Episode 16 of the Final Season of LOST

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!  This blog goes into graphic detail on the theories and philosophies of the latest episode of LOST.  It also lies to you about what it is about in it’s first sentence after the spoiler alert.  Proceed at your own peril.

That is one clean house. The stack of papers is next week's entry.

I guess since there is only one more episode left we should do a little housekeeping.  The LOST finale post will be up either on Monday or Wednesday.  Depends if I try to keep continuity of Wednesday entries or next day entries.  As the intro to this blog says, don’t be haters.  Also, be prepared for an abhorrently long entry for the finale.  Two and a half hours is a lot of LOST to catalog.  In other news, there will be one more post after the finale.  If you guessed it would titled “Outroduction” then you are very smart and probably figured out LOST before it was even written.  I will be answering Q’s and junk.  Feel free to send some my way.  My contact info is in the about tab. One last thing, potentially going to do a live reading of the last post in Chicago the Thursday after the finale (May 27).  Don’t book your flights just yet, still working on some details.  I will update this paragraph if it gets figured out and I will make tweets about it too (@jdurbin).

[UPDATE: (cue Unsolved Mysteries music) We're trying to figure out location.  Looks like it will be a bar on the northside of Chicago (not super north) May 27 around 6pm.  We're trying to get a headcount so we know how much space we'll need, so e-mail fanclub@denuology.com or contact me if you're interested.  It's not an RSVP, we're just trying to make sure we have the right amount of space.  Since we're looking into bars, it will be a 21+ affair.  That is all.]

Now that we’re all caught up, let’s get all caught up on LOST.  Which I am now.  Thanks to this episode.  Which is pretty nice.

Overall What Is Happening

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!  Ok.  Now I see where we’re going with this.  Jacob needed someone to take over for him protecting the island.  Sad Day Monster doesn’t like the potential hook ups so he becomes a drama queen about the whole sitch.  Jack wins the Bachelorette. Wait a minute.  We’ve known this for a while.  Why are we just getting to this point now?

If anything other than a 150 minute fight sequence happens next week, I will be disappointed.  Although, they killed off Whitmore, Smurfette, Ricardo and basically Miles, so there aren’t many people left to fight.

Snoozeville lived up to its name with the highlight being Dez wailing on Ben.  He’s also really close to getting everyone united.  At a concert.  I’m looking forward to it.

More Detailed Recap

Jack wakes up in his bed in LA alone.  He clearly kicked the chick out of bed already (high five for Jack!).  He goes to the mirror and has a brutal hickey.  His eager puppy of a son pops in and tells him he made breakfast.  Careful, Sport.  You might not want to go bursting into your good-looking single dad’s bedroom.  God only knows what you’ll see.

Down at the table, Jack gets all high and mighty about what qualifies for cooking breakfast.  Feeling shame and hoping to end this emotional torment, his son asks if he’s coming to the concert tonight.  Jack immediately asks if his mom will be there.  He says yes.  To my surprise Jack doesn’t say “been there, done that.”  He missed a chance at another high five.

Claire comes in the room.  Guess we know who snuck out of Jack’s room this morning.  Gross! Because she’s pregnant.  Not because they’re siblings.  They asked how she was.  She says “Fine.  He kicks a lot at night.”  Maybe you shouldn’t talk about Jack’s sleeping habits in front of his son.

Jack gets up from eating his Super Bran cereal (made by the Mr. Cluck’s corporation) to answer the phone.  It’s Oceanic saying they found his dad’s body and it will be there soon.  Cut to the person on the other side of the phone, which is Dez.  Guess he took part time work as an operator for Oceanic.  Pretty cool he can work remotely like that.

Locke is getting hit on by a couple of teenage girls (what’s with the girls at this school) in the school parking lot.  Dez goes on break and is hanging out, watching Locke get hit on.  Really?  There’s no parking lot security after what happened?  Ben Linus shows up (I spoke too soon) and starts yelling for someone to call the fuzz since Dez is trying to kill Locke.  Desmond does what I think we all have wanted to do and just starts mercilessly punching him in the face.  He also says he is not trying to hurt Locke, but get him to let go.  So what are you trying to help Ben do?

Linus is pretentious to the school nurse when she calls him mister instead of doctor.  He then tells Locke not to call the police because the guy who ran him over just wants to help him let go.  There’s really no reason left for anyone to like him.  Locke deserves negative sanity points for taking Ben’s word for it and not following through with that police.  Also, Locke, someone probably called the cops already.

Meanwhile, Dez heads down the police station and turns himself in.  Sawyer takes him to the holding cells with Sayid and Kate.  They’re all in an open cell holding area.  Luckily, no one else in their precinct has been arrested today so it is just the three of them.  Also, how does Kate use the restroom in that setup?  I’m not asking biologically, but logistically.

The high school girl Linus has been awkwardly hanging out with offers to give a ride home.  Her plan is that her mom drives while they make out in the backseat.  Linus has been around the block and is reluctant because he knows it is a shoddy plan.  He eventually agrees when he finds out he’ll get a free meal out of it.  I think I am supposed to know who Alex’s mom is, but I don’t.

After dinner, Mrs. Alex puts Linus to work bussing dishes.  Seems kinda rude to invite over someone who took a savage beating and has their arm in a splint and put them to work.  Alex’s mom, never to lose a boy competition with her daughter, starts spinning game at Linus too.  Linus gets all emotional after Alex’s mom implies that there will be other dinners in the future.  Can’t say I blame him.

