SPOILER ALERT!!!!!! Yet again we will be exploring the latest episode of LOST for super secret secrets. Like what the show is REALLY about. I mean it this time. I’m sure they won’t change it again. Right? Sigh.
My plan was to go do some internet snooping and sound all smart as I explain what multiple universe theories are and how they are related, but then I got really confused by the Wikipedia entry and gave up. I can’t imagine anything as intellectually degrading as being confused by Wikipedia. Frown.
I’m also a little nervous that last week a guy got pulled out of a submarine and this week we got a whole episode dedicated to him. If each of these characters is getting their own storyline, then we have a long way to go before getting to the end of the series. Thankfully (for many reasons), we stopped dedicating every other episode to Jack. Thankfully we have one storyline to follow this time. Unthankfully the theme of this episode was love. And not the good, passionate kind of love that Ricardo treated us to. This was the love at first sight, everything is sunshine and lollipops, I’m gonna marry that cute boy/girl/class pet that I met in jr high kind of love. Gross.
Overall What is Happening
So LOST is a sales pitch for the concept of multiple universes. That explains a lot of what has been happening in this show. In one universe you’re on an evil island with Sad Day Monster. In another, Linus is a shady teacher, Locke can’t feel his legs, Kate is fugitive, Jin and Sun can’t speak English, Claire is slightly less crazy, Jack is a terrible dad, Sawyer and Miles are secret cop lovers, and Sayid… well… Sayid is pretty much the same guy, he just has no respect for the vows of marriage. I think you know where my preference lies. (Hugs Sad Day Monster)
Desmond is a dude who can withstand HUUUUUGE amounts of electromagnetic activity. He also is a dude who wants to get freaky with the boss’s daughter. After a long day of “corral the crazy” another dude explains that huge amounts of energy can mess up the universe and send it down and alternate path. It gives Desmond a crazy idea about contacting everyone else on his flight. As you can tell, lots o’ crazies in this episode.
More Detailed Episode Recap
Dez (can I call you Dez? Great.) wakes up and is all groggy and junk. Smurfette (the only chick on nerd island) informs him that he has been unconscious for 3 days and they gave him a shot to help wake him up. I hope they changed his clothes before waking him up, because after 3 days he has to be covered in filth. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.
Dez asks Smurfette if she is a nurse. She somehow holds back the feminist frustration as she wonders how to make it any clearer that she is a geophysicist. Dez asks to see Penny. We learn that that dork Linus shot him. Whitmore comes in to instill peace. He lets Dez know that he’ll see his wife and kid soon enough but if he had asked Desmond to come with him to the island, he would have never come with him. Dez goes B-A-N-A-N-A-S and starts beating Whitmore with his IV. They inform him the island isn’t done with him yet. As long as they keep bringing him back there it never will be. He gets subdued and screams. This whole sequence reminded me a lot of The Room (http://tinyurl.com/ayygso). Which I realize is probably the most insulting thing you can say about something, but that is not my intention.
Now that Dez is under control, they can turn their attention to Jin. He demands to know why Dez is here. Whitmore says to take him to the generator room to explain. Because words are hard. Some nerd flips out that the test isn’t supposed to be until tomorrow. Whitmore informs them he is aware of the schedule, but would like to test it now anyway. As they are walking, Smurfette tells Jin this is not time for sightseeing. He wasn’t really sightseeing. Just looking at the shed. No need for a ‘tude.
The next sequence is an absolute delight of scientific terms that 99% of the audience can’t call nonsense on because we don’t know any better. These all might be real things, but to me it sounded like kids playing pretend. The EN field is functioning! We have a faulty contact! Check the solanoids! All this means the machine is busted. They send out Man #1 to scope things out. While he is gone, one of the nerds turns to a rabbit and let’s him know he is going to die once they get this fixed. Cool. Thanks for the heads up, chief.
Whilst Man #1 is checking things out inside the machine, Bumbleclot (the clumsy 50’s sitcom stereotype) notices that the fuse is just out (headslap). Oblivious to the world around him, Bumbleclot throws the switch and turns on the machine. Man #1 starts getting electromagnetized. Despite everyone yelling to turn off the machine, Bumbleclot takes at least 5 minutes to finally power the thing down.
Everyone runs out to make sure Man #1 is really dead. I was expecting Dr. Manhattan to emerge and that we would have to look at a giant blue organ (c’mon, you know what I’m talking about) for the rest of the episode. Lucky for the fellas, the guy just got crisped. Desmond looks scurred. They’ll probably do the rabbit after him, then. Seems like they are wasting a perfectly good test bunny if they don’t. Also, what are they trying to test with the rabbit? That’s like testing if a gun will kill someone by shooting a cat.
