The Stork is claiming joint custody.

As mentioned in the spoiler alert, all this is answering some questions people have asked either through Twitter or the comments.

Oh, and the video from the live reading.  Which was fun and super awesome.

And some merchandise.  Which is super lame to only have created now, but so it goes.

There’s also links to other stuff that has been going on.

I’m gonna level with you.  I need to take up space in this section for that picture to show up properly.  Thanks for your patience.

That was fun.  Let’s put this baby to bed.

Media

A bunch of stuff if you don’t feel like reading this but want to buy/see/read/listen to junk.

Never Seen Lost Merchandise
Yes, this would have been neat to have available already.  But better late than never.  I highly recommend the Sad Day Monster at work coffee mug.  If you have merch requests, just let me know and I will add them.

www.printfection.com/neverseenlost

The Live Reading
I read this as a newscaster for some reason.  Don’t take my inflections as the way this is intended to be read.  Big ups to Eric Bee for filming and editing.  He is one of the aforementioned coworkers who loves LOST.  Also, thanks to everyone who came out.  It was a lot of fun.  I got to meet new friendly people.

http://vimeo.com/12416696

Podcasts
Radio Askew interview: www.radioaskew.com
TV Zombies: www.televisionzombies.com episode 122

Special Guest Writing
815 Sentences about Lost: http://815sentencesaboutlost.com/post/439341099/the-day-the-final-season-of-lost-was-supposed-to Best place to quickly read the origin story of the blog.  Spoiler: It was not created in a lab when adamantium was grafted to it’s skeleton.
Super Duper Stream: 4 questions about the LOST Finale.  Good place to get final thoughts www.superduperstream.blogspot.com

Awesome Picture
Adam sent this to me after reading the spinoff ideas.  As you can see, we’re halfway to selling this to ABC.

Kudos to Adam for having the only non-hand drawn image on this entire blog

Some FAQs (that means Frequently Asked Questions)

What better way to start answering a few questions than a few from @wolfslice that he sent me several weeks ago.  I thought they were good questions.

once lost is over and your blog fades into obscurity, I would like to see an author Q&A.
Good. Here it is.  Also, to fading into obscurity regardless of how true it is.

What IS your favorite television program?
I really like South Park.  Futurama is hands down the most underrated TV show in history (note: underrated does not equal best).  I loved the Simpsons growing up.  I think you’re noticing a theme.

I’ve been meaning to watch the Wire.  Six Feet Under is the only drama that I can think of that I put out a lot of effort to watch new episodes as they came out.

Will you ever watch the older lost seasons?
Yes, I will watch older seasons.  I really hadn’t planned to but then all the flashback clips in the finale looked interesting and then I watched this video on College Humor and it made LOST look like a really good show.

Can you switch off your soul crushing sarcasm enough to enjoy any modern entertainment?
Yes.  But if I can’t (which happens far more often) it doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy watching something and can’t appreciate it for what it is or what it is intended to be.

and finally, it could be funny to read what you think the other seasons might have been like (plot points etc).
Full disclosure, I had watched the above video about unanswered questions and since watching the finale had found out that they left and came back.  This is pretty similar to my answer when first asked a while ago though.
Season 1: They crash. It’s about being stranded and making friends. They most likely start pairing up into boyfriend/girlfriend couples a la Saved by the Bell.
Season 2: Crazy stuff is going on on the island.  They’re all like “whaaaaaaa?”
Season 3: Crazy stuff reaches a peak and they all think “we need to get out of here” because they are in danger from the Sad Day Monster and other crashed people. Ends with them leaving the island.
Season 4: They’re off the island.  They feel weird without the island in their lives.  They probably realized that they left a remote tropical island full of supplies to go back to working full time jobs and it was a poor choice.
Season 5: They go back to the island to set up the final conflict.  We opened the last season with Team Jacob and Team Jack, this was when they were formed. Also, they decided to set off a nuke.
Season 6: The end.

enjoy the blog. Bye
See ya.  Thanks for the questions.

Here are some general questions that a bunch of people asked either in comments or Twitter.

Are you going to watch the series backwards and write about it?
Not planning on it.  Unless I miss writing a blog about LOST.  Which is possible.  It’s a really good idea.  I am not watching backwards though because the show actually looks pretty good from what I have seen in clips and flashbacks.  If it ever goes into syndication (the main way I watch TV) then who knows what order I will see episodes in.

Are you a gay man or a straight woman?
Neither.  Straight dude.  And I love sports.

What did you think of the final season/finale?
I was surprised how accessible it was.  I might not have gotten the same effect as people who had seen it all on some of the details, but overall I could tell what was happening.

As for the show itself, I thought the acting was incredible.  The cast was really impressive.  I was fine with the ending.  But I also tend to like more open ended things.  My opinion changed slightly on it after watching that video above (I promise I don’t work for College Humor and had nothing to do with the making of that video) once I realized that just saying “Everything on the island really happened” isn’t enough for the people who have done nothing but wonder what the island was for the last six years.

It’s their show though.  They can do whatever they want with it.  Better than anything I’ve put on TV.

Have you been reading the comments?
Nope.  My lovely fiance screened my emails and the comments for me.  I knew basically what people were talking about (wondering if I was a dude) but I managed to avoid the spoilers.  At one point (Episode 8 ) I thought I would peak down and see if I could read them.  First comment was about how Kate and Sawyer built a runway.  Sigh.

This is totally fake.  You’ve definitely seen every episode.  You’re probably a key grip on the set.
Nope.  I’m not lying.  I’ve never seen an episode of LOST before this season.  Happy to take a lie detector test.  Although that seems like a waste of important tax dollars.

I got the Fight Club reference from a few posts ago.  Where’s my gold star?
Here you go.  Sorry it took so long.

Just click it then print it and everyone will know how awesome you are.

Why can’t you spell/recognize names?
It’s all about what I write down/hear while I watch.  Having gone back and reading some of the comments, I think people got a little too upset over the Whitmore/Widmore mix up.  They sound the same to me.   Some I didn’t put much effort into finding out.  For example, I enjoyed calling him Toga.  I could never tell what his real name was and Toga seemed to work just fine. I never read any sort of write up so all I had to go on was what I heard.  Sometimes I was right, sometimes I was wrong.

The spouse stable has a hay loft above it. I'm not sure why, though.

Will you marry me?
Yes.  But only in the context of this blog.  And I’m a polygamist.  And there might be some dudes in my stable of spouses.  I’m accepting all marriage proposals.

Why do you hate Jack?
I don’t hate Jack.  The point (or goal) was to take the show for face value based on the final season.  Which is exactly how the show is not intended to be taken.  Jack makes a lot of bad choices.  I think it came across as anger or hate more so because I couldn’t believe everyone kept listening to him.  Clearly they just need to roll with Miles and Ricardo.

Now what?
As of right now, I’ll probably write something similar next fall when TV shows are back.  Lead candidates are Smallville and Desperate Housewives.  We’ll see.  You can follow me on Twitter (@jdurbin) or email me (neverseenlost[at]yahoo[dot]com) and I will keep you posted.  Feel free to contact me if you have any unanswered questions or have a merch request.

I’ve enjoyed reading this!  You made me LOL!
I love making people LOL.  I’m glad that you enjoyed it.  I started writing this for a handful of friends, but having other people like it (especially people who loved the show and I didn’t know) just made it more fun to write.  I’m glad you came by and had some fun with me.

You should do a montage of every character’s death!
I can’t think of a better way to end this.

And now, a drawing of every character’s death or how I assume they died if we never saw it.  I’ll let you have the fun of guessing each one.  I’ll put a guide in the comments in a couple days.

And for those who want a longer look, here’s all the pictures that went into the making of this film.

Thanks for reading! It's been fun.

That was fun, huh?  We got all of our questions answered all in this one episode.  Well, almost all of them.  Ok, the majority of them.  Some of them?  Cool.

Filing this away with the other 30 billion pages about LOST

I did not watch the series recap clip show.  I did DVR it though so I can watch it and get all caught up in two hours.  I enjoyed the finale.  The little flashback things to previous seasons made me want to watch them.   But it also made it seem like a completely different show from what this last season was.

I’ll be back the next time a series is going into the finale.  Send me an e-mail at neverseenlost [at] yahoo.com if you want to get a notification of whenever that is.  Or for the 1,000th time you can follow me on the Twitter (@jdurbin).

As a friend pointed out, this might be the first blog with a definitive end.  Good to be a part of history.  I will be back (hopefully Thursday) with a wrap up entry where I answer some questions and will read the comments for the first time since week 1.  I can’t even imagine what’s been going on down there.

For the live reading: Looks like The Shady Lady at 712 N. Clark St. on Thursday.  Reading will go from 6-7 so be sure to be there a little early.  Please also RSVP to fanclub[at]denuology.com if you have not already.  That way if plans change last second we can notify you.  Worst case scenario, I will be there hanging out and I can just read to you from the newspaper or draw you a picture.

And finally…

Overall What is Happening

Jack’s dead.  That’s it.

OK, not really.  Well, yes.  Jack is really dead.  But there’s more to it than that.  So much more.

Everything on the island actually happened.  This includes: a person being floated into a cave and turning into Sad Day Monster, a life-restoring hot tub, a dude who can live forever and hands done island protecting responsibilities, people who can talk to the dead, and a cork that keeps the island from sinking because of the evil underneath it.  We don’t know what that evil is and why it matters that the island doesn’t sink.  But it does.

After Jack died, Hurley, Ben, and Desmond were left on the island.  Hurley is protecting it.  Yikes.  We have no idea how long he protected it or how smoothly things went, we just know that Linus was his sidekick and Desmond is going to be pretty miserable for a while. Kate, Sawyer, Pilot, Miles, Ricardo, and Claire all made it off the island.  Good for them.

Everything in Snoozeville, however, was a group imagination projection by a bunch of dead people.  It’s also what LOST has really been about all this time.  They’re all boring so the island was when their lives peaked.  Because they all had the same good times, they all need to be together to get out of Snoozeville.  Once they all get into the same room, they get to go to the afterlife (huge gamble on where they end up going).  If you hold hands with someone, you get to make love to them.  Take that, match.com!

The other possibility is that none of this is real and is part of the imagination of a junky who is having a bad trip.  Unfortunately, to squeeze some more ads in, they cut out the last 5 minutes where we find that out.

More Detailed Episode Recap

Get excited, the woosh woosh woosh transition is back!  But selectively.

Previously… On Lost… A whole lotta stuff happened.  This seemed unnecessary considering it’s the season finale and there was a 2 hour clip show of previous seasons. Oh well.  Episode go now!

Nice, slow pretty montage showing the characters double lives.  Jack’s dad’s coffin arrives in LA.  Which is an incredible coincidence that Desmond pranked him to say it was arriving and it actually was and the airline didn’t call Jack to inform him.  Jack is looking at a head X-ray, trying to figure out what’s wrong with this guy’s knee.  Linus is drinking some coffee, wondering which member of Alex’s family he should make a run at.  Locke is being wheeled on a gurney about to have surgery on his spine by someone who probably shouldn’t even be allowed to give a tetanus shot.  He and Ben are on the island getting ready to fight.  Sawyer walks by a mirror he punched earlier and says “there’s more where that came from, mirror.”  On the island he pretends to look at Kate’s wound so he can look down her shirt.

Over at a building, a delivery van shows up with Jack’s dad.  Kate waits in the car so she doesn’t mess anything up.  Some guy who looks like a roadie for Wide Spread Panic is driving the delivery truck for a day job.  Dez approaches him and the guy asks if he works here.  Yep, says Desmond.  “Are you a priest or something?”  I don’t think this truck driver has ever seen a priest.  Desmond just signs the form and the body is his. Hopefully no necrophiliacs are watching this to learn how easy it is to get a body.  Back in the car, Kate is really insensitive and makes fun on Jack’s dad’s name (Christian Shephard).  I don’t get the joke.  Dez wants to leave and says he needs Kate’s help and he will show her where he wants to go.

On the island, Kate sneaks up on Jack who is standing in the river without rolling up his jeans.  Then they have some boring conversation around how he feels.  The key point here is that Sawyer runs off to get Desmond while the rest head for the light tunnel.  On his way out, he squeezes in a little flirt with Kate.  Nice.

woosh woosh woosh

Hurley’s job is to not run over a blind man walking a dog.  He succeeds.  He then hands Sayid a tranqualizer gun so he can go finish his job.  Sayid says “thanks but no thanks” because he only believes in murdering people, not tranquin’ ‘em.  Hurley decides to take matters into his own inflated hands.  He takes the gun and slides out of the Hummer.  When he knocks on the door at the seedy hotel, Condom Drug Hobbit (CDH) answers the door.  He’s all messed up on booze and drugs.

Angry that Hurley has bothered him, he holds up the “Do Not Disturb” sign indignantly.  If you didn’t want to get disturbed, you shouldn’t have answered the door, chief.  Hurley, disgusted by CDH’s destructive life choices, shoots him in the spine with a tranqualizer gun.  Eesh.  Hey Hurley, let’s not paralyze this guy.  We do eventually need him to walk again.  Hurley then carries him out to his Hummer in broad daylight and nobody does anything to stop him.  To be fair though, if I saw Hurley carrying CDH over his shoulder passed out, I would just assume the tranny owed the big guy money.

woosh woosh woosh

Kate and Jack have a little heart to heart about why Jack chose to protect the island.  Hurley ruins the moment one last time.  Wouldn’t be the same without you, Hurley.  While talking, Jack says he ruined everything.  I commend you for admitting it, Jack.

Sawyer shows up at the well where Sad Day Monster is collecting rope (not a euphemism).  Ben sneaks up behind him and pulls a gun on him.  I am a little surprised he didn’t just start shooting.  He didn’t hesitate to pop a couple in Whitmore last week.  Sad Day Monster says that Sawyer and Jacob’s other candidates are going down with the island.  Right on cue Sawyer drops a solid elbow to Ben’s face.  Boom.  Sawyer takes off running.  Ben says “Aren’t you going to go after him?”  Sad Day Monster says “No.  You deserved that elbow to the face.”  Linus is then upset to find out he was double crossed by an evil entity.  Also, he carries a man purse.

Elsewhere, there’s a dog where Desmond wakes up.  And an interracial couple.  So far out of the 300 characters and extras on LOST, I have noticed two black people.  Regardless, this older couple has stuff figured out.  They got a dog and set up some shanties.  Now we’re cookin’ with gas.  Um, also, they built their houses in ’75.  Then there was a flash of light and now they don’t know when they are.

….

Ok.

….

Anyway, they just want to be left alone and not get involved in things (again, these people are smart).  Sad Day Monster and Linus show up though and ruin the party.  He threatens to kill them if Dez doesn’t go with them.  And he’ll make it painful.  Desmond is a nice person and agrees even though these people are pretty long in the tooth and probably don’t have a ton of time left anyway.

Desmond says he is going somewhere with a bright light.  This messes with Sad Day Monster’s head and he gets all sensitive.  Linus’s pocket starts talking and Sad Day Monster gets all flustered.  Linus says it’s nothing.  On the other end Miles has found Ricardo.  Awesome.  Tell you what guys, you stay there, I’m gonna come meet you because you’re the only cool people on this island.

Meanwhile, Sawyer storms out of the jungle and startles Hurley.  He then calls him big foot and tells him to calm down.  Jeeze, Sawyer.  He tells everyone that Dez wasn’t there but they’re looking for him.  Jack says it doesn’t matter who finds him first they’re all heading to the same place.  Then what?  It ends.  Quick note, it didn’t actually end when they got there.  In fact, far from it.

woosh woosh woosh

Miles sees Sayid riding shotty in Hurley’s Hummer.  He starts flipping out and calls Sawyer, who’s wearing glasses that make him look like a huge nerd.  They also make him act nerdier because he agrees to make sure Sun is ok rather than telling Miles to chillax (if someone says this word you know they are cool).  The van never showed up to county.  So where’s the cop that took the bribe?

Sun and Jin are at the hospital.  Jin: “How do you feel?”  Sun: “A little sore.” Jin: “That’s what happens when you get shot.”  Sun: “Thanks, jerk.”

You just go and pick the one you want.

The lady doctor comes in to check on the baby.  They lift up her shirt to rub some jelly on her belly and we see that she got shot in the lung.  So why worry about the baby?  I don’t think Sun knows where babies grow (baby tree).  Whilst getting some goo tummy, Jin and Sun start having flashbacks to the island.  It’s really nice… until they die.  What an awful way to find out your fate and what an awful fate to find out.  Bummer.  Also, there was a scene where an oil tanker blew up with Jin on it while Sun flew away in a chopo-copter.

Part of the flashback involved Rosetta Stone software so they emerge able to speak English.  The doctor says the baby is perfectly perfect in every way.  Which is a medical term.  Jin and Sun are excited to predict/announce the baby will be a girl and they plan to name her Jihad (not my first choice, but to each his own).

Before surgery, Jack finds Locke to have chat.  Despite baldness, Locke is wearing a hairnet.  Jack asks if he is nervous (he should be).  Jack says he is very confident it will work (time to freak out, Locke).   Locke tries to calm down by changing the subject and asking if Jack’s dad was found.  He says he was and he should be arriving soon.  You got it delivered to work?  After hoping Jack can get some peace, Jack says “if I can fix you, it’s all the peace I need.”  I find that a little insulting.

woosh woosh woosh

Miles and Ricardo are riding in a canoe, heading to the other little island.  Miles notices Ricardo has a gray hair.  It makes Ricardo want to live.  That’s all it took?  While rowing, they seem some corpses and then see Salty Pilot clinging to a flotation device.  I guess he’s survived out here for days.  To be clear DAYS.  Make an effort to get to shore, Lazy Pilot.  He points out that he’s a pilot and can fly them off the island.  How could anyone forget, he’s wearing his uniform all the time.

While walking through the jungle, the good guys and bad guys run into each other.  Kate goes Rambo right down to the ridiculous method of holding a gun at her hip.  She starts shooting at Locke who looks bored.  Linus and Desmond are terrified because she is spraying bullets everywhere.  Sad Day Monster finds out that Jack took over Jacob’s job on the island.  “You’re the obvious choice.” “He didn’t choose me, I volunteered.”  While technically correct, I believe Jacob was laying game on you pretty hard.  He might have even said that he was happy you volunteered, so let’s not get too cavalier about this, Jack.

Jack calls out Sad Day Monster and says that he thinks he’s going to destroy the island, but he’s not.  Instead, Jack is going to kill him.  Sad Day Monster is a good sport and agrees to go anyway.  Or he has hung out with Jack enough to know that if Jack is betting against him, he has pretty good odds.

woosh woosh woosh

At the hospital, Jack and blonde doctor do a nice little rendition of the “doctor, doctor” bit from Spies Like Us.  Jack’s son shows up and calls her mom for some reason.  Oh.  Jack and the Ex have a little awkward back and forth about Claire and Ex shares my suspicions that there is some hanky panky going on behind the scenes.  The son looks pumped that they’re getting along.  This could quickly shift into an ABC Family original movie where he spends his time at summer camp trying to get them back together (another spinoff idea).

Sawyer shows up to the neurology wing of the hospital to find Sun.  Guess he didn’t want to use the main reception.

woosh woosh woosh

The talk in the Team Protagonist circle is that Dez has special talents and can be used a weapon.  They hit a point where Sad Day Monster says it is just him, Desmond, and Jack from here on out.  Sawyer gets stuck with the losers.

Three minutes later they come across the light in the tunnel.  Ya know, the light that Sad Day Monster has spent a century trying to find in a finite area but has had no luck until right now?  Yeah, that light.  Although it’s not as bright as it used to be.

Desmond is going in to do some stuff.  He tells Jack it will send them to be with the people they love and not worry about the island.  Can I go?  Desmond enters the tunnel and it looks like they are growing marijuana on the wall.  Which explains a lot.  He approaches a waterfall that makes the Pirate’s of the Caribbean ride at Disney World look like Avatar.

woosh woosh woosh

"Don't worry, honey. He'll get bored eventually."

Hurley and Sayid are sitting in the Hummer at night.  Keep those windows rolled down, Sayid.  Trust me.  Sayid wants to know what’s going on.  Hurley says he can’t tell him.  If I was Sayid, I’d be getting a little nervous.  Hurley starts pep talking Sayid.  Sayid says “you don’t know anything about me.”  “Yes I do, dude.  I follow you on Twitter.”  Then Hurley starts giving him life advice and getting awkwardly close to him.  Just before Hurley decides to lean in for a kiss, a fight breaks out in the back alley.  A broad comes out and gets pushed down.  That’s when Sayid goes nuts and roughs that guy up.  He goes to help up Blonde Girl.  They start having The Flashbacks.  Apparently they were in high school together because they’re making out at a bonfire.

Hurley goes through his usual Friday night routine and stays in the shadows and watching people make out. People are putting way too much stock in these flashbacks.  Who knows who this dude is.  Another dude, who looks like Handsome Clark Kent, approaches the vehicle.  Guess he took a whoopin’ to help get them to make out.  Bad deal.

woosh woosh woosh

Ricardo, Sea Pilot, and Miles (Team Awesome) gets to the beach and is letting Team Protagonist (Kate, Hurley, Linus, Sawyer) know that they are on the beach through the walkie talkies.  Linus looks nerdy even while talking on walkie talkie.  Claire turns the corner with a gun. “Claire!” says Miles.  Kate, into walkie talkie “Did you say Claire?”  Yes, but how did you hear him say that since he wasn’t pushing down the button to talk?  Claire starts firing shots.

Ricardo begins sweet talking Claire to get her to drop the weapon.  Ricardo is smoooooove.  Claire finally puts down the gun and says she doesn’t want to go and walks away.  Nobody argues.  I don’t blame them.

Back at the dimming tunnel, Dez is a good sport and says “no prob” to going where the light is the brightest.  While lowering him down, Sad Day Monster tries to relive some of the glory days they spent together.  Jack gets catty and tells Sad Day Monster that he disrespects Locke’s memory by wearing his face.  Ouch.  Sad Day Monster, never one to back down from a tift, tells Jack that Locke was dumb and when the island sinks to the bottom of the ocean, he’ll see he was right.  Jack says “We’ll just have to see who was right.”  Sigh.  You never learn, do you, Jack?

Commercial break. Thought I would change things up from the wooshes.

Cuz they're delicious.

In line to get into the concert, we learn that Claire is the shortest person ever.  Other stuff might have happened, but I was distracted by how tiny she was and that she wasn’t in heels or shot from a different angle to make her look taller.

Backstage, CDH gets woken up from his nap.  Someone left a sign that said to wake him up because he’s in the bad.  Airtight security at this joint.  After being woken up, he tells someone he was shot by a fat man.  Not a man with long curly hair and weird sideburns.  A fat man. (shaking head sadly for Hurley)

Dan Whitmore comes backstage and thankfully introduces himself to Charlotte (who reciprocates her name) which is a huge convenience to me since I recognize them but don’t remember their names.  Dan is playing with the band tonight.  Is this the girl Sawyer tried to seduce with a sixer a while back?  How many people were in this cast?  This show ending seems like the Hollywood equivalent of the Ford factory in Flint shutting down.  Ya know, except it won’t destroy and entire city.

Kate and Claire sit at the same table and have the same uncomfortable hello as though someone didn’t call the next day.  The tension is cut when the band is introduced.

The sign in front of the stage says “Drive Shaft”.  That’s really embarassing for whomever created the sign since we all know the band’s name is “Dry Shaft”.  For being so against playing this show, Condom Drug Hobbit goes onstage without much incident.  The guy who plays Dan Whitmore needs to learn how to fake playing the piano.

During the show, CDH starts giving Claire “The Stare”.  “The Stare” is so powerful it induces labor in ladies.  Even those who aren’t pregnant.  Thankfully in this case, she is.  So Claire goes to the bathroom to have her baby prom-style.

woosh woosh woosh

Dez is at the bottom of the waterfall.  There’s a lot of skeletons down there.  He finally gets to a natural Mountain Dew hotspring.  Delicious.  As he puts his feet in, it hurts more and more.  Kinda like when you try to get into a hot tub when you have sunburn on your legs and it really hurts at first but you fight through it and finally make it into the tub (oh, the plight of the Irish).

He gets to the center and… uncorks a bottle of evil wine.  Oh.  So it wasn’t a metaphor earlier.  There is literally a cork keeping the evil from escaping.

Lotsa notches in that belt.

A bunch of evil steam escapes and Sad Day Monster says “It looks like you were wrong” to Jack.  He sure was.  Way wrong.

Jack is a sore loser so as Sad Day Monster goes to take his victory lap, Jack tackles him from behind. Sad Day Monster gets a bloody lip and IT’S ON!  Sad Day Monster cracks Jack in the side of the head with a rock.  It’s back off.

Claire ignores the “crew members only” sign and goes backstage where there is a confused roadie.  She asks him for help.  He says sure and takes off running.  He isn’t coming back, Claire.

We cut back to the concert which is terrible.  How did Gothic CDH get into this awful muzak band?

Mrs. Whitmore sits down with Dez at Table 23 (get it!? That was Jack’s number in the cave!).  She’s the Sad Day Monster of Snoozeville and isn’t real happy with Dez for getting all these people together.  She asks if Dez will be taking her son, Dez sayz not with him.  Good call.  You don’t want that guy playing sub-par music wherever you go.

Backstage, Claire is makin’ babies.  No sign of the roadie who left a while ago.  Charlie comes backstage because he’s never one to miss a good childbirth.  They send him off to go get some blankets and water.  Preferably a hose because this baby is gonna need a good rinse when it comes out.

Kate puts her hair up so it doesn’t get baby goo on it and it’s go time.  as a courtesy she puts a denim jacket over Claire’s lap so nobody gets a free peak at her lady business.

While delivering the baby, Kate and Claire start having flashbacks.  Luckily she didn’t drop the baby while distracted.  Kate hands a fresh baby over to Claire after the shortest stretch of labor ever recorded.  Nobody bothers wiping the poor kid off.  CDH comes back with some blankets but says he couldn’t find water.  Sorry, CDH, not buying it.  If there is one thing that is always in full supply backstage anywhere, it’s water.

Claire has become a flashback junkie and asks CDH to hold her hand.  He does.  They have nice flashbacks about their happy life together.  When they cut back, they start making out and the baby looks super bored with the whole thing.  Hey wait.  Kate and Claire interacted tons before. Why did the flashbacks just start happening now? Hello…?

woosh woosh woosh

Back on the island, they simulate and earthquake by shaking the camera and having everyone wobble.  Hurley is terrible at it.  A tree falls on Linus as he tries to push Hurley out of the way.  I don’t think Linus is strong enough to push Hurley anywhere.  Elsewhere, Jack wakes up all spazzy and can’t find Dez.  Linus is comfortably resting under a tree. I would think his innards would be pretty smashed up.

While trying to figure out how to get Linus out from under his lounge tree, Miles calls on the ol’ walkie talkie.  Their welding the plane together and have about an hour before they need to leave.  Kate doesn’t know how they’re going to get there.  Linus, feeling no pain from being crushed by a tree, says they can take Sad Day Monster’s boat. Why are there earthquakes on the other island?  It’s not going anywhere.  Or did someone pull the cork in it’s light tunnel too?

Cut to Sad Day Monster looking out at the boat from a cliff.  Jack finds him.  Yells at him.  They’re going to fight.  It’s gonna be awesome. Sad Day Monster pulls a knife. Jack counters with a running jump punch.  Which will get you stabbed 90% of the time.  They fight a bit on the rocks.  Locke throws his backpack away.  What is it with everyone on this show and their backpacks?

Jack gets stabbed.  Instead of going for the immediate kill.  Sad Day Monster gets jack laying on his back and puts the knife to his throat.  He says “Just so you know, Jack, you died for nothing.  Just like Stonewall Jackson.”  Just then, he gets shot by Kate who says “I saved you a bullet.”  The Terminator, she is not.  With a little help from a kick by Jack, Sad Day Monster does his imitation of Homer Simpson trying to jump the Springfield Gorge.

woosh woosh woosh

Jack is coming out of his surgery on Locke and a nurse points out his neck is bleeding.  He says “damnit!” instead of actually trying to discover why his neck spontaneously bleeds.  My money’s on scurvy.  Before he can hit the showers, the nurse says Locke is waking up.  Jack says he’ll take it from here.

After Locke wakes up, Jack tells him not to try not to move.  He’s a paraplegic Jack.  He shouldn’t have to try too hard.  Locke says the surgery worked because he can feel his legs.  Jack says that he can’t.  Locke adds another notch to the Jack is Wrong Belt by wiggling his toes.  They touch and have a flashback montage.  Locke asks Jack if he saw that.  Jack denies it for reasons unknown.  As he leaves, Locke tells Jack he doesn’t have a son.  That’s not very nice.  Then he says “I hope someone does for you what you just did for me.”  Complex spinal surgery?

Back on the island, it has stopped raining.  Hey, how come when Sad Day Monster became human again he didn’t revert back to the original body he had?  Ya know, when he was a people.  Hurley, Sawyer, and Linus show up.  Wait.  How did Linus get out from under the tree without Kate to help?  Nuts to this, let’s go back to Snoozeville.

woosh woosh woosh

Sawyer gets to Jin and Sun’s room as they’re leaving.  Jin is nothing but weird smiles as Sun explains they don’t need protection and they are safe.  As they leave they say to Sawyer “See you there.”  “Where?” “The cast party.”

