Episode 17 of the Final Season of LOST

SPOILER ALERT!!!!! Do I really need to say that?  The series is over.  There’s nothing left for us to spoil.  We already know all about the show and what it was about.  It’s crystal clear.  For those who hate math, Episode 17 is also the finale.  To be even more transparent, this is the last two and a half hours of LOST.  So it might be Episode 17, Episode 18, and a super short Episode 19.

That was fun, huh?  We got all of our questions answered all in this one episode.  Well, almost all of them.  Ok, the majority of them.  Some of them?  Cool.

Filing this away with the other 30 billion pages about LOST

I did not watch the series recap clip show.  I did DVR it though so I can watch it and get all caught up in two hours.  I enjoyed the finale.  The little flashback things to previous seasons made me want to watch them.   But it also made it seem like a completely different show from what this last season was.

I’ll be back the next time a series is going into the finale.  Send me an e-mail at neverseenlost [at] yahoo.com if you want to get a notification of whenever that is.  Or for the 1,000th time you can follow me on the Twitter (@jdurbin).

As a friend pointed out, this might be the first blog with a definitive end.  Good to be a part of history.  I will be back (hopefully Thursday) with a wrap up entry where I answer some questions and will read the comments for the first time since week 1.  I can’t even imagine what’s been going on down there.

For the live reading: Looks like The Shady Lady at 712 N. Clark St. on Thursday.  Reading will go from 6-7 so be sure to be there a little early.  Please also RSVP to fanclub[at]denuology.com if you have not already.  That way if plans change last second we can notify you.  Worst case scenario, I will be there hanging out and I can just read to you from the newspaper or draw you a picture.

And finally…

Overall What is Happening

Jack’s dead.  That’s it.

OK, not really.  Well, yes.  Jack is really dead.  But there’s more to it than that.  So much more.

Everything on the island actually happened.  This includes: a person being floated into a cave and turning into Sad Day Monster, a life-restoring hot tub, a dude who can live forever and hands done island protecting responsibilities, people who can talk to the dead, and a cork that keeps the island from sinking because of the evil underneath it.  We don’t know what that evil is and why it matters that the island doesn’t sink.  But it does.

After Jack died, Hurley, Ben, and Desmond were left on the island.  Hurley is protecting it.  Yikes.  We have no idea how long he protected it or how smoothly things went, we just know that Linus was his sidekick and Desmond is going to be pretty miserable for a while. Kate, Sawyer, Pilot, Miles, Ricardo, and Claire all made it off the island.  Good for them.

Everything in Snoozeville, however, was a group imagination projection by a bunch of dead people.  It’s also what LOST has really been about all this time.  They’re all boring so the island was when their lives peaked.  Because they all had the same good times, they all need to be together to get out of Snoozeville.  Once they all get into the same room, they get to go to the afterlife (huge gamble on where they end up going).  If you hold hands with someone, you get to make love to them.  Take that, match.com!

The other possibility is that none of this is real and is part of the imagination of a junky who is having a bad trip.  Unfortunately, to squeeze some more ads in, they cut out the last 5 minutes where we find that out.

More Detailed Episode Recap

Get excited, the woosh woosh woosh transition is back!  But selectively.

Previously… On Lost… A whole lotta stuff happened.  This seemed unnecessary considering it’s the season finale and there was a 2 hour clip show of previous seasons. Oh well.  Episode go now!

Nice, slow pretty montage showing the characters double lives.  Jack’s dad’s coffin arrives in LA.  Which is an incredible coincidence that Desmond pranked him to say it was arriving and it actually was and the airline didn’t call Jack to inform him.  Jack is looking at a head X-ray, trying to figure out what’s wrong with this guy’s knee.  Linus is drinking some coffee, wondering which member of Alex’s family he should make a run at.  Locke is being wheeled on a gurney about to have surgery on his spine by someone who probably shouldn’t even be allowed to give a tetanus shot.  He and Ben are on the island getting ready to fight.  Sawyer walks by a mirror he punched earlier and says “there’s more where that came from, mirror.”  On the island he pretends to look at Kate’s wound so he can look down her shirt.

