Episode 12 of the Final Season of LOST

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!! This is a blog about another episode of LOST where nothing happens for 45 minutes then we get teased to tune in next week.  If you haven’t seen this week’s episode, then you should wait to watch it before reading all the different ways the LOST writers and I team up to disparage Hurley.

Everyone is ganging up on Hurley.

Side note. I was in high school when the last episode of Seinfeld aired.  For those unfamiliar with the show, one of the big gags of that final episode was having a cavalcade of past residual characters make appearances.  It was immensely rewarding for people who had loyally watched the show through its entirety.  The next day I was talking about the episode with a couple people (as you can surmise, I was very cool in high school) and one of the people said it was dumb and stupid and not funny and the worst thing he had ever seen (paraphrasing).  We didn’t love the episode, but we certainly didn’t have the same vitriolic reaction that he did.  Then someone asked if he had ever seen Seinfeld before.  He said no.  Mystery solved.  He just didn’t get the point.

Why did I write that really boring paragraph with lots of obscure words?  Because I realized I am that guy who had never seen an episode of Seinfeld but watched the finale.  When old characters come back I have no connection to them, I just judge based on what I see.  I think it finally dawned on me in this episode because it there were a couple characters from past seasons that would make a Lostie squee with delight.  But I just want to see someone fight or blow up.  Lucky for me, I got one of my wishes.

Oh, and this episode is about Hurley.  Which means that the writers on LOST and I will get a lot of stored up comments about his weight out of our system.  If you get offended, don’t shoot the messenger, the show makes more fun of him than I do.  I’m just more blatant about it.

Overall What is Happening

The cork on a bottle of wine analogy still holds up.  Ricardo even remembers it after 300 years (approx.).   We have the added layer that there’s a bunch of dead people who can’t move on from the island so their souls just wander aimlessly and they talk through one person who can hear them.  Which is the direct plot of the movie Ghost.  I’ll keep an eye out for Jack and Kate to make a clay pot.

Also, Team Protagonist is ready to bust some skulls against the Sad Day Monster’s ragtag crew of mercenaries.  But they don’t yet.

Detailed Episode Recap

We’re trying something new.  Instead of breaking up the storylines I am going to go how the story unfolds.  “But how will we know when you’re in what world?”  Don’t worry, beautiful reader, I’ll do the same thing LOST does and make helicopter sounds every time I switch.

We kick things off at a black tie affair with some old guy (who probably is critical to the plot of Lost) giving a speech.  He says “there is one thing we can all agree upon” (close up picture of Hurley shows up) “this guy eats too many cheeseburgers.”  No he didn’t.  He said everyone loves Hugo.  Which is already a better show than Everybody Loves Raymond.  He then continues on by saying that Hurley satisfied his lifelong love affair with chicken by buying the Mr. Cluck’s franchise.  There’s just a lot wrong with this whole sequence.  I’m pretty sure saying he had a lifelong love affair with chicken was a veiled dig at his weight.  Also, Mr. Cluck’s was the best chicken restaurant name they could come up with?  What a slap in the face to Popeye’s, KFC, and Chik-Fil-A. Why not… um… or…  I can’t think of any better names. But I’m sure they exist.

After degrading Hurley, the MC tries to build him back up by talking about all his charity work.  Nothing groundbreaking (pun intended) here other than one of the pictures is of Hurley in front of some land with a sign that says “experimental farming.”  The experiment is probably to see if he can grow McNuggets.

They announce Hugo Reyes as man of the year and they give him a T-Rex trophy, which is pretty awesome, but not very professional.  His mom starts giving him the business after the award show.  “Everyone loves Hugo but women.”  Ouch, Mrs. Reyes.  Hurley says he is too busy.  His mom says he is too scared.  I say he’s too fat.  All sound theories.  Mrs. Reyes backs up her talk and informs Hurley she set him up for a blind date.  This is one thing I have to disagree with.  Hurley is a funny nice dude with TONS of money who does a lot of philanthropic work.  I guarantee there is a woman out there who would aggressively pursue him.  The actor who plays Hurley probably gets this effect just because he portrays Hurley. Anyway…

Woosh Woosh Woosh

Hurley is out in the woods kneeling at a little cross with the name Libby written on it.  He then proceeds to beg a corpse to talk to him.  Not one of his bettter moments.  When Illyana shows up she asks some questions about who Libby was.  Thanks, Illyana.  Turns out it was the girl that liked Hurley as more than friends.  I can say “the” vs “a” because there has been only one.  They were going to have a picnic but she was murdered.  Bummer.  Hurley makes his signature frowny face. You know what I’m talking about.  He always makes a frowny face (his “acting” face) where it looks like his upper lip and bottom lip are wrestling and his bottom lip is winning in a landslide.  Whatever, I notice it.