On the island, Salty Pilot is trying to get things working.  The plane won’t start so he turns to Ricardo and Miles and asks “Are either of you mechanical?”  “You mean like a robot?”  Pilot stopped listening and just sent Miles under the plane with a roll of duct tape.

High fiving Robo-Miles just isn't the same.

Jack tells the group that whatever Dez did he needs to undo.  He wants to send the rest of them on their way.  He asks Sawyer if he can get the boat to Hydra island.  Since Sawyer has a backpack he’s operating at 100% confidence and says absolutely.  Linus says he is going down with the island.  I’m relieved to know I will never meet him.  Hurley would rather die on the island than try to scale a cliff.

Kate gets all girl on Jack and asks him if she’ll ever see him again.  He doesn’t want to deal with it so he kisses her.  Way to keep her in check, Jack.  After pulling back, Kate says she loves him.  Jack doesn’t love her back so he hesitates and realizes the lesser of two evils is to just say “I love you too.”  Jack’s giving out some free lady advice, fellas.

Jack, Hurley, and Linus form the worst threesome in history and go off into the jungle.

Back at the plane, Miles and Ricardo are doing an ad for duct tape.  Sawyer tries to radio Pilot who is being difficult to work with and he chucks his walkie talkie across the plane.  Which seems like overkill.

Sawyer and Kate realize they have to jump off the cliff to get to the boat.  Kate does the right thing and doesn’t think about it and jumps.  Sawyer decides the best idea is to jump head first.  That is a bad idea for a lot of reasons.  Somehow it works out.

woosh woosh woosh

Sawyer passes Jack in the hallway and asks where he can get some grub.  Jack directs him to the vending machines.  Why didn’t Sawyer go to a restaurant?  He doesn’t need to protect Sun.  He should do something other than loiter at a hospital.  Sawyer’s candy bar gets stuck in the machine.  Bummer.  I expect Sawyer to start shooting the machine.

Lady Doctor (who I found out is Juliette) comes in and makes some chit chat.  She says if you unplug the machine and plug it back in, the candy drops.  I’m skeptical because that doesn’t make sense.  Sawyer goes to try it and unplugs the generator that supplies the hospital with electricity.  That makes the candy bar fall (wait, he didn’t plug it back in) and they touch hands.  They have flashbacks.  They come back and Juliette asks him if he wants to get coffee. “I’d love to get coffee but that machine ate my dollar and I only have one left.”  That’s why Sawyer is awesome.  As is protocol to this point, they make out because they touched hands.  They have no plans to restore power to the hospital.

Jack gets to the concert just as it ends.  His son, ex-wife, and Claire all neglected to call him to tell him where they were going.  Kate’s there though.  She feels left out of the make out sessions.  She comes up and touches Jack.  Based on his face, Jack has some issues.  Why is Jack the only one who doesn’t just roll with these flashbacks?

woosh woosh woosh

Based on the rocks falling, I think they might be at Islands of Adventure in Orlando.  Hurley throws a temper tantrum when Jack says he is going in alone and probably not coming back out.  If Hurley’s going to act like a child, then Jack will treat him like one and says Hurley will take over protecting the island (that way Hurley feels useful).  Hurley starts bargaining and pouting.  Seriously, is he 10 years old?  Jack becomes the William Henry Harrison of island protectors and they make plans to transfer over the powers.  They go and put mud water into a disposable water bottle.  We’ve really gone downhill on the quality of drink in these transfers.  Jack doesn’t bless the water so this is clearly fake. After Hurley takes a drink.  Jack says “Now you’re like me.  Handsome and incompetent.”

On the other island, the plane starts.  Hooray!

Jack gets lowered into the cave.  Hurley drops him.  Jack finds Dez and helps him up.  Dez thought he would leave if he uncorked the evil wine.  “You were right, Jack.” “There’s a first time for everything.”  Yep.  Jack is determined to be a martyr so he puts Dez in the sling and goes to put the cork back in.

Pilot is backing up the plane.  Which I didn’t think was possible, hence all those little carts that push planes back at the airport.  Kate and Sawyer rally Claire and are trying to tell Pilot to wait for them.  Pilot’s lack of courtesy resulted in the walkie talkie being somewhere he can’t hear them.

There’s a shot of the plane as the ground breaks up.  I think they reused footage from the Langoliers.  As they’re about to take off, Sawyer emerges from the bushes.  Sea Pilot says “What the hell?”  They’re just people, buddy, no need to worry.

Jack muscles up and gets the cork back in the wine.  But we all know it won’t taste the same now.  Nothing happens.  Poor Jack.  At some point he needs to be right about something.

Everyone gets on the plane and everyone takes an aisle seat except Claire.  Maybe they wanted more leg room?  The ground breaks up underneath the plane as it takes off and immediately makes a sharp turn.  I’d probably give it a minute to get settled, but far be it from me to tell Salty Pilot his business.

See. We celebrate his victories here too. Why does that guy look like the balloons?

Water starts trickling in.  Turns out Jack was right about this!  (party) After a little click the island fires up again.  So what is this light that keeps it running?  Hurley and Linus pull Desmond up.  Not sure why they didn’t do that earlier.  They would have had time to throw the rope back down for Jack.  Jack, celebrating his first victory in a while, lays happily.

For the final stretch, we’ll take things one at a time starting with the island.

Hurley is all sad because Jack disappeared.  Linus says Desmond will be ok.  They really should have tried to get a woman to stick around.  Now it’s just three dudes alone on an island.  Hurley has a freak out.  Linus starts quoting inspirational poems and tells him to do what he does best and help people.  That’s what Hurley does best?

Jack wakes up spooning a rock (not the first time!).  He’s a little uncomfortable.  He stumbles around the island, past a shoe in a tree.  He collapses.  A dog comes up and just sits next to him after licking up some of his blood (I wouldn’t advise that, dog).  As he is laying there all happy, he sees the plane fly overheard.  Frowny face.

The series really wraps up in Snoozeville.  Who knew this show about the island was actually about LA and took 6 seasons to set up a 10 minute sequence.  Here is what happened…

Locke takes a cab to the top of a mountain in Rio.  I am assuming that because the Christ the Redeemer statue is there.  He sees Ben outside who apologizes for what he did to him.  Throwing salt on his game while they were teaching together at the high school?  He says he did it because he was jealous and wanted everything he had (like a cool wheelchair).  When asked if he was coming inside, Ben says he has some stuff to work out.  Like whether or not it is ok to make a pass at a high school girl after making out with her mom.  Locke gets up and walks into the church.  In your face, God’s plan!

Hurley pops out and Ben is awkwardly excited to see him.  Ben still refuses to go inside.  Hurley tells him he is a real good number 2.  Um, did he just call him a piece of [blank]?  Ben doesn’t have a good comeback so he calls him a pretty good number 1.

Kate and Jack arrive.  Jack says this is where they were going to have his dad’s funeral.  Kate ruins the surprise funeral by saying they are going to have his dad’s funeral and then they’re all going to leave.

Jack goes into a room that has a stained glass window with every religious symbol and paces around the coffin.  I’m expecting someone to jump out and yell “surprise” at any second.  When he touches the coffin, there’s a Jack montage that doesn’t make any sense.  He opens the coffin and the body isn’t there.  Uh oh, looks like the necros got there first.

Jack’s dad is there.  Jack says “what are you doing here?”  His dad says “What are YOU doing here?”  Good comeback.  This is all Jack needs to realize he’s dead.  Bummer.

This is the point when the entire series gets explained to us.  Take it away, Jack’s dad…

“Thanks, John.  Ahem.  Everything that has happened is real.  Everyone out there is dead.  You didn’t all die at the same time, but I’m sure you knew that because Juliette blew up a long time ago.  Episode 1, in fact.  There is no ‘now’ here.  Although, it took you a while to get here.  It’s a place you all made together so you could find one another.  You probably could have done better than just imagining LA, but that is just an indictment against the lack of imaginations in you all.  The most important time of your life was the time you spent with these people.  You need them (to cover your bad choices), and they need you (to feel smarter after listening to your problem solving ideas).  You needed each other to remember and to let go.  We’re all moving on.  Let’s go find out where.”

My money is on heck.  Thanks, Jack’s dad.  You made my life a lot easier.

So they go out.  Everybody hugs.  Miles and Ricardo are nowhere in sight.  My guess is that they had much cooler times than the time they spent on the island.  They’re at some church across town with cool people.  I slip out the back so I don’t get stuck in a conversation with Hurley.

Once I’m outside a bunch of light enters into the overly-denominational church.

Jack closes his eye.  Show’s over.

Thoughts I Have

• How does this work?  People don’t die until they move on?  I’m unclear on how Mrs. Whitmore knows what’s going on and wants to prevent it.
• So what happened to everyone who died in Snoozeville?  Like Toothy Mobster?
• Those numbers next to everyone’s name in the cave didn’t mean anything apparently.
• I stand by my 5/15 Theory (catchy, huh?) that you can watch the first five and last fifteen minutes of each episodes and know everything you need from the episode.  Expanding out for the extended episode, you would have watched the first 13 minutes and last 37.  Theory works again.
• My above theory was also confirmed for me by Radio Askew with whom I did a podcast over the weekend (www.radioaskew.com).  Someone put my theory to the test and got all caught up before the finale.  Science wins again.
• My assumption is no one ever threatened the island again and they just went on about their business for eternity.
• For the record, I was able to follow this season fine.  I enjoyed the finale.  A lot of stuff went unanswered from the season (and likely the series), but after watching only one season I feel like I caught the most important stuff.

The final season of LOST as drawn to look like the Sistine Chapel ceiling by someone who has never seen LOST.

That is one clean house. The stack of papers is next week's entry.

I guess since there is only one more episode left we should do a little housekeeping.  The LOST finale post will be up either on Monday or Wednesday.  Depends if I try to keep continuity of Wednesday entries or next day entries.  As the intro to this blog says, don’t be haters.  Also, be prepared for an abhorrently long entry for the finale.  Two and a half hours is a lot of LOST to catalog.  In other news, there will be one more post after the finale.  If you guessed it would titled “Outroduction” then you are very smart and probably figured out LOST before it was even written.  I will be answering Q’s and junk.  Feel free to send some my way.  My contact info is in the about tab. One last thing, potentially going to do a live reading of the last post in Chicago the Thursday after the finale (May 27).  Don’t book your flights just yet, still working on some details.  I will update this paragraph if it gets figured out and I will make tweets about it too (@jdurbin).

[UPDATE: (cue Unsolved Mysteries music) We're trying to figure out location.  Looks like it will be a bar on the northside of Chicago (not super north) May 27 around 6pm.  We're trying to get a headcount so we know how much space we'll need, so e-mail fanclub@denuology.com or contact me if you're interested.  It's not an RSVP, we're just trying to make sure we have the right amount of space.  Since we're looking into bars, it will be a 21+ affair.  That is all.]

Now that we’re all caught up, let’s get all caught up on LOST.  Which I am now.  Thanks to this episode.  Which is pretty nice.

Overall What Is Happening

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!  Ok.  Now I see where we’re going with this.  Jacob needed someone to take over for him protecting the island.  Sad Day Monster doesn’t like the potential hook ups so he becomes a drama queen about the whole sitch.  Jack wins the Bachelorette. Wait a minute.  We’ve known this for a while.  Why are we just getting to this point now?

If anything other than a 150 minute fight sequence happens next week, I will be disappointed.  Although, they killed off Whitmore, Smurfette, Ricardo and basically Miles, so there aren’t many people left to fight.

Snoozeville lived up to its name with the highlight being Dez wailing on Ben.  He’s also really close to getting everyone united.  At a concert.  I’m looking forward to it.

More Detailed Recap

Jack wakes up in his bed in LA alone.  He clearly kicked the chick out of bed already (high five for Jack!).  He goes to the mirror and has a brutal hickey.  His eager puppy of a son pops in and tells him he made breakfast.  Careful, Sport.  You might not want to go bursting into your good-looking single dad’s bedroom.  God only knows what you’ll see.

Down at the table, Jack gets all high and mighty about what qualifies for cooking breakfast.  Feeling shame and hoping to end this emotional torment, his son asks if he’s coming to the concert tonight.  Jack immediately asks if his mom will be there.  He says yes.  To my surprise Jack doesn’t say “been there, done that.”  He missed a chance at another high five.

Claire comes in the room.  Guess we know who snuck out of Jack’s room this morning.  Gross! Because she’s pregnant.  Not because they’re siblings.  They asked how she was.  She says “Fine.  He kicks a lot at night.”  Maybe you shouldn’t talk about Jack’s sleeping habits in front of his son.

Jack gets up from eating his Super Bran cereal (made by the Mr. Cluck’s corporation) to answer the phone.  It’s Oceanic saying they found his dad’s body and it will be there soon.  Cut to the person on the other side of the phone, which is Dez.  Guess he took part time work as an operator for Oceanic.  Pretty cool he can work remotely like that.

Locke is getting hit on by a couple of teenage girls (what’s with the girls at this school) in the school parking lot.  Dez goes on break and is hanging out, watching Locke get hit on.  Really?  There’s no parking lot security after what happened?  Ben Linus shows up (I spoke too soon) and starts yelling for someone to call the fuzz since Dez is trying to kill Locke.  Desmond does what I think we all have wanted to do and just starts mercilessly punching him in the face.  He also says he is not trying to hurt Locke, but get him to let go.  So what are you trying to help Ben do?

Linus is pretentious to the school nurse when she calls him mister instead of doctor.  He then tells Locke not to call the police because the guy who ran him over just wants to help him let go.  There’s really no reason left for anyone to like him.  Locke deserves negative sanity points for taking Ben’s word for it and not following through with that police.  Also, Locke, someone probably called the cops already.

Meanwhile, Dez heads down the police station and turns himself in.  Sawyer takes him to the holding cells with Sayid and Kate.  They’re all in an open cell holding area.  Luckily, no one else in their precinct has been arrested today so it is just the three of them.  Also, how does Kate use the restroom in that setup?  I’m not asking biologically, but logistically.

The high school girl Linus has been awkwardly hanging out with offers to give a ride home.  Her plan is that her mom drives while they make out in the backseat.  Linus has been around the block and is reluctant because he knows it is a shoddy plan.  He eventually agrees when he finds out he’ll get a free meal out of it.  I think I am supposed to know who Alex’s mom is, but I don’t.

After dinner, Mrs. Alex puts Linus to work bussing dishes.  Seems kinda rude to invite over someone who took a savage beating and has their arm in a splint and put them to work.  Alex’s mom, never to lose a boy competition with her daughter, starts spinning game at Linus too.  Linus gets all emotional after Alex’s mom implies that there will be other dinners in the future.  Can’t say I blame him.

Meanwhile, Jack is sitting in his office fake typing.  Wheelchair Locke drops by and starts prying into his personal life.  He admits to throwing away Jack’s card (the correct move) but being weirded out that they keep running into each other.  He is clearly unfamiliar with deus ex machina.  He also has finally turned around on being fixed because the same guy who ran him over in a parking lot and also beat the hell out of one of his coworkers said the same phrase Jack said after his surgery.  That’s what it took?

Over in NoCrimeTown, Sawyer comes to transfer the only three arrests of the day to county.  Kate makes a move to get jailbroke.  It’s really bizarre and uncomfortable and probably easier for Sawyer to say no than Kate realizes.

Just look at the shock and confusion at the empty prison van.

During the car ride, Desmond says he will get everyone out of there if they do what he says after.  They all agree.  The car stops and a lady cop lets them all out.  Again, I should probably know who she is, but I don’t recognize her.  Hurley shows up with a wad of cash to buy off the guard.  He then tells Kate to put on a dress in front of him because they’re going to a concert.  Soooooo… what happened to that guard?  Seems like showing up with a van that was supposed to be full of prisoners but is now empty is going to be pretty hard to explain.

On the island, Jack is stitching up Kate.  He says it will hurt but it’s the best he can do.  Sounds about right.  Turns out Kate has a daughter named Gina (I think, she kinda mumbled this).  Based on what I know about the attention residual characters get, we can expect at least 2 hours of the finale to be dedicated to her. Kate says they need to kill Locke.  Jack agrees.  So, Jack was wrong before when he sided with Hurley and tried to be buddies with Sad Day Monster.

Sawyer is looking out at the ocean thinking about how awesome he is (and he’s right).  Kate makes a startlingly fast recovery and comes up to him for some cuddlin’.  Hurley stands alone.  Jack recognizes that Hurley is making Sawyer and Kate uncomfortable and suggests they go get Dez out of the well.  Good idea, Jack.

Finally we check back in on Ricardo, Miles, and Ben.  Apparently they’ve been taking the long route to find Sad Day Monster.  Miles starts getting all weird and I start questioning our friendship.  Then he says the word “wonky” and all is forgiven.  Also, Ricardo buried Ben’s daughter a while ago.  How many single parents are on this show?

They go into the back room of one of the houses.  There’s a creepy fireplace.  Linus says “it is where I was told I could summon the monster.  Until I learned the monster wanted to summon me.”  Intense.  Ben’s getting gradually creepier (no small feat for him) and grabs a bunch of explosives.  They hear a rattle in the kitchen and go to investigate.  It’s Smurfette.  Since she’s the only woman out of the nerds they all expected her to do the cooking and she needed some supplies.  Whitmore shows up and Ben is shocked.

As Whitmore fills up his glass at the sink, Ben says “Water you doing here.”  No one gets the pun.  Whitmore sez he is there because Jacob invited him.  Ben gets all jealous and calls him later.  Whitmore retorts with “yuh huh”.  And says his exact purpose is…  Smurfette interrupts to say Locke is coming in a canoe.  No one ever explains why Whitmore is there.  I am suspicious the writers aren’t real sure either.

Jack and Sawyer have a heart to heart in the woods.  Sawyer asks about the bomb on the sub.  Points out that Jack said it wouldn’t explode if they didn’t do anything.  Jack says he has been wrong before.  You sure have, Jack.  You sure have.  Sawyer says “I killed them, didn’t I?”  I yell “No Sawyer!  You were right!  Shut up!”  Jack graciously declines to answer.  Sawyer has to choke back some man tears.

Meanwhile, Hurley sees a kid in the woods.  He wants the ashes that Hurley took from Illana’s things.  After he gets them, the kid takes off running.  Much to Hurley’s knees’ chagrin, he takes off running after him.  Thankfully for Hurley, it’s a short chase before he finds Jacob burning a fire.  Jacob says we are close to the end.  About 2 hours by my count.

Back at the LOST Island Condo Association, everyone is making plans to scatter.  Linus asks Whitmore for his walkie-talkies. Whitmore: “Why?”  Ben: “Because I asked.” Whitmore: “I don’t think you understood my question.”  Whitmore and Smurfette go play seven minutes in heaven in the closet.  Miles makes a break for it into the woods.  Ben says he is going to stay.  Whitmore says Sad Day Monster will kill him.  “Then this is goodbye.”  Good riddance.  Ricardo is going to go try to talk some sense into Sad Day Monster.

They're playing Pictionary. I bet Sad Day Monster guesses this one right.

Instead, Ricardo gets knocked off the screen.  It was probably all staged so they could go hang out and ditch Ben.  Ben sits on the patio.  Sad Day Monster comes by for a visit (there goes my theory).  He tells Ben he needs him to kill some people for him.  If he does, he gets the island to himself.  Because sharing it with those other 10 people was probably what made it so miserable.  Ben tells sad Day Monster that Whitmore is in the closet.  Which I assume he means as an insult.

In the closet, Ben is looking over Sad Day Monster’s shoulder because he’s interested in watching (not the first time he’s said that I’m sure).  Sad Day Monster asks Smurfette “what up” and when she starts to answer, Whitmore tells her not to talk to him.  Sad Day Monster slashes her throat.  I’m glad we got away from the abdomen stabs, but slashing a throat isn’t much better.  Whitmore asks why he did that.  Sad Day Monster says “you told her not to talk to me, that made her pointless.” Oh. So that explains the other 25 characters that have died in the last 3 episodes.  Where did all those nice clothes come from?  Is there a Gap on the island?

Then Sad Day Monster and Whitmore talk about why Dez is here and Linus shoots him.  Probably out of jealousy.  Then asks if there is anyone else to kill.  Illana should have shot him a long time ago.

Jacob greets Kate, Hurley, and Sawyer at the campfire.  Then gives a special hello to Jack.  From here on out this is just an episode of the Bachelorette.  Jack is 100% the front runner.  Hopefully there’s no overnight dates in this show.  Also, they can all see Jacob so Hurley is no longer special.  This basically turns into a Q & A with the writers of the series.  We learn they’re here because Jacob created Sad Day Monster (which we knew from last week) and now someone has to keep him from leaving.  They’re all candidates because their lives suck.  Sawyer says his life doesn’t suck.  But when Jacob responds with “yes it does”, Sawyer doesn’t have a response.  Jacob needs someone to take over.  Awesome.  That was a productive five minutes.  I kinda wish they lead off this season with that.

Always a groomsman, never a groom.

Interestingly, Kate gets all sad because her name was crossed off in the cave.  Jacob says it is because she became a mother.  Don’t Jin, Sun, and Jack all have kids too?  Hurley moves us past this glaring hole by asking how Jacob will pick.  Jacob says he won’t, someone will volunteer.  Jack, having not spoken in a while, says he’ll do it.   Jacob is ecstatic that his first choice accepted his proposal and will get into the hot tub with him.  Hurley is still watching the double date from a chair poolside.

Everyone watches awkwardly as they walk off into the woods, holding hands.  Sawyer says “And I thought that guy had a god complex before.” Yes!  Kate nags him.  He says “I know” like he is wrong.  The Sawyer I know would never back off that statement.

Jacob and Sawyer get to the river.  Jacob: “Got a cup?” Jack: “Yeah, I do.  We were playing softball earlier.  Why? Am I gonna get hit in the… Oh! You mean like a drinking cup.  Yeah, I have one of those too.  Right here in my backpack.”  Jacob then scoops up river water and says Baruch Ata Adonai Eloheinu and hands the cup to Jack.  Jacob got metaphor wine and Jack has to settle for literal river water.  What a ripoff.  Either way, Jack chugs it down and then looks all googly eyed.  Kinda like a college freshman who does a lemon drop shot then pretends to be all liquored up.  Afterward, Jacob says “now you’re just like me.  Softspoken with mommy issues.”

Ben and Locke get to the well.  There’s a rope leading in and no Dez.  Which, in an M. Night Shyamalan-esque twist, doesn’t bother Sad Day Monster at all.  Locke is going to go find Desmond because he can help him destroy the island.  Which I am hoping translates to epic fist fight.

Thoughts I Have

• Oh, and there was some nonsense about how they lived in these houses 30 years ago and lived here a long time.  But it seems completely unrelated to anything, so I am skipping it.
• Why was there an entire episode redeeming Ben only have him turn the complete other way?
• I watched the first few minutes of V.  It was terrible.
• If Miles wasn’t on the plane, then why is he on the island?
• We’re almost to the end.  Countdown clock is close to zero.
  

  The minimalism is what makes it dramatic.

Something about those "18 or older" signs attract people in trenchcoats

To be fair, this might not have been an episode of LOST.  It seemed more like the Truman Show made love to Lord of the Flies, put on Step Brothers pants then took a Flinstones vitamin.  The only similarities are that it was on an island.  And Jacob was in it.  And Sad Day Monster showed up.  Which, in hindsight, seems like a fair amount of similarities.

If you’ve seen the episode then I don’t have to tell you that the title of the first half of this episode should have been “Innuendo” or “Double Entendre”.  If you haven’t seen the episode then might I direct you to the spoiler alert above.  You want to keep going?  Kudos.  Anyway, I think they switched writers/directors/key grips at around the midway point because they realized they were getting dangerously close to making the kind of show you have to go to the back of the video store to purchase.  I’m a little nervous reviewing this since I will probably make R rated jokes.

We’ll see what we can do…

Overall What Is Happening

Alright.  So.  Allison Janney lived on this island.  She drinks invincible wine (Boone’s Farm) so she can protect the light on the island.  A couple of twins (not Joe Mauer and Michael Cuddyer) wash ashore inside a pregnant lady.  Allison kills their mom and raises them and eventually hooks Jacob up with the magical strawberry wine so he can protect the light.  The light turns people into Sad Day Monster.  Which is to say, it makes them awesome.

One twin is evil, one is not.  They wear clothes to match their hair color.  Which is going to start a whole nature/nurture debate in sociological circles.

Oh, and for some reason they can’t leave the island and for an even stranger reason they aren’t allowed to hurt each other.  Even though Jacob wailed on Sad Day Monster a couple times and even killed him.  So… ya know… that completely contradicts one of the key points of this television series.

Not real sure how this affects what is going on on the island in present day.  We did get a nice cameo from Jack and Kate post love making though.

More Detailed Episode Recap

A black haired lady washes ashore on an island.  While panning, we see a hot air balloon basket, so she probably (wisely) hopped out before her hot air balloon crashed.  She’s pregnant although the way she keeps holding her “stomach” and moving it around, I think she might just be smuggling pillows.  She comes across an older woman who looks so much like Allison Janney that we can just call her Allison Janney since they never gave her another name.   Allison helps Preggy back to her cave where she makes tapestries.

Preggy says there must be other people on the island and wants to go looking.  Allison says “no dice” to her and that she does all the looking for people because she doesn’t want any competition if there are cute boys.

Preggy goes into labor and Allison looks way too excited to deliver this baby.  A clean (not bloody like most) baby comes out and doesn’t make a sound.  Preggy says his name is Jacob.  Ooooooooh, I get it.  This is a background episode.  Wait.  Why?  Wasn’t there going to be a huge fight?  Meanwhile, Preggy still has a huuuuge belly and she and Allison are shocked when another baby is on it’s way.  Apparently the still pregnant belly wasn’t a clue that there might be something else in there.

The second baby cries a lot when he is born.  He must be evil.  Preggy doesn’t have a name for him.  So let’s pick one right now.  I’m going to name him Cecil.  Done.  That was easy.  Meanwhile Allison gives Preggy the business end of a rock to the skull.  So she’s dead.  Allison’s going to regret this when she finds out what a handful twins can be.  We then get a close up of the babies.  Evil baby has a lot of goo or shampoo or something on his head.  How bout we wipe that off for him?  Maybe it’s why he’s crying so much.  No?  Just gonna stare at him?  Fair enough.

Some years pass and now the boys are about 13.  One of the little towers at the end of The Fifth Element washes ashore and a kid in black clothes picks up.  He’s joined by a kid in yellow clothes. Uh oh.  I hope this isn’t turning into a homoerotic version of Return to the Blue Lagoon.  But since they’re wearing outfits that match their hair color, I have little confidence it is not.  The thing that washed ashore is a game.  So they play it.

Jacob is a total suck up and tells the mom about the game.  Dunno why.  It’s just a game.  So she goes to the beach to be a killjoy.  Is Justin Beiber playing this kid?  Or is it the kid who played Anakin Skywalker?  At the beach, the mom admits leaving the game for him.  Um.  K.  Then they get into a philosophical debate about what’s outside the island (nothing) and where they all came from (the island).  Nietzsche is underwhelmed.  She also tells Cecil (Evil Beiber) that he doesn’t need to worry about dying.  I was hoping he would yell “Sweet!” then run straight off a cliff to test it.  But he didn’t.

Cecil and Jacob are out hunting a pig.  Or the monster from Lord of the Flies.  I’m not real sure.  Some other dudes kill the pig.  Since they’re tattletales they go running to mommy  to tell her that some guys out hunted them.  Sore losers. Allison tells them there are other people on the island.  Cecil demands to know why she hasn’t told him.  He goes all hormonal rage on her and so she agrees to show them their purpose, even though it is a little too soon.

She blindfolds them and is marching them through the jungle.  I suspect she’s going to “solve” her “problem” by shooting them in the back of “the” head.  I’m wrong.  They have an awkward conversation on the walk where Allison goes all Miss Havisham and tells the boys that all men are evil.  When asked why, she says because they come and destroy things.  Pretty weak answer.  She also has made it so the boys can’t hurt each other.  Au contraire, mu fraire.  First, she is wrong physically (as we will see).  Secondly, can they hurt each emotionally?

Definitely going to need more than that sign.

She takes them to a Willy Wonka tunnel where a bunch of light is emanating.  She tells them this is why they are here.  I thought it was because a pregnant lady was in a shipwreck.  They have to make sure no one ever finds it.  Then you might want to toss one of your blankets over it because that light is pretty obvious.  especially at night.  She also says one of them will have to protect the island.  I bet I know who.

They’re playing that game again and Cecil sees a hot chick (his mom, which he doesn’t know yet) and says he needs to go to the beach.  That’s code for a cold shower because this is the first woman he has seen that isn’t Allison.  He follows her and his real mom says she will show him where he came from.  Literally?  Because I think there’s laws about showing that to a 13 year old.  Luckily for the overworked court system, Preggy takes Cecil to an area where there are a bunch of people with huts instead.  They got here around the same time he was born in a shipwreck.

That night Cecil sneaks out and tries to get Jacob to come with him.  I think Ryan Phillipe might be playing young Jacob.  That dude doesn’t age.  For some reason mama’s boy doesn’t want to leave and flips out and re-enacts A Christmas Story on Cecil.  He hurts him pretty good.  Contrary to earlier beliefs it is impossible for them to hurt each other, Cecil is pretty banged up.  Allison comes out and breaks it up.  No word on whether Jacob lost his glasses.

