People Shouldn’t Worry About

• All the buildings, alcohol, supplies and other modern amenities on the island.  Don’t bother trying to figure out where they came from.  It’s a fruitless effort.
• Why they want to leave.  Doesn’t make sense to me.  They really have everything they need (except for a couple people who value love).
• References to multiple crashes and leaving and coming back.  As far as I can tell, it doesn’t influence how this thing will end.
• Cutting back and forth between stories.  You get used to it.
• Lack of musical numbers.  I don’t really know why you would expect that in the first place.

Thoughts I Have

• I was going to do more lists, but I decided to describe each character instead. Coming up with ideas for lists is surprisingly difficult.
• Some of the shows people asked me to review were: Beverly Hills 90210, Dancing with the Stars, the Lost Pilot episode, and anything on Bravo.  All good suggestions.  If you made a suggestion and would like to be mentioned, just let me know.
• There will be an outroduction after the season.  Just giving a heads up.
• For anyone who is new, I love parentheticals.
• 4 more episodes to go.

Let's catch our breath before hitting the finish line.