Meanwhile, Jack is sitting in his office fake typing.  Wheelchair Locke drops by and starts prying into his personal life.  He admits to throwing away Jack’s card (the correct move) but being weirded out that they keep running into each other.  He is clearly unfamiliar with deus ex machina.  He also has finally turned around on being fixed because the same guy who ran him over in a parking lot and also beat the hell out of one of his coworkers said the same phrase Jack said after his surgery.  That’s what it took?

Over in NoCrimeTown, Sawyer comes to transfer the only three arrests of the day to county.  Kate makes a move to get jailbroke.  It’s really bizarre and uncomfortable and probably easier for Sawyer to say no than Kate realizes.

Just look at the shock and confusion at the empty prison van.

During the car ride, Desmond says he will get everyone out of there if they do what he says after.  They all agree.  The car stops and a lady cop lets them all out.  Again, I should probably know who she is, but I don’t recognize her.  Hurley shows up with a wad of cash to buy off the guard.  He then tells Kate to put on a dress in front of him because they’re going to a concert.  Soooooo… what happened to that guard?  Seems like showing up with a van that was supposed to be full of prisoners but is now empty is going to be pretty hard to explain.

On the island, Jack is stitching up Kate.  He says it will hurt but it’s the best he can do.  Sounds about right.  Turns out Kate has a daughter named Gina (I think, she kinda mumbled this).  Based on what I know about the attention residual characters get, we can expect at least 2 hours of the finale to be dedicated to her. Kate says they need to kill Locke.  Jack agrees.  So, Jack was wrong before when he sided with Hurley and tried to be buddies with Sad Day Monster.

Sawyer is looking out at the ocean thinking about how awesome he is (and he’s right).  Kate makes a startlingly fast recovery and comes up to him for some cuddlin’.  Hurley stands alone.  Jack recognizes that Hurley is making Sawyer and Kate uncomfortable and suggests they go get Dez out of the well.  Good idea, Jack.

Finally we check back in on Ricardo, Miles, and Ben.  Apparently they’ve been taking the long route to find Sad Day Monster.  Miles starts getting all weird and I start questioning our friendship.  Then he says the word “wonky” and all is forgiven.  Also, Ricardo buried Ben’s daughter a while ago.  How many single parents are on this show?

They go into the back room of one of the houses.  There’s a creepy fireplace.  Linus says “it is where I was told I could summon the monster.  Until I learned the monster wanted to summon me.”  Intense.  Ben’s getting gradually creepier (no small feat for him) and grabs a bunch of explosives.  They hear a rattle in the kitchen and go to investigate.  It’s Smurfette.  Since she’s the only woman out of the nerds they all expected her to do the cooking and she needed some supplies.  Whitmore shows up and Ben is shocked.

As Whitmore fills up his glass at the sink, Ben says “Water you doing here.”  No one gets the pun.  Whitmore sez he is there because Jacob invited him.  Ben gets all jealous and calls him later.  Whitmore retorts with “yuh huh”.  And says his exact purpose is…  Smurfette interrupts to say Locke is coming in a canoe.  No one ever explains why Whitmore is there.  I am suspicious the writers aren’t real sure either.

Jack and Sawyer have a heart to heart in the woods.  Sawyer asks about the bomb on the sub.  Points out that Jack said it wouldn’t explode if they didn’t do anything.  Jack says he has been wrong before.  You sure have, Jack.  You sure have.  Sawyer says “I killed them, didn’t I?”  I yell “No Sawyer!  You were right!  Shut up!”  Jack graciously declines to answer.  Sawyer has to choke back some man tears.

Meanwhile, Hurley sees a kid in the woods.  He wants the ashes that Hurley took from Illana’s things.  After he gets them, the kid takes off running.  Much to Hurley’s knees’ chagrin, he takes off running after him.  Thankfully for Hurley, it’s a short chase before he finds Jacob burning a fire.  Jacob says we are close to the end.  About 2 hours by my count.

Back at the LOST Island Condo Association, everyone is making plans to scatter.  Linus asks Whitmore for his walkie-talkies. Whitmore: “Why?”  Ben: “Because I asked.” Whitmore: “I don’t think you understood my question.”  Whitmore and Smurfette go play seven minutes in heaven in the closet.  Miles makes a break for it into the woods.  Ben says he is going to stay.  Whitmore says Sad Day Monster will kill him.  “Then this is goodbye.”  Good riddance.  Ricardo is going to go try to talk some sense into Sad Day Monster.

They're playing Pictionary. I bet Sad Day Monster guesses this one right.

Instead, Ricardo gets knocked off the screen.  It was probably all staged so they could go hang out and ditch Ben.  Ben sits on the patio.  Sad Day Monster comes by for a visit (there goes my theory).  He tells Ben he needs him to kill some people for him.  If he does, he gets the island to himself.  Because sharing it with those other 10 people was probably what made it so miserable.  Ben tells sad Day Monster that Whitmore is in the closet.  Which I assume he means as an insult.

In the closet, Ben is looking over Sad Day Monster’s shoulder because he’s interested in watching (not the first time he’s said that I’m sure).  Sad Day Monster asks Smurfette “what up” and when she starts to answer, Whitmore tells her not to talk to him.  Sad Day Monster slashes her throat.  I’m glad we got away from the abdomen stabs, but slashing a throat isn’t much better.  Whitmore asks why he did that.  Sad Day Monster says “you told her not to talk to me, that made her pointless.” Oh. So that explains the other 25 characters that have died in the last 3 episodes.  Where did all those nice clothes come from?  Is there a Gap on the island?