Cecil gets fired up and says he’ll get off the island one day and he’ll prove it.  I side with Cecil.  I know he’s wearing black so that means he’s evil.  But I really think he is the good guy here.  I want him to get off the island. Maybe he should try building a boat.

Later there is a reproduction of the Stars Wars scene where Luke looks at three suns on Tatooine.  Only this is on a beach.  And it’s a lady.  And there’s only one sun. And there’s no sand people.  So to rephrase, Allison is on a beach.  Jacob comes up and starts begging for attention.  She says she needed to keep them away from the other people on the island so he could stay good.  Jacob asks why she loves Cecil more than him.  Her response: “I love you in different ways.  You maternally, him sexually.”  She didn’t actually say that, but you know that’s what she was thinking.

To no one’s surprise, Jacob grows into a 30 year old man who sews and lives with his mother.  He still meets Cecil to play games.  During one rousing game of Obvious Metaphor, Cecil throws his knife and it gets stuck to something with magnetism.  His peeps have been digging around and found a way off the island.  Jacob doesn’t want to leave because it is home.

He gets home and Allison is shaving her legs.  Mommy’s going out tonight.  Make sure to close your door and be asleep by 1am, Jacob.  She hears through the grapevine that Cecil knows how to get off the island.  Being a killjoy, she goes to stop it.

Moms are always ruining killer BBQ's

Cecil is having a BBQ in the bottom of a well when Allison shows up to rain on his parade.  Cecil tells her that he has a contraption that when the light is going and water gets filtered through it he will be able to get off the island.  She asks how he knows it will work.  Yeah.  Me too.  You sure you don’t want to just try building a boat?  He responds he knows because he is special.  She goes in for make out and then slams his head up against the wall.  He should feel ashamed considering how much stronger he is than her.

Allison goes back to Jacob and tells him it is time to explain what Lost is about.  They get to the light tunnel and she says “You’re going to protect it.  With this single torch.  It is the life, death, rebirth, cliches down there.  It’s the life source of the island.  Don’t ever go down there, it’s worse than dying.  Like dedicating 100 hours to figuring something out, only to have it conveniently summed up in a 5 minute sequence.  Here’s a bottle of wine you can use as an analogy for when you have to explain the island to people.  Drink the wine to take responsibility for the island.  No, it’s not like Catholicism wine, it’s just wine.”

Jacob is stunted in his growth both emotionally and psychology because he has been isolated on an island with his mother and brother for 30 years so he reverts back to his 13 year old self and refuses at first.  He eventually agrees and drinks.  Dramatic music scores the sequence and I like to think that at least one violinist rolled his eyes while they were recording.

After he drinks, his mom says “Now you and I are one in the same.” Gross.

Cecil wakes up with mud clogging his well (not a euphemism).  He sees some smoke, so he runs to what he hopes will be a bon fire.  Turns out his village was burned and his people were killed.  Seems a little extreme to me.  His game is ok though, so we’ll call this one a win.

Allison sends Jacob to get some firewood.  Before separating she says “be careful”.  I’ve seen enough cop movies to know what happens next.  She gets to the village and finds the light and dark stones from the game.  Just in case no one was clear that this is about opposites.  Cecil stabs her in the back.  Called it (just like 2,000,000 other people did).  While wounded they have a chit chat.  She thanks him for stabbing her.  No sweat.  Then she does a middle school theatre death and instantly dies.  Add this to the list of “abdomen stabbing” deaths that have been occurring this season.  The count is pretty high right now.

Jacob finds Cecil and his dead “mother”.  Wails on him.  Takes him to the light.  Taunts him before knocking him out and floating him into the tunnel.  So much for not being able to hurt each other.  Once in the tunnel some stuff happens and then Cecil emerges as Sad Day Monster.  Hooray!  He’s awesome now!

Jacob later finds his corpse and takes it home.  He decides to play Weekend at Bernie’s and makes his mom and Cecil’s corpses do people things.  Like hold hands.  Jacob needs to get off that island.

Thoughts I Have

• The black and white stones are akin to the rat at the end of The Departed.
• I left out the cutaway where Jack finds the stones after lovemaking Kate from what I assume is an earlier season.  There was no need for it other than to pretend that they planned this all along. Although it was nice that Locke showed up, switched the L in his name for a C and added blocker to the end.
• Now I understand why Ben killing Jacob was such a big deal.
• They should have aired this earlier.  After Mother’s Day I forget all about moms.  They must have something awesome ready for the finale since it is so close to Memorial Day
• Related:  I don’t like their mom (Allison) in this episode.  She wasn’t nice and didn’t have a lot of reason to do what she did.
• Before I took Sad Day Monster’s side because he was cool.  Now I actually empathize with him.
  

  Sometimes Sad Day Monster just needs a hug.

I call dibs on the motorcycle.

Big night, eh?  We’re making some great headway into the end of the series.  Which is exciting.

This has probably been one of the more eventful island adventures we have seen in a while.  More importantly, my theory that you could watch only the first 5 minutes and last 15 minutes of each episode is holding strong.  Which actually makes sense following a three act structure because you get introduced to what you need to know then you see the final conflict.  Everything in between leads up to that conflict. Story structure lessons, like survival tips, are free of charge.

The thing that does not make sense, however, are all these lucky run-ins in Snoozeville. Oh well. With that, let’s take a spin on the Coincidence Carousel.

Overall What Is Happening

The contracts expired for Sun, Jin, Sayid, Salty Air Captain and a whole lotta extras.  That’s not a euphemism.  Literally the contracts of those actors expired and so they were written out of the show.  I am guessing that it is related to the fact that there were only supposed to be 12 episodes in this season then they extended to 17 or something.  Everyone else was willing to work for free.

I’m glad that we spent all that time learning about these people’s backgrounds just to have them killed.  Way I see it, we didn’t need the Sayid or Sun/Jin episode.  They were intertwined and it turns out they don’t affect the end.  I’m just bitter that after drawing all these people last week, they got killed off.  Sad emoticon.

So that leaves Jack, Kate, Hurley, and Sawyer to fight Sad Day Monster and Claire.  Wild cards are Whitmore, Desmond, and Smurfette.  Somehow I completely lost Linus.  I have no idea where he is.  Or Ricardo.  In fact, I don’t remember seeing him for a while.  Oh wait.  They went off on their own to fight and kill Sad Day Monster.  They must be terrible trackers if they haven’t found him yet.  Also, not following Jack has worked out great for them so far considering what just happened to everyone in this episode.  I know I’ve beaten this drum quite a bit (and it has some more hits coming this week) but Jack has no idea what he is talking about and I don’t understand why no one on the island sees that yet.

In Los Angeles, everyone reunites from their flight from Sydney to LA.  These people have memories like bear traps.  Jack and Wheelchair Locke come one step closer to being lovers.  That’s all that happens.

More Detailed Episode Recap

Locke wakes up with a case of the Mondays in the hospital.  He’s all groggy and sees a blurry Jack.  He missed his chance to pretend to fall back asleep.  Locke wants to know what happened.  I’ll take this one, Jack.  You see, Mr. Locke, someone decided to see if their four wheel vehicle was stronger than your four wheel vehicle.  They won.  Big.

Jack then tells Locke he is a candidate.  (Pause)  Candidate for what asks Locke.  (Pause)  Surgery to restore your legs.  Get it?  See what they did there?  You don’t?  Oh. Locke’s survival instincts kick-in and he says thanks but no thanks to the surgery.  He also doesn’t want to talk about what happened that left him paralyzed.

Jack thinks privacy is for chumps so he goes and finds Locke’s dentist, Dr. Bernard Nadler.  He has a practice with Dr. Harold Testenstein.  Jack wants to know why he performed oral surgery on Locke.  Because his mouth was messed up is the answer.  When asked why he wants to know, Jack is pretty reluctant to answer.  The dentist then asks Jack if he was on Oceanic flight 815.  He was the old guy across the aisle whose wife Jack flirted with.  Course he is. And of course he remembers the flight number.  And of course he remembers that there was another man with him named Anthony Cooper.  And of course he happily breaks doctor-patient confidentiality to share this info with Jack.  At least Dr. Nadler admits he has a good memory.  Based on the amount of time I would need to still have all these memories, Locke was paralyzed last week and the flight from Sydney was 20 minutes ago.

So much cooler before all the tourists started showing up.

Jack visits Anthony Cooper but is having a hard time getting past the reception desk.  Lock’s fiance happens by and asks what up.  Jack keeps pushing to help Locke walk again.  She says “You saved his life. Why isn’t that enough?”  “Because it’s not.”   And that, my friends, is both a terrible answer and seems a little disparaging to people in wheelchairs.  It works somehow and Ellen takes Jack back to meet Anthony Cooper.  Turns out he is catatonic.  I also think he is on loan from Madam Tussaud’s so they didn’t have to pay an actor.  Lost went bankrupt.  Aside from being made of wax (or the greatest actor of his generation), this guy is also Locke’s dad.  Why do they have different last names then?

Back at the hospital, Jack is watching Locke sleep (creepy).  Locke starts dreaming about naked people and making happy sounds.  Jack decides it’s a good time to wake him up.  Then of course Claire shows up.  She was looking for Jack and asks to talk.

Jack needs to carbo-load before a talk so they go to a vending machine.  While there, Claire shows him a box that their dad left for her.  Jack doesn’t know what it is.  Then they realize they were on the same flight.  Shouldn’t Desmond show up about now?  Jack decides to put the moves on Claire and offers to let her sleep at her house.  Claire is playing hard to get so Jack goes to his fall back line of “we’re family.”  It doesn’t work.

Locke is rolling out of the hospital, feeling good about life, suspiciously looking at Jin because he doesn’t trust Asians, when Jack appears.  He wants to say goodbye to Locke.  Locke’s still happy.  Then Jack tells him he visited his father.  Now Locke is all sad.  Way to go, Jack.  Turns out Locke got into a plane crash and now everybody is all messed up.  Jack tells him to man up and they can be best friends.  At least I think that’s what happened.  I kinda zoned out during this part.

Back to the island!

Jack wakes up in a canoe with Sayid watching (feels a little creepy, doesn’t it, Jack?).  Sayid, flying in the face of the last 5 episodes, appears human again and is all buddy-buddy with Jack.

I felt left out, so I made my own list of names.

Instant cutaway.  The other group, or Team Common Sense as they will be known for ditching Jack, is being herded to cages by nerds.  One of the nerds gets tough with Sawyer and Sawyer smacks him across the face and takes his gun.  Whitmore rolls up and puts a gun on Kate.  He says he has a list of names (everyone on this island does) and Kate isn’t on it.  Kate says don’t trust him, but Sawyer is full of puppy love and decides to give the nerd his gun back.  The nerd then hits Sawyer in his swimsuit area.  Not cool, nerd.  Not cool.  After they get in the cages, Whitmore tells him they are being into the cages for their own safety.  Kinda like how we keep manatees at the zoo.  Whitmore says he needs to get ready because someone is coming in an hour.  Probably from match.com.

Sayid tells Jack that John Locke saved him.  I get ready for Jack to respond with “or did I save him?”  It’s just Jack, Sayid, and Sad Day Monster now.  They couldn’t afford all those extras.  Jack puts on his backpack and feels confident and ready to take on the world.  Sad Day Monster shows back up and says they need to go rescue the people in the cages.  Jack wants to know why he should trust him.  Sad Day Monster sez because if he wanted to he could kill all of them.  I’m sold.  So is Jack.  Sayid was mentally undressing Jack and didn’t hear the conversation.

Sawyer starts talking about how they were in the cages before and he seems pretty upset about it.  Kate tries to feel good about herself by telling Sawyer that Whitmore was bluffing.  Sawyer, not understanding how to trick women into loving you, rains on her parade by telling her that her name was crossed off the list in the cave with names.  Kate looks destroyed by the news.

In another part of the cage, Jin and Sun are putting on a snoozefest talking about their kid and Sun’s ring.

Meanwhile, all the nerds tried to get on World of Warcraft at once and the power went out.  Then Sad Day Monster goes rain cloud mode and kills all the nerds.  One of them is dead and laying near the cage with the keys on his belt.  Kate gets low and tries to reach the key but can’t.  Maybe one of the 6’2″ dudes should try instead of the 5’4″ woman.  Doesn’t matter, Backpack Jack swoops in and grabs the key and unlocks the cage.

Aaaaaaand, 7 hours pass and it’s noon.  They’re all walking through the woods.  Jack says he will help them get to the plane, but it is not his intention to get on it.  He’s not meant to leave.  Translation: there’s still booze in the condos.  Sawyer says “thanks for the hustle, bro”.  Sayid shows up.  Jack says it’s ok.  I say, no it’s not.  Someone needs to shoot this maniac.  They don’t.

Sad Day Monster has gone ahead to the plane.  There are a couple nerds shooting him.  He promptly snaps one dude’s neck then shoots the other guy.  Then he steals his the dead guy’s watch.  That’s hardcore.  Sad Day Monster goes up a cute little wooden staircase to get into the plane.  He finds some wires in the overheard compartments.  Spirit airlines charged him $25.

The rest of the gang catches up and Sayid points out that one of the nerd’s necks has been broken.  “That’s because I broke it.”  Nice, Sad Day Monster.  “If it’s any consolation, Whitmore knew I would kill them.”  There’s really no consolation there.  You still killed them.  Sad Day Monster announces that now they need to take the submarine.  They’ve really set up the first person shooter video game “The Lost Chronicles” nicely in this sequence.  Sawyer acts friendly with Sad Day Monster.  Jack announces he still isn’t leaving.  No one is sad.  Now Jack is sad that no one is sad.  Sawyer hatches a plan.  He tells Jack to make sure Sad Day Monster can’t get on the sub.  How?  Just get it in the water.  I’ll take care of the rest.  Cool plan.

Everyone goes into perv mode and is hiding in the bushes.  Sawyer is giving instructions and says “we’re going in hard.”  We’re still talking about the raid on the submarine, right?  Sawyer finishes laying out the plan which has two groups go then leaves Jack and Sad Day Monster to hang back and go last.

Alpha team goes… to no resistance.  Once in the sub, the same guy who got his neck broke is now running the sub.  They cast this show really well.  I believe that all of these guys in the nerd army are actually nerds.  Beta team goes.  Locke hands Jack his backpack.  I am surprised Jack had it off in the first place.  As they are running to the sub, a sniper in a tree shoots Kate.  There are a bunch of nerds being pervs in the bushes too (must be around the time Smurfette goes for a swim) and start shooting.  Jack opts not to duck and stands to return fire.  Lucky for him these nerds learned how to shoot from Stormtroopers and can’t hit anything.

Sad Day Monster comes to help and starts shooting people.  One gunman runs right at him.  The strategy doesn’t work and Sad Day Monster gets the easy kill.  Jack pushes him in the water, takes Kate on the sub, and they sail away.  Ditching Claire up top.  Poor Claire.  Sad Day Monster tells her that she doesn’t want to be on that sub.  There’s no ventilation so it’s gonna smell pretty bad with all those sweaty people on it.

Tending to Kate, Jack says he might have a shirt in his backpack.  Oooooooooh.  That’s why he has always has that pack!  Because there’s a shirt in there.  What they actually find is some C4. Uh ohz.  Rather than taking immediate action, they have a chit chat about it and look longingly at each other.

After a commercial break to think things over, they call down to Salty Captain and tell him to surface.  He says “We’re divin!”  Yes, we are.  Now do the opposite.  It’s going to take them 5 minutes to surface.  That seems like a long time.  Oh, and there’s about 2 minutes left before the bomb goes off.  Sayid begins looking at the bomb and telling Sawyer how to defuse it.

Jack hasn’t talked in a while so he says that they can just let the timer run out and nothing will happen.  Oh boy.  Everyone looks at Jack like he is crazy (they’re right) but they’re so stressed they don’t know what to do.  Jack explains (paraphrasing):  “Don’t you see.  This is what he wanted.  He couldn’t kill us all, we need to kill each other.  So he tried to get us all in one place so we would all die.  Don’t you get it?  He needs us all to die.  And THAT, my friends, is why we should all be confident that nothing will happen when the timer on this C4 counts down.”  Jack is going with the carpet bombing approach in logic where if he says enough things, he’s bound to get one thing right.

Sawyer has a moment of clarity and pulls out the wires.  The timer stops.  Then the timer starts going again real fast.  I thought that only happened in cartoons.  Anyway, Sayid tells Jack where to find Desmond (his corpse, right?) and grabs the bomb and makes a run for it.  Good for you Sayid.  A little while later Sayid joins the Illyana Club and goes boom.  To be clear, Jack was wrong.  The bomb went off.

Now stuff goes real bananas…

Salty Captain is walking to find out what’s going on and notices the pressure on the sub is going to shoot a sewer lid at him.  Instead of taking his remaining 5 seconds to get out of the way, he says “Aw hell.”  Boom. Done.

The rest of the group plays a game of yelling each other’s name.  Hurley says he is going to get Sayid.  Jack says there is no more Sayid.  Are you sure?  There was a lot of Juliette left when she set off that nuke.

Sun got herself trapped under a cabinet.  Jack sends Kate with Hurley and tells him to get her out of there.  Jack gives him a pep talk and sends him on his way.  Now that he’s out of the way, they get to work rescuing Sun.  They flip off the cabinet only to find some crazy piping pinning her in.  I’m still not exactly sure how she ended up in there.  She probably is just doing it for attention.

A piece of ceiling falls down and knocks Sawyer out.  Nothing is going their way.  I blame Jack.  Sun tells Jin to go.  He refuses.  Poor Jin, he has to stick around because Sun can’t avoid obstacles.  Jin tells Jack to go and take Sawyer.  Jack says no, Jin says yes.  Finally Jack agrees.  Looks like there’s going to be one more orphan in the world.  Jack makes a break for it and we see him swim out what appears to be a giant clam.

Jin continues trying to save Sun.  She wants him to go.  He doesn’t even consider it because he loves her that much (in your face, The Notebook!).  They both know what is going to happen.  They share an embrace.  Jin talks to her in their native language and tells him he can’t leave.  They hold hands.  It’s very sad and romantic (in your face, Titanic!).  Later, we see their arms underwater drifting apart.  It’s a really touching mome-COMMERCIAL BREAK!

No fade to black before jumping to an ad. Good work, ABC.  Glad you squeezed in that extra second of commercial.  Save up enough of those and you can run a crappy 5 second promo for V.

Jack gets Sawyer to the beach where he teases all the ladies by starting to go in for mouth-to-mouth then pulling back.  Hurley and Kate find them.  We find out Sawyer will be fine.  They find out what happened to Jin and Sun.  Hurley fake cries because he wants attention.  Jack real cries because he lost his backpack.

Sad Day Monster and Claire have been killing the last 7 hours on the dock.  Sad Day Monster says it’s time to go finish what he started.

Thoughts I Have

• How/why did Sun get back to the island?
• This island must be at a really strange longitude and lattitude based on how quickly it goes from day to night.  It has to be about 2 hours for each based on how quickly it changes on the show.  And if not, then what are they doing for all that time?  This show is the opposite of 24 when it comes to time.
• Not sure where Ricardo and his buddies went.  But I like them and would like it if they returned.
  

  Ricardo and Miles are off doing something cool. Like loitering behind a small school.

Frankenstein's monster hates camping

This post has a terrible title, I know.  We’ll put it in the Mr. Cluck’s file.  There was no new episode this week so I have nothing to recap… Or do I…?  I took suggestions from folks via the Twitter (@jdurbin) on what to put in today’s post.  A lot had to do with watching/recapping other shows, but Saw V was on and seeing that movie is on my bucket list (check). I got some good suggestions but the ultimate winner is…

Recapping the season thus far and present some other tidbit theories.  I’m not going to get real detailed.  My goal is to provide a user guide for any other n00bs who want to catch up but don’t want to watch 13 hours of television in one weekend (new guy updating new people is so meta).  So really I am getting you caught up with me.  Which isn’t very caught up.  I’m also going to pepper in some other suggestions in small chunks.  I also am going to include a lot of pictures.  So basically I just Frankensteined a bunch of ideas into one monster that’s afraid of fire.

Overall What is Hapenning (for the n00bs)

OK.  So there’s these people, all good looking, none black, that were in a plane that crashed on an island.  5 years happened.  To try to get off the island they set off a nuke.  All that did was break the show into two stories.  One in America (a.k.a. Snoozeville… I don’t call it that because I hate America, but it’s less action packed there), one on an island.

That’s the basics.  Before we start describing what is happening, let me introduce you to all the characters.

Jack Shephard (not Jake):  Defacto protagonist.  As handsome as the day is long.  Poster boy for Bad Idea Jeans.  He’s a doctor and tries to lead the people on the island through sheer will.  He pushes his ideas and oftentimes goes the opposite of group/common sense.  Pretty much the same guy in both worlds.  Oh, except on the island he has a backpack that he takes everywhere.

He's pretty happy with his backpack.

John Locke:  Bald dude.  Adventurous.  Only reason I am doing him now is because the Sad Day Monster disguises himself as him so he can have chit chats.  On the island he is dead, on Snoozeville he is in a wheelchair and just got run over by a car.

He's having a bad week.

Sad Day Monster:  The black storm cloud on the island that messes everybody up (read: kills them).  Earned his name because he is like the raincloud that you draw over cartoons to indicate they are having a bad day.  Doesn’t exist in Snoozeville, but if he did (h/t to @rustylive for suggesting I guess at this) he would probably work in accounting for a jamoke of a boss and have a loving wife who wishes he would pursue his musical dreams.  Think about it, this guy is chompin’ at the bit to get off a tropical paradise.  He must love monotony and the daily grind.  And I don’t mean the dance show on MTV.

The motivational poster isn't helping.

Hugo Reyes (Hurley):  Comic relief.  Pretty entertaining and funny guy.  There’s all kinds of subtle jabs at his weight in the show that make you think of insults and then you feel guilty for thinking them.  Just me?  On the island he is Jack’s sidekick and talks to dead people.  In Snoozeville he owns a chicken restaurant (see what I mean) and has trouble getting dames.

Ghost or non-ghost, we're just happy he has friends.

Sawyer:  He’s such a rebel that he makes his own rules… then he breaks ‘em.  Has become more likable as you realize that the sane person in the asylum will always look like the odd one (what?).  When not being hardcore on the island, he enjoys being a police officer.

And he doesn't even smoke!

Miles:  The most relatable character.  Just a dude.  Is Sawyer’s partner when they’re cops.  I like him.  We high five.

Just me and my buddy hangin out.

Kate:  a.k.a. Female Sawyer.  Has some rebel in her.  Potentially in a love triangle with Jack and Sawyer.  She is a wanted criminal in Snoozeville and Sawyer’s desire to give her a good time transcends stories.

No wonder the cops are after her.

Desmond:  Probably the most important character. He has a delightful accent and is extra smooth.  On the island he is a chess piece in the game between Sad Day Monster and Whitmore.  Off the island, he is an errand boy for a billionaire.   Last time we saw him he was stuck in a well making small talk with Sayid.

He's passing time in the well by thinking about convertibles.

Sayid: Iraqi who has an evil bug in him.  Emotionless.  Totally onboard with Sad Day Monster on the island.  He’s only slightly more redeemable in Snoozeville where he killed a bunch of mobsters and tried to nail his sister-in-law.  Last time we saw him he went to the well to shoot Desmond. Wait a minute!

According to me, Sayid has the same haircut as Hurley.

Jacob: Sad Day Monster’s nemesis but is actually the good guy.  He got stabbed.  Which is weird that killed him because he has been alive for a long time.  He brought everyone to the island to keep Sad Day Monter from leaving.  He’s probably like me that he though booze and environment would be enough to keep him from leaving the island.

Jacob drank some Haterade.

Ricardo: He’s awesome.  Lives forever.  Knows what’s going on.  Getting a little panicked.  He was Jacob’s buddy.  Now he’s kind of a loose cannon.  The actor who plays him is incredibly talented but kinda has raccoon eyes.  By saying “kinda” I assume that people won’t read that as an insult.

Ricardo on a horse, where he belongs.

Claire: She’s insane.  She was super duper pregnant when the plane crashed, so it is understandable that she would be all messed up.  She has a weird thing with Kate.  I think it’s called friendship.  She is completely out of her mind on the island, was with Sad Day Monster and then switched sides.  And she’s Jack’s half sister.

Nothing says crazy like standing on a pile of skulls.

Whitmore:  White haired dude who brought a sub full of nerds to a tropical island.  Their goal is to stop Sad Day Monster from leaving.  He also bosses Desmond around when they’re in Snoozeville.

Just joyridin about town.

Smurfette (Zoey):  The only girl in the group of nerds on Nerd Island.  Still busts skulls.

She is correctly concerned about all the boy nerds lurking behind her.

Illyana:  She was Jacob’s right hand woman in both worlds (as far as I can tell).  She got blown up on the island and is a lawyer in the other.

Artist rendering of why we don't need to worry about Illyana anymore.

Ben Linus: Real weinery guy.  Basically he should be on Nerd Island.  In Snoozeville he gets hit on by hot high school chicks but instead of doing anything constructive about it uses it to blackmail principals.  Which is just as weak as it sounds.  On the island he killed Jacob.  Then he almost got killed.  Now he is on the side of the good guys.  He also gives sweater vests a bad name.

High school chicks LOVE this guy. Must be the sweater vest.

Toga: Led some people at the Temple.  I called him Pretentious Asian for a while.  He got killed.  Spawned a memorial video (see episode 6 recap).

Toga's doing some hot tub maintenance. Yes I misspelled Chlorine.

Sun and Jin:  One’s a boy.  One’s a girl.  Together they form a forgettable team (as evidenced by the fact that I completely forgot to include them the first time posting this).  On the island they are separated but their love brings them back together.  In America they are Asian gangsters who are having a secret affair much to Sun’s dad’s chagrin.

This is the most exciting way I could think to draw Sun & Jin.

The Pilot: About as residual as a residual character can be.  He’s there because there is a plane and someone will need to fly it.

He's about 300 times saltier in real life.

More Details On What is Happening

Snoozeville has all the characters coming together and running into each other.  All of them seem to remember each other from their transatlantic flight. A guy named Desmond is trying to get everyone together and ran over John Locke in a wheelchair.  Ummmm… and that’s it.

The island is a bit more active. I started writing a detailed recap and then I got confused and sleepy.  In my face for all the times I said nothing happened in an episode.  What you need to know is:  For the Sad Day Monster to get off the island (he’s evil), he needs a small group of people to all leave at the same time.  Thankfully there is a fully operational (yet to this point unused) plane nearby.  And a Pilot!

There used to be a guy named Toga who kept everyone safe from Sad Day Monster by staying in a temple.  But he got murdered up and now all the survivors are in Sad Day Monster’s crew.

All the while, there are a bunch of nerds led by Charles Whitmore who came to the island on a submarine and needs to stop Sad Day Monster from escaping.  The world depends on it!

Related to both, there was this dude named Jacob who recruited everyone to go to the island to do his bidding.  He’s trying to protect the island.  He gave people superpowers or worked out another deal to get them to go along with him.  Now he’s dead and can only talk to Hurley.  Bummer.

Best Episodes This Season

• Episode 9 (Ricardo)
• Episode 12 (Because Hurley is so lovable)
• Episode 5* (Jack and Hurley on an adventure?  Don’t mind if I do.)
• Episode 6 (Sayid’s life choices don’t make sense)
• Episode 11 (straightforwardness FTW!)

Things New People Shouldn’t Worry About

• All the buildings, alcohol, supplies and other modern amenities on the island.  Don’t bother trying to figure out where they came from.  It’s a fruitless effort.
• Why they want to leave.  Doesn’t make sense to me.  They really have everything they need (except for a couple people who value love).
• References to multiple crashes and leaving and coming back.  As far as I can tell, it doesn’t influence how this thing will end.
• Cutting back and forth between stories.  You get used to it.
• Lack of musical numbers.  I don’t really know why you would expect that in the first place.

Thoughts I Have

• I was going to do more lists, but I decided to describe each character instead. Coming up with ideas for lists is surprisingly difficult.
• Some of the shows people asked me to review were: Beverly Hills 90210, Dancing with the Stars, the Lost Pilot episode, and anything on Bravo.  All good suggestions.  If you made a suggestion and would like to be mentioned, just let me know.
• There will be an outroduction after the season.  Just giving a heads up.
• For anyone who is new, I love parentheticals.
• 4 more episodes to go.

Let's catch our breath before hitting the finish line.

I am filing last week’s structure experiment as a success.  However, we’re going to tell one story at a time this week.  This episode is going to make more sense if we break them up instead of jumping back and forth (are you listening, Lost writers?). There is one point in this where you will see it does a disservice to one of the plot twists that I found completely ridiculous.  Shrug.

The different posters for this fall's ABC line up

It’s also clear this week that this is all a set up for the different spin offs ABC has planned for it’s fall line up.  Here is the list:

• Miles and Sawyer star in a crime drama called “Not Without My Sawyer”.  Kate guest stars as a former crook turned informant. Alternate title: “A Miles in his Shoes”
• Claire stars in a dramedy called “Up Over” (instead of Down Under) about a single Australia mom learning about life and love in Los Angeles. It’s a heartfelt comedy with heartfelt laughs.  Desmond plays the love interest.  Claire thinks they could never be more than friends.
• Sun and Jin star in a female-scaling-the-corporate-ladder drama called “The Rising Sun”.  It’s about how Sun has to fight against stereotypes and tradition to be the breadwinner in her family and coping with Jin’s mixed support and jealousy.  Think Ally McBeal but not funny.  So just like Ally McBeal. Zing!
• Linus and Locke star in a TV version of the movie “Stand By Me”.
• Jack stars in the medical dromcom (patent pending) “Neuroses”.  He’s a single dad and successful surgeon.  He seemingly has it all.  Except love.  Kinda like Gray’s Anatomy ate the Deep End washed it down with some ER then had House for dessert.
• Hurley goes on the Biggest Loser or Celebrity Fit Club.