Over at a building, a delivery van shows up with Jack’s dad.  Kate waits in the car so she doesn’t mess anything up.  Some guy who looks like a roadie for Wide Spread Panic is driving the delivery truck for a day job.  Dez approaches him and the guy asks if he works here.  Yep, says Desmond.  “Are you a priest or something?”  I don’t think this truck driver has ever seen a priest.  Desmond just signs the form and the body is his. Hopefully no necrophiliacs are watching this to learn how easy it is to get a body.  Back in the car, Kate is really insensitive and makes fun on Jack’s dad’s name (Christian Shephard).  I don’t get the joke.  Dez wants to leave and says he needs Kate’s help and he will show her where he wants to go.

On the island, Kate sneaks up on Jack who is standing in the river without rolling up his jeans.  Then they have some boring conversation around how he feels.  The key point here is that Sawyer runs off to get Desmond while the rest head for the light tunnel.  On his way out, he squeezes in a little flirt with Kate.  Nice.

woosh woosh woosh

Hurley’s job is to not run over a blind man walking a dog.  He succeeds.  He then hands Sayid a tranqualizer gun so he can go finish his job.  Sayid says “thanks but no thanks” because he only believes in murdering people, not tranquin’ ’em.  Hurley decides to take matters into his own inflated hands.  He takes the gun and slides out of the Hummer.  When he knocks on the door at the seedy hotel, Condom Drug Hobbit (CDH) answers the door.  He’s all messed up on booze and drugs.

Angry that Hurley has bothered him, he holds up the “Do Not Disturb” sign indignantly.  If you didn’t want to get disturbed, you shouldn’t have answered the door, chief.  Hurley, disgusted by CDH’s destructive life choices, shoots him in the spine with a tranqualizer gun.  Eesh.  Hey Hurley, let’s not paralyze this guy.  We do eventually need him to walk again.  Hurley then carries him out to his Hummer in broad daylight and nobody does anything to stop him.  To be fair though, if I saw Hurley carrying CDH over his shoulder passed out, I would just assume the tranny owed the big guy money.

woosh woosh woosh

Kate and Jack have a little heart to heart about why Jack chose to protect the island.  Hurley ruins the moment one last time.  Wouldn’t be the same without you, Hurley.  While talking, Jack says he ruined everything.  I commend you for admitting it, Jack.

Sawyer shows up at the well where Sad Day Monster is collecting rope (not a euphemism).  Ben sneaks up behind him and pulls a gun on him.  I am a little surprised he didn’t just start shooting.  He didn’t hesitate to pop a couple in Whitmore last week.  Sad Day Monster says that Sawyer and Jacob’s other candidates are going down with the island.  Right on cue Sawyer drops a solid elbow to Ben’s face.  Boom.  Sawyer takes off running.  Ben says “Aren’t you going to go after him?”  Sad Day Monster says “No.  You deserved that elbow to the face.”  Linus is then upset to find out he was double crossed by an evil entity.  Also, he carries a man purse.

Elsewhere, there’s a dog where Desmond wakes up.  And an interracial couple.  So far out of the 300 characters and extras on LOST, I have noticed two black people.  Regardless, this older couple has stuff figured out.  They got a dog and set up some shanties.  Now we’re cookin’ with gas.  Um, also, they built their houses in ’75.  Then there was a flash of light and now they don’t know when they are.

….

Ok.

….

Anyway, they just want to be left alone and not get involved in things (again, these people are smart).  Sad Day Monster and Linus show up though and ruin the party.  He threatens to kill them if Dez doesn’t go with them.  And he’ll make it painful.  Desmond is a nice person and agrees even though these people are pretty long in the tooth and probably don’t have a ton of time left anyway.

Desmond says he is going somewhere with a bright light.  This messes with Sad Day Monster’s head and he gets all sensitive.  Linus’s pocket starts talking and Sad Day Monster gets all flustered.  Linus says it’s nothing.  On the other end Miles has found Ricardo.  Awesome.  Tell you what guys, you stay there, I’m gonna come meet you because you’re the only cool people on this island.

