SPOILER ALERT!!!!! If you have not seen the latest episode of LOST then you didn’t miss much. But you will also find out what happens if you read this blog. So proceed at your own peril. Even though there is no real danger, just potential psychological damage from finding out what happens in an episode of LOST before watching it.
This week’s lesson is “Be careful what you wish for”. The last couple weeks I’ve had a hard time keeping up because so much was happening in each episode. I was hoping it would slow down a bit. Then it’s like an incompetent Genie heard my wish and made it happen. Although, since he is incompetent, he made an episode where we got two story lines where the same thing happens in both and it’s really boring. Incompetent Genie needs to file this one in the bad-over-delivery-on-a-wish file.
The other theory here is that the writers, in a scramble to wrap up the season, crammed as much as they could in the last two episodes. Then they realized they still have 5 episodes left and have explained everything already. So now we get 4 episodes of everyone just kinda hanging out, waiting for the final conflict. Ruh-roh, Shaggy, this could be a long 4 episode stretch.
Overall What is Happening
Not a lot. We get Ben this week which should have been red flag number one. We learn some truths about him:
1) He is power hungry wherever he goes
2) He will do whatever John Locke tells him to. Even if John Locke is being portrayed by the Sad Day Monster.
3) He’s a dork.
4) Despite being power hungry he goes with what is “right”. Even though right isn’t necessarily better. And is only created because he does some real shady stuff.
5) There’s not a lot of fun in his life.
Seriously. That’s it. Oh, and Richard showed back up. So that’s cool.
More Detailed Episode Recap
We get to follow Ben at school where we get a nice reminder that Napoleon was exiled to Elba. Ben says that the loss of his power was worse than death. He didn’t get to make the point that the years of poisoning that eventually did kill him was worse than losing his power. I provide History lessons (or really old conspiracy theories) at no extra charge.
After class Ben is minding his own bidniss when Dr. Jerry Hathaway from Real Genius (!) approaches him. He goes by Principal Reynolds, but I’m not fooled. I’m gonna keep calling him Jerry (“Don’t call me Jerry.” “Sorry, Jerry.” “Kent, you’re doing it again.”) Huh? What? Sorry, blacked out there, back to Real Genius. Wait, no, Lost. So Jerry is in full on jerk mode and assigns Ben to be head of detention this week. As he walks away, Jerry calls him Mr. Linus. Ben corrects him by saying “It’s Dr. Linus”. No one cares.
Ben starts complaining to the sloppy science teacher. He points out that Jerry is more an administrator than a teacher and can’t run this school. Eavesdrop Magee (John Locke) butts in and says “you be principal then”. His argument is based on watching him flip out on a coffee machine and rant about hating the current principal. That’s all he needs to entrust the school to someone with no experience. Ben complains that no one would listen to him. John says he would. I say I would not.
That night Ben making TV dinner for his dad who is hooked up to an oxygen tank. Ben is complaining that he got a Doctorate in Modern European History but now all he does is babysit losers. Yep. That sounds like the correct career path with that degree. Ben says he might be the biggest loser of all. Yep. Sounds about right. Not sure where all this clairvoyance came from on, but no arguments here.
As his dad is going on a pill induced rant about an island and how it could have made Ben a non-nerd, there is a knock at the door. Ben answers and it is an attractive 22 year old student of his from the high school (Alex). She wants to know why he missed history club. He had to watch detention. Alex is dropping serious clues that she wants to end up on the news for indiscretions. Ben doesn’t see it. She finally asks if he will help her study (note that she has books with her). Ben says “sure, meet you in the library at 7am.” She says OK and leaves. For her, that had to be a worst case scenario. She came over hoping to seduce her teacher and now she has to meet him in the library at 7am. Bummer.
The next day Alex is pretending to care about studying but she can’t focus because she is trying to figure out how to catch Ben in her romance trap. She starts complaining about how she’ll never get into Yale and maybe not even college. Ben says he believes in her. She tries again to make a pass at Ben by referring to Jerry as “that pervert Reynolds”. He asks what happened. She says she went to go take a nap in the nurse’s office and when she woke up there was some freaky deaky activities happening in the other room between Jerry and the Nurse. Ben, in his time with this 22 year old girl, has already proven he doesn’t believe in consensual sex between adults, so he is outraged. Oh, and Alex needs a recommendation from Jerry to get into Yale.
Ben takes his newfound knowledge to the Sloppy Science Teacher who is flunkin’ kids left and right. Ben propositions him with hacking Jerry’s e-mail so he can become principal. I don’t think this was what Locke had in mind when he pitched this concept. After a little negotiation, he agrees to it. Then Sloppy Science Teacher says “You had me fooled with the sweatervest. You’re a real killer.” I don’t know what the LOST writers have against sweatervests, but I love them and would appreciate it if they would take a break from dressing weird creepy kids in them or implying that all of Ben’s weinerism comes from it.
Ben goes to confront Jerry. 30 emails over 3 months. You retire, ask that I become your successor. Jerry says, what about this. He shows him a computer with an e-mail on it. I don’t think the school has updated their e-mail interface since 1997 because Holy Lord that font is big. It’s a note from Alex saying “can you write me a recommendation to Yale?” Tip for the high schoolers reading this blog: Ask for a recommendation in person, not through e-mail. Anyway, Jerry says the choice is yours, Ben. Either you knock this nonsense off or I destroy this girl’s future. BOOM!
Ben chickens out. He put the needs of one student he has the hots for over helping an entire school full of kids. Somewhere in Italy Machiavelli is now face down in his grave (he was on his back before). Alex thanks Jerry for the dope reco. Ben gets out of detention duty so History Club is back! w00t! As he leaves the office he runs into Sloppy Science Teacher who asks if he did it. Ben replies “No, I didn’t. But the federal government is looking for you on computer fraud charges. They take that stuff pretty seriously. Good luck.”