Bulleted list came early this week.

Overall What is Happening

Nothing still.  Cork = Island.  Ocean = Den of Evil.  The big reveal this week is that everyone is coming together in Snoozeville (not the island) in super random ways.  Ways that some folks would call cheating.  Not me though.  I’m subscribing…  Not really.

The Island is in week 13 of building up to what ultimately will be a disappointing fight.  They could have done this lead up in three weeks.  Now that we’re so far in and invested, it’s going to be extremely difficult to live up to the expectations.  That’s why I ruin surprises as quickly as possible.  No one is ever disappointed.  It’s also why no one listens to my stories.  Sad emoticon.

The big reveal on the island comes from the philosophical stylings of Dr. Jack Shephard in which he states that maybe they AREN’T supposed to leave the island.  Thanks for checking in Jack.  God forbid we go one week without you proposing a ridiculous theory just to hear the sound of your own voice.

Onward…

More Detailed Episode Recap

If you remember last week, Wheelchair Locke got MAULED by Dez in his car.  Now he’s in the back of an ambulance with Ben as his escort (that sucks).  The paramedic is getting no response in his legs and Ben astutely points out that he’s a paraplegic.  Detective Paramedic asks if Linus knows him.  He says kinda and explains he is a teacher and is in a wheelchair.  Det. Paramedic says that the wheelchair is totaled and probably saved Locke’s life.

Hang on… So you know that he was in a wheelchair.  You are getting no response in his legs.  Linus had to tell you he is a paraplegic.  I believe this should suffice in explaining why I called him Detective Paramedic.  I think he is a graduate of the Jack Shephard Medical School.

Linus is eager to narc on Dez.  He says he saw the guy who did it and he was at school.  Linus is easily ignorable so I spaced out.

Sun is being wheeled into the hospital at the same time.  If you will remember a couple weeks ago she took the long route to getting rid of a baby without assistance from the new health care program.  As she’s getting wheeled in she looks over and sees a severely banged up Locke and starts freaking out.  I don’t blame her.  They literally had these stretchers almost touching and this other guy was mangled.  Doesn’t someone get a right of way?

In the police station, Sawyer is strutting around like he owns the place and eating an apple because he’s awesome.  He sits down to interrogate Kate and starts by saying “We’re wearing similar leather jackets.  Wanna knock boots?”  It doesn’t work.  Sawyer then points out to her that she is a murderer and that the feds will be coming for her.  Kate asks Sawyer if there is something she wants from him.  Well… no, Kate.  You’re wanted for murder. That’s why you’re here.  I guess if there WAS something we would want from you it would be that you don’t try to escape before they can put you in jail.

Sawyer decides the sexual tension needs some thickening and asks Kate if she remembers him from the airport.  I remember you letting a criminal walk, Sawyer (disappointed head shake).  She does remember him.  Score.  Sawyer asks if she thinks it’s weird that they ran into each other.  I do.  Kate sez “Are you hitting on me?” “No. I’m a cop and you’re a murderer.”  “I’m not a murderer.”  “I’m still a cop.”  And that makes Sawyer the winner of this round of the Logic Game.  Congrats, Sawyer, for making such an inane comment.  Kate sees through his charade and points out Sawyer let her go because he didn’t want people to know he was in Australia.  I don’t remember why he went, but it can’t be worse than letting a wanted murderer go free.

Miles shows up (thank God) and says they found the guy who shot that lady.  They don’t care about the 5 mob gangsters who are all dead in the same room.  They check a security camera.  It’s Sayid. Looking as cool and casual as ever.

Claire’s turn.  She goes in to talk to someone about adoption in one of the most corporate looking orphanages I’ve ever seen.  Dez, trolling for preggo chicks, goes up to toss more game.  He’s really creepy and asks if she remembers him from bag check.  As she is walking away, Claire tells him that he was right, it is a boy.  Not a good way to get rid of a creepy dude, ladies.

Problem solved (brushes dust off hands)

Seeing his opening, he follows her up the escalator. He claims he is going to see his lawyer.  I don’t know why there is a law firm in an orphanage, but so goes the enigma of Lost. Concerned she doesn’t have a lawyer, Dez points out that adoptions can be very complicated.  A wicker basket and a neighbor’s front step, however, are not.  After some serious harassment, Claire finally agrees to go talk to his lawyer. Shame on you for giving in, Claire.

As they enter the law firm, Claire’s spidey-sense is tingling.  You can tell because her bellybutton is out really far.  Illana comes out as the lawyer.  I’m disappointed that I have to keep typing her name.  I also think I have been misspelling it.  After being introduced, Illana asks if she is Claire Littleton from Australia.  Don’t worry, there’s only one.  She then asks to speak to Claire in private.  Claire’s suspicious bellybutton isn’t suspicious enough and she agrees to go to the back room with this stranger.

Sayid time.  He shows up at his sister-in-law(slash object of desire)’s house and tells her that she won’t have no problems no more.  She’s skeptical but we can’t see her bellybutton to know for certain.  Miles is at the front door and asks her to open up.  She does.  Miles: “Mrs. Jiraum, I’m detective Straum, and our names rhyme, but that’s not why I’m here-”.  Meanwhile Sayid snuck out the back where Awesome Sawyer takes him down.  I think this is the same set from Point Break where Keanu Reeves almost got his faced shoved into a lawnmower.

Jack and his son are walking into the same office building where Dez and Claire are.  Shwoo.  I was worried they wouldn’t get tied back into this story. Jack gets a phone call.  (to son) “It’s your mom” (into phone) “I think you gave me that rash you were fighting.”  His son tries to buy time before going back home.  This kid did a drastic 180 from the last time we saw him.  I think they are taking advantage of my bad memory and just telling me this kid is besties with his dad now.

They’re there to hear the reading of Jack’s dad’s will.  Jack tells his kid it’s ok to be sad.  His son replies “I’m sad for you dad.  You’re an idiot with no self awareness.”  They get to the law firm and Illana is their lawyer (of course) and says she has a surprise for them.  Again, I completely forgot that Claire was mentioned in the will.  Claire is in the room and it turns out that she and Jack are siblings.

…

…

…

I’ll address this when I actually saw it for the first time, which was on the island.  I would like to go on the record as saying: C’mon.

Jack’s brains are on the wall because he just got his mind blown and he gets a phone call.  He tells the person it’s a bad time then agrees to do a complex surgery.  I dunno, Jack, maybe we should wait until you’re in a proper mental state to do this.  No?  We need to keep walking this tightrope of coincidence?  Fine.

Special treat for this Jin and Sun section.  I’m going to copy and paste what I wrote down as I was watching the episode. “Jin is passed out.  You were shot but you’re going to be ok.  The baby is fine. HOW?  She got shot in the uterus!  Whatever.  Ice Cream and lollipops.”

I am glad the fictional baby is ok.

Jack brought his son to the hospital.  His son asks if he had an idea his dad had another kid.  Jack has no idea about a lot of things.  They both seem to be taking this news really jovially.  Jack goes in to do surgery and asks his son if he’ll be ok while he does this?  Jack… I’ve worked in a hospital.  Leaving a 13 year old kid in one with no form of entertainment for the 4-6 hours this complex surgery will take is one of the worst ideas I have ever heard.  All he is going to do is sit in a waiting room and watch Oxygen.  Which will make him bored or a sissy.  You don’t want either.   Send him to his mom’s house, it sounded like she had nothing to do when you talked to her on the phone earlier.

Anyway, Jack goes back to get some surgery on.  The nurse tells him they called him because they were in over their heads.  They felt dumb so they decided to call him so they felt smart by comparison.  Jack catches Locke’s reflection in the upskirt mirror they placed below him and tells everyone he knows this guy.

Woosh Woosh Woosh

Knew I’d find a way to sneak it in.

We kick things off on the island with Jack getting another custom special hello from Locke (Sad Day Monster).   He says they have some catching up to do and asks Jack to walk with him.  I hope he gets thrown into the well.  Everyone looks jealous that Jack gets to go talk to him and I think Claire might be wearing a wig.

This convo between Jack and Sad Day Monster is super boring.  We learn Locke had to be dead before Sad Day Monster could look like him.  Jack brought him back to the island.  He turned into Jack’s father, who Jack chased.  Sad Day Monster says he did it because Jack needed to find water and he’s too dumb to find the ocean while on a small island.

Artist rendition of the time saving scrollbar

Then comes the real shocker.  Sad Day Monster once again explains that everyone needs to leave together.  We… get… it… Please stop telling us that.  For the next episode can they just have a scroll at the bottom of the screen that says that repeatedly so we don’t have to dedicate any more time to explaining that.  Thanks.

Then Sad Day Monster calls Locke a chump.

Claire’s been snoopin in the bushes.  She comes out and Sad Day Monster asks her if she was following them.  She says yes and that she is Jack’s sister.

Sigh.

This is the plot twist that is not getting proper justice because I already sort of addressed it but this was the first time I had heard this while watching the ‘sode (cool kid abbreviation for episode).  I don’t want to go on a rant (and unlike Dennis Miller I am not trying to set up a rant) so I am just going to say that I find this to be absolutely ridiculous and unnecessary and a simple tweak to goose the viewer into a state of surprise.  From what I can tell, any character could be any other characters’ sibling.  While thinking about the difference between Luke and Leia Skywalker and these two I realized this show borrows a lot from Star Wars (down to some direct references).  I’m not in the business of providing theories though so I am going to get back on course.

Claire says it means a lot that they are coming with them.  Jack says he is not sure they are.  She says that they let Sad Day Monster talk to them, so now they are with him.

Brother and sister?  Really?  C’mon!

Sawyer tells Hurley that the plan is to separate from these folks and take the party sub from Whitmore’s island to escape.  The plan is to ditch Sayid because he is a weirdo and evil.  Hurley says you can save anyone from the dark side, look at Anakin.  Sawyer’s been on a deserted island (and he’s cool) so he doesn’t get the reference.  I disagree with Hurley.  Darth Vader is very low on my list of people to befriend with the hopes of changing.  Hurley has a case of the girls though and thinks he can change a man.  Stereotypes!

Claire, Sad Day Monster, and Jack return from the woods.  Where have they been?  It was night time now it’s noon.  What were they doing in the jungle all night?

Later, Kate tells Jack.  He asks if Sayid is going with them.  Kate says that “Sayid is different now.  We’re all different now.”  Yeah.  But Sayid got shot, then drowned in a magic hot tub, then came back to life, then was diagnosed as being infected.  So he’s especially different now.

Smurfette (Zoey) shows up to Sad Day Monster’s camp.  I figured she was sick of finding hidden cameras in her bedroom at Nerd Camp, but it turns out she is just delivering a message to Locke.  Which is that they want back what they took from them.  Or else. She then calls an air raid into a walky talky.  She hands the walky talky to Sad Day Monster and says to contact her on that.  And next time.  They won’t miss.  Hey, Smurfette.  Sorry to interrupt, but technically they didn’t miss.  They hit their target.  Unless they were supposed to blow up the camp.  Then they missed.  She’s really not intimidating.

Sad Day Monster smashes the radio and says “Here we go.”  Yes!  Now there’s definitely going to be a fight, right?  All the setup is complete?

Claire goes to talk to Hurley.  So no fighting then? OK.  Locke goes to Sawyer and takes out a hand drawn map.  I’m not joking when I say that I think I drew it.  It was the best thing I have seen on this show.  There was a little sailboat at the top.  And a circle that said camp.  It was AWESOME.  Anyway, on it, he tells Sawyer where to find a boat and to bring it to him so they can go to Nerd Island and punch some faces.  Sawyer asks to bring Kate.

He then asks Sayid if he has a minute and walks away.  Jack looks dumbfounded.  Sawyer tells him to bring the non-crazies to a different rendezvous point and they can escape.  No one notices Claire is insane so they keep asking if she should be included.  The answer is no.

Sad Day Monster asks Sayid to go kill Dez.  Sayid seems reluctant.  He asks Sayid if he still wants what they agreed to.  He does.

Sayid approaches the well and he TOOK OUT HIS GUUUUN (said in South Park R. Kelly style).  He’s lining up the perfect head shot when Dez starts asking him what the deal was.  Dez makes a lot sense by asking Sayid what makes him think Sad Day Monster can bring his lady back to life, what will he tell her when he sees her, etc.  My question is, how long has she been dead?  Cuz you could be signing up to be hanging out with a rotting corpse, homeboy.

Kate and Sawyer find the boat.  Sawyer says to Kate “There she blows!  You ready to get wet?”  Easy, Sawyer.  You don’t want to come on too strong.  Oh, you meant to swim.  He then comments that the Pilot looks like he stepped off the set of a burt reynolds movie.  Nice!  High five to Sawyer who’s making more and more sense as time passes.  He, as many people before him have, says that Claire is dangerous and can’t come with them.

Jack asks Claire how long she has been with Locke.  She says years because he was the only one who didn’t ditch her.  Aaaaw.  Sad Day Monster is leading a large crew (where’d all these people come from) across the jungle.  He asks Sun where Sayid is.  Rather than telling him that she can’t talk, Pilot just stands there.  Sun finally gets out her paper and tells him that he did this to her.  He says he didn’t.  Someone get Judge Joe Brown.  Sad Day Monster gives instructions to Female Extra #1 to lead the people and he will meet them.

Jack, the master of subtlety, gathers everyone who is ditching this group and makes it as obvious as possible.  They take off running.  Hurley running is hard to miss so Claire notices they all ditched her (Again! frown.)

Sad Day Monster finds Sayid and asks where he’s been.  He’s been worried sick.  Sayid says he just shot an unarmed man and he needed a moment.  We all know he’s lying.  Sad Day Monster believes him anyway.

The part with the lines is the golf course [Ed Note: A friend pointed out there is actually a golf course on the island. I got nothin'.

Jack looks lost.  He consults the cocktail napkin map (mapkin?).  “They should be right here!  Next to the ketchup stain and above the little owl drawing!”  They finally see the boat and make a run for it.  Claire pops out with guns up.  Kate and Claire haven’t filled out their Emmy reel yet so they have a heart to heart that ends with Claire getting on board with the escape plan. Literally!

Everyone’s on the boat and Sawyer explains the plan.  Cuddle with Whitmore then put a gun in his face.  Ah, the ol’ Tulsa Two-Step.  I’m a fan.  And so is the Pilot.

Sawyer asks Kate to take the wheel so he can go bust Sawyer’s chops.  Jack says he doesn’t feel right leaving.  He says that maybe they were brought to the island for a reason.  And that Sad Day Monster wants them to leave so they can’t do that thing.  Sawyer tells him to get off his damn boat.  Didn’t know it was his now, but I agree with him.  Jack apologizes for killing Juliette (the bomb was more responsible for it than him) and jumps off wearing his backpack and shoes 5 miles offshore.

Somehow he makes it to the beach.  Sad Day Monster and a group of extras are there to greet him.

On the other island, every swims to shore.  Nerds pop out of the woods.  Jin is with them.  He and Sun reunite.  Sun can speak again.  Love is nice. Why do they speak English to each other if it isn’t their native tongue?  Everyone gets warm fuzzies.  Smurfette ruins the fun by saying the deal is off and everyone needs to drop down to their knees.

Genius Jack, no more than 30 seconds after reuniting with Sad Day Monster, gets bombed by those jets.  Forrest picks up Bubba and takes him to a safe place.  Locke says don’t worry, you’re with him now.  Being with him sucks so far.

Thoughts I Have

• I would like to see the two lost worlds told in linear format.  So instead of jumping, we see everything on the island at once then everything not on the island.  I think the redundancies would be glaring.
• I’d also like to show someone nothing but the first segment of the show and last 15 minutes of each episode and see if they could follow along.  I bet they could.
• Bonus drawing this week.  Woooo!
• Where’d all these people come from that Sad Day Monster is leading around?  I know he’s popular, but this is ridiculous.

Sad Day Monster addresses his millions of fans

Everyone is ganging up on Hurley.

Side note. I was in high school when the last episode of Seinfeld aired.  For those unfamiliar with the show, one of the big gags of that final episode was having a cavalcade of past residual characters make appearances.  It was immensely rewarding for people who had loyally watched the show through its entirety.  The next day I was talking about the episode with a couple people (as you can surmise, I was very cool in high school) and one of the people said it was dumb and stupid and not funny and the worst thing he had ever seen (paraphrasing).  We didn’t love the episode, but we certainly didn’t have the same vitriolic reaction that he did.  Then someone asked if he had ever seen Seinfeld before.  He said no.  Mystery solved.  He just didn’t get the point.

Why did I write that really boring paragraph with lots of obscure words?  Because I realized I am that guy who had never seen an episode of Seinfeld but watched the finale.  When old characters come back I have no connection to them, I just judge based on what I see.  I think it finally dawned on me in this episode because it there were a couple characters from past seasons that would make a Lostie squee with delight.  But I just want to see someone fight or blow up.  Lucky for me, I got one of my wishes.

Oh, and this episode is about Hurley.  Which means that the writers on LOST and I will get a lot of stored up comments about his weight out of our system.  If you get offended, don’t shoot the messenger, the show makes more fun of him than I do.  I’m just more blatant about it.

Overall What is Happening

The cork on a bottle of wine analogy still holds up.  Ricardo even remembers it after 300 years (approx.).   We have the added layer that there’s a bunch of dead people who can’t move on from the island so their souls just wander aimlessly and they talk through one person who can hear them.  Which is the direct plot of the movie Ghost.  I’ll keep an eye out for Jack and Kate to make a clay pot.

Also, Team Protagonist is ready to bust some skulls against the Sad Day Monster’s ragtag crew of mercenaries.  But they don’t yet.

Detailed Episode Recap

We’re trying something new.  Instead of breaking up the storylines I am going to go how the story unfolds.  “But how will we know when you’re in what world?”  Don’t worry, beautiful reader, I’ll do the same thing LOST does and make helicopter sounds every time I switch.

We kick things off at a black tie affair with some old guy (who probably is critical to the plot of Lost) giving a speech.  He says “there is one thing we can all agree upon” (close up picture of Hurley shows up) “this guy eats too many cheeseburgers.”  No he didn’t.  He said everyone loves Hugo.  Which is already a better show than Everybody Loves Raymond.  He then continues on by saying that Hurley satisfied his lifelong love affair with chicken by buying the Mr. Cluck’s franchise.  There’s just a lot wrong with this whole sequence.  I’m pretty sure saying he had a lifelong love affair with chicken was a veiled dig at his weight.  Also, Mr. Cluck’s was the best chicken restaurant name they could come up with?  What a slap in the face to Popeye’s, KFC, and Chik-Fil-A. Why not… um… or…  I can’t think of any better names. But I’m sure they exist.

After degrading Hurley, the MC tries to build him back up by talking about all his charity work.  Nothing groundbreaking (pun intended) here other than one of the pictures is of Hurley in front of some land with a sign that says “experimental farming.”  The experiment is probably to see if he can grow McNuggets.

They announce Hugo Reyes as man of the year and they give him a T-Rex trophy, which is pretty awesome, but not very professional.  His mom starts giving him the business after the award show.  “Everyone loves Hugo but women.”  Ouch, Mrs. Reyes.  Hurley says he is too busy.  His mom says he is too scared.  I say he’s too fat.  All sound theories.  Mrs. Reyes backs up her talk and informs Hurley she set him up for a blind date.  This is one thing I have to disagree with.  Hurley is a funny nice dude with TONS of money who does a lot of philanthropic work.  I guarantee there is a woman out there who would aggressively pursue him.  The actor who plays Hurley probably gets this effect just because he portrays Hurley. Anyway…

Woosh Woosh Woosh

Hurley is out in the woods kneeling at a little cross with the name Libby written on it.  He then proceeds to beg a corpse to talk to him.  Not one of his bettter moments.  When Illyana shows up she asks some questions about who Libby was.  Thanks, Illyana.  Turns out it was the girl that liked Hurley as more than friends.  I can say “the” vs “a” because there has been only one.  They were going to have a picnic but she was murdered.  Bummer.  Hurley makes his signature frowny face. You know what I’m talking about.  He always makes a frowny face (his “acting” face) where it looks like his upper lip and bottom lip are wrestling and his bottom lip is winning in a landslide.  Whatever, I notice it.

A black guy (!?) showed up while I was dissecting Hurley’s lips.  He’s here to stop Hurley from getting everyone killed.  He’s gonna shut down his fast food franchise?  This is the guy who killed Libby.  Instantly trustworthy. He informs Hurley that since everyone is listening to Hurley now, everyone will die.  Aw.  Poor Hurley.

Woosh Woosh Woosh

Hurley is sitting alone in a mexican restaurant racking some tortilla chips.  Chip Guy must have thought “son of a b” when Hurley sat down.  This show also seems a little racist for sending Hugo Reyes to a Mexican restaurant.  Of course, it would have been hard for the writers to squeeze in jokes about Hurley eating chips alone if they hadn’t.  The restaurant is called Spanish Johnny’s.  Somehow they did worse than Mr. Cluck’s.

These tables tend to stand out in a restaurant.

A blonde woman shows up and seems really disoriented. The only complaint against her is that she looks like she has some miles (not the cool guy on the island) on her.  Hurley has no chance.  Turns out this is not his blind date but just a woman who saw him from across the restaurant.  She reaches out and holds hands.  Yes! Score, Hurley! Toss game! Toss game!  She asks if Hurley believes in love at first sight. Hurley bumbles and sweats.  You’re blowing it! She then asks if Hurley remembers her.  He asks “should I?”  Fellas, if in this scenario, the answer is always “course I do.”  You can figure it out later.  Senator Kelly (from X-Men) comes over to throw salt on Hurley’s game.  She calls him Dr. Brooks.  Apparently she wandered off.  There was an asylum trip over to Spanish Johnny’s I guess.  Hurley follows them out and we see a bunch of crazies getting into a van.  Guess Hurley didn’t notice the table of six people who are mentally abnormal when he walked in.  Based on what I can tell of the people getting into the van, I’m not sure how.  Either way, High Standards Hurley still wants to hang out with Libby.

Woosh Woosh Woosh

Illyana has a big ol’ satchel of boom sticks.  There’s a little trepidation in the folks around her.  She points out that she was supposed to hear from Richard what to do next.  Richard says blow up the plane, so let’s blow it up. She’s also been training for this her whole life.  Good thing things worked out the way they did then.  KABOOM! Dynamite goes off.  So she’s dead.  Which is good because I was tired of typing her name.  Although, based on what we learned in the first episode when Juliette set off a nuke, Illyana is probably fine.

On the other side of the island, Sad Day Monster is widdlin’.  Sawyer is awesome and starts asking him why they’re just sitting around.  Locke says, for the 15th time, that since they all came to the island together they need to leave together.  Is no one on this island paying attention?  He even specifies he needs Hurley, Jack and Sun.  Starting writing this down, Lost characters.

Sayid shows up looking a little guilty.  He asks to talk to Locke in private.  Locke is way too eager to accommodate.  I think he thinks they’re gonna go make out in the woods.  Locke is disappointed Sayid didn’t kill those nerds on the island.  Sayid leads him to a clearing where Desmond is happily tied to a tree.  Locke gives a very weird long creepy look.  Images of Deliverance pop in my head.  Not because of Lost.  It just happens from time to time.

Now that Illyana blew up, Team Protagonist is left figuring out next steps.  Richard thinks they should get more dynamite.  Jack sez that maybe Illyana died to teach us to stay away from dynamite.  They all agree that Richard is right because Jack is always wrong.  They plan to go get more dynamite.  Surprisingly, no one asks Jack why he’s been walking around with a backpack on for the last 2 hours.

Woosh Woosh Woosh

Hurley is in one of his restaurants and orders a bucket of fried chicken (see what I mean when I say they make fun of him).  Dez happens to be in the same Mr. Cluck’s.  He approaches Hurley and says he recognizes him.  He asks him if he was on Oceanic flight 815.  Hurley looks as interested in this conversation as I am.  Dez calls him out on the bucket of chicken.  Hurley says he eats when he’s depressed.  By looking at him, Hurley must be suicidal.  Hurley starts telling Dez about Libby and how he met this awesome girl (you didn’t even talk to her, grow up) and now she’s gone.  Dez asks if he believed her when she said she knew him.  Hurley says yes because he is desparate.  Dez gives some interesting advice that Hurley should find out where she thinks she knows him from before giving up.  I don’t believe this whole sequence because of the simple reason that I doubt Dez would go eat at Mr. Cluck’s.

Woosh Woosh Woosh

Dez is surprisingly calm for being tied to a tree.  Desmond tells Sad Day Monster waaaaaay too much info about being kidnapped and blasted with electromagnetism.  Sad Day Monster seems surprised at all the info and asks Dez if he knows who he is.  Desmond sez “you’re John Locke.”  Sad Day Monster keeps a poker face.  He tells Sayid to go away and he and Desmond are going to go for a walk.  I think we all know where this is going.

Team Protagonist goes running through the woods.  I think they are only a slight upgrade from the nerd army on nerd island.  Linus gets all boring and talks about how the island was done with Illyana and so she blew up. They lost Hurley.  No one knows where he is.  I doubt he outran any of you, how do you not know where he is?  Oh, there he is, running towards us.  KABOOM, he blows up Richard’s boat.  Good work Hurley.

Hurley claims he did this to protect everyone.  Michael (the token black guy) told him to.  We also find out there are a bunch of dead people yelling at Hurley.  That’s sad for him.

Woosh Woosh Woosh

Hurley is talking to Senator Kelly (Dr. Brooks) who informs him that Lilly has issues with reality and it wouldn’t be a good idea for Hurley to see her.  This is a terrible version of Romeo and Juliet.  Hurley starts talking about donations to the hospital.  Senator Kelly seems confused.  Look, Hurley knows how prostitution works.  How much will it cost for me to bang one of your patients?  And apparently there is a price.

A copy of the check Hurley wrote to Dr. Brooks.

Hurley just hangs out in the lobby with the other patients.  Which seems like stange protocol.  She comes out, he stands up to greet her.  He does a Yokozuna Banzai Drop on an unfortunate folding chair, they start chatting.  Libby says that she saw him in a commercial and instantly started having other memories of their life together.  What kind of memories asks Hurley.  “A plane crash.  A flimsy plot with inane twists.  A naive view of love.  Oh and an island.  We knew each other.”  Hurley says this is his first time in a mental hospital.  Usually he buys his women at clubs you have to have a secret password to enter.  And he doesn’t remember her.  She gets upset and says she knows she is crazy.  If you are aware of your insanity, does that really make you sane?  Something to ponder.  Libby is here voluntarily so she can leave whenever she wants.  Hurley wants to know if she wants to do something.  “You mean… like a date…?”  Yes. He means like a date. Other than using a stereotypical line the only reason to ask him this in this situation is to get a heads up on whether he’s gonna make a move or not.

Woosh Woosh Woosh

Dez and Sad Day Monster are walking through the woods.  Sad Day Monster sees a kid.  The kid smiles at him.  Sad Day Monster tells Desmond to ignore him and seems incredibly frustrated.  Is Sad Day Monster a pedophile?

Ricardo is freaking out about the blown up dynamite.  Hurley says that Jacob is telling him they just have to go talk to Sad Day Monster.  Ricardo tells Hurley to ask Jacob what the island is.  Yes, please do, for the sake of all of us.  Ricardo is trying to prove Hurley is not talking to Jacob.  I like Ricardo.  He’s smart.  Hurley says he doesn’t have to prove anything.  Yes you do Hurley. You can’t just make a claim that people need to go reason with a murdering rain cloud instead of blowing up it’s only means of escaping without having some justification.  Ricardo starts his own branch of protagonists.  Miles is with him.  So is Linus.  Jack is with Hurley.  Uh oh.  Guess we know Hurley is wrong now.  Sun and the Air Captain join Hurley’s squad too.

Somehow 6 hours pass since they had this conversation and they’re walking through the jungle at night.  Sun asks Air Captain if they made a mistake.  Air Captain says probably.  I say definitely.  Hurley confesses to Jack he didn’t see Jacob back there.  He wanted people to listen.  Jack sees Hurley making a play for an Emmy and gives the following monologue: “Ever since I got Juliette killed I wanted to fix it.  And I can’t ever fix it.  It’s hard for me to sit back and tell people what they should do.  Maybe that’s the point.  Maybe I’m supposed to let go.”  Other than the first part, I think this monologue might have been in Gleaming the Cube.

They hear some weird noises and Hurley says he thinks he knows what they are.  He runs into Michael who tells him he is stuck on the island because of what he did.  There are others like him who can’t move on.  Cool, like in Ghost.  Got it. Hurley asks where Locke is, Michael points to the obvious camp.  Before leaving Hurley asks if there is anything Hurley can do for him.  Michael says don’t die.  Then someone might want to get him to eat salads when he gets depressed rather than buckets of fried chicken.