Meanwhile, Sawyer storms out of the jungle and startles Hurley.  He then calls him big foot and tells him to calm down.  Jeeze, Sawyer.  He tells everyone that Dez wasn’t there but they’re looking for him.  Jack says it doesn’t matter who finds him first they’re all heading to the same place.  Then what?  It ends.  Quick note, it didn’t actually end when they got there.  In fact, far from it.

woosh woosh woosh

Miles sees Sayid riding shotty in Hurley’s Hummer.  He starts flipping out and calls Sawyer, who’s wearing glasses that make him look like a huge nerd.  They also make him act nerdier because he agrees to make sure Sun is ok rather than telling Miles to chillax (if someone says this word you know they are cool).  The van never showed up to county.  So where’s the cop that took the bribe?

Sun and Jin are at the hospital.  Jin: “How do you feel?”  Sun: “A little sore.” Jin: “That’s what happens when you get shot.”  Sun: “Thanks, jerk.”

You just go and pick the one you want.

The lady doctor comes in to check on the baby.  They lift up her shirt to rub some jelly on her belly and we see that she got shot in the lung.  So why worry about the baby?  I don’t think Sun knows where babies grow (baby tree).  Whilst getting some goo tummy, Jin and Sun start having flashbacks to the island.  It’s really nice… until they die.  What an awful way to find out your fate and what an awful fate to find out.  Bummer.  Also, there was a scene where an oil tanker blew up with Jin on it while Sun flew away in a chopo-copter.

Part of the flashback involved Rosetta Stone software so they emerge able to speak English.  The doctor says the baby is perfectly perfect in every way.  Which is a medical term.  Jin and Sun are excited to predict/announce the baby will be a girl and they plan to name her Jihad (not my first choice, but to each his own).

Before surgery, Jack finds Locke to have chat.  Despite baldness, Locke is wearing a hairnet.  Jack asks if he is nervous (he should be).  Jack says he is very confident it will work (time to freak out, Locke).   Locke tries to calm down by changing the subject and asking if Jack’s dad was found.  He says he was and he should be arriving soon.  You got it delivered to work?  After hoping Jack can get some peace, Jack says “if I can fix you, it’s all the peace I need.”  I find that a little insulting.

woosh woosh woosh

Miles and Ricardo are riding in a canoe, heading to the other little island.  Miles notices Ricardo has a gray hair.  It makes Ricardo want to live.  That’s all it took?  While rowing, they seem some corpses and then see Salty Pilot clinging to a flotation device.  I guess he’s survived out here for days.  To be clear DAYS.  Make an effort to get to shore, Lazy Pilot.  He points out that he’s a pilot and can fly them off the island.  How could anyone forget, he’s wearing his uniform all the time.

While walking through the jungle, the good guys and bad guys run into each other.  Kate goes Rambo right down to the ridiculous method of holding a gun at her hip.  She starts shooting at Locke who looks bored.  Linus and Desmond are terrified because she is spraying bullets everywhere.  Sad Day Monster finds out that Jack took over Jacob’s job on the island.  “You’re the obvious choice.” “He didn’t choose me, I volunteered.”  While technically correct, I believe Jacob was laying game on you pretty hard.  He might have even said that he was happy you volunteered, so let’s not get too cavalier about this, Jack.

Jack calls out Sad Day Monster and says that he thinks he’s going to destroy the island, but he’s not.  Instead, Jack is going to kill him.  Sad Day Monster is a good sport and agrees to go anyway.  Or he has hung out with Jack enough to know that if Jack is betting against him, he has pretty good odds.

woosh woosh woosh

At the hospital, Jack and blonde doctor do a nice little rendition of the “doctor, doctor” bit from Spies Like Us.  Jack’s son shows up and calls her mom for some reason.  Oh.  Jack and the Ex have a little awkward back and forth about Claire and Ex shares my suspicions that there is some hanky panky going on behind the scenes.  The son looks pumped that they’re getting along.  This could quickly shift into an ABC Family original movie where he spends his time at summer camp trying to get them back together (another spinoff idea).