On the island of love, Ben is running through the forest and comes across the remnants of Team Jacob + Miles. Illya (?) is totes suspicious of Ben. She asks Miles if he can talk to dead people. Miles says not technically forgetting that there is really no technical way to talk to the dead. He can, however, pick up some last vibes. Illya hands Miles a sack full of Jacob to find out what happened. He says Ben stabbed him dead. No one likes Ben anymore.
They get to the beach where they find some wreckage. Cool, this is a show about a plane crash then. Illya says she’ll build a shelter, some people get food and build a fire. Miles says “oh sure, because fire will fix everything.” Miles and I high-five. Ben tries to defend himself by accusing Miles of trying to blackmail him before. Not cool, Ben. Sea Captain tells Ben he sucks at making friends.
Later, the Asian Lady tells Illya she needs to find Jin. Illya tells us what we all know, which is that one of the Kwans is a candidate to take over for Jacob on the island. But here’s the shocker: There’s only 6 more candidates left! (cue game show music)
We rejoin the Jack and Hurley adventure to find Hurley dreaming about cheese curds. Really? This is just getting mean, LOST writers. Jack wakes him up and says they need to get back to the temple. Hurley says he wants to eat (c’mon). Jack says they’ll eat on the way. I assume there’s a Hardee’s on the island that Jack is referring to. Richard pops out from the bushes. Jack asks where he came from. Richard says the wouldn’t believe him yet. Great. Jack says he’ll follow him to the temple. Hurley makes excuses about trusting him. Jack says “At least he’s not Stalin.” Good point.
Turns out Sea Captain is an Air Captain and was supposed to fly one of the planes that crashed. But he overslept. And he ended up on the island anyway. Illya comes over and takes Ben at gunpoint over to another area. She tells him to start digging. He says “digging what”. She says “A Grave.” “Whose?” “Yours.” “Cool, I’ll get right on that.” I dunno if I agree with Ben philosophically on this one. If someone wanted to shoot me I would make them dig the grave. Why make their life any easier, right?
Ben is making some good headway with a really crappy shovel. Miles comes over and starts giving him guff. Ben tries to bribe him to help him out. Miles says he doesn’t need money cuz there’s some diamonds buried there. Ben thought Jacob wanted to die, Miles informs him he is wrong. That Jacob hoped he was wrong about Ben. I don’t know why, but Miles really hates Ben. Wait. He’s heard him talk. Nevermind, I know why.
Hurley asks Richard if he was time traveling (weird question) since he looks the same now as he did thirty years ago. Richard says it’s because Jacob gave him a gift (probably make up). There’s a little tift because Richard lied and didn’t take them to the temple because everyone is dead. He says he needs to die. Get this guy some Zoloft.
Richard goes into what I assume to be Noah’s ark. He’s in there snooping around and Jack comes in. All the ladies hope this turns into a shirtless push up contest. Then Hurley shows up and ruins the fun. Richard says he needs to die but can’t kill himself. He could never destroy something so handsome. Apparently Jacob touches you and you get superpowers. Richard was part of a plan, but if Jacob is dead, then there is no plan and he might as well blow himself up. I’m not a passenger on his logic train, but there’s nothing I can do to stop him. Jack says nonsense and lights the fuse on dynamite and sits with him. Jack’s theory is that somehow he will survive this because he is supposed to be alive. Hurley freaks out. He says he’ll be a mile away if anyone needs him. They must be near a hill he intends to roll down.
Just as the dynamite is about to go boom, the fuse blows out. Jack says “wanna try another stick?” Ummmmm… Is LOST turning into a gay porn? It’s fine if it is, I just want to know because then I’ll go ahead and shut this blog down.
Ben has dug a really deep hole at this point. He must want to get buried standing up. Sad Day Monster shows up and tells Ben he’s getting a dance crew together to get out of dodge. Here’s how you can join us and undoes his little leg clasp. Ben makes a break for it and Illya does a terrible job chasing him. He gets to a rifle and makes Illya drop hers. He just wants to explain.
I have transcribed his speech: “I knows what you’re feeling. I watched my daughter die, it was my fault. I had a chance to save her but I chose the island over her all in the name of Jacob. I sacrificed everything for him and he didn’t even care. I stabbed Jacob. I was so mad and confused and terrified. I thought I was going to lose my power. The thing that really mattered was already gone. I’m sorry I killed Jacob, I didn’t expect you to forgive me because I never was able to forgive myself. I want to leave… [Locke] is the only one who will have me.” Get that man an Emmy (wipes away tear).
Illya says she will have him. Aaaaaaw. Ben goes back with her. It was super awkward when they got back. No one likes Ben. I was kinda hoping Air Captain would shoot him on sight.
Team Jacob is relaxin’ on the beach. Not to be outdone by my Toga montage from last week, the LOST writers did a montage of their own. In this one, Jack, Richard, and Hurley come around the corner to the folks on the beach. Asian Lady and Hurley run to hug each, which I’m sure Hurley’s knees did not enjoy. Everyone is slapping fives and giving hugs. Ben still has his shirt tucked in for some unknown reason. We’re getting really close to the 60’s style beach party we’ve all been hoping for.
There’s a submarine off shore. One guy tells another guy there’s people on the beach. The other guy says “proceed as planned”. Guess we found the villain in our 60’s beach party movie.
Thoughts I Have
- Leonard Cohen was in the soundtrack for next week’s preview. I highly recommend him.
- Just me or did Hurley’s hair seem about 4 inches longer than the last time we saw him.
- Speaking of Hurley, the LOST writers are really mean to him about his weight.