SPOILER ALERT!!!!! Loads of info in this episode of LOST. So much so that I am completely caught up on the series (brushes dust off hands). Excellent.
To be fair, this might not have been an episode of LOST. It seemed more like the Truman Show made love to Lord of the Flies, put on Step Brothers pants then took a Flinstones vitamin. The only similarities are that it was on an island. And Jacob was in it. And Sad Day Monster showed up. Which, in hindsight, seems like a fair amount of similarities.
If you’ve seen the episode then I don’t have to tell you that the title of the first half of this episode should have been “Innuendo” or “Double Entendre”. If you haven’t seen the episode then might I direct you to the spoiler alert above. You want to keep going? Kudos. Anyway, I think they switched writers/directors/key grips at around the midway point because they realized they were getting dangerously close to making the kind of show you have to go to the back of the video store to purchase. I’m a little nervous reviewing this since I will probably make R rated jokes.
We’ll see what we can do…
Overall What Is Happening
Alright. So. Allison Janney lived on this island. She drinks invincible wine (Boone’s Farm) so she can protect the light on the island. A couple of twins (not Joe Mauer and Michael Cuddyer) wash ashore inside a pregnant lady. Allison kills their mom and raises them and eventually hooks Jacob up with the magical strawberry wine so he can protect the light. The light turns people into Sad Day Monster. Which is to say, it makes them awesome.
One twin is evil, one is not. They wear clothes to match their hair color. Which is going to start a whole nature/nurture debate in sociological circles.
Oh, and for some reason they can’t leave the island and for an even stranger reason they aren’t allowed to hurt each other. Even though Jacob wailed on Sad Day Monster a couple times and even killed him. So… ya know… that completely contradicts one of the key points of this television series.
Not real sure how this affects what is going on on the island in present day. We did get a nice cameo from Jack and Kate post love making though.
More Detailed Episode Recap
A black haired lady washes ashore on an island. While panning, we see a hot air balloon basket, so she probably (wisely) hopped out before her hot air balloon crashed. She’s pregnant although the way she keeps holding her “stomach” and moving it around, I think she might just be smuggling pillows. She comes across an older woman who looks so much like Allison Janney that we can just call her Allison Janney since they never gave her another name. Allison helps Preggy back to her cave where she makes tapestries.
Preggy says there must be other people on the island and wants to go looking. Allison says “no dice” to her and that she does all the looking for people because she doesn’t want any competition if there are cute boys.
Preggy goes into labor and Allison looks way too excited to deliver this baby. A clean (not bloody like most) baby comes out and doesn’t make a sound. Preggy says his name is Jacob. Ooooooooh, I get it. This is a background episode. Wait. Why? Wasn’t there going to be a huge fight? Meanwhile, Preggy still has a huuuuge belly and she and Allison are shocked when another baby is on it’s way. Apparently the still pregnant belly wasn’t a clue that there might be something else in there.
The second baby cries a lot when he is born. He must be evil. Preggy doesn’t have a name for him. So let’s pick one right now. I’m going to name him Cecil. Done. That was easy. Meanwhile Allison gives Preggy the business end of a rock to the skull. So she’s dead. Allison’s going to regret this when she finds out what a handful twins can be. We then get a close up of the babies. Evil baby has a lot of goo or shampoo or something on his head. How bout we wipe that off for him? Maybe it’s why he’s crying so much. No? Just gonna stare at him? Fair enough.
Some years pass and now the boys are about 13. One of the little towers at the end of The Fifth Element washes ashore and a kid in black clothes picks up. He’s joined by a kid in yellow clothes. Uh oh. I hope this isn’t turning into a homoerotic version of Return to the Blue Lagoon. But since they’re wearing outfits that match their hair color, I have little confidence it is not. The thing that washed ashore is a game. So they play it.
Jacob is a total suck up and tells the mom about the game. Dunno why. It’s just a game. So she goes to the beach to be a killjoy. Is Justin Beiber playing this kid? Or is it the kid who played Anakin Skywalker? At the beach, the mom admits leaving the game for him. Um. K. Then they get into a philosophical debate about what’s outside the island (nothing) and where they all came from (the island). Nietzsche is underwhelmed. She also tells Cecil (Evil Beiber) that he doesn’t need to worry about dying. I was hoping he would yell “Sweet!” then run straight off a cliff to test it. But he didn’t.
Cecil and Jacob are out hunting a pig. Or the monster from Lord of the Flies. I’m not real sure. Some other dudes kill the pig. Since they’re tattletales they go running to mommy to tell her that some guys out hunted them. Sore losers. Allison tells them there are other people on the island. Cecil demands to know why she hasn’t told him. He goes all hormonal rage on her and so she agrees to show them their purpose, even though it is a little too soon.
She blindfolds them and is marching them through the jungle. I suspect she’s going to “solve” her “problem” by shooting them in the back of “the” head. I’m wrong. They have an awkward conversation on the walk where Allison goes all Miss Havisham and tells the boys that all men are evil. When asked why, she says because they come and destroy things. Pretty weak answer. She also has made it so the boys can’t hurt each other. Au contraire, mu fraire. First, she is wrong physically (as we will see). Secondly, can they hurt each emotionally?
She takes them to a Willy Wonka tunnel where a bunch of light is emanating. She tells them this is why they are here. I thought it was because a pregnant lady was in a shipwreck. They have to make sure no one ever finds it. Then you might want to toss one of your blankets over it because that light is pretty obvious. especially at night. She also says one of them will have to protect the island. I bet I know who.