Sawyer shows up to the neurology wing of the hospital to find Sun.  Guess he didn’t want to use the main reception.

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The talk in the Team Protagonist circle is that Dez has special talents and can be used a weapon.  They hit a point where Sad Day Monster says it is just him, Desmond, and Jack from here on out.  Sawyer gets stuck with the losers.

Three minutes later they come across the light in the tunnel.  Ya know, the light that Sad Day Monster has spent a century trying to find in a finite area but has had no luck until right now?  Yeah, that light.  Although it’s not as bright as it used to be.

Desmond is going in to do some stuff.  He tells Jack it will send them to be with the people they love and not worry about the island.  Can I go?  Desmond enters the tunnel and it looks like they are growing marijuana on the wall.  Which explains a lot.  He approaches a waterfall that makes the Pirate’s of the Caribbean ride at Disney World look like Avatar.

woosh woosh woosh

"Don't worry, honey. He'll get bored eventually."

Hurley and Sayid are sitting in the Hummer at night.  Keep those windows rolled down, Sayid.  Trust me.  Sayid wants to know what’s going on.  Hurley says he can’t tell him.  If I was Sayid, I’d be getting a little nervous.  Hurley starts pep talking Sayid.  Sayid says “you don’t know anything about me.”  “Yes I do, dude.  I follow you on Twitter.”  Then Hurley starts giving him life advice and getting awkwardly close to him.  Just before Hurley decides to lean in for a kiss, a fight breaks out in the back alley.  A broad comes out and gets pushed down.  That’s when Sayid goes nuts and roughs that guy up.  He goes to help up Blonde Girl.  They start having The Flashbacks.  Apparently they were in high school together because they’re making out at a bonfire.

Hurley goes through his usual Friday night routine and stays in the shadows and watching people make out. People are putting way too much stock in these flashbacks.  Who knows who this dude is.  Another dude, who looks like Handsome Clark Kent, approaches the vehicle.  Guess he took a whoopin’ to help get them to make out.  Bad deal.

woosh woosh woosh

Ricardo, Sea Pilot, and Miles (Team Awesome) gets to the beach and is letting Team Protagonist (Kate, Hurley, Linus, Sawyer) know that they are on the beach through the walkie talkies.  Linus looks nerdy even while talking on walkie talkie.  Claire turns the corner with a gun. “Claire!” says Miles.  Kate, into walkie talkie “Did you say Claire?”  Yes, but how did you hear him say that since he wasn’t pushing down the button to talk?  Claire starts firing shots.

Ricardo begins sweet talking Claire to get her to drop the weapon.  Ricardo is smoooooove.  Claire finally puts down the gun and says she doesn’t want to go and walks away.  Nobody argues.  I don’t blame them.

Back at the dimming tunnel, Dez is a good sport and says “no prob” to going where the light is the brightest.  While lowering him down, Sad Day Monster tries to relive some of the glory days they spent together.  Jack gets catty and tells Sad Day Monster that he disrespects Locke’s memory by wearing his face.  Ouch.  Sad Day Monster, never one to back down from a tift, tells Jack that Locke was dumb and when the island sinks to the bottom of the ocean, he’ll see he was right.  Jack says “We’ll just have to see who was right.”  Sigh.  You never learn, do you, Jack?

Commercial break. Thought I would change things up from the wooshes.

Cuz they're delicious.

In line to get into the concert, we learn that Claire is the shortest person ever.  Other stuff might have happened, but I was distracted by how tiny she was and that she wasn’t in heels or shot from a different angle to make her look taller.

Backstage, CDH gets woken up from his nap.  Someone left a sign that said to wake him up because he’s in the bad.  Airtight security at this joint.  After being woken up, he tells someone he was shot by a fat man.  Not a man with long curly hair and weird sideburns.  A fat man. (shaking head sadly for Hurley)

Dan Whitmore comes backstage and thankfully introduces himself to Charlotte (who reciprocates her name) which is a huge convenience to me since I recognize them but don’t remember their names.  Dan is playing with the band tonight.  Is this the girl Sawyer tried to seduce with a sixer a while back?  How many people were in this cast?  This show ending seems like the Hollywood equivalent of the Ford factory in Flint shutting down.  Ya know, except it won’t destroy and entire city.

