Episode 2 of the Final Season of LOST

SPOILER ALERT!!! This is my usual disclaimer that this blog contains a bunch of secrets. Unless you have seen the episode. Shhhhhhhh.

At least it has a nice airport.

Before we dive in I have to admit that looking back on the notes I jotted down I have no idea what half of them mean. I am not sure if that is an indication of my poor ability to take notes or the show’s inability to make any sense. One thing is clear to me now though: Each episode will feature a different person in their “we didn’t crash” life. Last night it was Kate’s turn. She’s a fugitive with a heart of gold. She is also a living example of why women will never make it as ruthless criminals (they’re just a bunch of softies behind that tough exterior). As such, I am going to break up these descriptions into what is happening on the island and what is happening in the non-plane crash world. Or as I like to call it, Snoozeville. ZING!

Overall What Is Happening

Kate is a bad person who robs a cab with a pregger lady in it. She then asks some dude to bust her out of her handcuffs and he’s all like “sure”. Kate doesn’t shoot him after he is done. Which I don’t get. No. Witnesses. Instead she goes to the bathroom to freshen up. Kate looks at a plush whale and realizes she doesn’t have a super best friend. She goes back and gets Pregger from the bus stop in the middle of nowhere. I hope Kate goes to jail for leaving her in the middle of nowhere. They go to a house where some lady says her husband left her and she doesn’t want the surrogate baby Pregger is carrying anymore. No phone call? Also, advice for the reproductively challenged, go local with your surrogate. Don’t make a 32 week pregnant woman get on an 18 hour flight. I know you want the cute accent, but that is nurture, not nature. Clearly all this stress induces some labor.

Whew. Nothing like a relaxing smoke after being held at gunpoint and abondoned in the middle of nowhere.

They go to the hospital where Kate approaches a doctor named Dr. Goodspeed (totally fake name). This kinda dorky doctor drops everything to help Preggers and upon entering the room seems to know an awful lot about what is going. Everyone gets scared when the baby flat lines. It’s ok though, Dr. Goodspeed slaps her belly and the baby wakes back up. Later, Pregger lady helps Kate duck the police (which seems weird considering 4 hours ago she was pointing a gun at her). Best friends accomplished. On her way out Kate says “keep the kid”. Gee. Thanks for the advice. You wanna pay to raise a kid? No? Cool, then stop giving me tips.

I don’t even know how to summarize what happened on the island. Said got shot, drowned in a hot tub, hooked up to a car battery, burned with a hot poker, then was almost poisoned. A few more and we hit Bill Murray’s rant from Groundhog Day.

Jack, as always, is a dreamboat. Pretentious Asian decides to let him into his inner circle, only because he is handsome. Pretentious Asian makes some cryptic references that I am sure will be revealed later.

No word from Team Jacob. Apparently the Sad Day Monster ate them all.

Sawyer runs away. Kate goes after him. Claire shows up to shoot some pirates.

More Detailed Episode Recap

Not much else to the “Kate if the plane landed” recap above. Other than two points. While carjacking a cab, she still takes time to look over and make longing love eyes with Jack. To-tal Dream-boat. Also while carjacking, some dude spilled 5 suitcases into the sidewalk. I want to know A) how this happened and B) why it took so long to pick them up.

To the island. Said is alive and Jack, who has lost all medical credibility with me, offers him some water. Clearly after being face down in a hot tub for 10 minutes you’re gonna be a little parched. Pretentious Asian seems pretty surprised that Said is alive even though he was the one who tried to bring him back to life.

MEANWHILE… Sawyer sez “nuts to this, I’m outta here”, as any good rebel would. He makes a break for it and gets away from all the dudes with guns. Kate and a curly haired Asian dude say they want to go after him. They get paired up with a couple of the pirates and go hunting.