Then Sad Day Monster and Whitmore talk about why Dez is here and Linus shoots him.  Probably out of jealousy.  Then asks if there is anyone else to kill.  Illana should have shot him a long time ago.

Jacob greets Kate, Hurley, and Sawyer at the campfire.  Then gives a special hello to Jack.  From here on out this is just an episode of the Bachelorette.  Jack is 100% the front runner.  Hopefully there’s no overnight dates in this show.  Also, they can all see Jacob so Hurley is no longer special.  This basically turns into a Q & A with the writers of the series.  We learn they’re here because Jacob created Sad Day Monster (which we knew from last week) and now someone has to keep him from leaving.  They’re all candidates because their lives suck.  Sawyer says his life doesn’t suck.  But when Jacob responds with “yes it does”, Sawyer doesn’t have a response.  Jacob needs someone to take over.  Awesome.  That was a productive five minutes.  I kinda wish they lead off this season with that.

Always a groomsman, never a groom.

Interestingly, Kate gets all sad because her name was crossed off in the cave.  Jacob says it is because she became a mother.  Don’t Jin, Sun, and Jack all have kids too?  Hurley moves us past this glaring hole by asking how Jacob will pick.  Jacob says he won’t, someone will volunteer.  Jack, having not spoken in a while, says he’ll do it.   Jacob is ecstatic that his first choice accepted his proposal and will get into the hot tub with him.  Hurley is still watching the double date from a chair poolside.

Everyone watches awkwardly as they walk off into the woods, holding hands.  Sawyer says “And I thought that guy had a god complex before.” Yes!  Kate nags him.  He says “I know” like he is wrong.  The Sawyer I know would never back off that statement.

Jacob and Sawyer get to the river.  Jacob: “Got a cup?” Jack: “Yeah, I do.  We were playing softball earlier.  Why? Am I gonna get hit in the… Oh! You mean like a drinking cup.  Yeah, I have one of those too.  Right here in my backpack.”  Jacob then scoops up river water and says Baruch Ata Adonai Eloheinu and hands the cup to Jack.  Jacob got metaphor wine and Jack has to settle for literal river water.  What a ripoff.  Either way, Jack chugs it down and then looks all googly eyed.  Kinda like a college freshman who does a lemon drop shot then pretends to be all liquored up.  Afterward, Jacob says “now you’re just like me.  Softspoken with mommy issues.”

Ben and Locke get to the well.  There’s a rope leading in and no Dez.  Which, in an M. Night Shyamalan-esque twist, doesn’t bother Sad Day Monster at all.  Locke is going to go find Desmond because he can help him destroy the island.  Which I am hoping translates to epic fist fight.

Thoughts I Have

  • Oh, and there was some nonsense about how they lived in these houses 30 years ago and lived here a long time.  But it seems completely unrelated to anything, so I am skipping it.
  • Why was there an entire episode redeeming Ben only have him turn the complete other way?
  • I watched the first few minutes of V.  It was terrible.
  • If Miles wasn’t on the plane, then why is he on the island?
  • We’re almost to the end.  Countdown clock is close to zero.

    The minimalism is what makes it dramatic.

94 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Tim Thomason on May 19, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    Yes. Nice.

    Reply

  2. Posted by Ben on May 19, 2010 at 4:58 pm

    IMPORTANT QUESTION FOR PAPADURBIN:
    Will you be watching the hour-long recap episode prior to the

    series finale this Sunday? It would seem that doing so might

    spoil the validity of your noble cause. Just a thought.

    Reply

  3. Posted by capslocke on May 19, 2010 at 5:09 pm

    “Ben tells sad Day Monster that Whitmore is in the closet. Which I assume he means as an insult.”

    While i was watching it i was thinking of how you were gonna make that funny :-).

    Reply

  4. Posted by studiorose on May 19, 2010 at 5:12 pm

    Hooray, it’s here! It’s actually rather pathetic how much I missed this. :)

    Reply

  5. Posted by Lizzie on May 19, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    Best part of my day! I’ll be sad when this blog is over :(

    Reply

  6. The “water you doing here” bit was just… Wow… Damn near pissed myself laughing. I’m all for lame puns. And that one was epic. Kudos to you sir. You never cease to amaze me!!

    Reply

  7. Posted by macgirl1234 on May 19, 2010 at 5:19 pm

    “Miles starts getting all weird and I start questioning our friendship. Then he says the word “wonky” and all is forgiven”

    Cant wait to read the finale recap!!!!!!!!

    Reply

    • Posted by stol on May 19, 2010 at 8:10 pm

      That was one of my favorite lines too!
      His bond with Miles makes me laugh. His distain for Jack is makes me roar!

      Reply

      • Posted by colbyfromage on May 22, 2010 at 4:29 pm

        I loved that Miles said “wonky”, too, but I thought it was just me! Very nice.

        Reply

  8. yes, of the myriad LOST-related viewing opportunities this weekend, what WILL you do?

    abc is showing the pilot on saturday night…will you watch that, i wonder? and then sunday night is a TWO hour retrospective…and then the finale is two AND A HALF hours. (which you probly know, since we all read the same internet. but you only mentioned two hours, and your television is out of frame in the ‘clean house’ drawing, so in case you, like, still set a VCR, i thought you should be aware.)

    also, are we to gather from the drawings that you have a drawn-on beard (please say yes)?