A black guy (!?) showed up while I was dissecting Hurley’s lips.  He’s here to stop Hurley from getting everyone killed.  He’s gonna shut down his fast food franchise?  This is the guy who killed Libby.  Instantly trustworthy. He informs Hurley that since everyone is listening to Hurley now, everyone will die.  Aw.  Poor Hurley.

Woosh Woosh Woosh

Hurley is sitting alone in a mexican restaurant racking some tortilla chips.  Chip Guy must have thought “son of a b” when Hurley sat down.  This show also seems a little racist for sending Hugo Reyes to a Mexican restaurant.  Of course, it would have been hard for the writers to squeeze in jokes about Hurley eating chips alone if they hadn’t.  The restaurant is called Spanish Johnny’s.  Somehow they did worse than Mr. Cluck’s.

These tables tend to stand out in a restaurant.

A blonde woman shows up and seems really disoriented. The only complaint against her is that she looks like she has some miles (not the cool guy on the island) on her.  Hurley has no chance.  Turns out this is not his blind date but just a woman who saw him from across the restaurant.  She reaches out and holds hands.  Yes! Score, Hurley! Toss game! Toss game!  She asks if Hurley believes in love at first sight. Hurley bumbles and sweats.  You’re blowing it! She then asks if Hurley remembers her.  He asks “should I?”  Fellas, if in this scenario, the answer is always “course I do.”  You can figure it out later.  Senator Kelly (from X-Men) comes over to throw salt on Hurley’s game.  She calls him Dr. Brooks.  Apparently she wandered off.  There was an asylum trip over to Spanish Johnny’s I guess.  Hurley follows them out and we see a bunch of crazies getting into a van.  Guess Hurley didn’t notice the table of six people who are mentally abnormal when he walked in.  Based on what I can tell of the people getting into the van, I’m not sure how.  Either way, High Standards Hurley still wants to hang out with Libby.

Woosh Woosh Woosh

Illyana has a big ol’ satchel of boom sticks.  There’s a little trepidation in the folks around her.  She points out that she was supposed to hear from Richard what to do next.  Richard says blow up the plane, so let’s blow it up. She’s also been training for this her whole life.  Good thing things worked out the way they did then.  KABOOM! Dynamite goes off.  So she’s dead.  Which is good because I was tired of typing her name.  Although, based on what we learned in the first episode when Juliette set off a nuke, Illyana is probably fine.

On the other side of the island, Sad Day Monster is widdlin’.  Sawyer is awesome and starts asking him why they’re just sitting around.  Locke says, for the 15th time, that since they all came to the island together they need to leave together.  Is no one on this island paying attention?  He even specifies he needs Hurley, Jack and Sun.  Starting writing this down, Lost characters.

Sayid shows up looking a little guilty.  He asks to talk to Locke in private.  Locke is way too eager to accommodate.  I think he thinks they’re gonna go make out in the woods.  Locke is disappointed Sayid didn’t kill those nerds on the island.  Sayid leads him to a clearing where Desmond is happily tied to a tree.  Locke gives a very weird long creepy look.  Images of Deliverance pop in my head.  Not because of Lost.  It just happens from time to time.

Now that Illyana blew up, Team Protagonist is left figuring out next steps.  Richard thinks they should get more dynamite.  Jack sez that maybe Illyana died to teach us to stay away from dynamite.  They all agree that Richard is right because Jack is always wrong.  They plan to go get more dynamite.  Surprisingly, no one asks Jack why he’s been walking around with a backpack on for the last 2 hours.