Kate and Claire sit at the same table and have the same uncomfortable hello as though someone didn’t call the next day.  The tension is cut when the band is introduced.

The sign in front of the stage says “Drive Shaft”.  That’s really embarassing for whomever created the sign since we all know the band’s name is “Dry Shaft”.  For being so against playing this show, Condom Drug Hobbit goes onstage without much incident.  The guy who plays Dan Whitmore needs to learn how to fake playing the piano.

During the show, CDH starts giving Claire “The Stare”.  “The Stare” is so powerful it induces labor in ladies.  Even those who aren’t pregnant.  Thankfully in this case, she is.  So Claire goes to the bathroom to have her baby prom-style.

woosh woosh woosh

Dez is at the bottom of the waterfall.  There’s a lot of skeletons down there.  He finally gets to a natural Mountain Dew hotspring.  Delicious.  As he puts his feet in, it hurts more and more.  Kinda like when you try to get into a hot tub when you have sunburn on your legs and it really hurts at first but you fight through it and finally make it into the tub (oh, the plight of the Irish).

He gets to the center and… uncorks a bottle of evil wine.  Oh.  So it wasn’t a metaphor earlier.  There is literally a cork keeping the evil from escaping.

Lotsa notches in that belt.

A bunch of evil steam escapes and Sad Day Monster says “It looks like you were wrong” to Jack.  He sure was.  Way wrong.

Jack is a sore loser so as Sad Day Monster goes to take his victory lap, Jack tackles him from behind. Sad Day Monster gets a bloody lip and IT’S ON!  Sad Day Monster cracks Jack in the side of the head with a rock.  It’s back off.

Claire ignores the “crew members only” sign and goes backstage where there is a confused roadie.  She asks him for help.  He says sure and takes off running.  He isn’t coming back, Claire.

We cut back to the concert which is terrible.  How did Gothic CDH get into this awful muzak band?

Mrs. Whitmore sits down with Dez at Table 23 (get it!? That was Jack’s number in the cave!).  She’s the Sad Day Monster of Snoozeville and isn’t real happy with Dez for getting all these people together.  She asks if Dez will be taking her son, Dez sayz not with him.  Good call.  You don’t want that guy playing sub-par music wherever you go.

Backstage, Claire is makin’ babies.  No sign of the roadie who left a while ago.  Charlie comes backstage because he’s never one to miss a good childbirth.  They send him off to go get some blankets and water.  Preferably a hose because this baby is gonna need a good rinse when it comes out.

Kate puts her hair up so it doesn’t get baby goo on it and it’s go time.  as a courtesy she puts a denim jacket over Claire’s lap so nobody gets a free peak at her lady business.

While delivering the baby, Kate and Claire start having flashbacks.  Luckily she didn’t drop the baby while distracted.  Kate hands a fresh baby over to Claire after the shortest stretch of labor ever recorded.  Nobody bothers wiping the poor kid off.  CDH comes back with some blankets but says he couldn’t find water.  Sorry, CDH, not buying it.  If there is one thing that is always in full supply backstage anywhere, it’s water.

Claire has become a flashback junkie and asks CDH to hold her hand.  He does.  They have nice flashbacks about their happy life together.  When they cut back, they start making out and the baby looks super bored with the whole thing.  Hey wait.  Kate and Claire interacted tons before. Why did the flashbacks just start happening now? Hello…?

woosh woosh woosh

Back on the island, they simulate and earthquake by shaking the camera and having everyone wobble.  Hurley is terrible at it.  A tree falls on Linus as he tries to push Hurley out of the way.  I don’t think Linus is strong enough to push Hurley anywhere.  Elsewhere, Jack wakes up all spazzy and can’t find Dez.  Linus is comfortably resting under a tree. I would think his innards would be pretty smashed up.