They’re playing that game again and Cecil sees a hot chick (his mom, which he doesn’t know yet) and says he needs to go to the beach. That’s code for a cold shower because this is the first woman he has seen that isn’t Allison. He follows her and his real mom says she will show him where he came from. Literally? Because I think there’s laws about showing that to a 13 year old. Luckily for the overworked court system, Preggy takes Cecil to an area where there are a bunch of people with huts instead. They got here around the same time he was born in a shipwreck.
That night Cecil sneaks out and tries to get Jacob to come with him. I think Ryan Phillipe might be playing young Jacob. That dude doesn’t age. For some reason mama’s boy doesn’t want to leave and flips out and re-enacts A Christmas Story on Cecil. He hurts him pretty good. Contrary to earlier beliefs it is impossible for them to hurt each other, Cecil is pretty banged up. Allison comes out and breaks it up. No word on whether Jacob lost his glasses.
Cecil gets fired up and says he’ll get off the island one day and he’ll prove it. I side with Cecil. I know he’s wearing black so that means he’s evil. But I really think he is the good guy here. I want him to get off the island. Maybe he should try building a boat.
Later there is a reproduction of the Stars Wars scene where Luke looks at three suns on Tatooine. Only this is on a beach. And it’s a lady. And there’s only one sun. And there’s no sand people. So to rephrase, Allison is on a beach. Jacob comes up and starts begging for attention. She says she needed to keep them away from the other people on the island so he could stay good. Jacob asks why she loves Cecil more than him. Her response: “I love you in different ways. You maternally, him sexually.” She didn’t actually say that, but you know that’s what she was thinking.
To no one’s surprise, Jacob grows into a 30 year old man who sews and lives with his mother. He still meets Cecil to play games. During one rousing game of Obvious Metaphor, Cecil throws his knife and it gets stuck to something with magnetism. His peeps have been digging around and found a way off the island. Jacob doesn’t want to leave because it is home.
He gets home and Allison is shaving her legs. Mommy’s going out tonight. Make sure to close your door and be asleep by 1am, Jacob. She hears through the grapevine that Cecil knows how to get off the island. Being a killjoy, she goes to stop it.
Cecil is having a BBQ in the bottom of a well when Allison shows up to rain on his parade. Cecil tells her that he has a contraption that when the light is going and water gets filtered through it he will be able to get off the island. She asks how he knows it will work. Yeah. Me too. You sure you don’t want to just try building a boat? He responds he knows because he is special. She goes in for make out and then slams his head up against the wall. He should feel ashamed considering how much stronger he is than her.
Allison goes back to Jacob and tells him it is time to explain what Lost is about. They get to the light tunnel and she says “You’re going to protect it. With this single torch. It is the life, death, rebirth, cliches down there. It’s the life source of the island. Don’t ever go down there, it’s worse than dying. Like dedicating 100 hours to figuring something out, only to have it conveniently summed up in a 5 minute sequence. Here’s a bottle of wine you can use as an analogy for when you have to explain the island to people. Drink the wine to take responsibility for the island. No, it’s not like Catholicism wine, it’s just wine.”
Jacob is stunted in his growth both emotionally and psychology because he has been isolated on an island with his mother and brother for 30 years so he reverts back to his 13 year old self and refuses at first. He eventually agrees and drinks. Dramatic music scores the sequence and I like to think that at least one violinist rolled his eyes while they were recording.
After he drinks, his mom says “Now you and I are one in the same.” Gross.
Cecil wakes up with mud clogging his well (not a euphemism). He sees some smoke, so he runs to what he hopes will be a bon fire. Turns out his village was burned and his people were killed. Seems a little extreme to me. His game is ok though, so we’ll call this one a win.
Allison sends Jacob to get some firewood. Before separating she says “be careful”. I’ve seen enough cop movies to know what happens next. She gets to the village and finds the light and dark stones from the game. Just in case no one was clear that this is about opposites. Cecil stabs her in the back. Called it (just like 2,000,000 other people did). While wounded they have a chit chat. She thanks him for stabbing her. No sweat. Then she does a middle school theatre death and instantly dies. Add this to the list of “abdomen stabbing” deaths that have been occurring this season. The count is pretty high right now.
Jacob finds Cecil and his dead “mother”. Wails on him. Takes him to the light. Taunts him before knocking him out and floating him into the tunnel. So much for not being able to hurt each other. Once in the tunnel some stuff happens and then Cecil emerges as Sad Day Monster. Hooray! He’s awesome now!
Jacob later finds his corpse and takes it home. He decides to play Weekend at Bernie’s and makes his mom and Cecil’s corpses do people things. Like hold hands. Jacob needs to get off that island.
Thoughts I Have
- The black and white stones are akin to the rat at the end of The Departed.
- I left out the cutaway where Jack finds the stones after lovemaking Kate from what I assume is an earlier season. There was no need for it other than to pretend that they planned this all along. Although it was nice that Locke showed up, switched the L in his name for a C and added blocker to the end.
- Now I understand why Ben killing Jacob was such a big deal.
- They should have aired this earlier. After Mother’s Day I forget all about moms. They must have something awesome ready for the finale since it is so close to Memorial Day
- Related: I don’t like their mom (Allison) in this episode. She wasn’t nice and didn’t have a lot of reason to do what she did.
- Before I took Sad Day Monster’s side because he was cool. Now I actually empathize with him.