The good news is they have a sheet to cover up the burnt up guy. Whitmore says “Stop. I want to look into his eyes one more time.” After showing everyone who joined the show late what they missed, he puts the sheet back and says to put Desmond inside. They drop him in a chair and a nerds asks if he has keys or chains. Whitmore flips out at the question and says “Course he doesn’t!” Whitmore has really high expectations for these scientists’ knowledge of kidnapping. Thankfully, we get the lazy explanation that we need to find out if Desmond can survive a catastrpohic event because he will have to survive another one for the good of the island. Also, Whitmore sacrificed his son for the good of the island.
It takes Dez all of 10 seconds to break out of the chair. They turn on the machine. Magnetic Flux Density! And Desmond passes out. Stock footage of clouds. Airport. Smoothest transition to Snoozeville yet.
Desmond is looking at a board when Hurley tells him their baggage is on carousel 4. Thanks Hurley. Stop trying to pick up dudes at the airport and mind your own business. At carousel 4, Desmond starts hitting on Claire because picking up a pregnant Australian woman at the LAX baggage claim is on his bucket list. This serves two purposes: One) Have Desmond interact with Claire to meet the criteria that everyone see each other again. Two) Find out Desmond doesn’t like surprises.
Desmond meets his driver, named George. George is annoying. I’m a little surprised he doesn’t double as a translator. He offers to get Desmond dinner reservations or prostitutes. This guy is so annoying that even if I did want a hooker I would have someone else get it for me. Dez just asks to get taken to the office. George makes secret plans to send a hooker up.
At the office Dez and Whitmore have a bro hug. Whitmore has a job for Dez. His son is a musician. It’s basically a combination of classical with modern rock. I’m imagining Sigur Ros. Or that time Metallica played with an orchestra. The band’s name is Dry Shaft. Ummmmmm… why? Desmond’s job is to keep an eye on an OD’ing bassist. Desmond says sure. The correct answer is “C’mon. You want me to keep an eye on a junkie bassist in a band named Dry Shaft? You’re messing with me, right?” I guess Desmond just has no self respect.
At the fuzz (police) station, Condom Drug Hobbit (CDH) emerges. He’s the bassist! And we have another improbable encounter of two people who were on the same flight. CDH immediately scores points with me by blowing off Desmond, walking into traffic, and saddling up to a bar and drinking some whiskey. Then he immediately loses all those points by going into a diatribe about how Desmond has never been in love. CDH says he was in love with a girl on the plane. Dez sez “Enlighten me.” “She had HUGE boo-” Oh. Wait. He says it was the girl with the handcuffs. Really, CDH? You’re losing your mind over Kate? I don’t even think she was the most attractive girl on the plane. Anyway, he goes into a story about how he saw the cops on the plane, he knew they would search him. He went to the bathroom to swallow his drugs (why not just throw them away?) and choked. Whilst choking he got enveloped with happy feelings and saw her. Therefore it must be love. I think it’s the heroine. He then says he woke up to some idiot standing over him asking if he is alright. Ha ha! Points returned for calling Jack an idiot!
Desmond, like everyone else, stopped listening to this boring story a while ago. He tells CDH he can either come with him or lose his music career. CDH sez it sounds like there really isn’t a choice. “There’s always a choice, brotha.” “Good point. I choose booze.” JK! He went with Desmond.
In the car, Dez and CDH are listening to the radio. CDH: “This is my band.” Me: “Then your band sucks.” Desmond is more polite and just ignores him. CDH, high on drugs, decides to prove his point about love and grabs the wheel. Apparently they’re in a Toyota because rather than just hitting the brakes, Desmond accelerates. With nowhere else to go, they drive into the ocean. Good thing that marina was there.
Desmond unbuckles his seatbealt and before escaping plays a quick game of “grab the undies” with an unconscious CDH. His survival instincts finally outweigh his perversion and he surfaces. Once above water, he realizes that people can’t breathe underwater and CDH is in trouble. He swims back down to get him. CDH has “Not Penny’s Boat” written on his hand. Dez saves him.
Dez is getting inspected by a lady doctor. Rather than requesting a hernia check, he keeps asking where the guy he came here with is. For some reason they won’t tell him. Once the doc finds out he had a few hallucinations, she wants to do an MRI. “I don’t have time for an MRI!” exclaims Dez. Doc sez tough beans, you’re not going anywhere til we know what’s going on in your head.
At the MRI machine the tech puts a blanket on him so no one can look up his gown. He also explains he’ll need to spend 30 minutes in there and there is a panic button. Don’t hit that though because then they will just need to start over. Guess what… He hits the panic button. But first he kept seeing a lady and kid and stuff. We know it is a hallucination because they used the same copper tone (not to be confused with Coppertone) from when CDH had stuff written on his hand. After hitting the panic button, he unstraps himself and makes a run for the door. The MRI tech doesn’t care about his job so he doesn’t stop him.
At the front desk Desmond is demanding to know where his friend is. I guess the doctor lied and they will let him go before knowing what is going on in his head. Don’t worry, Jack is right there. And they remember each other from the plane. What are the odds? Extremely low. Jack, in an attempt to think, looks befuddled as Dez explains his problem. Lucky for him, CDH cames barreling down the hall. Jack says “Stop!” and then gets knocked out of the way. It’s a good thing he’s handsome, cuz he ain’t offering much else.