While trying to figure out how to get Linus out from under his lounge tree, Miles calls on the ol’ walkie talkie.  Their welding the plane together and have about an hour before they need to leave.  Kate doesn’t know how they’re going to get there.  Linus, feeling no pain from being crushed by a tree, says they can take Sad Day Monster’s boat. Why are there earthquakes on the other island?  It’s not going anywhere.  Or did someone pull the cork in it’s light tunnel too?

Cut to Sad Day Monster looking out at the boat from a cliff.  Jack finds him.  Yells at him.  They’re going to fight.  It’s gonna be awesome. Sad Day Monster pulls a knife. Jack counters with a running jump punch.  Which will get you stabbed 90% of the time.  They fight a bit on the rocks.  Locke throws his backpack away.  What is it with everyone on this show and their backpacks?

Jack gets stabbed.  Instead of going for the immediate kill.  Sad Day Monster gets jack laying on his back and puts the knife to his throat.  He says “Just so you know, Jack, you died for nothing.  Just like Stonewall Jackson.”  Just then, he gets shot by Kate who says “I saved you a bullet.”  The Terminator, she is not.  With a little help from a kick by Jack, Sad Day Monster does his imitation of Homer Simpson trying to jump the Springfield Gorge.

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Jack is coming out of his surgery on Locke and a nurse points out his neck is bleeding.  He says “damnit!” instead of actually trying to discover why his neck spontaneously bleeds.  My money’s on scurvy.  Before he can hit the showers, the nurse says Locke is waking up.  Jack says he’ll take it from here.

After Locke wakes up, Jack tells him not to try not to move.  He’s a paraplegic Jack.  He shouldn’t have to try too hard.  Locke says the surgery worked because he can feel his legs.  Jack says that he can’t.  Locke adds another notch to the Jack is Wrong Belt by wiggling his toes.  They touch and have a flashback montage.  Locke asks Jack if he saw that.  Jack denies it for reasons unknown.  As he leaves, Locke tells Jack he doesn’t have a son.  That’s not very nice.  Then he says “I hope someone does for you what you just did for me.”  Complex spinal surgery?

Back on the island, it has stopped raining.  Hey, how come when Sad Day Monster became human again he didn’t revert back to the original body he had?  Ya know, when he was a people.  Hurley, Sawyer, and Linus show up.  Wait.  How did Linus get out from under the tree without Kate to help?  Nuts to this, let’s go back to Snoozeville.

woosh woosh woosh

Sawyer gets to Jin and Sun’s room as they’re leaving.  Jin is nothing but weird smiles as Sun explains they don’t need protection and they are safe.  As they leave they say to Sawyer “See you there.”  “Where?” “The cast party.”

On the island, Salty Pilot is trying to get things working.  The plane won’t start so he turns to Ricardo and Miles and asks “Are either of you mechanical?”  “You mean like a robot?”  Pilot stopped listening and just sent Miles under the plane with a roll of duct tape.

High fiving Robo-Miles just isn't the same.

Jack tells the group that whatever Dez did he needs to undo.  He wants to send the rest of them on their way.  He asks Sawyer if he can get the boat to Hydra island.  Since Sawyer has a backpack he’s operating at 100% confidence and says absolutely.  Linus says he is going down with the island.  I’m relieved to know I will never meet him.  Hurley would rather die on the island than try to scale a cliff.

Kate gets all girl on Jack and asks him if she’ll ever see him again.  He doesn’t want to deal with it so he kisses her.  Way to keep her in check, Jack.  After pulling back, Kate says she loves him.  Jack doesn’t love her back so he hesitates and realizes the lesser of two evils is to just say “I love you too.”  Jack’s giving out some free lady advice, fellas.

Jack, Hurley, and Linus form the worst threesome in history and go off into the jungle.

Back at the plane, Miles and Ricardo are doing an ad for duct tape.  Sawyer tries to radio Pilot who is being difficult to work with and he chucks his walkie talkie across the plane.  Which seems like overkill.

Sawyer and Kate realize they have to jump off the cliff to get to the boat.  Kate does the right thing and doesn’t think about it and jumps.  Sawyer decides the best idea is to jump head first.  That is a bad idea for a lot of reasons.  Somehow it works out.

woosh woosh woosh

Sawyer passes Jack in the hallway and asks where he can get some grub.  Jack directs him to the vending machines.  Why didn’t Sawyer go to a restaurant?  He doesn’t need to protect Sun.  He should do something other than loiter at a hospital.  Sawyer’s candy bar gets stuck in the machine.  Bummer.  I expect Sawyer to start shooting the machine.