Woosh Woosh Woosh

Hurley is in one of his restaurants and orders a bucket of fried chicken (see what I mean when I say they make fun of him).  Dez happens to be in the same Mr. Cluck’s.  He approaches Hurley and says he recognizes him.  He asks him if he was on Oceanic flight 815.  Hurley looks as interested in this conversation as I am.  Dez calls him out on the bucket of chicken.  Hurley says he eats when he’s depressed.  By looking at him, Hurley must be suicidal.  Hurley starts telling Dez about Libby and how he met this awesome girl (you didn’t even talk to her, grow up) and now she’s gone.  Dez asks if he believed her when she said she knew him.  Hurley says yes because he is desparate.  Dez gives some interesting advice that Hurley should find out where she thinks she knows him from before giving up.  I don’t believe this whole sequence because of the simple reason that I doubt Dez would go eat at Mr. Cluck’s.

Woosh Woosh Woosh

Dez is surprisingly calm for being tied to a tree.  Desmond tells Sad Day Monster waaaaaay too much info about being kidnapped and blasted with electromagnetism.  Sad Day Monster seems surprised at all the info and asks Dez if he knows who he is.  Desmond sez “you’re John Locke.”  Sad Day Monster keeps a poker face.  He tells Sayid to go away and he and Desmond are going to go for a walk.  I think we all know where this is going.

Team Protagonist goes running through the woods.  I think they are only a slight upgrade from the nerd army on nerd island.  Linus gets all boring and talks about how the island was done with Illyana and so she blew up. They lost Hurley.  No one knows where he is.  I doubt he outran any of you, how do you not know where he is?  Oh, there he is, running towards us.  KABOOM, he blows up Richard’s boat.  Good work Hurley.

Hurley claims he did this to protect everyone.  Michael (the token black guy) told him to.  We also find out there are a bunch of dead people yelling at Hurley.  That’s sad for him.

Woosh Woosh Woosh

Hurley is talking to Senator Kelly (Dr. Brooks) who informs him that Lilly has issues with reality and it wouldn’t be a good idea for Hurley to see her.  This is a terrible version of Romeo and Juliet.  Hurley starts talking about donations to the hospital.  Senator Kelly seems confused.  Look, Hurley knows how prostitution works.  How much will it cost for me to bang one of your patients?  And apparently there is a price.

A copy of the check Hurley wrote to Dr. Brooks.

Hurley just hangs out in the lobby with the other patients.  Which seems like stange protocol.  She comes out, he stands up to greet her.  He does a Yokozuna Banzai Drop on an unfortunate folding chair, they start chatting.  Libby says that she saw him in a commercial and instantly started having other memories of their life together.  What kind of memories asks Hurley.  “A plane crash.  A flimsy plot with inane twists.  A naive view of love.  Oh and an island.  We knew each other.”  Hurley says this is his first time in a mental hospital.  Usually he buys his women at clubs you have to have a secret password to enter.  And he doesn’t remember her.  She gets upset and says she knows she is crazy.  If you are aware of your insanity, does that really make you sane?  Something to ponder.  Libby is here voluntarily so she can leave whenever she wants.  Hurley wants to know if she wants to do something.  “You mean… like a date…?”  Yes. He means like a date. Other than using a stereotypical line the only reason to ask him this in this situation is to get a heads up on whether he’s gonna make a move or not.

Woosh Woosh Woosh

Dez and Sad Day Monster are walking through the woods.  Sad Day Monster sees a kid.  The kid smiles at him.  Sad Day Monster tells Desmond to ignore him and seems incredibly frustrated.  Is Sad Day Monster a pedophile?

Ricardo is freaking out about the blown up dynamite.  Hurley says that Jacob is telling him they just have to go talk to Sad Day Monster.  Ricardo tells Hurley to ask Jacob what the island is.  Yes, please do, for the sake of all of us.  Ricardo is trying to prove Hurley is not talking to Jacob.  I like Ricardo.  He’s smart.  Hurley says he doesn’t have to prove anything.  Yes you do Hurley. You can’t just make a claim that people need to go reason with a murdering rain cloud instead of blowing up it’s only means of escaping without having some justification.  Ricardo starts his own branch of protagonists.  Miles is with him.  So is Linus.  Jack is with Hurley.  Uh oh.  Guess we know Hurley is wrong now.  Sun and the Air Captain join Hurley’s squad too.