Hospital chase. Desmond corners him. CHD starts talking about love again and says he isn’t playing a rock concert. After the sample we heard on the radio, I think that is a win for everyone. He tells Desmond to stop worrying about him and find Penny. Since this hospital is devoid of security, he walks past Dez and out the door. Desmond needs to stop taking advice from a junkie.
Whitmore has his feet up and Desmond on speakerphone, which tells us that he is a bigshot. Lacking any form of sympathy he calls Desmond a failure and says that he needs to tell Mrs. Whitmore that he failed. George, still confused as to why Desmond hasn’t requested hookers, tells him that she is a tough lady to deal with.
At the event, Desmond finds Mrs. Whitmore. He shakes her hand which instantly brings her out of menopause. She says don’t sweat the band and she appreciates him telling her in person. Who’s going to tell the rest of the band? Oh well. Desmond goes to leave and overhears the name Penny. He asks to see the guest list and Mrs. Whitmore gets vicious on him. Frankly, she confuses the hell out of me. She says he is not ready to see the guest list and stop looking for what he thinks he is looking for. Desmond leaves and asks George for a drink. Sign me up. George says “Whatever you need. Like some prostitutes. They’re ready whenever you are.” Then Dan Whitmore says he needs to talk to Dez.
I’m not going to waste anyone’s time by recapping the 30th rant about love and love at first sight in this episode. Basically, he saw a hot chick, fell in love, then did physics in his sleep (not a euphemism). The theory here is that there are separate lives we are supposed to live and with a huge boost of energy we can alter the life we are living. “So you want to set off a nuclear bomb.” “… I think I already did.” Look, Dan, you either did or you didn’t. You should know. Dan, trying to win a friend, tells Dez where he can find Penny. In an unlocked stadium.
Penny is running the stairs in a really awkward way I can’t put my finger on. Dez initiates the creepiest meeting I have seen. “Are you Penny?” “Yes.” “Great. I’m Desmond. I’ve been trying to track you down since I hallucinated underwater and saw the name Penny written on the hand of a known drug user. Even though it didn’t give a last name, I bet it was you.” She has terrible survival instincts. She should have maced him by now.
CUT TO THE ISLAND! Whoa. Oh. Desmond wakes up and is doing just dandy. He was only out a few seconds and Smurfette is intrigued. Whitmore starts to pitch him on the importance and Desmond sez he completely gets it and wants to know when we get started. Well, we’re 11 episodes in and nothing important has happened yet, Dez, so we’re on pace for another 30 hours before we get to where we need to go. I’m excited for the next epis-
Fake ending! Smurfette, Dez, and some nerds are walking through the woods. She wonders why he suddenly is so cooperative. Desmond says a lot can happen in 20 minutes. Unless it is an episode of Lost. In which case nothing happens in 20 minutes. Sayid pops out of the woods and murders some nerds. Or as I like to say, commits nerder. He tells Smurfette to run. She does. He tells Desmond he is in danger and needs to come with him. Desmond is smart and says “Great!” Wow, now that ending really left me hanging, I wonder if next week they-
Fake ending! Another one? Alright. Back to Snoozeville, Desmond passed out after shaking Penny’s hand. Penny is not thrown off. He asks if she wants to get a coffee. “I’m sweaty.” “I fainted.” I’m sorry, the correct answer is that it is 11pm and coffee will keep you up all night. Might I suggest going for a cocktail instead? Penny ignores me completely (ingrate) and says she will meet him in an hour at a coffee shop. So did she skip the charity event then?
Desmond gets back to his limo. George asks if he found what he was looking for. Dez sez yes and has a weird look on his face. George once again offers to get anything he needs. Desmond says there is one thing, those hookers you keep pushing on me. George gets excited and asks if he really wants them. Desmond says no, he really just wants the passenger list from his Oceanic flight. He needs to show them something. I don’t you can get that list, Desmond. Also, you don’t need it. You’ve encountered everyone on that flight at some point in the last 24 hours.
Thoughts I Have
- For the second straight week I watched next week’s promo. THERE’S A BLACK DUDE ON LOST!!!?!!?!?!??!
- There was a promo for “V” that said everyone is talking about the show. No they’re not, ABC. No one is talking about that show.
- Speaking of ABC. They put Jamie Oliver’s show on at 9pm Friday. I guess they assume all the fatties have nowhere to be on Friday night so they will be home to watch it. Kind of a mean assumption, programming directors.
- I wonder if the guy who plays Dan Whitmore is disappointed that Neil Patrick Harris stole his career. He could have been in Starship Troopers.
- Survival tip. If you drive into water, roll down the windows. Once the car fills up with water you will be able to open the door because the pressure will be normalized between the two. You should also have a way to break the glass in your windows so if you can’t get them down for some reason, you can break the glass, then let the car fill. I saw that on Dateline years ago. This entry just saved some lives.