Lady Doctor (who I found out is Juliette) comes in and makes some chit chat.  She says if you unplug the machine and plug it back in, the candy drops.  I’m skeptical because that doesn’t make sense.  Sawyer goes to try it and unplugs the generator that supplies the hospital with electricity.  That makes the candy bar fall (wait, he didn’t plug it back in) and they touch hands.  They have flashbacks.  They come back and Juliette asks him if he wants to get coffee. “I’d love to get coffee but that machine ate my dollar and I only have one left.”  That’s why Sawyer is awesome.  As is protocol to this point, they make out because they touched hands.  They have no plans to restore power to the hospital.

Jack gets to the concert just as it ends.  His son, ex-wife, and Claire all neglected to call him to tell him where they were going.  Kate’s there though.  She feels left out of the make out sessions.  She comes up and touches Jack.  Based on his face, Jack has some issues.  Why is Jack the only one who doesn’t just roll with these flashbacks?

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Based on the rocks falling, I think they might be at Islands of Adventure in Orlando.  Hurley throws a temper tantrum when Jack says he is going in alone and probably not coming back out.  If Hurley’s going to act like a child, then Jack will treat him like one and says Hurley will take over protecting the island (that way Hurley feels useful).  Hurley starts bargaining and pouting.  Seriously, is he 10 years old?  Jack becomes the William Henry Harrison of island protectors and they make plans to transfer over the powers.  They go and put mud water into a disposable water bottle.  We’ve really gone downhill on the quality of drink in these transfers.  Jack doesn’t bless the water so this is clearly fake. After Hurley takes a drink.  Jack says “Now you’re like me.  Handsome and incompetent.”

On the other island, the plane starts.  Hooray!

Jack gets lowered into the cave.  Hurley drops him.  Jack finds Dez and helps him up.  Dez thought he would leave if he uncorked the evil wine.  “You were right, Jack.” “There’s a first time for everything.”  Yep.  Jack is determined to be a martyr so he puts Dez in the sling and goes to put the cork back in.

Pilot is backing up the plane.  Which I didn’t think was possible, hence all those little carts that push planes back at the airport.  Kate and Sawyer rally Claire and are trying to tell Pilot to wait for them.  Pilot’s lack of courtesy resulted in the walkie talkie being somewhere he can’t hear them.

There’s a shot of the plane as the ground breaks up.  I think they reused footage from the Langoliers.  As they’re about to take off, Sawyer emerges from the bushes.  Sea Pilot says “What the hell?”  They’re just people, buddy, no need to worry.

Jack muscles up and gets the cork back in the wine.  But we all know it won’t taste the same now.  Nothing happens.  Poor Jack.  At some point he needs to be right about something.

Everyone gets on the plane and everyone takes an aisle seat except Claire.  Maybe they wanted more leg room?  The ground breaks up underneath the plane as it takes off and immediately makes a sharp turn.  I’d probably give it a minute to get settled, but far be it from me to tell Salty Pilot his business.

See. We celebrate his victories here too. Why does that guy look like the balloons?

Water starts trickling in.  Turns out Jack was right about this!  (party) After a little click the island fires up again.  So what is this light that keeps it running?  Hurley and Linus pull Desmond up.  Not sure why they didn’t do that earlier.  They would have had time to throw the rope back down for Jack.  Jack, celebrating his first victory in a while, lays happily.

For the final stretch, we’ll take things one at a time starting with the island.

Hurley is all sad because Jack disappeared.  Linus says Desmond will be ok.  They really should have tried to get a woman to stick around.  Now it’s just three dudes alone on an island.  Hurley has a freak out.  Linus starts quoting inspirational poems and tells him to do what he does best and help people.  That’s what Hurley does best?