Woosh Woosh Woosh

Hurley gives us a little upshirt shot as he lays out a blanket on the beach.  He proudly announces to Libby that he bought six kinds of cheeses.  Cheese on a hot beach sounds really unpleasant.  Libby looks understandably uncomfortable.  She says this feels like a date they never had.  Right, because they are doing it now.  Hurley asks why she even wants to be with him.  Because she is crazy.  Libby, however, lies and says “because I like you.”  You’ve had a combined 2 minutes on the same screen together and have yet to have a conversation that doesn’t center around your belief that you’re soulmates.  What exactly does she like about him?

They lean in to have a face measuring contest and accidently touch lips.  There is a montage of island stuff.  Hurley suddenly gets it.  Dez has been sitting in his car, being creepy and cool all at once.  He drives away.

Sad Day Monster and Dez approach a well.  We all know Dez is getting tossed down there, but first they have to talk about it.  Sad Day Monster drops a torch down it to show how deep it is.  He says they weren’t looking for water when they dug it, they were looking for reasons why the island made compass needles freak out.  Electromagnetism!  My God!  It’s so obvious!  Oh, wait.  Sad Day Monster rags on Whitmore then asks Dez why he’s not afraid.  Dez doesn’t see the point in being afraid.  Sad Day Monster throws him in the well.  Dez might just have crappy instincts.

Back at camp, Sayid asks where Dez went.  He just says they don’t have to worry about him anymore.  Sawyer is trying to win the “Aggressively Question Locke” award and asks where he has been.  Just then there is a rustle and Hurley emerges from the woods.  Sawyer looks unhappy that he has to hang out with Hurley now.  Hurley plays negotiator and says nobody do anything stupid to get people hurt.  Well, since you did Sad Day Monster’s job for him by hand delivering the last of the people he needs to escape, you don’t have to worry about that.  The rest come out of the woods.  Jack looks especially dumbfounded at the world around him.  Sad Day Monster’s heart flutters with joy.  He gives a long creepy hello to Jack.  Just him?  Nobody else gets a hello?  Fine.

Woosh Woosh Woosh

Dez is hanging out in the parking lot of a school.  Linus approaches his car to inform him that this is his molesting turf and he’s not looking to share.  Dez tells him he is considering the school for his son.  Linus tells him how great the school is.  Wait, a few episodes ago didn’t you say the school was awful and the principal was doing a terrible job and it was so bad that you tried to blackmail the principal to get his job to make the school slightly better than a piece of garbage? I guess I can see why that wasn’t your salespitch.

Wheelchair Locke is having a tough time on the hills in the parking lot (no one wants to help him by giving him a push?).  Dez, tired of Linus’s lies, punches the accelerator and DESTROYS Wheelchair Locke.  He really messes him up.  It seems completely unnecessary.  But admittedly it was so absurd that I laughed pretty hard.  Especially when Dez looked in his rear view mirror with a smirk.

Thoughts I Have

• This was what I thought was originally going to be the series finale.  How quickly time flies.
• That sea captain is a good person to have in your corner.
• I think you could watch the last 15 minutes of each episode for the entire season and not miss anything important.
• As punishment for all my rude comments to Hurley, I am going to go spend some time in timeout.
  

  I'm grounded until next week.

Love as depicted by this episode of Lost.

My plan was to go do some internet snooping and sound all smart as I explain what multiple universe theories are and how they are related, but then I got really confused by the Wikipedia entry and gave up.  I can’t imagine anything as intellectually degrading as being confused by Wikipedia.  Frown.

I’m also a little nervous that last week a guy got pulled out of a submarine and this week we got a whole episode dedicated to him.  If each of these characters is getting their own storyline, then we have a long way to go before getting to the end of the series.  Thankfully (for many reasons), we stopped dedicating every other episode to Jack.  Thankfully we have one storyline to follow this time.  Unthankfully the theme of this episode was love.  And not the good, passionate kind of love that Ricardo treated us to.  This was the love at first sight, everything is sunshine and lollipops, I’m gonna marry that cute boy/girl/class pet that I met in jr high kind of love.  Gross.

Overall What is Happening

So LOST is a sales pitch for the concept of multiple universes.  That explains a lot of what has been happening in this show.  In one universe you’re on an evil island with Sad Day Monster.  In another, Linus is a shady teacher, Locke can’t feel his legs, Kate is fugitive, Jin and Sun can’t speak English, Claire is slightly less crazy, Jack is a terrible dad, Sawyer and Miles are secret cop lovers, and Sayid… well… Sayid is pretty much the same guy, he just has no respect for the vows of marriage.  I think you know where my preference lies. (Hugs Sad Day Monster)

Just enjoying some ice cream with my buddy.

Desmond is a dude who can withstand HUUUUUGE amounts of electromagnetic activity.  He also is a dude who wants to get freaky with the boss’s daughter.  After a long day of “corral the crazy” another dude explains that huge amounts of energy can mess up the universe and send it down and alternate path.  It gives Desmond a crazy idea about contacting everyone else on his flight.  As you can tell, lots o’ crazies in this episode.

More Detailed Episode Recap

Dez (can I call you Dez? Great.) wakes up and is all groggy and junk.  Smurfette (the only chick on nerd island) informs him that he has been unconscious for 3 days and they gave him a shot to help wake him up.  I hope they changed his clothes before waking him up, because after 3 days he has to be covered in filth.  If you know what I mean.  And I think you do.

Dez asks Smurfette if she is a nurse.  She somehow holds back the feminist frustration as she wonders how to make it any clearer that she is a geophysicist.  Dez asks to see Penny. We learn that that dork Linus shot him.  Whitmore comes in to instill peace.  He lets Dez know that he’ll see his wife and kid soon enough but if he had asked Desmond to come with him to the island, he would have never come with him.  Dez goes B-A-N-A-N-A-S and starts beating Whitmore with his IV.  They inform him the island isn’t done with him yet.  As long as they keep bringing him back there it never will be.  He gets subdued and screams.  This whole sequence reminded me a lot of The Room (http://tinyurl.com/ayygso).  Which I realize is probably the most insulting thing you can say about something, but that is not my intention.

Now that Dez is under control, they can turn their attention to Jin.  He demands to know why Dez is here.  Whitmore says to take him to the generator room to explain.  Because words are hard.  Some nerd flips out that the test isn’t supposed to be until tomorrow.  Whitmore informs them he is aware of the schedule, but would like to test it now anyway.  As they are walking, Smurfette tells Jin this is not time for sightseeing.  He wasn’t really sightseeing.  Just looking at the shed.  No need for a ‘tude.

The next sequence is an absolute delight of scientific terms that 99% of the audience can’t call nonsense on because we don’t know any better.  These all might be real things, but to me it sounded like kids playing pretend.  The EN field is functioning!  We have a faulty contact!  Check the solanoids!  All this means the machine is busted.  They send out Man #1 to scope things out.  While he is gone, one of the nerds turns to a rabbit and let’s him know he is going to die once they get this fixed.  Cool.  Thanks for the heads up, chief.

Whilst Man #1 is checking things out inside the machine, Bumbleclot (the clumsy 50′s sitcom stereotype) notices that the fuse is just out (headslap).  Oblivious to the world around him, Bumbleclot throws the switch and turns on the machine.  Man #1 starts getting electromagnetized.  Despite everyone yelling to turn off the machine, Bumbleclot takes at least 5 minutes to finally power the thing down.

Everyone runs out to make sure Man #1 is really dead. I was expecting Dr. Manhattan to emerge and that we would have to look at a giant blue organ (c’mon, you know what I’m talking about) for the rest of the episode.  Lucky for the fellas, the guy just got crisped.  Desmond looks scurred. They’ll probably do the rabbit after him, then. Seems like they are wasting a perfectly good test bunny if they don’t.  Also, what are they trying to test with the rabbit?  That’s like testing if a gun will kill someone by shooting a cat.

The good news is they have a sheet to cover up the burnt up guy.  Whitmore says “Stop.  I want to look into his eyes one more time.”  After showing everyone who joined the show late what they missed, he puts the sheet back and says to put Desmond inside.  They drop him in a chair and a nerds asks if he has keys or chains.  Whitmore flips out at the question and says “Course he doesn’t!”  Whitmore has really high expectations for these scientists’ knowledge of kidnapping.  Thankfully, we get the lazy explanation that we need to find out if Desmond can survive a catastrpohic event because he will have to survive another one for the good of the island.  Also, Whitmore sacrificed his son for the good of the island.

It takes Dez all of 10 seconds to break out of the chair.  They turn on the machine.  Magnetic Flux Density! And Desmond passes out.  Stock footage of clouds.  Airport.  Smoothest transition to Snoozeville yet.

Desmond is looking at a board when Hurley tells him their baggage is on carousel 4.  Thanks Hurley.  Stop trying to pick up dudes at the airport and mind your own business.  At carousel 4, Desmond starts hitting on Claire because picking up a pregnant Australian woman at the LAX baggage claim is on his bucket list.  This serves two purposes: One) Have Desmond interact with Claire to meet the criteria that everyone see each other again.  Two) Find out Desmond doesn’t like surprises.

Desmond meets his driver, named George.  George is annoying.  I’m a little surprised he doesn’t double as a translator.  He offers to get Desmond dinner reservations or prostitutes.  This guy is so annoying that even if I did want a hooker I would have someone else get it for me.  Dez just asks to get taken to the office.  George makes secret plans to send a hooker up.

At the office Dez and Whitmore have a bro hug.  Whitmore has a job for Dez.  His son is a musician.  It’s basically a combination of classical with modern rock.  I’m imagining Sigur Ros. Or that time Metallica played with an orchestra.  The band’s name is Dry Shaft. Ummmmmm… why?  Desmond’s job is to keep an eye on an OD’ing bassist.  Desmond says sure.  The correct answer is “C’mon. You want me to keep an eye on a junkie bassist in a band named Dry Shaft? You’re messing with me, right?” I guess Desmond just has no self respect.

At the fuzz (police) station, Condom Drug Hobbit (CDH) emerges.  He’s the bassist!  And we have another improbable encounter of two people who were on the same flight.  CDH immediately scores points with me by blowing off Desmond, walking into traffic, and saddling up to a bar and drinking some whiskey.  Then he immediately loses all those points by going into a diatribe about how Desmond has never been in love.  CDH says he was in love with a girl on the plane.  Dez sez “Enlighten me.”  “She had HUGE boo-” Oh.  Wait.  He says it was the girl with the handcuffs.  Really, CDH?  You’re losing your mind over Kate?  I don’t even think she was the most attractive girl on the plane.  Anyway, he goes into a story about how he saw the cops on the plane, he knew they would search him.  He went to the bathroom to swallow his drugs (why not just throw them away?) and choked.  Whilst choking he got enveloped with happy feelings and saw her.  Therefore it must be love.  I think it’s the heroine.  He then says he woke up to some idiot standing over him asking if he is alright.  Ha ha! Points returned for calling Jack an idiot!

Desmond, like everyone else, stopped listening to this boring story a while ago.  He tells CDH he can either come with him or lose his music career.   CDH sez it sounds like there really isn’t a choice.  “There’s always a choice, brotha.”  “Good point.  I choose booze.”  JK!  He went with Desmond.

In the car, Dez and CDH are listening to the radio.  CDH: “This is my band.”  Me: “Then your band sucks.”  Desmond is more polite and just ignores him.  CDH, high on drugs, decides to prove his point about love and grabs the wheel.  Apparently they’re in a Toyota because rather than just hitting the brakes, Desmond accelerates.  With nowhere else to go, they drive into the ocean. Good thing that marina was there.

Desmond unbuckles his seatbealt and before escaping plays a quick game of “grab the undies” with an unconscious CDH.  His survival instincts finally outweigh his perversion and he surfaces.  Once above water, he realizes that people can’t breathe underwater and CDH is in trouble.  He swims back down to get him.  CDH has “Not Penny’s Boat” written on his hand.  Dez saves him.

Dez is getting inspected by a lady doctor.  Rather than requesting a hernia check, he keeps asking where the guy he came here with is.  For some reason they won’t tell him.  Once the doc finds out he had a few hallucinations, she wants to do an MRI.  “I don’t have time for an MRI!” exclaims Dez.  Doc sez tough beans, you’re not going anywhere til we know what’s going on in your head.

At the MRI machine the tech puts a blanket on him so no one can look up his gown.  He also explains he’ll need to spend 30 minutes in there and there is a panic button.  Don’t hit that though because then they will just need to start over.  Guess what… He hits the panic button.  But first he kept seeing a lady and kid and stuff.  We know it is a hallucination because they used the same copper tone (not to be confused with Coppertone) from when CDH had stuff written on his hand.  After hitting the panic button, he unstraps himself and makes a run for the door.  The MRI tech doesn’t care about his job so he doesn’t stop him.

At the front desk Desmond is demanding to know where his friend is.  I guess the doctor lied and they will let him go before knowing what is going on in his head.  Don’t worry, Jack is right there.  And they remember each other from the plane.  What are the odds?  Extremely low.  Jack, in an attempt to think, looks befuddled as Dez explains his problem.  Lucky for him, CDH cames barreling down the hall.  Jack says “Stop!” and then gets knocked out of the way.  It’s a good thing he’s handsome, cuz he ain’t offering much else.

Hospital chase.  Desmond corners him.  CHD starts talking about love again and says he isn’t playing a rock concert.  After the sample we heard on the radio, I think that is a win for everyone.  He tells Desmond to stop worrying about him and find Penny.  Since this hospital is devoid of security, he walks past Dez and out the door.  Desmond needs to stop taking advice from a junkie.

Whitmore has his feet up and Desmond on speakerphone, which tells us that he is a bigshot.  Lacking any form of sympathy he calls Desmond a failure and says that he needs to tell Mrs. Whitmore that he failed.  George, still confused as to why Desmond hasn’t requested hookers, tells him that she is a tough lady to deal with.

At the event, Desmond finds Mrs. Whitmore.  He shakes her hand which instantly brings her out of menopause.  She says don’t sweat the band and she appreciates him telling her in person.  Who’s going to tell the rest of the band?  Oh well.  Desmond goes to leave and overhears the name Penny.  He asks to see the guest list and Mrs. Whitmore gets vicious on him.  Frankly, she confuses the hell out of me.  She says he is not ready to see the guest list and stop looking for what he thinks he is looking for.  Desmond leaves and asks George for a drink.  Sign me up.  George says “Whatever you need.  Like some prostitutes.  They’re ready whenever you are.”  Then Dan Whitmore says he needs to talk to Dez.

I've recreated the page from the notebook here.

I’m not going to waste anyone’s time by recapping the 30th rant about love and love at first sight in this episode.  Basically, he saw a hot chick, fell in love, then did physics in his sleep (not a euphemism). The theory here is that there are separate lives we are supposed to live and with a huge boost of energy we can alter the life we are living.  “So you want to set off a nuclear bomb.”  “… I think I already did.”  Look, Dan, you either did or you didn’t.  You should know.  Dan, trying to win a friend, tells Dez where he can find Penny.  In an unlocked stadium.

Penny is running the stairs in a really awkward way  I can’t put my finger on.  Dez initiates the creepiest meeting I have seen.  “Are you Penny?” “Yes.”  “Great.  I’m Desmond.  I’ve been trying to track you down since I hallucinated underwater and saw the name Penny written on the hand of a known drug user.  Even though it didn’t give a last name, I bet it was you.” She has terrible survival instincts.  She should have maced him by now.

CUT TO THE ISLAND! Whoa.  Oh.  Desmond wakes up and is doing just dandy.  He was only out a few seconds and Smurfette is intrigued.  Whitmore starts to pitch him on the importance and Desmond sez he completely gets it and wants to know when we get started.  Well, we’re 11 episodes in and nothing important has happened yet, Dez, so we’re on pace for another 30 hours before we get to where we need to go.  I’m excited for the next epis-

Fake ending!  Smurfette, Dez, and some nerds are walking through the woods.  She wonders why he suddenly is so cooperative.  Desmond says a lot can happen in 20 minutes.  Unless it is an episode of Lost.  In which case nothing happens in 20 minutes.  Sayid pops out of the woods and murders some nerds.  Or as I like to say, commits nerder.  He tells Smurfette to run.  She does.  He tells Desmond he is in danger and needs to come with him.  Desmond is smart and says “Great!”  Wow, now that ending really left me hanging, I wonder if next week they-

Fake ending!  Another one?  Alright.  Back to Snoozeville, Desmond passed out after shaking Penny’s hand.  Penny is not thrown off.  He asks if she wants to get a coffee.  “I’m sweaty.” “I fainted.”  I’m sorry, the correct answer is that it is 11pm and coffee will keep you up all night.  Might I suggest going for a cocktail instead?  Penny ignores me completely (ingrate) and says she will meet him in an hour at a coffee shop.  So did she skip the charity event then?

Desmond gets back to his limo.  George asks if he found what he was looking for.  Dez sez yes and has a weird look on his face.  George once again offers to get anything he needs.  Desmond says there is one thing, those hookers you keep pushing on me.  George gets excited and asks if he really wants them.  Desmond says no, he really just wants the passenger list from his Oceanic flight.  He needs to show them something.  I don’t you can get that list, Desmond.  Also, you don’t need it.  You’ve encountered everyone on that flight at some point in the last 24 hours.

Thoughts I Have

• For the second straight week I watched next week’s promo.  THERE’S A BLACK DUDE ON LOST!!!?!!?!?!??!
• There was a promo for “V” that said everyone is talking about the show.  No they’re not, ABC.  No one is talking about that show.
• Speaking of ABC.  They put Jamie Oliver’s show on at 9pm Friday.  I guess they assume all the fatties have nowhere to be on Friday night so they will be home to watch it.  Kind of a mean assumption, programming directors.
• I wonder if the guy who plays Dan Whitmore is disappointed that Neil Patrick Harris stole his career.  He could have been in Starship Troopers.
• Survival tip.  If you drive into water, roll down the windows.  Once the car fills up with water you will be able to open the door because the pressure will be normalized between the two.  You should also have a way to break the glass in your windows so if you can’t get them down for some reason, you can break the glass, then let the car fill.  I saw that on Dateline years ago.  This entry just saved some lives.

The medal I earned by including another survival tip.

Ummmmmmm, sooooo.  There’s 6 episodes left, huh?  Of all the things I have boffed in our short time together, this is the one that I am most thrown off by.  Why

Using colored Sharpies now. Look out, world.

did I think there would be only 12 episodes?  The worst part is I don’t understand why there are only 16 episodes in this season.  Aren’t tv seasons usually 22 episodes or is that no longer the case?  How much more is there to explain?  We just have a huge fight left to happen between good and evil and we’re square, right?  There’s a lot of questions in this paragraph.  Wait.  I thought I was supposed to be getting answers.  You win again, LOST.

Another development I didn’t see coming: There was a V in the corner of the screen with a countdown.  Not sure what this has to do with LOST.  I think it might be a numbers thing.  Ya know how everyone had a number earlier.  Maybe they were counting down to the death of #5 but wanted to be more subtle so they used a roman numeral.  It was just way too prominent not to be a critical piece to the LOST puzzle.

Overall What is Happening

Little to no progress this week in finding out what is happening.  We get a glimpse of Jin and Sun as clumsy mobsters.  Plus our old organized crime friend Dr. Teeth shows back up alive and well.  We’re getting set up for a super huge fight.  Which is pretty exciting.  I just hope they make a rule that you can’t punch Jack, Ricardo or Sawyer in the face.

More Detailed Episode Recap

Jin emerges from the TSA back room, and I gotta tell ya, he looks pretty ok for just having gone through a cavity search at the airport.  Jin gets his bag but asks where the cash is.  The TSA guy tells him they’re going to confiscate it. “If you fill out paperwork over there, you can have your money.  There’s the door, leave the airport.”  Not sure but I think that TSA guy just pocketed $25,000 from a confused foreigner.

Jin says he missed a meeting where he was s’posed ta give the money and the watch to a gentleman in a restaurant on behalf of Sun’s papa.  But after getting a Sicilian handshake from the TSA, Jin could use some time off his feet, so they check into a hotel where Jin flips out that they were putting them in the same room.  Once Jin says not married, he is magically checked into another room.  We all know how this is gonna go down.  Why not just save some money and get one room since you know you’re gonna end up together anyway.  Course this is hard to pitch to a female companion, so probably best to just let it happen.

Anyhoosiers, that night, at 11:30 to be exact, Jin says he should go deliver the watch like her father asked him to.  Sun says I have a better idea; come inside my room.  Jin reluctantly agrees and then accuses her of only coming all this way so she could shop.  Sun, offended, begins unbuttoning her shirt. Lesson for the fellas, accusing women of loving shopping = scoring.  The sequence also included the closest close-up on boobs in the history of network television.  Made me wish I had a 3D TV.

The next morning Jin has a look of complete regret (who hasn’t been here).  Sun wakes up and says “Let’s run away together.”  “How could we do that?” It’s pretty simple, Jin.  You just go somewhere and don’t tell anyone that is where you are.  Sun sez she has some money saved up and asks if Jin wants to be with her or not.  Course he does!  She says she has something to tell him but then there is a knock at the door.  Jin goes Three’s Company and hides in the bathroom.  It’s the big toothed mobster from the Ballad of Sayid!  Uh oh.

Toothy Mobster is looking for Mr. Kwan.  He notices that there is an awful lot of champagne laying around for one person.  Rather than assume she is an alcy, he suggests checking the bathroom.  Sidekick opens the bathroom door where Jin is awkwardly posing shirtless.  Guess if you’re going to get found might as well have some fun.  Never one to shy away from misplaced racism, Mr. Pinstripes says he feels like he is in a Godzilla movie after listening to Jin and Sun speak Korean.  He tells Sidekick to go get Danny, who speaks their language (love).  I would think you would bring him in the first place, considering you are trying to track down Koreans.  Also, if you know they are Korean then saying you are in a Godzilla movie doesn’t make sense since those take place in Japan.

After some translation, Mobster is looking for the money.  Sun says she will get the money from her secret account.  In the meantime, they’ll take Jin to the restaurant and make him breakfast.  At the bank, Sun is distraught to learn her secret account was closed.  Turns out her dad closed it down.  Sun wonders why he would do that.  Well, Sun, probably because you were about to go to America with your secret lover.   Not much of a secret account if your dad has access to it.

Meanwhile, Jin gets tied up in a walk in refrigerator.  Here we learn that the money was a fee to kill Jin.  Mobster tells Sidekick to go get the Arab.  Sidekick says “Hey. I’m Arab.”  “Yeah.  I know.  And it wasn’t racist or a slight, I was just trying to give you some detail on who I wanted you to go get. Stop being such a baby.”  Then Sidekick pouts out of the room.  Toothy Mobster finishes tying up Jin. After getting tied up Jin says thank you.  He must be part Canadian.

"Translators" would be an awesome spinoff from Lost.

While hanging out in the meat locker, Jin hears gunshots.  In what appears to be an attempt to get murdered, he starts kicking the door to draw attention to himself.  Sayid enters and looks calm.  He isn’t completely helpful as he was about to leave Jin in the meatlocker.  But after Jin says “free” the same way Ricardo said “I speak English” last week, Sayid hands him a little knife to cut himself out and says good luck.  Thanks Sayid, for being mediocre at helping.

Sun and the Other Translator show up to a room full of shot people.  Of course Toothy Mobster is still alive, which let’s Jin get the jump on Other Translator.  Jin telegraphs the sequence by telling Sun to stand away.  Of course she doesn’t listen.  Fight ensues.  Other Translator gets shot. Sun got shot and says that she is pregnant.  Jin breathes a sigh of relief.

On the island, we start with some deleted footage from One Night in Paris.  Jin finds himself as the sane person in the crazy house and is wrapping his leg.  Sad Day Monster comes over and tells him to let it breathe a little, it will help it heal.  Add Sad Day Monster to the list of people with better medical advice than Jack.  Sad Day Monster says Kwan is a name on the list and he needs all those names to leave the island together so he can leave.  That means that Jin and Sun need to leave together.  They’re on board.

Sayid is still tripping and Sad Day Monster comes by and leaves him in charge.  Sayid says he doesn’t feel anything.  Take another hit.  Maybe the stuff is just weak. He leaves Sayid in charge of the island while he’s gone (terrible idea).  Soon after High Sayid is in charge there is a nerd ambush and everyone gets darted.  The nerds were after Jin all along.

On another part of the island, Team Good Guys is relaxing.  Miles and the Air Captain are playing strip poker (clearly in the early rounds) and Illya says they all have to wait for Ricardo to come back.  Jack has a case of the green eyed monsters and thinks that is a ludicrous idea.  Someone insists that Hurley folowed him and will bring him back.  Miles says “unless he’s covered in bacon grease, Hurley isn’t catching up to him.” (chest bump with Miles). Captain says “Heeeeeeeeey… don’t talk about bacon.”  Even this guy won’t defend Hurley.

Sun falls victim to vintage Sad Day Monster.

Sun gets upset at all the fat jokes and storms off.  Jack follows her to a field.  He asks how the tomatoes are.  Well, Jack, since all you see are weeds I guess we can go ahead and make the leap that they aren’t doing so good.  Then Jack starts pestering Sun by asking her continually if she cares about being a candidate.  She says no and I agree with her.  Now go away, Jack so we can advance the plot some more and not have inane conversations about tomatoes.

Once Jack leaves, Sun cuts herself.  Right then Locke shows up and says “Having a bad day?”.  I figured that is why you showed up, Sad Day Monster.  Now turn into a raincloud and get over Sun (I think I just pitched a Jimmy Dean ad idea).  Sad Day Monster says he has found Jin and will reunite them.  Sun doesn’t believe him.  Sad Day Monster says I would never ask you do anything against your will, so ya know, just agree to it so we can’t get this done.  Sun sez nuts to that and books it into the woods.  He chases after her.  Too bad Sad Day Monster has that backpack, it really slows him down.  What’s in there anyway?  While Sun is looking over her shoulder and thinking the same thing her head goes bonk on a tree and she gets knocked out.  Sad Day Monster apparently thought “to hell with this” and rather than carrying her where he needs her to go, just leaves her be.  Linus finds Sun, who can’t speak English anymore (rolling eyes).

Sad Day Monster gets back to camp and has an uh-oh moment when he sees everyone is darted and sleeping.  He looks around and says “what is this, Jonestown?” but gets no reaction because everyone is still asleep.  He finds Sayid and slaps him awake and asks what happened.  Sayid has been enjoying the buzz from the tranquilizer and isn’t much help.  I tried to warn you that leaving Sayid in charge was a bad idea.

Meanwhile Jin wakes up on the set of Saw.  Whoever captured him forgot to tie him up so just walks around and starts throwing random switches.  Surprisingly throwing the switch in a room full of megaphones and a huge TV screen results in a bad feeling.  Nerd Librarian comes in and tells Jin this room was part of the Dharma initiative.  The Greg initiative is on the other side of the island (hey oooooh!).  Jin says he is leaving and before he get out the words “don’t taze me, bro” he gets tasered.  The Librarian needs to confirm that there are pockets of electromagnetism on the island.  Jin sez if you want me to talk then I want to talk to Charles Whitmore.  She says “good because he wants to talk to you.”  I say “Then why didn’t you just bring him down in the first place?”

Sad Day Monster is having buddy time with Sayid which makes Sawyer totes jealous.  Claire has a case of the saddies too.  She wants to know if she is on the list.  This suddenly turns into the final 5 minutes of an episode of Full House where Sad Day Monster portrays Danny Tanner and tells Stephanie (Claire) that she is special too.  Locke plans on using a boat to go to the other island with Sayid.  Someone asks what he needs a boat for and Sad Day Monster says that if he could just fly off the island, do you think he would still be here?  Sawyer’s response is a very sarcastic, “no that would be ridiculous.”  Right on, Sawyer.  I would have asked why he doesn’t just sail off the island then?

Sun is back with her group and, uh oh, Jack is tending to her.  Miles calls nonsense on Sun forgetting to speak English.  Are these comments in the script or have the actors finally had it with this show?  Anyway, Jack says Sun will be fine, so we can expect her to be dead in the next 45 minutes.  Ricardo shows up and announces to everyone “pack your bags!”  They don’t have bags to pack.  And if they did they should have changed clothes a long time ago because they’re starting to smell like sausage ran a marathon.

Sad Day Monster made it to the other island but has to stay outside the towers.  As is common practice on this island, a bunch of armed nerds jump out of the bushes.  Whitemore comes out and does a terrible job of lying when he says that Jin is not with him.  Sad Day Monster just walks away.

Ricardo’s reappearance spawns oodles of questions from everyone.  Ricardo lets them know that Sad Day Monster is on Hydra Island (who took the time to name it?) where Air Captain landed a plane (at the international airport).  And they’re going to stop them from leaving the island by blowing that plane up.  At this point Sun flips out and makes the very logical argument that she doesn’t care about saving the world, she just wants to go home with Jin.  Of course, it is in Korean so different people react different ways.  Ricardo just stares blankly.  Jack looks around like he is with a crazy girlfriend having a breakdown in the mall making shrugging gestures as if to say “what’s her deal.”  Hurley breaks the tension after her tirade by saying she doesn’t want to come with them.  Atta boy, Hurley.  Way to contribute.