MEANWHILE… The Pretentious Asian says he needs to pow-wow with Said. Which is clearly a racist joke since Said is Indian (shame on you, Lost writers). Back in the back room, the Pretentious Asian hooks Said up to the torture machine from The Princess Bride. A car battery to the nipples (Said is really hairy) and a hot poker to the midsection later, Said is free to go. The Translator says he has passed the test. Then looks sad when he asks Pretentious Asian if he just lied to him. Information update: If I haven’t mentioned it, the Pretentious Asian has a translator. Up til last night I always thought he looked like a high school art teacher who got high and played the drums on weekends. Last night he made a shift. Now he reminds me of… well… let’s just say if there were kids on the island when he got there all the parents would be getting an e-mail notification.

First the Empire, now some random plane crash survivors. Ewoks are bloodthirsty.

MEANWHILE… The Sawyer Hunting Gang is out in the woods and brotha, it is contentious. Mac from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Kate don’t see eye toeye. The other two dudes are like “whatevs”. Someone set traps on the island. Those people are no longer around. Clearly it was Ewoks. Whilst discussing the traps, Mac finally flips his lid and gets all up in Kate’s business about her knocking him out before. Well, she knocks him out and then launches the Ewok trap on the other guy. Then she runs for it.

She finds Sawyer at some houses that… have… running water? They talk about how… there… were… several planes? And Kate came back to this island? And Sawyer and Juliette lived in one of the houses? None of this made sense to me. At all. It actually sounds like a pretty sweet deal to be on that island and young and there is a dreamboat of a doctor to take care of you. There’s no point in trying to escape. Oh yeah, and Mac said something about them being “others”. Which confirms that there were a bunch of planes that crashed here and so they built houses with plumbing. Got it? Me too. The island is some sort of vacation destination that you get to via plane crash.

MEANWHILE… Said comes back downstairs and is all like “they tortured me, boo-hoo.” So Jack, being the cool dude he is, goes to lay some smack down on Pretentious Asian. He approaches the guards and says “Let me through” at which point the guards step aside and let him through. Which might make them the worst guards ever. Upstairs, Pretentious Asian has concocted a pill for Said to take to feel better. Pretentious Asian lets Jack know Said is infected. Jack asks “What happens if we don’t treat the infection?” Pretentious Asian, “It spreads”. Me, (slow clap). Great doctoring Jack. Untreated infections spread. Jack is 0 for 15 in proving to me that he has any scientific knowledge.

The key to the medicine is Jack has to dupe Said into taking it. It has to be taken willfully or it will not work. Sounds to me like Pretentious Asian is hedging his bets in case the pill doesn’t work. When Jack rejoins the group, Said is describing death to a couple dudes. Pay attention Hurley. Jack asks to talk to him alone and one guy says “C’mon on Hurley, let’s go to the food court”. I assume that was a knock on Hurley’s weight. Which means, combining me and that guy, Hurley has gotten zinged twice in 30 seconds of screen time. Said is reluctant to take the pill. Says he trusts Jack, which seems crazy to me. I don’t trust this guy at all. I actually trust the dude who brought you back to life already. Why question him now? Jack sez, let me go talk to the Pretentious Asian.

Pretentious Asian is playing with a baseball and now speaks English consistently. I knew we would get to him eventually. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! We also find out his name is Toga. Right on. Jack, being the medical expert he is, takes the pill. Which we find out is poison. Also, Toga says that everyone was brought here. Jack asks what he means. I ask what he means too. But he never says. I assume he means they were all brought here by planes that landed safely, hence all the references to multiple planes and coming and going. And Said has been claimed… K.

MEANWHILE… Kate, Sawyer, Curly Haired Asian get found by the pirates. Someone shoots the pirates. It’s CLAIRE!!!!!!!!!1! (who the f is Claire?)

Thoughts I Have

• Where did everyone get such nice fitting jeans? And hair product.
• I really don’t understand why everyone is trying to get off the island. You are there with handsome/pretty people and plumbing.
• Mac being in this episode really killed the illusion for me. Now I don’t believe that this actually happened/is happening. This would be a better show if Danny Devito was the monster.
• I thought I had it all figured out last week. But this week there was no monster, no ghosts, no Team Jacob, and no medical common sense from Jack. Also there were 50 references to other planes.

The Monster, Ghost, and Team Jacob are anxiously awaiting their appearance next week.