Somehow 6 hours pass since they had this conversation and they’re walking through the jungle at night.  Sun asks Air Captain if they made a mistake.  Air Captain says probably.  I say definitely.  Hurley confesses to Jack he didn’t see Jacob back there.  He wanted people to listen.  Jack sees Hurley making a play for an Emmy and gives the following monologue: “Ever since I got Juliette killed I wanted to fix it.  And I can’t ever fix it.  It’s hard for me to sit back and tell people what they should do.  Maybe that’s the point.  Maybe I’m supposed to let go.”  Other than the first part, I think this monologue might have been in Gleaming the Cube.

They hear some weird noises and Hurley says he thinks he knows what they are.  He runs into Michael who tells him he is stuck on the island because of what he did.  There are others like him who can’t move on.  Cool, like in Ghost.  Got it. Hurley asks where Locke is, Michael points to the obvious camp.  Before leaving Hurley asks if there is anything Hurley can do for him.  Michael says don’t die.  Then someone might want to get him to eat salads when he gets depressed rather than buckets of fried chicken.

Woosh Woosh Woosh

Hurley gives us a little upshirt shot as he lays out a blanket on the beach.  He proudly announces to Libby that he bought six kinds of cheeses.  Cheese on a hot beach sounds really unpleasant.  Libby looks understandably uncomfortable.  She says this feels like a date they never had.  Right, because they are doing it now.  Hurley asks why she even wants to be with him.  Because she is crazy.  Libby, however, lies and says “because I like you.”  You’ve had a combined 2 minutes on the same screen together and have yet to have a conversation that doesn’t center around your belief that you’re soulmates.  What exactly does she like about him?

They lean in to have a face measuring contest and accidently touch lips.  There is a montage of island stuff.  Hurley suddenly gets it.  Dez has been sitting in his car, being creepy and cool all at once.  He drives away.

Sad Day Monster and Dez approach a well.  We all know Dez is getting tossed down there, but first they have to talk about it.  Sad Day Monster drops a torch down it to show how deep it is.  He says they weren’t looking for water when they dug it, they were looking for reasons why the island made compass needles freak out.  Electromagnetism!  My God!  It’s so obvious!  Oh, wait.  Sad Day Monster rags on Whitmore then asks Dez why he’s not afraid.  Dez doesn’t see the point in being afraid.  Sad Day Monster throws him in the well.  Dez might just have crappy instincts.

Back at camp, Sayid asks where Dez went.  He just says they don’t have to worry about him anymore.  Sawyer is trying to win the “Aggressively Question Locke” award and asks where he has been.  Just then there is a rustle and Hurley emerges from the woods.  Sawyer looks unhappy that he has to hang out with Hurley now.  Hurley plays negotiator and says nobody do anything stupid to get people hurt.  Well, since you did Sad Day Monster’s job for him by hand delivering the last of the people he needs to escape, you don’t have to worry about that.  The rest come out of the woods.  Jack looks especially dumbfounded at the world around him.  Sad Day Monster’s heart flutters with joy.  He gives a long creepy hello to Jack.  Just him?  Nobody else gets a hello?  Fine.

Woosh Woosh Woosh

Dez is hanging out in the parking lot of a school.  Linus approaches his car to inform him that this is his molesting turf and he’s not looking to share.  Dez tells him he is considering the school for his son.  Linus tells him how great the school is.  Wait, a few episodes ago didn’t you say the school was awful and the principal was doing a terrible job and it was so bad that you tried to blackmail the principal to get his job to make the school slightly better than a piece of garbage? I guess I can see why that wasn’t your salespitch.

Wheelchair Locke is having a tough time on the hills in the parking lot (no one wants to help him by giving him a push?).  Dez, tired of Linus’s lies, punches the accelerator and DESTROYS Wheelchair Locke.  He really messes him up.  It seems completely unnecessary.  But admittedly it was so absurd that I laughed pretty hard.  Especially when Dez looked in his rear view mirror with a smirk.

Thoughts I Have

• This was what I thought was originally going to be the series finale.  How quickly time flies.
• That sea captain is a good person to have in your corner.
• I think you could watch the last 15 minutes of each episode for the entire season and not miss anything important.
• As punishment for all my rude comments to Hurley, I am going to go spend some time in timeout.
  

  I'm grounded until next week.