    Reply

    • Posted by Me626 on May 20, 2010 at 10:41 am

      Papadurbin,
      Perhaps you should consider publishing a Lost stick-figure rendition book? hmmm

      >: }

      Reply

  9. Posted by Jon From NC on May 19, 2010 at 5:21 pm

    Dude Deus Ex Machina was the name of a Locke episode!!

    either you’ve seen this show, or you are just awesome. id go for both personally lol.

    Reply

    • Posted by G on May 19, 2010 at 10:27 pm

      hey dude, the Lost hacks didn’t invent the term “deus ex machina” – the greeks did thousands of years ago

      Reply

      • Posted by shza on May 20, 2010 at 11:23 am

        It’s Latin, not Greek. LOL.

        Reply

        • Posted by D on May 20, 2010 at 12:23 pm

          Yeah, but the Greeks invented the idea. Horace coined the term when referring to the ending of a lot of Greek dramas.

          Reply

          • Posted by Susie McNeil on May 20, 2010 at 6:16 pm

            One or all of you needs to run for office in Alaska or one of the states in the middle; your intelligence is being wasted in blog land…take it public…

      • Posted by Jessica on May 24, 2010 at 12:04 pm

        G, I think you’ve missed the point. Jon From NC isn’t saying that the Lost writers invented the term. The point is, it’s an amazing coincidence that he chose to use the term, especially in reference to Locke, as a Locke-centric episode in Season 1 was titled with the same term.

        Reply

        • Posted by Dan on May 25, 2010 at 11:14 am

          And your point is?

          I see that term in a lot of review blogs, not just in Lost. People seem to have this idea that if you say anything that coincides with anything in the Lost series, you must be a hardcore fan no matter what you say. Really, people are just reading their own Lost Worship into other people.

          “He said ‘the’!!!! Jack said that word in the first season!!! He MUST have seen the whole series!”

          Reply

  10. Posted by Jason on May 19, 2010 at 5:33 pm

    What, no one wants to mention that Kate doesn’t have a daughter? She was talking about Ji-Yeon, Jin and Sun’s daughter. Don’t blame you for missing that, though, she was a little mumbly.

    Reply

    • Posted by stol on May 19, 2010 at 8:13 pm

      Yeah, I thought I missed something epic reading the blog about Kate’s daughter, Gina?
      Thanks for clarifying.

      Reply

    • Posted by meimy on May 20, 2010 at 7:43 pm

      In all fairness, I totally thought she said “I had a daughter ya know.” Until she said Ji-Yeon, then I knew she’d said, “THEY had a daughter.” She was very mumbly.

      Reply

    • Posted by abc on May 23, 2010 at 4:05 pm

      Kate does not have her own daughter, but she is taking care of Claire’s daughter.

      Reply

  11. Posted by dgrant on May 19, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    Yeah, Bachelorette – was it weird or what when Jacob gave the wine to Jack, he got all googly eyed, and then we had that long shot over Jack’s shoulder when it looked for sure like Jacob was gonna give him a big smootchie. Thinking like it had been 2,000 years and no nooky and now he was dead, but no, his ashes were already IN the fire, so times up. I’m guessing that’s why Jack looked like he dodged a bullet.

    Reply

  12. Posted by Dave on May 19, 2010 at 5:41 pm

    You better not watch the two-hour recap on Sunday. Not sure if it is a series or season recap, and you can’t have any old info. 9pm Sunday, no earlier.

    Reply

  13. Posted by debi on May 19, 2010 at 6:08 pm

    Ben has been so sidelined this season that it would be hard to tell what an awesome character he is. I’m hoping he is pulling a con on sad day monster .

    Reply

  14. Posted by Captain Curmudgeon on May 19, 2010 at 6:13 pm

    I think the real function of Snoozeville is to give every actor who was ever in the series a chance for one week’s work (one day in the case of Michelle Rodriguez) and a free trip back to Hawaii. I was betting against MR (aka Ana Lucia) since she seems to have been dropped from the series because of a DUI charge.

    Reply

    • She agreed with the writers to do the show for just one season before she even started it, so no, she didn’t get dropped because of a DUI charge. Notice how all of the other tailies besides Bernard are dead? Yeah, that’s because they were just brought in to stretch out the series.

      Reply

      • Posted by Maggie on May 20, 2010 at 10:30 am

        Libby is alive and she was in the tail section.

        Reply

        • Posted by Esther Greenwood on May 20, 2010 at 12:07 pm

          Libby is only alive in the sideways world. Michael shot her when he shot Anna Lucia at the end of season 2.

          Reply

        • Posted by Dave M on May 20, 2010 at 12:23 pm

          He was referring to the ‘normal’ timeline. Bernard is the only one that we know is alive. Cindy may be alive but the show seems to have forgotten about smokey’s group lately.

          My main gripe with the tailies was just like he said, they mostly ended up as filler. Oddly, the one they picked to expand on was Eko. They had written a lot of story and background for him but he decided to leave the show. Which is why he has yet to show up this season I suppose.