Over in Jinland, Whitmore loses his cool on Nerd Librarian who points out that damnit Jim, she’s a geophysicist not a mercenary.  Whitmore seems uninterested in this distinction and tells her to bring the package from the sub to the infirmary.  I didn’t notice this before but this woman is the only female on the island and she is not entirely unattractive.  She’s like a real life Smurfette.  Jin and Whitmore say what up and fist bump.  Whitmore gives him Sun’s camera which has a bunch of photos of Jin and Sun’s daughter.  Jin has never met her and Whitmore says he has a daughter so he knows what it’s like.  No you don’t, Charles.  Don’t try to relate through a loose connection.  Whitmore then let’s Jin know that if Sad Day Monster leaves the island, everything ceases to be.  “It’s time you see the package.”  “What’s the package?” “It’s not a what. It’s a who.”  “… Ummmmm, I don’t… think I want to see it then…”

Sun is looking out at the ocean at night when Jack prances up.  Sun thinks “son of a b. I hope he doesn’t talk to me.”  Jack launches into a fake story about when he was learning to be a doctor.  He just says a lot of medically sounding things like residency and car crash.  It ends with him handing her a notebook and a pen and saying now you can write what you want to say.  I was really hoping she would write “go away, you’re not a doctor.”  She says she didn’t go with Sad Day Monster because she doesn’t trust him.  Jack asks if she trusts him.  She says yes.  Uh oh.  Jack promises he will help her find Jin.  Then he agrees to it as he agrees to all business deals.  By offering a sandy left hand.

Sawyer is back at camp and admits that if Locke is still alive, they are all boned.  Locke shows up and Sawyer curses.  Way to keep that poker face, chief.  Sad Day Monster says he doesn’t like secrets.  We then see Sayid emerging out of the water at night near the sub.  Two nerds are trying to carry one dude who is heavily sedated and keep dropping him.  Seriously nerds?  Haven’t you seen Weekend at Bernie’s?  Just tie your shoes to his shoes.  Anyway, that guy falls down and makes up close eye contact with Sayid.  Sayid gets jealous of whatever drugs that guy got.  They pick him up and keep moving.  I should probably know who that is, but I don’t.

Thoughts I have

• That V in the corner was terribly placed.  It blocked Sun’s notebook.  Way to go ABC.
• I wonder who that dude is.
• This show has really thrown off my perception of what a human can and cannot survive.
• Nice bagpipe rendition of Amazing Grace in next week’s preview.
• We’re in the double digits of episodes.  Big milestone.
  

  Milestone birthday! I hope I get a bike.

With a cover like that, how can you not read "Amor en la Isla de la Meurta".

I tell you what.  This is my favorite episode so far.  One plot line.  Not a lot happening.  Veeeery straightforward.  Sign me up for more of these.  Now, of course, the downside is since we didn’t get much done this hour we’re in for more ultra plot packed episodes in the future.  Sigh.

While we’re fist bumping the writers, they had a real nice recovery from last week’s misogyny episode.  This episode was clearly for the ladies.  It was like reading a Harlequin romance novel that had all the intimate parts edited out so it could be put in the school library.  Plus, no women were harmed in the making of this episode.  Good work, fellas. Unless this was a work of fan fiction.  Which I’m not entirely convinced it was not.  Eesh, that was a lot of negatives.

I’m gonna call Richard by the name he deserves, Ricardo.  Seems more fitting.  So without further ado, Ricardo’s episode; entitled, Amor en la Isla de la Muerta.

Overall What is Happening

Pretty simple stuff.  Ricardo has been alive since 1867.  The island is the cork on a bottle of evil wine.  Hurley is the grown up version of the kid from the Sixth Sense.

It’s kind of sad that that is considered simple.

More Detailed Episode Recap

We start with a lady with a seriously bandaged up face in a dank, rundown hospital.  Jacob walks up to her and starts speaking German.  Ouch for the German health care system.  I always thought the Germans were an efficient and hardworking people.  Apparently not.  Turns out Bandage Face is Illana.  She needs to protect 6 people.  She needs to protect the last of the candi-

We’re back on the island!  -dates.  Jack asks “candidates for what?”  Christ, Jack, how many times do we have to cover this?  I can remember 3 specific instances where someone explained to you that Jacob needs someone to take over protecting the island.  You should know this by now. Wake up.

You had no idea this whole blog was powered by a giant switch, did you?

Illana explains it to him, and says Ricardo will know what to do next.  Ricardo giggles.  No one else follows suit.  Apparently that is not what they were supposed to do next.  Ricardo seems surprised that Jack and Hurley didn’t tell them he tried to commit suicide.  I dunno, that seems pretty personal.  Ricardo says he will tell Jack a secret.  That he’s an idiot?  Nope.  That he is dead.  That they’re all dead.  And this is hell. Ooooooooooooooooh.  So that’s what this show is about.  Got it.  Guess we might as well shut this thing down.  It’s been fun.  Don’t worry, I’ll get the switch.  Wait, they’re still talking.  Oh, apparently there is more.

Someone proposes they stop listening to Jack and start listening to someone else.  That is honestly the best idea I have ever heard.  In fact, I would have proposed it as soon as he pitched the idea of detonating a nuke on a small island I was standing on.

Ricardo starts walking away.  They think they should go after him because he knows what to do next.  Jack gets all defensive and points out that Ricardo has lost his mind and thinks we’re all in hell.  I hope he is right that this is hell.  If the worst I can do in the afterlife is be on a tropical island with booze and some lady folk, then I might start sinning some more.  Doesn’t seem too shabby.  Heaven must be similar but you live on an ice cream sundae.

Meanwhile, Hurley is trying to order some Baja Fresh from the ocean and it isn’t going well.  Jack approaches him and asks what he is doing.  Hurley sez none of your beezwax.  Jack asks what Jacob is telling him.  Hurley lets him know he isn’t talking to Jacob and is has nothing to do with him.  Leave him alone.

Ben Killjoy pops in and says there is no reason to go after Ricardo.  They’ve known each other since he was 12.  And Richard hasn’t aged since.  Lucky for us.

Now that we got the obligatory 5 minutes of what is happening on the island out of the way, we get to watch Ricardo ride a horse and listen to the sound of 200,000 women all simultaneously high fiving each other.

Ricardo’s wife (Isabella) has a fever.  She coughs up some ketchup so Ricardo says he will go get the doctor.  Hopefully not Jack.  She gives him a necklace to give to the doctor.  She says “close your eyes and we’ll always be together.”  Except when you leave in 2 minutes.

The rider on the storm gets to Dr. Chickenwing’s house where, as his name might suggest, he is takin down some chicken wings.  He tells his Mutton Chop Butler to go get some blankets because Ricardo is soaking wet (easy, ladies).  The doctor asks how much money Ricardo has.  He starts handing the doctor a bunch of stuff until he hits a point where he says “now you have everything”.  He doesn’t have the love between you and Isabella, Ricardo.  He can never have that.  Dr. Chickenwing says that all the gold is nothing and he won’t help.  Quick, Ricardo, give him the love between you and Isabella!  I’m suspicious that whoever is behind this episode is in support of our new health care system.  And hates the Germans’.

Ricardo gets frustrated and starts rasslin with the doctor until the doc falls and hits his head on the table.  And here is a flaw with being the only doctor in town.  Now who’s gonna save him?  Ricardo makes a run for it while Mutton Chop Butler just watches him run right by.  What a terrible butler.  Ricardo gets back home and Isabella is dead already.  Oops.  Shouldn’t have stopped at that Arby’s on the way.  Some constables arrest Ricardo.

Ricardo is relaxing in the clink when Seedy Priest enters.  Ricardo has been teaching himself English by reading the Bible.  Good for him.  Learning a language isn’t easy.  Well, says Seedy Priest, it’s confession time.  Ricardo confesses murdering Dr. Chickenwing and asks for forgiveness. Seedy Priest says no.  BOOM!  Wait… I don’t think you can do that.  Granted, I’m a little rusty on my confession knowledge, but after 16 years in Catholic School I am pretty sure that genuine remorse is what you really need for forgiveness from God.  Seedy priest really needs to brush up.  He also says there is no time for penance cuz he’s aboutta get huuuung. This priest sucks.

On the way to the ropes, Seedy Priest and some dude are there waiting for Ricardo.  The dude asks if Ricardo speaka da english and Ricardo stares at him like he’s looking for a contact lens on his forehead.  This guy loses his patience and says hang him.  Ricardo speaks something akin to English, but it is barely understandable.  Hopefully, assimilationists in this country don’t see this episode and think that threatening hanging will get people to start speaking English instantly.  The Dude informs Ricardo that he is now property of Magnus Handsome (has to be a fake name).

We’re on a boat (on a boat) in the middle of a storm.  There’s some huuuuuge waves.  Ricardo and some other guys are chained up below.  The amount of space he has makes this seem like a Carnival cruise compared to the slave boats I learned about in middle school.  Ricardo asks his Buddy if he can see anything.  Out of nowhere Buddy ruins the surprise and says the devil is guarding the island.  At least I put a spoiler alert every week.  Then we have a case of the uh-ohs and the boat goes smack into an ancient Egyptian statue (how’d it get there?).

Hey!  This is the boat from a couple episodes ago!  When Ricardo tried to blow himself up.  Wait, why did they have dynamite on a slave ship?  And how is it still working after 140 years?  And how is the boat not more decayed after 140 years?  I thought we were supposed to be getting answers this season.  Now I just have more questions.

Regardless, slave nap time ends and everyone pops up expecting milk and cookies.  We hear that Captain Handsome has died and they are stranded in the middle of nowhere.  One of the surviving crew members does the only sensible thing.  He starts offing slaves.  I don’t usually condone murder, but this guy does have a good point.  Although, he could do something more quick and painless than stabbing people in the gut.  As seems to be the case for all deaths in this show, now they have to die the most slow, agonizing death possible.  Of course all the slaves did the high school theatre move of instantly dying.

Just before giving Ricardo the ol’ non-consensual stabbing, there is some clattering up top.  Other colonials start vanishing left and right.  Some red paint falls on the Stabbers head and then Sad Day Monster comes in and destroys him.  Sad Day Monster then slowly descends the stairs and has a bad case of the tummy gurgles.  Get some Pepto, Sad Day Monster.  He approaches Ricardo, takes some flash photography then hits the bricks.

For what feels like an eternity we watch Ricardo try to escape from his chains.  Sad Day Monster rains (I hope that was rain) on him a bit.  Ricardo takes a nap.  I try to keep this g rated, so I will tread lightly.  When he wakes up there is a pig with his head buried in the crotch of one of the slaves.  Not sure what it is doing, but too bad for the slave he is dead.

Isabella shows up.  She informs Ricardo they are dead.  And in hell.  They hear some noises, Ricardo tells her to go away.  She gets beat up.  I forgot about this part.  Maybe I jumped the gun on the no women were harmed in this episode thing above.  She is a ghost though, so we’ll let it ride.

Some really modern looking dude comes in and gets Ricardo some water.  He claims he has her and will give her back if he helps him out.  Ricardo agrees.  Modern Guy says the only way to escape hell is to kill the devil. Wonder why nobody has tried that yet.

While Ricardo nom nom noms on some bacon, Modern Guy tells him that there is a statue on the other side of the island and that is where the devil is.  I decided to take a break from a devil is in the details comment this week.  Modern Guy takes out a knife and goes through the instructions on how to kill Jacob.  He needs to stab him in the chest and not let him talk.  I remember when Toga gave that explanation.  Oh Toga, how I miss you.

Sad Day Monster is so much kewler than Black Smoke and he knows it.

Modern Guy explains that he is the black smoke (the what? Oh, you mean Sad Day Monster).  That he does not have Isabella but the devil does.  He took his body, his humanity.  He asks Ricardo if he ever wants to see his wife again.  He shrugs and says sure.  Time for some murderin.

Ricardo gets to the beach and… wait a minute… I think that is the foot from the intro to the first episode that got all the way to the bottom of the ocean!  How’d it get there?  While I was trying to figure this out Ricardo promptly gets the hell beaten out of him.  Ricardo asks Jacob where his wife is.  He then admits she is dead.  Jacob asks them why he is asking where his wife is then.  Man, Ricardo must feel like an idiot.  It doesn’t stop there.  When Ricardo admits that he thinks he is dead, Jacob goes high school bully on him and starts dunking his head in the water and yelling “you want to be dead?”  Ricardo says he wants to live and Jacob throws him back on the beach and tells him that is the most sensible thing he has said all day.  Ouch.  Not a feel good day for Ricardo.

Jacob tells Ricardo they need to talk and grabs some wine.  Ricardo asks if he can go in.  Jacob says no one comes in unless I invite them.  Then there is a little pause with a stare.  We’re still talking about your house, right Jacob?

Jacob admits he brought Ricardo’s boat here.  He starts explaining how the wine is evil (but delicious) and swirling around trying to escape the bottle.  The cork is the only thing that keeps it where it belongs and this island is the cork.  Thank God he had that wine laying around otherwise I don’t know how he would have described that.  It’s probably just demonstration wine.  The Modern Guy and Jacob are in a chess match where they are trying to prove people are good or evil.  Like a high stakes version of Trading Places.  Richard gets a gig as an intermediary between the two.  Jacob asks what he wants in return.  “I want Isabella back.” “No dice.” “I want my sins absolved.”  “Nuh uh.  No way.”  “I want to live forever.”  “Donezo.”  What?  Is there a menu he can choose from?  He might be leaving a lot of good stuff behind door #3.

Ricardo goes back to Modern Guy and hands him a white rock.  OMGZ! I think that is the rock that Sad Day Monster threw into the ocean a few episodes ago and said it was an inside joke.  If that’s the case, then these writers need to work on the order that inside jokes occur.  It’s hard to reference an inside joke that hasn’t happened.  Modern Guy says that he will never see his wife again if he goes with Jacob.  But his offer still stands in case he ever changes his mind.  Not a good negotiating tactic.  Usually you want to offer as little time as possible.  That’s how I ended up with my Magic Bullet.  Modern Guy hands him Isabella’s necklace then disappears.  Ricardo then… buries it?  I don’t know, buddy, you should probably hang on to that.

Back to the boring island, Ricardo goes to the same spot and digs up the necklace.  Wow.  I’m amazed that after 140 years a necklace has remained buried under 4 inches of mulch in the same spot on a tropical island that no doubt has some vicious storms, like the one that brought the boat there in the first place.  These writers love cashing in their credibility chips on some minor things.  Ricardo begins screaming that he wants to take the offer and wants to know if the offer still stands.

Hurley comes rumblin through the woods to ask what offer.  Ricardo is all upset that he followed him.  Hurley says that Isabella sent him to follow Ricardo and she wants to know why he buried her necklace.  Yeah, me too.  Hurley tells Ricardo she is standing right next to him and that he will tell Ricardo what she says.  We see her.  Woof.  Ricardo could have done a lot better. She tells him his English is magnificent in Spanish.  Hurley says “She says you’re English is awesome, dude.”  Well that’s great Hurley, let’s just undercut the beauty of what she said with your lazy American English.  She tells Ricardo to close his eyes and that it wasn’t his fault she died, it was her time. They have a nice moment while Hurley mouth-breaths ten feet away.  I think it’s about time to nickname Hurley “Tricycle” since he is always the third wheel.

She disappears and Hurley says there was one more thing.  Ricardo has to keep the men in black from leaving the island, otherwise they go to hell.  Zoom out. Looooooooooooocke.  The End.

Wait.  It’s not over?  That was a perfect ending.  Alright, I guess we have Jacob and Modern Guy talking in the past.  Modern Guy admits he wants to kill Jacob so he can leave the island, but Jacob won’t let him do that.  Jacob says, here’s something to pass the time and hands him wine.  This is how alcoholism happens, Jacob.  Modern Guy decides to instead pass his time with an obvious metaphor and smashes the bottle on a log.  Oooooooooh.  I get it.

Thoughts I have

• The guy who plays Ricardo is a really good actor.
• I’m getting some of the references and jokes within this season!  I feel like a Losty!  That’s what you call someone who likes Lost, right?  A Losty?  Am I spelling it right?
• That foot in the ocean had the lamest payout I have ever encountered.  That thing better come back and mean something.

The inscription loosely translates to "needless".

This was supposed to be an emo kid. But I think I just drew a blind robber.

A little behind the scenes of Never Seen Lost.  Typically I scan the pictures in at work.  I’m going on vacation today so I am updating from home.  I found an old drawing pad to do the drawings and found some stuff I drew in high school.  Yikes.  I think I might have been EMO before it was cool.  That of course, is assuming that EMO is cool.  And, ya know, before it involved wearing all black and make up.  I don’t think I know what EMO is.

You can tell I couldn’t think of anything else to write here, can’t you?  You can?  :-/  Well, let’s get started then.

Overall What is Happening
Misogyny. That’s what. In various forms. That apparently was the theme of this week. But we’ll get to that in the details. Cuz that’s where the devil is.

In other news, this show is not about a plane crash. There’s another island that has a really impressive research facility. A bunch of other people live there and have a plane and a submarine. Frankly I have no idea how that plane landed without anything remotely resembling a runway. Maybe that is what they mean when they say “crash”; A landing on a short runway. Hang on. K, just got back from dictionary.com. Crash doesn’t mean “landing on a short runway”. I thought maybe I had figured out how so many people got to these islands through so many “crashes”. Back to the drawing board.

Also, Sawyer apparently didn’t leave the island.  Contrary to what I have been saying the last few weeks.  And Jin is still around.  I had no idea what happened to him. Good to see he is still alive.

More Detailed Episode Recap

Off the island, we open up with Sawyer wrapping up a set of push-ups in bed.  The woman who was counting his reps reminds him he was supposed to meet a guy in 20 minutes.  Quite a night Sawyer has planned.  Sawyer drops his briefcase and a bunch of cash falls out.  The lady ain’t fooled and accuses Sawyer of grifting.  Avoiding any logical progression, she pulls a gun on him.  Sawyer sez “I’m a cop.”  Then he proves it by calling for Miles. I’m rusty on my law knowledge, particularly in the area of entrapment, but it seems like intercoursing with a target in a sting operation will make all of that evidence called into question.  It just seems really unethical when he could have easily dropped the briefcase before gettin’ down.

Back at his desk, we see how boring police work can be as Sawyer is random calling people to find out if they were in Alabama in 1976.  Miles comes back and busts up the monotony by telling Sawyer he is going on a date.  Not taking no for an answer he starts to question whether Sawyer wants to spend his life alone.  Sawyer doesn’t share his real answer, which is “yes, I am knocking boots with women left and right.  Why would I want that to end?”

At a swanky lounge, Sawyer calls up Miles who this chick is he is supposed to meet.  Usually that is a detail you get before the blind date.  Miles says she is the redhead.  That explains why Miles never said anything.  Sawyer approaches her and we find out it is Nicole Kidman. She says she is an archeologist.  Sawyer, having no frame of reference beyond TV and film, asks if she is like Indiana Jones.  She responds “I’m exactly like Indiana Jones.  I even have male genitalia.”  Sawyer calls her bluff and wins.

Sawyer, fulfilling a censor requirement to show one act of non-hate towards women in the episode offers to get Nicole Kidman a glass of water.  She asks for a t-shirt.  Sawyer tells her to look in the top drawer.  While looking for a Rabbitohs t-shirt (gotta be loyal to your team) and trying to figure out why there were only pairs of jeans in this drawer and no t-shirts, she comes across a file labeled “Sawyer”.  Inside is a story about a murder suicide.  Sawyer comes back and flips OUT and starts yellling “WHAT DID YOU SEE!?!?!1?”  Only what you left easily found, chief. He tells her to get the H-E-double-hockeysticks out.   That’ll teach her.  Saywer is left confused and angry at how someone found his file that was randomly sitting in the drawer that he sent someone to in order to find something that was not readily available in the drawer and required some digging.  Got it?  Me neither.

While casually walking through the police station with a look of self satisfaction at treating an innocent Australian women so horribly, Miles confronts him and takes him where any dispute between dudes should happen, the locker room (Top Gun, anyone? I’m gonna pass but thought I should at least offer).  Miles is all like “what did you do?”  “She looked in the wrong drawer.”  Well… no… she didn’t.  You said the top drawer and that is exactly where she looked.  I also don’t think that excuses your behavior.  “What were you doing in Australia?!”  What?  Oh… So, we’re not confronting him about the da- “You said you were in Palm Springs!”  Ok, Miles, I’ll drop it.

Miles, not to be outdone in the unethical department, ran a check on Sawyer’s credit card and found out he went to Australia.  Even though he told Miles he went to Palm Springs.  I don’t know how Sawyer pulled that off.  Australia ain’t exactly a short jaunt away.  Also, who cares if Sawyer goes to Australia?  It’s his own darn business.  Miles disagrees.  He doesn’t trust Sawyer anymore.  He had no problem with him coercing women into sex as part of a police operation while an entire swat team was listening in from a van or yelling at one of his dad’s coworkers and verbally threatening her after making sex because she was looking in a drawer he directed her to; But lying that he was in Australia instead of Palm Springs… Not cool, bro.  Not cool. Miles breaks up with Sawyer and Sawyer punches a mirror.  He probably had a Fight Club moment and just wanted to destroy something beautiful.

Sawyer gets home from a hard day of copping and decides to relax the only way he knows how; with a beer, a Hungry-Man dinner, and Little House on the Prairie.  As tends to happen when mixing this combination, Sawyer has a revelation. He has a little more liquid courage and heads over to Nicole Kidman’s aparment (how’d he get the address?) with a six pack and a sunflower.  His checklist likely looked something like this: Step 1- Get six pack and sunflower.  Step 2- Knock on door.  Step 3- Say “I have a six pack and a sunflower.  Wanna do it?” Step 4- Do it.

Unfortunately for his four step plan, Nicole ain’t havin’ it.  She tells him she doesn’t care if he is sorry, what he did was unacceptable and he can kindly go fly a kite.  She shuts the door on him.  Sawyer leaves the sunflower by her door but the beers are coming with him.

His super power is wooing the ladies.

The next day, Sawyer lures Miles into his car by promising him kittens.  Miles gets in and Sawyer makes an Emmy run of his own by telling him why he has been so grouchy.  He tells him that Sawyer is a grifter… Wait.  Who led to his parents being a two person murder suicide.  No wait.  Miles asks who Sawyer is.  Oh good, Miles asked for me.  His name is Anthony Cooper.  Sawyer (?) had a lead on him in Australia.  Once Sawyer finds Sawyer he will kill him.  Ok.  So I get this in premise.  Sawyer is just a really poorly named real world version of Batman.  Sawyer ruined your life so you asked everyone to call you Sawyer?  Fine dude.  Whatever. At least Batman named himself after his biggest fear not related to his parent’s death.

While in the car this other car smashes into it.  No problem though.  Everyone is fine.  A girl in a hood who is obviously Kate runs away.  Sawyer catches her and throws her against a fence and gets all weird and creepy.  Protocol says he gets to be intimate with her, so maybe that is why he is so happy.

Back on the island, Sawyer heats up some of his own urine to trick Jin into drinking it.  Not a very cool prank.  Jin, still making sense, says they need to get out of there.  Sawyer lets Jin know he is with Locke now.  Jin can’t leave cuz his Old Lady is still on the island (blaming women for not allowing escape, chalk up another one).  Sawyer promises he will not leave Jin’s wife.  Sorry to ruin the future of this show, but you can bet dollars to donuts that this is coming back into play later.

Claire is continuing her mental drive through Insanity Township (they have a Big Boy!) by tending to her skull baby.  Kate asks if this is where she has been living then what up with that creepy skull baby.  Claire says the baby is all she had.  Don’t forget the crappy shanty made of sticks, Claire.  Sad Day Monster shows some compassion and boringness by filling everyone in on the days events.  Claire holds Kate’s hand and flirts with her a bit.  Niiiiiiice.

Sawyer asks Locke when they’re getting off the island.  Great question.  I thought he left already.  Locke asks that they discuss privately.  Locke admits he’s the Sad Day Monster and has a special mission for Sawyer.  Go to Hydra island.  Since that is where his buddies landed and there might be some people over there and do some recon.  Like I said, this show is not about a plane crash.  My advice to Sawyer; Go there.  Get the plane.  Fly it away.

On the island there is a totally dope office complex.  It also has huge cages.  Sawyer finds a dress and gets all emotional.  He probably misses watching Laura Ingalls.

Back on the other island, Sayid’s been licking toads and is completely mellow.  Kate tries to make some small talk and Claire attacks her with a knife.  Locke throws Claire off of her.  Kate doesn’t understand how guns work so she holds one like a baseball bat to protect herself.  Locke smacks Claire in the face.  Hard.  Claire calms down.  Fellas, don’t take this as a lesson in conflict resolution.

Sawyer finds the plane he was looking for.  It’s huge and looks like it landed perfectly with only 200 yards to slow down after touchdown. There’s stuff scattered everywhere and I think they are filming a Capital One and Bud Light commercial on this same set later today.  Sawyer follows a beverage cart trail and comes across a pile of passed out drunks.  They smell terrible.  There’s a rustle.  Sawyer turns to see what it is.  Turns out it’s a nerdy librarian.  And she’s the only one left.  That means it’s up to them to repopulate the Earth.  Coulda done a lot worse, Sawyer.

Her name is Zoey.  She knew everyone on her plane.  She asks Sawyer what plane he came in on and he says “long story”.  In fact, to this point, we’re about 8 hours into it and he still hasn’t gotten to that portion of the story.  We learn that Zoey was on a plane crash and waiting to be rescued.  She was out collecting wood (easy, Sawyer) and heard screaming.  When she got back they were all dead.  She asks Sawyer some questions like did everyone come from the same plane crash to which Sawyer answers no.  I would be shocked if I were her.  In fact, I am shocked.  What do you mean you were on different planes?  So we’re talking at lease three crashes at this point all within a 10 mile radius of one another in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.  Come. On.   She asks how many people there are, if they have guns, etc.  Sawyer asks where she was headed.  She says Guam. “Why?”  “To see my boyfriend.” “Liar. No way you have a boyfriend.” Ouch.  I feel bad for this girl that the concept of her having a boyfriend completely exposed her as a fraud.    She whistles and a bunch of nerds with guns pop out of the bushes and capture Sawyer.  He asks nerd librarian if her name was really Zoey.  She asks if his is really Sawyer.  Unfortunately for me, he doesn’t answer.  But I think the answer is no.

Yay! Sad Day Monster's mom made us cookies! Thanks, Mrs. Sad Day Monster!

Sad Day Monster finds Kate and takes blame for Claire being crazy.  Kate and Locke have a nice moment looking out on the other island.  Kate says they were the islands where they were locked in cages.  Ok. Locke then says that he had a mom once.  She went crazy.  He’s trying to work through Growing Pains (I dunno, Locke, I find the show entertaining).  Kate wants to know why he is telling her this.  He says because Aaron has a crazy mother too.  Damn right he does.

As they’re escorting Sawyer through the woods we find more nerds setting up a colorful mallet. There are nerds all over the place on this island.  They take Sawyer to the submarine ride at Disneyworld and tell him to get in.  I don’t know if Sawyer has ever been on this ride, but it is a delight.  It blew my mind later on when I found out that it didn’t actually go underwater.  Although that is probably a much safer and efficient way to do the ride.

Sawyer meets with an older dude named Charles Woodball.  Chaz says he wants to kill Sad Day Monster.  Sawyer says he will help as long as his buddies don’t get hurt and he gets to go home.  Charles agrees.  “And why should I trust you.” “For the same reason I trust you.”  Hey guys, can you tell me what that is?  I have no way of knowing.  No? Cool.

Claire finds Kate and apologizes.  Kate let’s Claire hug her.  That’s it, just letting you know.

Sawyer gets back to the other island where Locke sprightly runs out to help dock the boat.  Apparently Locke knows Charles Whitmore and apparently his last name is Whitmore.  Sawyer, being a terrible liar (contrary to Locke’s praise earlier) spills the beans on the deal he made on Nerd Island.  Sad Day Monster asks why he is telling him this.  “A deal is a deal.”  Didn’t you just make a deal with Charles?  It’s fine if you did, I just want to be clear that you can’t use that as your excuse if you are going to go back on another separate deal.

That night, Kate is bored so she decides to play with fire.  Sawyer approaches and makes a joke about her cooking (misogyny).  Sawyer, proving he loves to over share, tells Kate everything about the other island.  He says he’ll let them fight it out and the two of them will escape.  Not in the plane, but in the submarine.  The episode ends before we hear Kate’s response of “That’s the worst plan I’ve ever heard.  You think you can drive a submarine? Idiot.”

Thoughts I Have

• Sawyer is a terrible police office.  Remember when he saw Kate in the elevator at the airport and helped her escape?  What up with that?
• How many Australians are living in Los Angeles?  They’re everywhere.
• Gold star for anyone who gets that Fight Club reference above.
• This plane with no runway thing is the first time in this show that I haven’t believed something they did.  I can get on board with a malicious rain cloud, but this plane that somehow is perfectly intact sitting on this island with no signs of having landed is where I stop believing (sorry Journey).

Alright. I'll leave it alone now.

That "Oops" file is getting pretty full, Bad Genie.

This week’s lesson is “Be careful what you wish for”.  The last couple weeks I’ve had a hard time keeping up because so much was happening in each episode.  I was hoping it would slow down a bit.  Then it’s like an incompetent Genie heard my wish and made it happen.  Although, since he is incompetent, he made an episode where we got two story lines where the same thing happens in both and it’s really boring.  Incompetent Genie needs to file this one in the bad-over-delivery-on-a-wish file.