Jack wakes up spooning a rock (not the first time!).  He’s a little uncomfortable.  He stumbles around the island, past a shoe in a tree.  He collapses.  A dog comes up and just sits next to him after licking up some of his blood (I wouldn’t advise that, dog).  As he is laying there all happy, he sees the plane fly overheard.  Frowny face.

The series really wraps up in Snoozeville.  Who knew this show about the island was actually about LA and took 6 seasons to set up a 10 minute sequence.  Here is what happened…

Locke takes a cab to the top of a mountain in Rio.  I am assuming that because the Christ the Redeemer statue is there.  He sees Ben outside who apologizes for what he did to him.  Throwing salt on his game while they were teaching together at the high school?  He says he did it because he was jealous and wanted everything he had (like a cool wheelchair).  When asked if he was coming inside, Ben says he has some stuff to work out.  Like whether or not it is ok to make a pass at a high school girl after making out with her mom.  Locke gets up and walks into the church.  In your face, God’s plan!

Hurley pops out and Ben is awkwardly excited to see him.  Ben still refuses to go inside.  Hurley tells him he is a real good number 2.  Um, did he just call him a piece of [blank]?  Ben doesn’t have a good comeback so he calls him a pretty good number 1.

Kate and Jack arrive.  Jack says this is where they were going to have his dad’s funeral.  Kate ruins the surprise funeral by saying they are going to have his dad’s funeral and then they’re all going to leave.

Jack goes into a room that has a stained glass window with every religious symbol and paces around the coffin.  I’m expecting someone to jump out and yell “surprise” at any second.  When he touches the coffin, there’s a Jack montage that doesn’t make any sense.  He opens the coffin and the body isn’t there.  Uh oh, looks like the necros got there first.

Jack’s dad is there.  Jack says “what are you doing here?”  His dad says “What are YOU doing here?”  Good comeback.  This is all Jack needs to realize he’s dead.  Bummer.

This is the point when the entire series gets explained to us.  Take it away, Jack’s dad…

“Thanks, John.  Ahem.  Everything that has happened is real.  Everyone out there is dead.  You didn’t all die at the same time, but I’m sure you knew that because Juliette blew up a long time ago.  Episode 1, in fact.  There is no ‘now’ here.  Although, it took you a while to get here.  It’s a place you all made together so you could find one another.  You probably could have done better than just imagining LA, but that is just an indictment against the lack of imaginations in you all.  The most important time of your life was the time you spent with these people.  You need them (to cover your bad choices), and they need you (to feel smarter after listening to your problem solving ideas).  You needed each other to remember and to let go.  We’re all moving on.  Let’s go find out where.”

My money is on heck.  Thanks, Jack’s dad.  You made my life a lot easier.

So they go out.  Everybody hugs.  Miles and Ricardo are nowhere in sight.  My guess is that they had much cooler times than the time they spent on the island.  They’re at some church across town with cool people.  I slip out the back so I don’t get stuck in a conversation with Hurley.

Once I’m outside a bunch of light enters into the overly-denominational church.

Jack closes his eye.  Show’s over.

Thoughts I Have

• How does this work?  People don’t die until they move on?  I’m unclear on how Mrs. Whitmore knows what’s going on and wants to prevent it.
• So what happened to everyone who died in Snoozeville?  Like Toothy Mobster?
• Those numbers next to everyone’s name in the cave didn’t mean anything apparently.
• I stand by my 5/15 Theory (catchy, huh?) that you can watch the first five and last fifteen minutes of each episodes and know everything you need from the episode.  Expanding out for the extended episode, you would have watched the first 13 minutes and last 37.  Theory works again.
• My above theory was also confirmed for me by Radio Askew with whom I did a podcast over the weekend (www.radioaskew.com).  Someone put my theory to the test and got all caught up before the finale.  Science wins again.
• My assumption is no one ever threatened the island again and they just went on about their business for eternity.
• For the record, I was able to follow this season fine.  I enjoyed the finale.  A lot of stuff went unanswered from the season (and likely the series), but after watching only one season I feel like I caught the most important stuff.

The final season of LOST as drawn to look like the Sistine Chapel ceiling by someone who has never seen LOST.