          Reply

  15. Posted by ian on May 19, 2010 at 6:21 pm

    lol @Kate’s daughter named Gina. she was talking about Jin and Sun’s daughter Ji-Yeon

    Reply

  16. Posted by Sophie on May 19, 2010 at 6:26 pm

    BEN IS FUCKING AWESOME – THAT IS ALL!

    Reply

    • Posted by Jenny on May 23, 2010 at 12:15 pm

      amen to that!! I loved Ben turning back to the ‘dark’ side. It was like old Ben that I loved so dearly. Ben looks out for no one but Ben.

      Reply

  17. Posted by Patrick on May 19, 2010 at 6:39 pm

    How about a web cam reading of your final blog??? Very witty stuff.

    Reply

  18. Posted by Loonette on May 19, 2010 at 6:45 pm

    Let us know about your Chicago connection thing. Some of this blog makes me think you’re not as clueless about Lost as you claim to be. Maybe I’m wrong tho. I expect the Final Scene to be with Bob Dylan standing on the beach with guitar singing “the answer my friend is blowing in the wind” Fade to BLack. The End.

    Reply

  19. Posted by Kristi on May 19, 2010 at 6:56 pm

    “Sawyer is looking out at the ocean thinking about how awesome he is (and he’s right).” Awesome.

    Oh, and I’m not sure or not if you’re kidding about the live reading, but if you’re serious, I’m so there since I live in the Chicago area. Woo hoo!

    Reply

  20. Posted by Goof on May 19, 2010 at 7:41 pm

    When Flocke killed Zoey my thougts were; “R.I.P Smurfette.”

    Reply

  21. Posted by stol on May 19, 2010 at 8:22 pm

    I was kinda hopeful that Sawyer would make a lead move to protect the Island.
    That would have shaken things up a bit and put a smile on the blogsters bearded face.

    Reply

  22. Posted by Cindy loo hoo on May 19, 2010 at 8:48 pm

    Thank you!

    I realized I am way to dependent on your blog to make my week. We are all screwed when Lost is over!

    Am i super lame that I laughed my ass off at the “water you doing here” pun? Jack and Claire scenario hysterical.

    Cant wait until Sunday or Monday when you post.

    Reply

  23. Posted by chrissy on May 19, 2010 at 9:48 pm

    I’m shocked you didn’t call out the mysterious reappearance of Jack’s backpack! Unless he decided, while on the sub, the backpack was equally as important as saving Sawyer. Or, he could have had a spare hiding in a tree…

    Reply

    • In Jorge Garcia’s podcast (Geronimo Jack’s Beard), he said that in the script there was a scene were Jack finds a backpack in the water with the cup in it and took it with him. Guess it got cut for time.

      Reply

    • Posted by Belica on May 20, 2010 at 3:35 am

      Yes!, me too. After the last week line “Jack cries because he lost his backpack” I’ve been expecting you to comment how his best buddy magically came back to his shoulders (with a metal cup on it). Oh, and jelous Sawyer must have realized that having a backpack is important in the whole bachelorette thing because he’s got one too.

      Reply

  24. Posted by kellylucubrates on May 19, 2010 at 10:06 pm

    I’m out of town and haven’t been able to watch LOST for over a month but reading this blog may be even better than watching. Thank you for the amazing amount of hilarity! And you are right, Sawyer IS awesome! xox

    Reply

  25. Posted by Carolann on May 19, 2010 at 10:22 pm

    Hahaha… Dude, you wrote “calling the fuzz” which means u.r. My age or older. Not sure why this amuses me but it does.

    Reply

  26. Posted by Rafael on May 19, 2010 at 11:14 pm

    Dude, I’m not finished reading it, but I know that this is your best post so far

    “Some high school girls are hitting on Locke (seriously what is up with the girl’s at this school?)”

    “It’s really bizarre and uncomfortable and probably easier for Sawyer to say no than Kate realizes”

    “Over in NoCrimeTown…”

    I hate quoting because it’s so unoriginal, but you excel at parodying this show. I say that because I know that deep down, you’re enjoying Lost as much as we are :D

    Reply

  27. Posted by Ashley on May 19, 2010 at 11:29 pm

    I seriously am going to miss this almost more than Lost.
    Are you going to watch the first five seasons when its done? To figure out whats actually happening?

    Reply

  28. Dude, I know he’s not showing it much this season, but I wish you knew how awesome Benjamin Linus is.

    Reply

  29. This recaps are way, way better than the actual episodes!

    Actually they are the only interesting thing about season 6 so far.

    Reply

  30. Thank you this is the most amazing recap yet! I have been waiting for this a LOOONG time!!!

    Reply

  31. Most excellent post!

    Reply

  32. Posted by other on May 20, 2010 at 6:23 am

    Miles continues to prove that he is the only sensible character on this show, b/c when faced with the prospect of fighting a rampaging, unkillable Sad Day Monster, he gets the f out of there. High fives all around. Can’t wait for the finale recap.

    Reply

  33. Posted by MrS on May 20, 2010 at 6:30 am

    For what it’s worth, it’s actually “Widmore”. Not sure whether or not you realize this and are just continuing to use what you originally thought was the name.

    I love reading your summaries, and I’m looking forward to the finale post!

    Reply

  34. Posted by debdolls on May 20, 2010 at 7:08 am

    This might be the funniest Never Seen Lost blog yet…loved it. Here’s some smooshy-wooshy xxx’s and ooo’s for you :)

    Reply

  35. Posted by Benoit on May 20, 2010 at 8:40 am

    You should totally watch the pilot before the finale ! It would be perfect !!