The other theory here is that the writers, in a scramble to wrap up the season, crammed as much as they could in the last two episodes.  Then they realized they still have 5 episodes left and have explained everything already.  So now we get 4 episodes of everyone just kinda hanging out, waiting for the final conflict.  Ruh-roh, Shaggy, this could be a long 4 episode stretch.

Overall What is Happening

Not a lot.  We get Ben this week which should have been red flag number one. We learn some truths about him:
1) He is power hungry wherever he goes
2) He will do whatever John Locke tells him to.  Even if John Locke is being portrayed by the Sad Day Monster.
3) He’s a dork.
4) Despite being power hungry he goes with what is “right”.  Even though right isn’t necessarily better.  And is only created because he does some real shady stuff.
5) There’s not a lot of fun in his life.

Seriously.  That’s it.  Oh, and Richard showed back up.  So that’s cool.

More Detailed Episode Recap

We get to follow Ben at school where we get a nice reminder that Napoleon was exiled to Elba.  Ben says that the loss of his power was worse than death.  He didn’t get to make the point that the years of poisoning that eventually did kill him was worse than losing his power.  I provide History lessons (or really old conspiracy theories) at no extra charge.

After class Ben is minding his own bidniss when Dr. Jerry Hathaway from Real Genius (!) approaches him.  He goes by Principal Reynolds, but I’m not fooled.  I’m gonna keep calling him Jerry (“Don’t call me Jerry.” “Sorry, Jerry.” “Kent, you’re doing it again.”)  Huh? What?  Sorry, blacked out there, back to Real Genius.  Wait, no, Lost.  So Jerry is in full on jerk mode and assigns Ben to be head of detention this week.  As he walks away, Jerry calls him Mr. Linus.  Ben corrects him by saying “It’s Dr. Linus”. No one cares.

Ben starts complaining to the sloppy science teacher.  He points out that Jerry is more an administrator than a teacher and can’t run this school.  Eavesdrop Magee (John Locke) butts in and says “you be principal then”.  His argument is based on watching him flip out on a coffee machine and rant about hating the current principal.  That’s all he needs to entrust the school to someone with no experience.  Ben complains that no one would listen to him.  John says he would.  I say I would not.

That night Ben making TV dinner for his dad who is hooked up to an oxygen tank.  Ben is complaining that he got a Doctorate in Modern European History but now all he does is babysit losers.  Yep.  That sounds like the correct career path with that degree.  Ben says he might be the biggest loser of all.  Yep.  Sounds about right.  Not sure where all this clairvoyance came from on, but no arguments here.

As his dad is going on a pill induced rant about an island and how it could have made Ben a non-nerd, there is a knock at the door.  Ben answers and it is an attractive 22 year old student of his from the high school (Alex).  She wants to know why he missed history club.  He had to watch detention.  Alex is dropping serious clues that she wants to end up on the news for indiscretions.  Ben doesn’t see it.  She finally asks if he will help her study (note that she has books with her).  Ben says “sure, meet you in the library at 7am.” She says OK and leaves.  For her, that had to be a worst case scenario.  She came over hoping to seduce her teacher and now she has to meet him in the library at 7am.  Bummer.

The next day Alex is pretending to care about studying but she can’t focus because she is trying to figure out how to catch Ben in her romance trap.  She starts complaining about how she’ll never get into Yale and maybe not even college.  Ben says he believes in her.  She tries again to make a pass at Ben by referring to Jerry as “that pervert Reynolds”.  He asks what happened.  She says she went to go take a nap in the nurse’s office and when she woke up there was some freaky deaky activities happening in the other room between Jerry and the Nurse.  Ben, in his time with this 22 year old girl, has already proven he doesn’t believe in consensual sex between adults, so he is outraged.  Oh, and Alex needs a recommendation from Jerry to get into Yale.

Ben takes his newfound knowledge to the Sloppy Science Teacher who is flunkin’ kids left and right.  Ben propositions him with hacking Jerry’s e-mail so he can become principal.  I don’t think this was what Locke had in mind when he pitched this concept.  After a little negotiation, he agrees to it.  Then Sloppy Science Teacher says “You had me fooled with the sweatervest.  You’re a real killer.”  I don’t know what the LOST writers have against sweatervests, but I love them and would appreciate it if they would take a break from dressing weird creepy kids in them or implying that all of Ben’s weinerism comes from it.

Ben goes to confront Jerry.  30 emails over 3 months.  You retire, ask that I become your successor.  Jerry says, what about this.  He shows him a computer with an e-mail on it.  I don’t think the school has updated their e-mail interface since 1997 because Holy Lord that font is big.  It’s a note from Alex saying “can you write me a recommendation to Yale?”  Tip for the high schoolers reading this blog: Ask for a recommendation in person, not through e-mail.  Anyway, Jerry says the choice is yours, Ben.  Either you knock this nonsense off or I destroy this girl’s future.  BOOM!

Ben chickens out. He put the needs of one student he has the hots for over helping an entire school full of kids.  Somewhere in Italy Machiavelli is now face down in his grave (he was on his back before).  Alex thanks Jerry for the dope reco.  Ben gets out of detention duty so History Club is back! w00t!  As he leaves the office he runs into Sloppy Science Teacher who asks if he did it.  Ben replies “No, I didn’t.  But the federal government is looking for you on computer fraud charges. They take that stuff pretty seriously. Good luck.”

Checking in on Machievelli. Nice view of Italy on the surface.

On the island of love, Ben is running through the forest and comes across the remnants of Team Jacob + Miles.  Illya (?) is totes suspicious of Ben.  She asks Miles if he can talk to dead people.  Miles says not technically forgetting that there is really no technical way to talk to the dead.  He can, however, pick up some last vibes.  Illya hands Miles a sack full of Jacob to find out what happened.  He says Ben stabbed him dead.  No one likes Ben anymore.

They get to the beach where they find some wreckage.  Cool, this is a show about a plane crash then.  Illya says she’ll build a shelter, some people get food and build a fire.  Miles says “oh sure, because fire will fix everything.”  Miles and I high-five.  Ben tries to defend himself by accusing Miles of trying to blackmail him before.  Not cool, Ben.  Sea Captain tells Ben he sucks at making friends.

Later, the Asian Lady tells Illya she needs to find Jin.  Illya tells us what we all know, which is that one of the Kwans is a candidate to take over for Jacob on the island.  But here’s the shocker: There’s only 6 more candidates left! (cue game show music)

We rejoin the Jack and Hurley adventure to find Hurley dreaming about cheese curds.  Really?  This is just getting mean, LOST writers.  Jack wakes him up and says they need to get back to the temple.  Hurley says he wants to eat (c’mon).  Jack says they’ll eat on the way.  I assume there’s a Hardee’s on the island that Jack is referring to.  Richard pops out from the bushes.  Jack asks where he came from.  Richard says the wouldn’t believe him yet.  Great.  Jack says he’ll follow him to the temple.  Hurley makes excuses about trusting him.  Jack says “At least he’s not Stalin.”  Good point.

Turns out Sea Captain is an Air Captain and was supposed to fly one of the planes that crashed.  But he overslept.  And he ended up on the island anyway.  Illya comes over and takes Ben at gunpoint over to another area.  She tells him to start digging.  He says “digging what”.  She says “A Grave.”  “Whose?” “Yours.” “Cool, I’ll get right on that.”  I dunno if I agree with Ben philosophically on this one. If someone wanted to shoot me I would make them dig the grave.  Why make their life any easier, right?

Ben is making some good headway with a really crappy shovel.  Miles comes over and starts giving him guff.  Ben tries to bribe him to help him out.  Miles says he doesn’t need money cuz there’s some diamonds buried there.  Ben thought Jacob wanted to die, Miles informs him he is wrong.  That Jacob hoped he was wrong about Ben.  I don’t know why, but Miles really hates Ben. Wait.  He’s heard him talk.  Nevermind, I know why.

Hurley asks Richard if he was time traveling (weird question) since he looks the same now as he did thirty years ago.  Richard says it’s because Jacob gave him a gift (probably make up).  There’s a little tift because Richard lied and didn’t take them to the temple because everyone is dead.  He says he needs to die.  Get this guy some Zoloft.

Richard goes into what I assume to be Noah’s ark.  He’s in there snooping around and Jack comes in.  All the ladies hope this turns into a shirtless push up contest.  Then Hurley shows up and ruins the fun.  Richard says he needs to die but can’t kill himself.  He could never destroy something so handsome.  Apparently Jacob touches you and you get superpowers.  Richard was part of a plan, but if Jacob is dead, then there is no plan and he might as well blow himself up.  I’m not a passenger on his logic train, but there’s nothing I can do to stop him.  Jack says nonsense and lights the fuse on dynamite and sits with him.  Jack’s theory is that somehow he will survive this because he is supposed to be alive.  Hurley freaks out.  He says he’ll be a mile away if anyone needs him.  They must be near a hill he intends to roll down.

Just as the dynamite is about to go boom, the fuse blows out.  Jack says “wanna try another stick?”  Ummmmm…  Is LOST turning into a gay porn?  It’s fine if it is, I just want to know because then I’ll go ahead and shut this blog down.

Ben has dug a really deep hole at this point.  He must want to get buried standing up.  Sad Day Monster shows up and tells Ben he’s getting a dance crew together to get out of dodge.  Here’s how you can join us and undoes his little leg clasp.  Ben makes a break for it and Illya does a terrible job chasing him.  He gets to a rifle and makes Illya drop hers.  He just wants to explain.

Ben's Emmy. Or did I just draw a Golden Globe?

I have transcribed his speech: “I knows what you’re feeling.  I watched my daughter die, it was my fault.  I had a chance to save her but I chose the island over her all in the name of Jacob.  I sacrificed everything for him and he didn’t even care.  I stabbed Jacob. I was so mad and confused and terrified.  I thought I was going to lose my power.  The thing that really mattered was already gone.  I’m sorry I killed Jacob, I didn’t expect you to forgive me because I never was able to forgive myself. I want to leave… [Locke] is the only one who will have me.”  Get that man an Emmy (wipes away tear).

Illya says she will have him.  Aaaaaaw.  Ben goes back with her.  It was super awkward when they got back. No one likes Ben.  I was kinda hoping Air Captain would shoot him on sight.

Team Jacob is relaxin’ on the beach.  Not to be outdone by my Toga montage from last week, the LOST writers did a montage of their own.  In this one, Jack, Richard, and Hurley come around the corner to the folks on the beach.  Asian Lady and Hurley run to hug each, which I’m sure Hurley’s knees did not enjoy.  Everyone is slapping fives and giving hugs.  Ben still has his shirt tucked in for some unknown reason.  We’re getting really close to the 60′s style beach party we’ve all been hoping for.

There’s a submarine off shore.  One guy tells another guy there’s people on the beach.  The other guy says “proceed as planned”.  Guess we found the villain in our 60′s beach party movie.

Thoughts I Have

• Leonard Cohen was in the soundtrack for next week’s preview. I highly recommend him.
• Just me or did Hurley’s hair seem about 4 inches longer than the last time we saw him.
• Speaking of Hurley, the LOST writers are really mean to him about his weight.
  

  Behind the scenes of LOST.

When I went to start last night’s episode I noticed Said was spelled Sayid in the cable guide description.  Fine.  I was using the spelling a college friend uses, but it’s their show so I am going to honor their wishes by adding another letter in there.  I’m not counting this on my ignorance tally.  It’s pretty high already.

The movie poster for the Ballad of Sayid has him fighting a dragon on top of a mountain.

This week we’re given a nice break from all the meaningful activity on the island.  Sure, we could talk about the fact that Sawyer already left.  We could talk about how Jack and Hurley are with Jacob and that Jack is clearly the frontrunner in Bachelorette: Maiden Voyage.  Perhaps we could discuss Jin’s current status since when we last saw him he was severely wounded with Claire.  Or maybe, just maybe, we could spend 50 minutes learning Sayid is a bad person.  We’re going with the last one.  Not my choice.  I only suggested it because I was running out of other ideas.  But, as mentioned above, not my show.  So on to the Ballad of Sayid…

Overall What is Happening

This week’s episode was a great example of why dominoes are so awesome but also don’t seem worth the trouble.  The last ten minutes are nothing but action with the Sad Day Monster going into Raincloud Mode and bustin’ skulls.  There was adventure, murders (one sad, one not), and intrigue.  The problem is it took 350 minutes (including ads) to get to this 10.  It’s like setting up dominoes.  You spend all that time and energy setting something up, you push the first one and then 10 minutes later your hours of work are over.  Just remember to record it so you can put it on Youtube.

The island makes sense this week.  Sad Day Monster gets to the temple, uses Claire and Sayid to deliver his message then delivers on his promises to beat the bag out of everyone.  That’s how you get stuff done.

I think I covered this already, but Sayid is a bad person.  We get to learn this on land and… well… land since I guess the island is land.  In Snoozeville and on the island is more accurate. We learn this through his repeated thirst for blood and get to see him turn into a killing machine.

More Detailed Episode Recap

In civilization, Sayid takes a cab to his bro’s house (Omar).  Because he loves awkwardness and hates the bonds of marriage, he brings his sister-in-law (Nadia) flowers.  Everyone is enjoying a nice family dinner when Sayid’s niece and nephew misbehave, nag him for presents, and are excused from dinner so they can get their presents from Sayid’s stuff in the next room.  While at dinner, Omar gets a phone call and declares dinner is over.  Seems a little unfair that he gets to make those decrees, but it’s his house.  Nadia and Sayid talk about some letters she sent him.  Impeccably timed, the kids finally return with boomerangs.  I don’t know why it took them so long to find those, but it did.  And while they were snooping they found a picture of Nadia in Sayid’s bag.  Between the kid’s rudeness in going through someone else’s things, Omar’s dictating meals, and Nadia and Sayid trying to get freaky, I think we can safely say this is a broken home.

That night Omar sneaks up on Sayid while he is sleeping on a couch despite the fact that the house is pretty well sized and they probably have three unoccupied bedrooms.  Omar took out some loans from some dude and now that dude is demanding a monthly fee even though Omar has paid them back.  Sigh.  C’mon, Omar.  You’re better than that.  Omar asks Sayid to go rough up the guy Omar borrowed from.  OK, maybe Omar isn’t better than that.  Sayid says no thanks, he is not that man anymore.  Now he is just the kind of man who tries to sleep with his sister-in-law.

Sayid's niece and nephew also found this in his suitcase.

Sayid walks the kids to the bus stop so he can get the inside scoop on their mom and whether she is interested. They say “for sure”. Meanwhile, Omar gets beaten up by the loan sharks.  Or Sayid’s goons.  We’re not sure yet.  Sayid goes to pick fights with the loan sharks until Nadia pleads that he doesn’t.  She asks him to stay at home and wait for the kids.  They just left for school so he should have a solid 6 hours of alone time to go find these guys.  He doesn’t though.  Instead he takes his rage out on the various vases they have in their home and then blames the kids for it.

Sayid is gluing one of the vases together when Nadia gets home.  She says that Omar is out of surgery and awake.  A perfect time to leave someone alone at the hospital with nothing to do.  We learn that Nadia is all about Sayid’s vibe and Sayid pushed her away to his brother (probably a fetish).  He says it’s because he doesn’t deserve her.  His brother, the guy who borrows money from thugs and tells her when to stop eating, however, does deserve her.

The next day Sayid is minding his own business when some guy approaches him.  Sayid is reluctant to go with him, but then the guy threatens him in a foreign language and so he agrees.  We could have all saved some time if he just spoke the foreign language in the first place.  They get to a kitchen in a restaurant where a dude in a pinstriped suit is making eggs.  He is best described as what would happen if a used car salesman stereotype and Tony Robbins had a baby.  Being polite he offers Sayid some eggs and even offers to poach them (no easy task).  These two have an exchange where we find out Martin (egg guy) put Omar in the hospital.  They also talk about how Sayid is from Iraq.  Oh.

Sayid goes all ninja on the goons and kills them.  Then he stares down Martin who says the debt is forgiven.  Sayid says “no dice” and shoots him in the chest.  Finally someone uses some common sense and kills the head goon without hesitation.  Good work Sayid.  The one thing I would change is after shooting him you should have said “I’ll take those eggs now” and started eating the eggs Martin made. Or he could have said “Your eggs are just like you, a bit runny.”  That would have showed him.

Oh yeah, and Sayid finds Jin in a freezer tied up and not speaking English.  It’s never brought up again, so I am going to only acknowledge it happened and move on.

Back on the populated island, Sad Day Monster and Claire make it to the temple.  He promises Claire her son back if she goes to the temple for him since he can’t.

Sayid asks Toga what happened. They gave him a test to see if he was good or evil and it turns out he was evil.  They get into a fistfight that blatantly uses stuntmen.  It reminded me of something you would see in Cowboyland at an amusement park.  Case in point, Toga tries smashing Sayid with a heavy stone thing, Sayid defends himself with a broom.  But the broom snaps completely through which means if Toga had been trying to force the stone through, he would have succeeded.  Anyway, Toga’s baseball falls on the ground.  He remembers that it is the start of spring training and far be it from him to deprive anyone a full summer of baseball.  He decides to ban Sayid instead.

In the courtyard,  there’s a little chit chat about Sayid coming back to life and how 2 hours had passed since being drowned in the hot tub.  Everyone was surprised and it wasn’t Toga’s buddies who brought him back to life.  zzzzzzzzzz… huh? what? Oh, that’s over?  Good. Nodded off there.

Claire enters the temple and all the guys with guns point them at her.  Translator says “don’t shoot her”.  I don’t think they were planning on it, chief.  Claire gets all up in Toga’s grill.  They argue about leaving the temple and Toga will get killed if he does.  Toga, in non-english, instructs the translator to “Put her in the hole until he is ready for her.”  I don’t know about the language choice, Toga.  If I was talking to a dude who looked like Translator I would be careful about using the words “hole”, “put”, “in”, and “her” in the same sentence without using English.  Who knows what he heard.

Toga finds out that Jack and Hurley left the temple and tells Sayid to come inside with him.  Toga acts all buddy-buddy with Sayid and asks him to kill the Sad Day Monster because he is evil incarnate and won’t stop til everyone is dead.  The key is to stab Sad Day Monster in the chest before he speaks.  Sayid says he will do it, but only to prove there is still some good in him.  Interesting theory, Sayid.  If I wanted to prove I was a good person, I would volunteer to help the kids on the island learn to read.  But hey, if you want to prove you are a good person by stabbing someone in the chest, then to each his own.

Miles and I are celebrating our new friendship via high five.

Out in the jungle, Sayid runs into Kate (making another cameo).  She asks: “What’d I miss?”  I answer: “Not much. Just a couple episodes.  You should be able to get caught up pretty fast.” Kate gets back to the temple where she hangs with a dude named Miles.  He must feel pretty left out so far. They talk about Sawyer and some other stuff.  Then Miles tells Kate that he’s not sure what’s going on but “the blonde that had the baby is back.  She’s still hot.”  I don’t think I have ever related to a character more than I relate to Miles.

Sayid is out in the jungle now.  Sad Day Monster (as John) approaches him and says “What up, playa” and Sayid stabs him.  John stumbles a little but doesn’t die. Awk-ward.  John takes out the knife and we learn that Sayid epically failed at following instructions.  First, he let John talk before stabbing him.  Second, he missed his chest and got him in the spleen.  John is a classy dude and gives Sayid his knife back.  He also tells him that it was a setup and a roundabout way to kill Sayid.  If he goes and delivers a message for him, Sad Day Monster will give him prizes.  Sayid makes weird soap opera faces.

Sayid gets back to the temple to deliver the news that Jacob is dead and no one has to stay at the temple anymore.  There’s some talk about the temple and sundown.  I didn’t know Sad Day Monster was Jewish. It’s good he has religion in his life.  I honestly don’t know why people wouldn’t be excited about leaving the island and agree to it.

Kate beats up the Translator and talks to Claire.  Kate tells Claire she took her kid off the island and raised him.  Now she’s back on the island (?).  Claire has gone completely insane and says she isn’t the one who needs rescued.  That he’s coming and no one can stop him.

The Translator has gone from creepy to incredibly annoying and is flipping out on Sayid for causing a panic.  Sayid goes into the temple where Toga is sitting by the hot tub contemplating if the Rays stand a chance in the AL East this year.  Sayid claims he stabbed the Sad Day Monster in the chest before it talked (both lies).  Sayid asks Toga why he didn’t just kill Sayid himself.  Toga doesn’t answer his question but instead goes into a story about when he was a businessman.  He got promoted.  He got drunk.  He picked up his son from baseball practice and got into a car wreck and his kid died.  He was very upset.  Jacob offered him a chance to save his son’s life if he came to the island but he could never see him again.  Since these are fictional characters and not real people I feel comfortable saying this:  We saw your son last week.  He turns out to be pretty creepy.  You’re not missing anything.  In fact, what happened might have been for the best.

Sayid, as bored with Toga’s story as I was, drowns him in the hot tub.  It’s cool though.  That’s the hot tub that brings people back to life. He should be back to being pretentious in no time.  At least I hope so.  I was really starting to like Toga.  Translator walks in and says “What have you done!”  I think it’s pretty clear. He drowned Toga.  Translator starts freaking out and yelling at Sayid.  Predictably, Sayid cuts Translator’s throat and pushes him in the hot tub.  That’s not a wound I think the hot tub can heal.  Also, stop throwing dead people in the hot tub, Sayid.

We finally have all our dominoes in place.  Sad Day Monster goes Raincloud Mode and starts killing everyone in the temple. Miles hides in a room and tries holding the door shut.  Miles, we are what I would now define as “best friends”, so don’t take this the wrong way.  But if a monster is made of gas, then holding the door closed will do nothing to prevent it from entering through the cracks in the door.  Turns out Team Jacob busts through the door instead, complete with Sea Captain.  They run and find a secret passage and escape the Sad Day Monster.

Meanwhile, Kate has associated herself with an insane woman (Claire) and a murderer (Sayid). They go outside where Sad Day Monster and some other dudes are waiting for them.  Finally their dance crew is complete.  They walk off into the jungle to practice their routine.

Thoughts I have

• Is this show about a plane crash on a deserted island or not?
• I mentioned Bachelorette: Maiden Voyage above.  I Googled it and hasn’t been done.  It should take place entirely on a cruise ship and have one of the major cruise lines be the title sponsor.  ABC needs to put me on the payroll.
• We’re at the halfway point.  Take a breather.  Get a Gatorade. There are some orange slices and bananas over there.  Stretch it out, don’t want to pull a hammy.  Let’s recoup a bit before we finish this thing out.
• I think I underscored how upset I am that Toga is dead and likely not coming back (even though he is face down in the hot tub of life).  I made a tribute slideshow to him below.  I’ll miss him.

The words are on the lawn. More a temple than a shrine, really.

Some housekeeping.  You’ll notice this is labeled Episode 5 instead of Episode 4.  A friend of mine informed that I have been mislabeling episodes. Apparently what I thought was a 2 hour super-episode was actually two different ones.  Seems odd to me since my cable guide had it as one block with one title.  I’m reluctantly relabeling from now on for accuracy and so we all know how close we are to the end (dry those eyes).  I am leaving the old entries as-is so we always have this living shrine to my incompetence.

After last week and figuring I had this totally solved, it turns out I was wrong.  Last week’s episode had nothing to do with the series.  We’re back this week to apparently what is the real story on the island, Jack and Hurley’s budding friendship.

Overall What is Happening

The island is upping its game by having not one, but TWO plot lines.  Which is really throwing me off because now I have to do three different story recaps.  By the finale we’re going to have so many unrelated stories we’re gonna feel like we’re watching Kentucky Fried Movie.

Last week we learned the secret of LOST.  Jacob is holding auditions to be the caretaker of a tropical island.  Strangely, no one seems interested.  Not much more this week outside of the fact that there is a crazy woman in the woods who is baby obsessed.  She and the Sad Day Monster have bonded over this shared trait.

At the same time, Hurley and Jack go on a super adventure across the island to get to a lighthouse. That’s it. No, really.  That’s all that happened.

Back in Snoozeville, we get another Jack episode.  We learn that he is as bad a parent as he is a doctor.

More Detailed Episode Recap

Things start off on land and who is this episode about? Drumroooooll… Jack! Wait.  Again?  Based on my new episode numbering system that will make 3 episodes about him and we’re not even to the halfway point.  Alright. Whatever.  We’ll roll with it.

Jack gets home and is wearing a scrub shirt with jeans (pretty unprofessional) and notices that he has a scar.  Since he is not an accredited doctor he doesn’t know how it got there.  His mom knows (they always do) and tells him it was an appendix surgery when he was seven.  We also learn that Jack has a pretty crappy exercise bike in his house.  Get a Bowflex, boss.

Jack goes to pick up his son David at his prep school.  This kid must hang out with Sawyer cuz he’s a total rebel.  We soon learn that David hates his dad, hates baseball, but is totally into Alice in Wonderland.  Which is the epitome of teenage rebellion.  Jack says he is going over to his mom’s house, David is all like “whatevs, I’m staying here.” Jack lets him.  Jack is apparently in a competition with himself to see which he can be worse at, parenting or doctoring.  Vegas has the line at -140 for parenting.  Those are good odds.

Over at Jack’s mom’s house, we find out that David is probably afraid of Jack.  Jack can’t understand why.  I can.  He’s terrible at everything.  Mrs. Shephard finds Mr. Shephard’s will.  There’s a mention of Claire Littleton.  I guess if you’re gonna have an affair, might as well put it in your will.  Of course, it being an affair is an assumption because rather than trying to solve this mystery we just go back to the island.

Jack leaves the awkward situation and comes home with pizza and soda for David.  Teenagers love pizza.  +1 for Jack.  Hopefully you didn’t place your bet.  Jack then finds out David isn’t there.  Apparently when you leave a teenager unsupervised, they act out or runaway.  Oops.

Upon finding out his teenage son is missing, Jack spends the next five hours getting drunk in his den and looking out the window over the city.  Maybe he thought he would see David down there, I dunno.  After a while he decides to give David a ring.  No answer.  Bummer.  Well, guess you should probably just leave a voicemail saying you’ll check his mom’s house. Jack is a terrible problem solver.  This is the same guy who proposed getting off an island by detonating a bomb, so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised.

Jack gets to David’s mom’s house and breaks in using a key under a bunny.  Much to his surprise David wasn’t in there.  Maybe we should have checked here sooner because we’ve lost a lot of valuable time to organize a search party.  After violating his son’s privacy by listening to his voicemail, Jack learns that his son has a conservatory audition.  Then Jack listens to a voicemail he left for David and gets uncomfortable because everyone thinks they sound weird when they listen to a recording of themselves.

Ew. Creepy.

Jack gets to the conservatory just in time to hear David’s audition.  This dude can jam.  Some creepy kid in a sweater vest tells Jack that his kid is really good.  Jack’s response should have been “Stay away from my kid, weirdo”, but I think he just said “Thanks.”  Turns out Creepy Kid is Toga’s son (Toga = Pretentious Asian).  It turns out Toga is a really cool dude.  He talks with Jack about parenting stuff and how much pressure kids are under.  Jack stares blankly since he is a deadbeat.  Toga asks how long David has been tickling the ivories.  Jack says he doesn’t know.  Toga looks angry.  In fact, I am pretty sure this is the point where Toga stopped speaking English and started hating white people.

While David is stealing another kid’s bike Jack comes out to have a heart to heart.  Jack admits he was terrified that David disappeared.  So terrified, in fact, that he sat around and got tanked for a while just to calm his nerves.  David admits he didn’t want Jack to see him fail.  Jack admits he never wanted his dad to see him fail.  Hopefully his dad hasn’t seen him try to practice medicine or find a runaway kid.  After reconnecting over their inability to succeed, Jack says they have some pizza waiting at home.  It’s been sitting on the kitchen counter with a six-pack of soda on top all day, but I’m sure it’s still good.

Back on the island, Claire helps Jin out of the bear trap.  Apparently Claire has been out there for three years.  K.  Jin, channeling Jack’s medical expertise, tries to walk on a severely wounded leg and passes out.  No surprise there.

Jin wakes up and looks around.  He finds some medical scissors, a paddle, and a baby made out of some skulls.  Claire comes back with the black dude she shot.  I guess he got drowned in the hot tub the same way Said did and came back to life.  Claire tells Jin that he could get an infection and that it will spread (take notes, Jack).

While away to get supplies, the Black Dude asks Jin to untie him.  Jin “Why would I do that?” Black Dude “Because she is gonna kill me.”  Jin “Not a good enough reason.”  Then Black Dude says he is gonna snap Claire’s neck.  He definitely just talked himself out of a sale.  Claire does a great job dressing Jin’s wound and says she is looking for her baby that these guys took.  I’m pretty sure a dingo has it but Claire says she is sure they have it because her father and her friend told her so.  Claire gets an ax to get some answers.  At this point, you should just lie.

As Claire is winding up to give the ol’ chop chop, Jin says that Kate has Aaron (her kid) and he is three.  Claire is obviously very emotional about all of this.  Before I could finish typing “Black Dude needs to be quiet, you should never try to reason with an emotional woman” Claire dug that ax right into his spleen.  That has to hurt like a bastard.  That seemed like an unusually cruel way to kill him.  He’s basically sitting there with a ruptured spleen waiting to bleed to death.  Not cool, Claire. Not cool.

