Episode 1 of the Final Season of LOST

SPOILER ALERT!  I am going to reference a bunch of junk that happens in the episode.  So if you are waiting to see it, don’t get mad at me if you read this anyway and I ruin your surprise.  I also plead innocent to inadvertently ruining any other surprises in this blog.  Like the ending to “The Usual Suspects” or how babies are made (stork).

The Stork is making babies while dad watches the news in the other room.

[ED. NOTE: I thought his name was “Jake” instead of “Jack”.  Rather than change it I thought I would just admit I didn’t know the main characters name and leave the original post as is. Recap: Jake = Jack.]

Before I get started in my interpretation, I have to say I knew we were in for a treat when the opening had a handsome guy (named Jake) on a plane then immediately took us into the ocean where there was an ancient ruin shaped like a foot.  Dramatic music played.  Cut to commercial.  I immediately raised an eyebrow in confusion.  Of course it was never referenced again in the episode so maybe I am not alone in wondering what that was all about.  As an aside, there was a village with a playground at the bottom of the ocean.  And I mean pretty deep in the ocean.  Are we to believe that an ancient culture had a playground or someone poked a hole in an island and it sank to the bottom of the ocean?  No really.  That wasn’t rhetorical, I don’t know which it is supposed to be.

Overall What is Happening

LOST monster claims another victim

Apparently an H-bomb went off, but everyone survived INCLUDING the woman who detonated it from 1 foot away.  There are ghosts.  Some ghosts are good, some are bad. A guy named Jake leads a gang of protagonists.  The protagonist gang prioritized saving a blonde woman over an Indian man (just sayin’) and both died.  A guy named Richard leads a rival gang to the Jake Gang (it’s like Twilight! omgz!).  Both those gangs pale in comparison to the pretentious Asian gang by the temple.  There is a monster on the island (other than the pretentious asian. ZING!) that is really just the sad raincloud that follows you around on bad days. Apparently the sad raincloud hates it when you stand in a circle of black dust. What makes the pretentious Asian redeeming is that he tricks you into thinking he can save your half dead friend and then drowns him.  I wish that was true, but the guy came to life so I guess he has some sort of secret hot tub that saves lives.

I’m also under the impression two planes crashed and survivors of both ended up on this island.  But I’m not sure.

So that is one part of the episode.  The other episode feels like a Jake commercial that takes place on an airplane.  This guy does it all.  Gets free booze from the stewardess, makes friends with a middle aged interracial couple, saves a hobbit from choking on condom drugs; he even befriends a bald guy in a wheelchair in baggage services!  Nothing really to report here.  Some girl in handcuffs escapes a guy in a suit.  This seems like an awful way to transport a prisoner.

I want to see the airplane sequence but with the “Jake” of the people who died in the crash.  Ya know, the guy who interacted with a bunch of people except they didn’t make it to the island.

More Detailed Episode Recap

These people are stuck on an island.  They tried detonating a bomb to disrupt a space time continuum, which is 100 times better than using a boat when trying to get somewhere.  The bombing didn’t work (or did it?!?!?! it didn’t.) so now everyone is dying left and right and everyone is mad at Jake because his plan didn’t work. Juliette is trapped under a bunch of steel. How’d she get there?  She fell down a hole, survived, and then beat an H-bomb (according to my cable TV episode guide) with a rock til it blew up.    Sawyer seems pretty grouchy about the whole thing.  Juliette dies.  Meanwhile, the Indian guy got shot but they just ignored him even though he was coughing up blood and still had a chance to live.  I guess they figured since Juliette was at the center of a bomb detonation, they had less time to save her.

The choice on who to save is pretty clear.

This island also has ghosts of people who died in Westside Storyesque knifefights (Jacob) or bald people (John).  The ghosts are of differing helpfulness.  The Jacob ghost tells the fat guy to take the dead Indian to a hole in a temple and not to forget the guitar case.  That sounds like the beginning of a joke or one of those sentences that contains every letter of the alphabet.  The John ghost turns out to be “the monster” according to the weinery guy.  The monster starts busting skulls on some henchmen who come in to find Jacob.

The Jake Gang takes the shot dude to a temple via VW Van.  There, an Asian guy who hates English so much he won’t speak it busts open a cross to get a love note.  When the Jake Gang finds out it says they’re all in trouble if the Indian dude dies, everyone in the Jake Gang gets a look on their face that says “Uh oh.  Maybe we should have paid attention to him instead of spending 8 hours getting Juliette out from the rubble.”  Don’t worry though, the Asian guy just drowns him in a hot tub, sets off a firework, and low and behold, the Indian guy is good as new.  The end.

You’ll notice I didn’t recap the plane stuff because there isn’t much more to what is above.

Thoughts I Have

• Everyone seems unfairly angry at Jake.  If you pitched an idea to me that involved setting off an H-bomb on an island, you’d have to have A LOT of factual support for me to go along with it.  And if it didn’t work, well, I don’t think I have much right to point the finger.
• Where’d all these modern amenities come from? They used flashlights that I assume use D batteries.  I have a hard time finding those in a major city.  Also, they have beer.
• I can’t get over the fact that they ignored the Indian dude and let him die.
• For a deserted island there are an awful lot of people.
• Bloody kisses are gross.  If I was Sawyer I would have killed time until Juliette died so I wouldn’t have to swap platelets.
• While on the Sawyer topic, why is he helping a fugitive escape the TSA?
• Everyone is pretty well kept for having been on an island.  Even Richard looks like he has his supply of eyeliner.
• When the plane landed I was expecting a cut shot to an autistic kid playing with an island snow globe.

Just like St. Elsewhere!

That’s it for Episode 1 of the final season of LOST.