    Reply

  36. Posted by Alex Trebek on May 20, 2010 at 9:12 am

    Funny, but I continue to call shenanigans. I find it interesting that you always correctly guess when you should know someone and never guess it when it’s someone you shouldn’t, like the nurse.

    Reply

    • Posted by Ben on May 20, 2010 at 10:04 am

      You’ll rue the day you crossed papadurbin, Trebek.

      Reply

    • Posted by Dan on May 20, 2010 at 6:09 pm

      Perhaps it’s the way the show pays special attention to specific people. As a Lostie, you may not notice the difference, but an outsider would.

      Reply

      • Posted by Grimalkin on May 20, 2010 at 8:36 pm

        Agreed. The show kind of dwells on certain people, and even more so in the Sideways world. It seems like the big reveals would be noticeable even to an outsider.
        On a side note, I was a bit skeptical at first, but the line about Jack having a kid in this post convinced me that the author’s telling the truth. After all, without watching the other seasons- sure Jack has a kid, they showed him in the sideways world! And, well, if Sawyer had a kid, she’d show up in the sideways world, right? It seems logical for an outsider to assume, but not for a Lostie.

        Reply

  37. Posted by rockin_robin on May 20, 2010 at 10:01 am

    Every time you mention the bomb on the sub, you say that Jack was wrong because he said if they don’t do anything, the bomb won’t explode. It sounds like you are saying that they did not do anything and the bomb exploded, which makes him wrong. I don’t know if you missed it, but Sawyer pull two wires out. Which means he DID do something, and the bomb exploded. Of course we don’t know if it would have exploded anyway. But we can’t say Jack was wrong, he might have been right. If he was right, then Sawyer pulling the wires out made the bomb explode.

    Reply

  38. Posted by Esther on May 20, 2010 at 10:22 am

    “He admits to throwing away Jack’s card (the correct move)”,

    “Sawyer is looking out at the ocean thinking about how awesome he is (and he’s right)”,

    “Since she’s the only woman out of the nerds they all expected her to do the cooking”,

    “Much to Hurley’s knees’ chagrin, he takes off running after him”,

    “Whitmore and Smurfette go play seven minutes in heaven in the closet”,

    “Jacob is ecstatic that his first choice accepted his proposal and will get into the hot tub with him. ”

    And last but not least:

    “now you’re just like me. Softspoken with mommy issues.” ROFL hahahaha

    You’re great. Please write several recaps after the finale, at least 3! (one per hour) and do the pilot too :D Aw I’m gonna miss you ;_;

    Reply

  39. I love this blog. Really hilarious. That’s all I wanted to say :)

    Reply

  40. Posted by Johnny on May 20, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    I wonder if this person knows that the next episode is on a Sunday…

    Reply

  41. Posted by Someone on May 20, 2010 at 3:54 pm

    DO NOT WATCH THE RECAP BEFORE THE FINALE, PLEASE.

    Reply

  42. Posted by annina22363 on May 20, 2010 at 11:33 pm

    Super post dude! Can’t wait to read your finale tough I already know I’ll be missing you.
    The best net reading in months! Kudos from Italy. Keep writing.

    Reply

  43. Posted by beema on May 21, 2010 at 11:02 pm

    Man, the worst thing about the show ending will be not having these recaps to read anymore. I really hope you take up people’s suggestion of watching the rest of the show backwards and recapping it. Also: Sad Day Monster t-shirts. c’mon. you know you wanna sell out!

    Best quotes:

    “He is clearly unfamiliar with deus ex machina. He also has finally turned around on being fixed because the same guy who ran him over in a parking lot and also beat the hell out of one of his coworkers said the same phrase Jack said after his surgery. That’s what it took?”
    hahahaha
    Locke gets major demerits in sense this episode. Ben too.

    “No one ever explains why Whitmore is there. I am suspicious the writers aren’t real sure either.”
    no kiddin

    “Oh. So that explains the other 25 characters that have died in the last 3 episodes.”
    Sadly, yes.

    “Jacob says it is because she became a mother. Don’t Jin, Sun, and Jack all have kids too? Hurley moves us past this glaring hole by asking how Jacob will pick.”
    hahahaha
    well, Jack isn’t in this universe, but the statement still holds up.

    “# Oh, and there was some nonsense about how they lived in these houses 30 years ago and lived here a long time. But it seems completely unrelated to anything, so I am skipping it.”
    Sadly, we thought this was important when WE saw it, but in the end, it really didn’t matter, just like you assumed.

    “# I watched the first few minutes of V. It was terrible.”
    LOL

    Reply

  44. SPOILER ALERT !!

    This afternoon’s episode of Hawaii Five O ‘splains everything Ricki!!

    It was not a dark and stormy night, it was a bright and sunny afternoon on an island called Hahwhyee.
    The head of a Fair haired man is lying on the edge of a cliff over looking the ocean, beating unsuccessfully on large boulders. YES ! It’s the cliff by the cave of 2 pebbles and no chalkboard but a dry cave ceiling. Also no rope ladders. The fair haired man is named Daniell. No ruse ! he looks straight down at the water and his view is interrupted by a red haired girl standing n a ledge and looking up at him. He wants to hold hands, but she declines and with a Hallelujah tells God she is coming and does a beautiful dive off of the cliff. Daniell says “NO” and with draws his proffered hand. The girl vanishes and is never seen again. Daniell says she was born on the island and it’s too bad that she didn’t get to go to school on the maineland. Her Dad saved a bundle in airfare and tuition.