A little while later (I assume about three hours since Black Dude is finally dead) Jin admits he lied because he wanted to save the Black Dude’s life. FAIL.  He says that they have Aaron at the temple and he will take her there.  Sad Day Monster shows up without Sawyer. If you remember, Sawyer left the island last week.  I guess Sad Day Monster had second thoughts.  He and Claire are friends.  Everyone wants to be Claire’s friend.  She’s totes popular.

Jumping over to the third unrelated plot in this episode, it’s a rainy day in paradise. This must be why everyone wants to leave.  While playing a little tic-tac-toe (they need to play bags), Hurley says he is hungry.  C’mon.  Stop it, LOST writers.  Fine.  If we’re all gonna make fun of his weight, then let’s do this thing.  Hurley goes inside and asks someone if there’s a kitchen.  Turns out it was Ghost Jacob.  Even ghosts like a good tubbin’ from time to time.  Jacob says that he needs Hurley’s help and needs him to write some stuff down.  He’s probably trying to keep track of all the plots in this episode.

Outside the temple, Said is uncomfortable because people are staring at him.  They talk about the poison and someone else was infected.  That’s pretty much it.  It’s not Said’s turn to hang out with Jack this week, so that is pretty much the end of that interaction.

Back to Hurley, he is walking down a hallway by himself looking for stuff.  Toga totally busts him and tells him to go back to the courtyard.  Hurley debates him 10-year-old style (YOU go back to the courtyard) and wins when Toga is disqualified for not speaking English.  Nice win, Hurley.  Jacob had Hurley’s back this whole time and tells Hurley he is a candidate.  Probably for a wing eating contest.

Jacob asks Hurley where Jack is and says that Hurley has to bring Jack with him.  Ouch. This is like when you invite the ugly girl to the party because you think she’ll bring her hot friend, and then she doesn’t, and you’re mad at her so you confront her about it, then the ugly girl calls the friend.  Poor Hurley.  Hurley then goes into the courtyard to do the equivalent of calling the hot friend (the ugly always complies) and convinces Jack to go with him by saying “You have what it takes.”  To do what, I am not sure, but I can already cross two things off the list.

While on their adventure, Jack and Hurley come across Kate.  We’re putting the check in the box that she appears in this episode.  Jack invites her with them but Hurley points out that Jacob specifically requested no chicks (which is the point I stop following Hurley).  Besides, it’s Hurley’s turn to hang out with Jack.  She’ll have to go sit on the sideline with Said.  Instead she says she is going to go find Claire.  Not sure she wants to, but it’s her choice.

After this little interaction, Hurley apologizes for blowing up Jack’s game.  He also says Jack would be a good father.  He’s obviously not watching the other half of this episode.

They find an inhaler and it belongs to Shannon.  No clue who Shannon is but since the music changed, she must be important.  They’re outside the caves that they used to live in.  Ya know, before the real estate boom left all those condos that Sawyer was getting drunk in.  In the cave are some rotting corpses.  They say they forgot they were there.  I don’t know how.  Those seem like the kind of thing you would always see when you close your eyes.  Hurley proposes that maybe the carcasses are them.  That they traveled through time years ago and died and now this is their remains… C’mon Hurley, that’s ridiculous. Now get back to following the instructions that a ghost gave you at a temple with a life-restoring hot tub on a deserted island that has a murderous rain cloud where 50 people all ended up after surviving several plane crashes over the pacific ocean.

Back on the trail, Hurley asks Jack why he came back to the island.  Huh?  Jack wants to know why he did.  Hurley says because Jacob told him to.  Jack says he was broken and thought the island could fix him.  The correct answer is that you got back to land, realized you had to work, pay taxes, deal with pollution, deal with people telling you about pollution, and had to spend a fortune to spend a week on an island almost identical to the one you were on.  I’m completely clueless on how they got off, back on, and why they want to get back off again, but whatever.

I dunno. Lighthouse seems pretty obvious to me.

FINALLY, they get to the lighthouse.  This sucker is 100ft tall and they say they never noticed it before.  How?  You’ve been on this island for three years (someone said earlier) with nothing else to do but walk around and this HUGE lighthouse is on one of the coasts.  Little tip for people stuck on an island.  Walk along the beach (perimeter) because civilization is most likely to be there as opposed to the interior.  In your face, Bear Grylls.  So yeah, they should have found this a long time ago. Also, I have no idea if my survival tip is right.

Hurley can’t open the door so Jack goes all man on it and kicks it in.  Jack is a true gentleman and let’s anyone with breasts enter rooms before he does.  Hurley goes in the lighthouse. Jack follows.

They finally get to the top where apparently a dry shirt was awaiting Hurley.  Or it is so sweat stained that is all now one color.  There’s a contraption with mirrors and everyone’s name.  When it is set to Jack he can see his childhood house and three extra Jacks.  Everyone wins.  Jack freaks out Claire style and smashes up the mirror.  Which is really selfish because now we won’t be able to see the Friendly’s where Hurley spent his childhood.  Turns out all this was to get Jack to the lighthouse and everyone at the temple is doomed because someone is coming.

I think at this point it is pretty clear that Jacob wants Sawyer or Jack to take over the island.  This is like watching The Bachelorette and you know that she’s picked out the people she wants in the finals, but there’s still 10 people left so she has to go through the motions and still go on dates and pretend to like them. Hurley and Jack are on a double date right now.  Jack’s in the hot tub with the Bachelorette while Hurley pours himself more wine while he looks at the patio furniture.

Thoughts I Have

• A lot went on this episode.  I kept having to pause the show to jot stuff down. I hope this goes back to snail’s pace.
• Claire = Pregger.  Cool.  Got it.
• I don’t see the need to keep including other people in the Snoozeville portion of the show.  I really feel like watching John and Kate’s story was a complete waste now.
• Sawyer’s gone I guess.  I figured since last week ended with him saying “I’m out” and he wasn’t with Sad Day Monster, he hit the bricks.  Jacob is gonna be heartbroken.

Ghost Jacob needs some break up music to get over Sawyer leaving.

College dorm room or LOST writer's room? You decide.

Before we begin.  Was it just me or did it seem like the writers realized it was their last season and they had to tie a bunch of loose ends together?  Watching this I just kept imaging a college kid who didn’t realize his midterm paper was due tomorrow so was scrambling to pull an all-nighter and just started making up facts.  You know what I mean?  Course you do. Personally I think the writers jumped the gun because they clearly explained everything in this one episode.  All in the last 5 minutes no less.

I have no idea what anyone’s name is anymore.  I thought the Rebel was named Sawyer but the Sad Day Monster kept calling him James Ford.  I though the portly gentleman was named Hurley but apparently his name is Hugo Reyes.  Again, shame on the LOST writers for naming a huge person Hugo.  It’s probably glandular.  I’m pretty bad with names to begin with, so this is not helping.

Overall What is Happening

I think it’s pretty clear.  Jacob has been tasked with protecting the island from nothing and was looking for a successor so he could retire to a non-island.  He made a bunch of planes crash on the island to interview candidates, class president style.  A bunch of people have failed (died) and so his list is getting pretty short on nominees.  Sawyer and the Sad Day Monster say “no thanks” so there are two less candidates.  That’s it.  That’s all this show has been about.

(brushes dust off hands)

…

Anyone wanna go get a milkshake?

I ordered us one malt, two straws. *Wink*

More Detailed Episode Recap

I already explained the entire series above, but I guess we should do the full episode recap for posterity’s sake.

John was the focus of tonight’s episode in “The World Where LOST Doesn’t Exist Because the Plane Didn’t Crash” (never thought about that, did ya?).  Man, does his life suck.  I am pretty sure the writers just copied a bunch of FML’s to write his storyline.  He starts by getting home through a self driving van.  Or a ghost drove his van.  Or the guy who drove the van ran away after pulling up to his house.  Either way, John is flying solo as he tries to get out of his van.  The little elevator shorts out.  Rather than calling a neighbor he tries to make the jump and doesn’t make it.  Then as he is lying face down on the lawn the sprinklers turned on.  A lady named Ellen comes running out of the house to help him out.  Not sure why he didn’t just call her up on the ol’ cellphone once he got stranded, but to each his own.

John then stars in his own Cialis commercial by hanging out in a bathtub.  His lady is not in an accompanying bathtub, so you know, take that how you want. Ellen finds a business card for Dr. Hunkenstein (Jack) and gets all excited that he is a spine surgeon.  She asks John what up with that?  He says it was just some dude being polite… offering him a chance to walk again… whatevs, nothing to follow up on.

John goes to work at his telemarketing job.  His boss, who is trying too hard to be Dave Grohl, calls him out on not being at a conference.  Then fires him.  Not cool.  John goes out to the parking lot and some Hummer parked too close to his spot.   Turns out Hurley owns the Hummer.  John is rude to him.  Hurley is socially uncomfortable.  He offers John an opportunity at a temp agency he owns.  They become super buddies.  Hurley tells John to keep his chin up.  He’s saying that because Hurley doesn’t have one and wants John to appreciate what he’s got.  Also, he is a billionaire and doesn’t understand the concept of sadness.

John goes to the temp agency and is overall an unpleasant person.  Just interview, chief.  He grouches out and asks to see a manager.  She’s a pretty cool lady who is willing to tell it like it is.  As John is hanging streamers for a pity party, the Manager drops the bomb that she has terminal cancer.  Snap.  In your face.  She clearly is lying because if you have terminal cancer you probably shouldn’t be working as a manager at a temp agency.  You should be on a remote tropical island.

John explains to his wife that he got fired.  For being engaged and living together, she is really uninvolved in his life.  John admits he went for a walkabout and they said no.  Bummer.  All he packed were hunting knives.

The island was pretty straightforward this time around.  As straightforward as a deserted island with 15 different plane crashes, a few ghosts, and a monster can be at least.

It starts with a sequence that looks like it was directly lifted from The Animal.  Only difference is instead of it being the point of view of Rob Schneider it turned out to be the Sad Day Monster.  The Monster opens a bag and out pops Richard.  Being polite, the Monster apologizes for beating Richard and taking him off the beach.  Hey, no sweat.  This is the first of several times in the episode where someone politely explains what is going on.  Here we learn that Richard is a candidate and that if he just follows the guy who beat the heck out of him, everything will be explained.  Smartly, Richard says no.  Good lesson for the kids.  If someone mugs you, then promises to explain one of life’s mysteries, don’t follow them to a remote part of an already deserted island.  Speaking of kids.  Some blond kid appears.  It totally messes with the Monster.  I think his biological clock is ticking.  Someone’s baby crazy.

Sad Day Cloud just wants to hold him for a little while.

The Nerd is back (also known as Weinery Guy) and is as weinery as ever.  He can’t even lie convincingly when he admits he killed Jacob.  It’s here that we find out the Sad Day Monster is recruiting.  I would like to sign up.

The Monster stumbles into one of the luxury cabanas on the deserted island… where there is a record player… and booze.  Sawyer is tipsy and nude.  Finally, people are starting to enjoy their paradise.  Apparently they have TONS of Jim Beam.  Sad Day Monster decides to tip one back.  Then he goes around beating people in a drunken rage.  So sad.  He had so much potential.  Here we find out Sawyer is a homeowner.  Which is great.  This is a great time to buy if you are able to get a good down payment.  Sad Day Monster is playing the role of mortgage lender and telling Sawyer he doesn’t own squat.  Really amazing how far this economic downturn has spread.

The Monster informs Sawyer he can answer the most important question in the world: Why are you on this island?  Sawyer answers that it’s because his plane crashed… and his raft broke… and his… helicopter got messed up…?  No wonder he turned to the sauce and is so grumpy.  Sawyer agrees to go with him but first he needs to get his pants. Normally, the long list of transportation options would confuse me.  I’ve learned to just go with it.  There were probably 10 other vehicles on the island.  They need one of those amphibian duck tour boats.

On the beach, everyone decides to go to the temple.  Which sounds like a great idea.  PARTY!  We also find out some dude (I think curly haired Asian) is named Jin (Jen?  Gin?).  Which is great because I’ve wanted to know his name for a while.  Then some square points out they should bury John.  Nuts to that, just float him out to sea.  A lot less work, same result.

Sawyer and Bad Day Monter are walking through the woods when they see the blond kid.  Sawyer is drunk enough that he sees him too.  The Monster, instead of turning into his real rain cloud self, decides to run after him.  He trips. He falls.  Blondie reminds him of the rules and that he isn’t allowed to kill Sawyer.  Sad Day Monster is a rebel though.  He’ll do what he wants.  That’s why he likes Sawyer.  He gets it.

While all this is going on, Sawyer is just standing in a drunken stupor.  Richard pops out of nowhere and warns Sawyer that this guy is not to be trusted.  Sawyer ignores him.  Rebels stick together.  Richard runs away, the Monster returns.  Sawyer: “What happened to the kid?” Monster: “What kid?”  Sawyer: “Right.”  Here’s my question:  What does Sawyer think the Monster did with the kid?  He said “right” in the same way people in gang movies talk.  Like Sawyer just assumed he killed the kid and is saying he won’t narc.  After Sawyer drunkenly rambles about John Steinbeck, we find out that the Sad Day Monster used to be a People.  Good to know.

The folks on the beach (Team Jacob) go to bury John in a pretty big grave yard.  By my count this deserted island has 263 occupants.  This is supposed to be a sad funeral where he gets buried. I assume so at least.  No one wants to say anything until Nerdlinger admits John was a better man than him (that’s a long list) and he is sorry for murdering him.  No one really reacts to his confession.  This island needs a judicial system of some sort.

Finally, Drunk Sawyer and Sad Day Monster get to a cliff where someone has built a pretty impressive ladder system. They climb down and since Sawyer is hammered he falls down a bit and the Sad Day Monster saves him.  They go into a cave where Monster throws a rock and says it is an inside joke.  I don’t get it.  It’s here that they explain everything about the show. Jacob has been handing candy bars to everyone who ended up on the island.  He gave Sawyer his when he was a kid and then apparently took a sabbatical and started giving them out again 20 years later. There’s auditions to take over the island.  Everyone has a number.  Dead people are crossed off.  I got excited when I saw “8 – Reyes” because I thought that meant Jose Reyes was on the island somewhere.  But alas, Jose is #7.   Clearly Jack is #23 because he is the Michael Jordan of being handsome.  The Sad Day Monster gives Sawyer 3 choices.  1) Do nothing (sounds great to me. I’m gonna go back to getting drunk and listening to rock music on a tropical island.) 2) Protect the island from nothing.  (sounds like option 1, I’m in.) 3) We just go.  Thelma and Louise style.

Drunk Sawyer votes that they hit the bricks.  Not what I would have chosen.

Thoughts I Have

• Character names to this point:  Jack, John, James, Jin, Jacob.  Can we turn the page in the baby-name book that the writers are using to name characters?
• Speaking of names, Randy Nations was John’s boss.  C’mon.  Between that and Dr. Goodspeed I am starting to think everyone on land is using an alias.
• If the Monster was gonna make nice with Sawyer, he should have disguised himself as Juliette.  Then they could have made that baby the Monster is jonesing for.
• The first time I saw the actor who plays Richard he was as the Mayor in The Dark Knight.  At the time I thought it was really progressive for the people of Gotham to elect someone who wore guyliner (eyeliner for dudes).  He’s wearing it again in LOST.  I bet he has a rider in his contract that he gets to wear it regardless of role.  I hope he one day gets to live his dream of starring in a David Bowie music video.
  

  Be sure to share with Pete Wentz.

At least it has a nice airport.

Before we dive in I have to admit that looking back on the notes I jotted down I have no idea what half of them mean. I am not sure if that is an indication of my poor ability to take notes or the show’s inability to make any sense. One thing is clear to me now though: Each episode will feature a different person in their “we didn’t crash” life. Last night it was Kate’s turn. She’s a fugitive with a heart of gold. She is also a living example of why women will never make it as ruthless criminals (they’re just a bunch of softies behind that tough exterior). As such, I am going to break up these descriptions into what is happening on the island and what is happening in the non-plane crash world. Or as I like to call it, Snoozeville. ZING!

Overall What Is Happening

Kate is a bad person who robs a cab with a pregger lady in it. She then asks some dude to bust her out of her handcuffs and he’s all like “sure”. Kate doesn’t shoot him after he is done. Which I don’t get. No. Witnesses. Instead she goes to the bathroom to freshen up. Kate looks at a plush whale and realizes she doesn’t have a super best friend. She goes back and gets Pregger from the bus stop in the middle of nowhere. I hope Kate goes to jail for leaving her in the middle of nowhere. They go to a house where some lady says her husband left her and she doesn’t want the surrogate baby Pregger is carrying anymore. No phone call? Also, advice for the reproductively challenged, go local with your surrogate. Don’t make a 32 week pregnant woman get on an 18 hour flight. I know you want the cute accent, but that is nurture, not nature. Clearly all this stress induces some labor.

Whew. Nothing like a relaxing smoke after being held at gunpoint and abondoned in the middle of nowhere.

They go to the hospital where Kate approaches a doctor named Dr. Goodspeed (totally fake name). This kinda dorky doctor drops everything to help Preggers and upon entering the room seems to know an awful lot about what is going. Everyone gets scared when the baby flat lines. It’s ok though, Dr. Goodspeed slaps her belly and the baby wakes back up. Later, Pregger lady helps Kate duck the police (which seems weird considering 4 hours ago she was pointing a gun at her). Best friends accomplished. On her way out Kate says “keep the kid”. Gee. Thanks for the advice. You wanna pay to raise a kid? No? Cool, then stop giving me tips.

I don’t even know how to summarize what happened on the island. Said got shot, drowned in a hot tub, hooked up to a car battery, burned with a hot poker, then was almost poisoned. A few more and we hit Bill Murray’s rant from Groundhog Day.

Jack, as always, is a dreamboat. Pretentious Asian decides to let him into his inner circle, only because he is handsome. Pretentious Asian makes some cryptic references that I am sure will be revealed later.

No word from Team Jacob. Apparently the Sad Day Monster ate them all.

Sawyer runs away. Kate goes after him. Claire shows up to shoot some pirates.

More Detailed Episode Recap

Not much else to the “Kate if the plane landed” recap above. Other than two points. While carjacking a cab, she still takes time to look over and make longing love eyes with Jack. To-tal Dream-boat. Also while carjacking, some dude spilled 5 suitcases into the sidewalk. I want to know A) how this happened and B) why it took so long to pick them up.

To the island. Said is alive and Jack, who has lost all medical credibility with me, offers him some water. Clearly after being face down in a hot tub for 10 minutes you’re gonna be a little parched. Pretentious Asian seems pretty surprised that Said is alive even though he was the one who tried to bring him back to life.

MEANWHILE… Sawyer sez “nuts to this, I’m outta here”, as any good rebel would. He makes a break for it and gets away from all the dudes with guns. Kate and a curly haired Asian dude say they want to go after him. They get paired up with a couple of the pirates and go hunting.

MEANWHILE… The Pretentious Asian says he needs to pow-wow with Said. Which is clearly a racist joke since Said is Indian (shame on you, Lost writers). Back in the back room, the Pretentious Asian hooks Said up to the torture machine from The Princess Bride. A car battery to the nipples (Said is really hairy) and a hot poker to the midsection later, Said is free to go. The Translator says he has passed the test. Then looks sad when he asks Pretentious Asian if he just lied to him. Information update: If I haven’t mentioned it, the Pretentious Asian has a translator. Up til last night I always thought he looked like a high school art teacher who got high and played the drums on weekends. Last night he made a shift. Now he reminds me of… well… let’s just say if there were kids on the island when he got there all the parents would be getting an e-mail notification.

First the Empire, now some random plane crash survivors. Ewoks are bloodthirsty.

MEANWHILE… The Sawyer Hunting Gang is out in the woods and brotha, it is contentious. Mac from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Kate don’t see eye toeye. The other two dudes are like “whatevs”. Someone set traps on the island. Those people are no longer around. Clearly it was Ewoks. Whilst discussing the traps, Mac finally flips his lid and gets all up in Kate’s business about her knocking him out before. Well, she knocks him out and then launches the Ewok trap on the other guy. Then she runs for it.

She finds Sawyer at some houses that… have… running water? They talk about how… there… were… several planes? And Kate came back to this island? And Sawyer and Juliette lived in one of the houses? None of this made sense to me. At all. It actually sounds like a pretty sweet deal to be on that island and young and there is a dreamboat of a doctor to take care of you. There’s no point in trying to escape. Oh yeah, and Mac said something about them being “others”. Which confirms that there were a bunch of planes that crashed here and so they built houses with plumbing. Got it? Me too. The island is some sort of vacation destination that you get to via plane crash.

MEANWHILE… Said comes back downstairs and is all like “they tortured me, boo-hoo.” So Jack, being the cool dude he is, goes to lay some smack down on Pretentious Asian. He approaches the guards and says “Let me through” at which point the guards step aside and let him through. Which might make them the worst guards ever. Upstairs, Pretentious Asian has concocted a pill for Said to take to feel better. Pretentious Asian lets Jack know Said is infected. Jack asks “What happens if we don’t treat the infection?” Pretentious Asian, “It spreads”. Me, (slow clap). Great doctoring Jack. Untreated infections spread. Jack is 0 for 15 in proving to me that he has any scientific knowledge.

The key to the medicine is Jack has to dupe Said into taking it. It has to be taken willfully or it will not work. Sounds to me like Pretentious Asian is hedging his bets in case the pill doesn’t work. When Jack rejoins the group, Said is describing death to a couple dudes. Pay attention Hurley. Jack asks to talk to him alone and one guy says “C’mon on Hurley, let’s go to the food court”. I assume that was a knock on Hurley’s weight. Which means, combining me and that guy, Hurley has gotten zinged twice in 30 seconds of screen time. Said is reluctant to take the pill. Says he trusts Jack, which seems crazy to me. I don’t trust this guy at all. I actually trust the dude who brought you back to life already. Why question him now? Jack sez, let me go talk to the Pretentious Asian.

Pretentious Asian is playing with a baseball and now speaks English consistently. I knew we would get to him eventually. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! We also find out his name is Toga. Right on. Jack, being the medical expert he is, takes the pill. Which we find out is poison. Also, Toga says that everyone was brought here. Jack asks what he means. I ask what he means too. But he never says. I assume he means they were all brought here by planes that landed safely, hence all the references to multiple planes and coming and going. And Said has been claimed… K.

MEANWHILE… Kate, Sawyer, Curly Haired Asian get found by the pirates. Someone shoots the pirates. It’s CLAIRE!!!!!!!!!1! (who the f is Claire?)

Thoughts I Have

• Where did everyone get such nice fitting jeans? And hair product.
• I really don’t understand why everyone is trying to get off the island. You are there with handsome/pretty people and plumbing.
• Mac being in this episode really killed the illusion for me. Now I don’t believe that this actually happened/is happening. This would be a better show if Danny Devito was the monster.
• I thought I had it all figured out last week. But this week there was no monster, no ghosts, no Team Jacob, and no medical common sense from Jack. Also there were 50 references to other planes.

The Monster, Ghost, and Team Jacob are anxiously awaiting their appearance next week.

The Stork is making babies while dad watches the news in the other room.

[ED. NOTE: I thought his name was "Jake" instead of "Jack".  Rather than change it I thought I would just admit I didn't know the main characters name and leave the original post as is. Recap: Jake = Jack.]

Before I get started in my interpretation, I have to say I knew we were in for a treat when the opening had a handsome guy (named Jake) on a plane then immediately took us into the ocean where there was an ancient ruin shaped like a foot.  Dramatic music played.  Cut to commercial.  I immediately raised an eyebrow in confusion.  Of course it was never referenced again in the episode so maybe I am not alone in wondering what that was all about.  As an aside, there was a village with a playground at the bottom of the ocean.  And I mean pretty deep in the ocean.  Are we to believe that an ancient culture had a playground or someone poked a hole in an island and it sank to the bottom of the ocean?  No really.  That wasn’t rhetorical, I don’t know which it is supposed to be.

Overall What is Happening

LOST monster claims another victim

Apparently an H-bomb went off, but everyone survived INCLUDING the woman who detonated it from 1 foot away.  There are ghosts.  Some ghosts are good, some are bad. A guy named Jake leads a gang of protagonists.  The protagonist gang prioritized saving a blonde woman over an Indian man (just sayin’) and both died.  A guy named Richard leads a rival gang to the Jake Gang (it’s like Twilight! omgz!).  Both those gangs pale in comparison to the pretentious Asian gang by the temple.  There is a monster on the island (other than the pretentious asian. ZING!) that is really just the sad raincloud that follows you around on bad days. Apparently the sad raincloud hates it when you stand in a circle of black dust. What makes the pretentious Asian redeeming is that he tricks you into thinking he can save your half dead friend and then drowns him.  I wish that was true, but the guy came to life so I guess he has some sort of secret hot tub that saves lives.

I’m also under the impression two planes crashed and survivors of both ended up on this island.  But I’m not sure.

So that is one part of the episode.  The other episode feels like a Jake commercial that takes place on an airplane.  This guy does it all.  Gets free booze from the stewardess, makes friends with a middle aged interracial couple, saves a hobbit from choking on condom drugs; he even befriends a bald guy in a wheelchair in baggage services!  Nothing really to report here.  Some girl in handcuffs escapes a guy in a suit.  This seems like an awful way to transport a prisoner.

I want to see the airplane sequence but with the “Jake” of the people who died in the crash.  Ya know, the guy who interacted with a bunch of people except they didn’t make it to the island.

More Detailed Episode Recap

These people are stuck on an island.  They tried detonating a bomb to disrupt a space time continuum, which is 100 times better than using a boat when trying to get somewhere.  The bombing didn’t work (or did it?!?!?! it didn’t.) so now everyone is dying left and right and everyone is mad at Jake because his plan didn’t work. Juliette is trapped under a bunch of steel. How’d she get there?  She fell down a hole, survived, and then beat an H-bomb (according to my cable TV episode guide) with a rock til it blew up.    Sawyer seems pretty grouchy about the whole thing.  Juliette dies.  Meanwhile, the Indian guy got shot but they just ignored him even though he was coughing up blood and still had a chance to live.  I guess they figured since Juliette was at the center of a bomb detonation, they had less time to save her.

The choice on who to save is pretty clear.

This island also has ghosts of people who died in Westside Storyesque knifefights (Jacob) or bald people (John).  The ghosts are of differing helpfulness.  The Jacob ghost tells the fat guy to take the dead Indian to a hole in a temple and not to forget the guitar case.  That sounds like the beginning of a joke or one of those sentences that contains every letter of the alphabet.  The John ghost turns out to be “the monster” according to the weinery guy.  The monster starts busting skulls on some henchmen who come in to find Jacob.

The Jake Gang takes the shot dude to a temple via VW Van.  There, an Asian guy who hates English so much he won’t speak it busts open a cross to get a love note.  When the Jake Gang finds out it says they’re all in trouble if the Indian dude dies, everyone in the Jake Gang gets a look on their face that says “Uh oh.  Maybe we should have paid attention to him instead of spending 8 hours getting Juliette out from the rubble.”  Don’t worry though, the Asian guy just drowns him in a hot tub, sets off a firework, and low and behold, the Indian guy is good as new.  The end.

You’ll notice I didn’t recap the plane stuff because there isn’t much more to what is above.

Thoughts I Have

• Everyone seems unfairly angry at Jake.  If you pitched an idea to me that involved setting off an H-bomb on an island, you’d have to have A LOT of factual support for me to go along with it.  And if it didn’t work, well, I don’t think I have much right to point the finger.
• Where’d all these modern amenities come from? They used flashlights that I assume use D batteries.  I have a hard time finding those in a major city.  Also, they have beer.
• I can’t get over the fact that they ignored the Indian dude and let him die.
• For a deserted island there are an awful lot of people.
• Bloody kisses are gross.  If I was Sawyer I would have killed time until Juliette died so I wouldn’t have to swap platelets.
• While on the Sawyer topic, why is he helping a fugitive escape the TSA?
• Everyone is pretty well kept for having been on an island.  Even Richard looks like he has his supply of eyeliner.
• When the plane landed I was expecting a cut shot to an autistic kid playing with an island snow globe.

Just like St. Elsewhere!

That’s it for Episode 1 of the final season of LOST.

What I Know Going In

• A plane crashed and now all these people are LOST on a deserted (yum!) island.
  

  Where's the Sundaes?

• There is a bald dude that one of my friends went as for Halloween a couple years ago.
• There is a fat dude who I think is named Hurley.  He seemed the most well off in this situation since he is either gonna live longer because of his stored up fat cells or drop some lbs while on that island.
• There is a pregnant lady. Which seems crazy because I would think a plane crash would induce labor.
• There is an Indian dude.  No clue why I know this. I can only imagine there are more non-white people since no one wants to watch a non-racially charged island.

My Plan

Don't let the scared eyes fool you. Hurley knows he'll make it through this.

• Pretty simple.  Gonna watch the episode and provide a recap and what I think is going on.
• I might have other stuff to do on Tuesdays so I might be a little late getting the post up.  There’s a reason I have yet to see an episode.  Don’t be haters.
• I am not going to look anything up.  That includes character names, locations, etc.  I am 100% confident I will get things wrong as I go.  Don’t be haters.
• I’m also going to be totally sweet hand drawings of things I want pictures of.  That way I don’t have to Google (or Bing, or Yahoo, or  Ask) anything to find images.

So Stay Tuned.  I’ll figure out these pictures eventually.

Nothing like a relaxing smoke to calm the nerves after a plane crash. Ooo, it's kicking!