    I decide to go for a walk on the theory that the middle is just filler. My cousin Aslandra Malinois has been time traveling and does not want to get out of bed. I go out anyway and just for spite she makes it rain. We go in to the woods any way and get wet. It stops raining when we get back home. The sad day monster was only jerking our chains.We are all relieved. The human goes to the lagoon room and undresses. This is not a pretty sight. The waterfall starts and the lagoon fills with water and floating bark mulch. Not such a good idea to repot the herbs in the tub, er pool.

    All right. Now Daniel has gone to the Security Office of the D. I.. Sawyer is not there, but …….. it’s Jack, Lord !! He doesn’t keep his gun in the back of his pants but under his armpit. To no one’s surprise, he is irritable and chafing. He yells at Daniell and wants the person who killed Trix punished. Jack says that he is going to visit David. Jack gets into the DI VW, which has morphed into a huge black car named Ford !. Jack gets to David’s home and is even more irritable than he was in the office.

    WHOA ! David is…….dressed in Black !! and he has hit puberty and has more beard than his Dad. So, one mystery solved. David is the MIB !!Jack is the father !! He came to the island from Maineland on an airplane. Jack yells at David and wants to know where he keeps the acid ropps. David denies that he has the ropps. Jack gets really angry and says “STOP STALIN!” and leaves without saluting. David smirks and replies that Jack had better not come back without the warren. Dharma Bunnies !

    And one appears ! Looks like Juliet but with reddish hair. Everyone has henna highlights on the island. But there isn’t a single barbershop or beauty saloon. Oh well. Juliet’s look alike is called Phebee and looks just like the Phebes on the TV shows that she’s on. The flying girl that Daniell lost was E.D. David is angry at Phebee for telling his dad that he had ropps. He told her that he was not going to be her Guide any more. He gave her a two wheeled motorcycle and she went for a ride on her own. It was a good ride and she laughed the whole time. There were some bright flashes and the sky went orange and red and blue and green and then back to normal. Pheebee fell of the bike, still laughing. Now that’s a migraine.

    Pheebee wakes up in a clean hotel with lots of bell hops and bland white linen. The bellhops want her to sleep some more, so they all grab her and put her into her bed and tie her up and give her a shot. Looks like gang rap. Jack and Daniell show up too late to play, so they take her out of bed. Her legs work as well as those on a rubber duck. They go to get themselves another girl, but she is lying in bed backwards and shakes her head “No” evertime they say something. Jack says he can’t fix her because the speed left her lying, just like a vegetable in a mental hospital. I’d be cautious about sleeping anywhere that tucked vegetables into bed 24/7. And I’d rather not consider what is on the menu and in the refrigerator. I’m also not sure how he knew she was not telling the truth.

    WOW ! Two children ( a boy and a girl) are wandering through the forest and come upon a tree root that looks alot similar to the Keebler’s tree, only there are lots of bugs instead of chips. The children pick out their favorites and then POW SHAZAM a big green creature appears and eats them all (bugs). The children shriek “SHRK”. meanwhile back on the island

    Jack and Daniell are trying to find out where the acid heds are. They have already passed several rest rooms, so perhaps they are looking for dinosaurs and the Green Monster was a prequel.Phebee could use a pit stop to comb out her Clairehair. But no one lets her have anything except their hands.

    Meanwhile, back at David’s house David is waiting for Phebee and decides to give up on her and takes a trip on his own. He sweats alot and jogs down town through deserted streets and gets tangled up in a display of wind chimes. He, too, has a migraine for a few minutes. The noise of the chimes wakes him and he struggles free and heads for home. Phebee shows up and he reads poetry to her about ropps, Ben’s dreens, (see – even Ben !!), Ms. Kalin, and says life is like nothing in this world. There is one Great Adventure left in Life ( a Bible Study group ?!) and that is to die. So he

    takes a gun and heads out to the cliff to see if he can hook up with Hurley’s friend Dave. On the way he stops at the cemetary, which now has all sorts of ancient grave markers and hieroglyphs and paths with newly laid landscaping tiles. He tells Edie she should not have died alone as he leaves to go to the cliff. She wasn’t, he just didn’t know she had been two timing him with Daniell.

    David hops down to the ledge for jumpers. This is facilitated by the park service having built a small 18 inch high stone wall surrounding a telescope (with mirrors ! a mini lighthouse). Pheebee shows up and then Jack shows up in Ford. He takes off his jacket and lets his red tie blow in the wind. Blue suit and white short. YAY ! oops. I’m in the ooosah. He is still wearing his gun underneath his armpit, and now he is really crabby. He goes to lie down on the edge of the cliff to watch the waves still bashing the rocks and talk to David. They chat and then Jack says gimme your gun and when David does (barrel first causing Daniell to worry) Jack grabs David’s arm instead and then knocks the gun away from David so Edie can catch it if she were paying attention, which she’s not since she is not visible to anyone except David and not even now.

    Daniell runs over and grabs David and he and Jack pull David up onto the cliff, just like Locke had taught Jack. Or the other way around. I forget which. The guys all gather round and Jack smiles and tells Daniell to bookm. He does and takes everyone with him. Jack stands solo on the cliff.

    Let’s see. There was a Mr. Hastings that appeared at David’s house with a gun, but he left. He was angry, he said David killed his daughter. That’s pretty much the only mention of a Christian Shepherd. figure. Only David saw him, so we knew that David is special. There was also a guy named Chin who had a wife and daughter on the island. Oh, yeah. Jack plays the guitar. He has no girlfriend, but he, too, is into drugs big time.He wants them all off of the island. Hopefully he won’t pull a Charlie.

    The End

    Cousin R. Pnkn Moonshine, spaetzle

    Reply

  45. Posted by Kira Mae on May 23, 2010 at 11:11 am

    “Water you doing here?”

    BWA-ha-hah! I’m awful sad at myself for laughing at that.

    I still vote for you watching the whole series in reverse order of seasons.

    Reply

  46. PLEASE can you post a recap on the grand finale?? I’d love to hear what you think. though i completely understand it, i think reading your interpretation would be hilarous as its obvious your not trying to understand

    Reply

  47. Posted by Mira8 on May 24, 2010 at 8:45 pm

    V is really not that bad. I propose, now that LOST is ending, that you start blogging it. Cause I will miss these posts!

    Reply

  48. Posted by eve on May 24, 2010 at 9:58 pm

    Hurry, hurry! I need your finale recap before I can gain closure. I am still in shock and mourning. I need to laugh.

    Reply

  49. Posted by emily elizabeth on May 24, 2010 at 10:06 pm

    i love your blog and im really interested to read what you thought of the finale. please post soon soon soon!

    Reply

  50. Posted by Dani on May 24, 2010 at 11:44 pm

    Can you please make another goodbye montage video for Lost like you did for Toga?

    I will miss this website almost as much as I miss Lost! Great job!

    Reply

  51. Posted by Cindy Loo Hoo on May 25, 2010 at 8:27 am

    Please don’t leave us. There is plenty of TV to critique and blog about out there.

    I cant take a week without you and your drawings. I cant take it I tell ya!

    Reply

  52. Posted by Aubrey on May 25, 2010 at 8:53 am

    Damn. i guess were not getting your post until tomorrow. I cant wait much longer!

    Reply

  53. Posted by annina22363 on May 25, 2010 at 9:05 am

    Hey man, are you still writing about the finale or were you just just knocked out by it?
    People’s just crazy as it seems no one got it right so… I confide in you to set things clear for many.
    I’m waiting for you to post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply

  54. Posted by unknown on May 25, 2010 at 10:41 am

    I enjoyed your critiques, will you review Fringe next? Because if you haven’t seen season 1 and 2, season 3 will be completely disorientating.

    I am so excited for your review of the final episode. I am really satisfied by the final episode. I really want to go back and re-watch from season 1 forward again… because now we know that they are brought there to be candidates to be protectors for the island;

    - they are removed from the candidate pool when they obtain a life/happiness/fulfillment outside
    - they demonstrate that they are not worthy of being the successful candidate
    - they are unfortunate enough to duck the flaming arrows or the murderous look in their island mates’ eyes

    I was wondering if there will be huge backlash from fanboys and girls, similar to the Battlestar ending. I haven’t seen it. Will you be the backlash?

    Reply

  55. Posted by blubb on May 25, 2010 at 10:49 am

    You’re doing this to torture us, aren’t you?

    Fellow losties, I liked the finale. First I was all hype, then I thought it was a cop-out, now I’m totally happy with it again…

    Reply

  56. Posted by Loonette on May 25, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    The show was telling us all along that the heaviest character on the outside was the Lightest character on the inside. Sawyer had all kinds of nicknames for everyone mostly insulting them. Hurley had used a nickname too, but it was the same one for everyone. “Dude” Hurley protected everything and everyone on the island right from the start. Hurley couldn’t lie, and never wanted to kill anything. Hurley proves Jacob Right, that man is basically good not evil from birth. Hurley is #1 and always has been. Who was Jack’s son? I would have to say “Geronimo” ! Why wasn’t Hurley Special? Because he was Blessed.

    Reply

  57. Posted by YourMom on May 25, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    Pretty good overall show to marathon in a month. Around the middle of season 6 it was pretty obvious that a cop out bullshit finale with forced tearjerking scenes is coming.
    AFAIK the author doesn’t read comments(spoilers, retarded fanboys etc).

    Reply

  58. Posted by Kerry on May 25, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    I think I’m going to miss your blog more than the show! You should pick something else to skewer!

    Reply

  59. Posted by ProfessorFedor on May 25, 2010 at 5:51 pm

    i just was looking for some entertainment, now LOST is gone, so i (accendently) visited your blog. i wanted to leave but “I watched the first few minutes of V. It was terrible.” made me laugh so hard, i decided to read the rest of it. well done! it was fun! :)

    Reply

  60. Posted by LOST LUVA on May 25, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    the last ep was $%^&@ass awesome som of u might not understand it but it is a happy ending

    Reply

  61. Posted by Sophie on May 27, 2010 at 1:59 pm

    BENBENBENBENBENBENBENBENBENBENBENBENBENBENBENBEN

    Benjamin Linus is the most amazing character EVER!! You should watch the rest of LOST purely to have your opinion changed and your mind blown by his brilliance!!!

    Reply

  62. Posted by traci on July 3, 2010 at 6:15 am

    ” He is clearly unfamiliar with deus ex machina. ”
    rofl! Way too funny!

    Reply

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