SPOILER ALERT!!!!!! This blog goes into graphic detail on the theories and philosophies of the latest episode of LOST. It also lies to you about what it is about in it’s first sentence after the spoiler alert. Proceed at your own peril.
I guess since there is only one more episode left we should do a little housekeeping. The LOST finale post will be up either on Monday or Wednesday. Depends if I try to keep continuity of Wednesday entries or next day entries. As the intro to this blog says, don’t be haters. Also, be prepared for an abhorrently long entry for the finale. Two and a half hours is a lot of LOST to catalog. In other news, there will be one more post after the finale. If you guessed it would titled “Outroduction” then you are very smart and probably figured out LOST before it was even written. I will be answering Q’s and junk. Feel free to send some my way. My contact info is in the about tab. One last thing, potentially going to do a live reading of the last post in Chicago the Thursday after the finale (May 27). Don’t book your flights just yet, still working on some details. I will update this paragraph if it gets figured out and I will make tweets about it too (@jdurbin).
[UPDATE: (cue Unsolved Mysteries music) We’re trying to figure out location. Looks like it will be a bar on the northside of Chicago (not super north) May 27 around 6pm. We’re trying to get a headcount so we know how much space we’ll need, so e-mail email@example.com or contact me if you’re interested. It’s not an RSVP, we’re just trying to make sure we have the right amount of space. Since we’re looking into bars, it will be a 21+ affair. That is all.]
Now that we’re all caught up, let’s get all caught up on LOST. Which I am now. Thanks to this episode. Which is pretty nice.
Overall What Is Happening
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! Ok. Now I see where we’re going with this. Jacob needed someone to take over for him protecting the island. Sad Day Monster doesn’t like the potential hook ups so he becomes a drama queen about the whole sitch. Jack wins the Bachelorette. Wait a minute. We’ve known this for a while. Why are we just getting to this point now?
If anything other than a 150 minute fight sequence happens next week, I will be disappointed. Although, they killed off Whitmore, Smurfette, Ricardo and basically Miles, so there aren’t many people left to fight.
Snoozeville lived up to its name with the highlight being Dez wailing on Ben. He’s also really close to getting everyone united. At a concert. I’m looking forward to it.
More Detailed Recap
Jack wakes up in his bed in LA alone. He clearly kicked the chick out of bed already (high five for Jack!). He goes to the mirror and has a brutal hickey. His eager puppy of a son pops in and tells him he made breakfast. Careful, Sport. You might not want to go bursting into your good-looking single dad’s bedroom. God only knows what you’ll see.
Down at the table, Jack gets all high and mighty about what qualifies for cooking breakfast. Feeling shame and hoping to end this emotional torment, his son asks if he’s coming to the concert tonight. Jack immediately asks if his mom will be there. He says yes. To my surprise Jack doesn’t say “been there, done that.” He missed a chance at another high five.
Claire comes in the room. Guess we know who snuck out of Jack’s room this morning. Gross! Because she’s pregnant. Not because they’re siblings. They asked how she was. She says “Fine. He kicks a lot at night.” Maybe you shouldn’t talk about Jack’s sleeping habits in front of his son.
Jack gets up from eating his Super Bran cereal (made by the Mr. Cluck’s corporation) to answer the phone. It’s Oceanic saying they found his dad’s body and it will be there soon. Cut to the person on the other side of the phone, which is Dez. Guess he took part time work as an operator for Oceanic. Pretty cool he can work remotely like that.
Locke is getting hit on by a couple of teenage girls (what’s with the girls at this school) in the school parking lot. Dez goes on break and is hanging out, watching Locke get hit on. Really? There’s no parking lot security after what happened? Ben Linus shows up (I spoke too soon) and starts yelling for someone to call the fuzz since Dez is trying to kill Locke. Desmond does what I think we all have wanted to do and just starts mercilessly punching him in the face. He also says he is not trying to hurt Locke, but get him to let go. So what are you trying to help Ben do?
Linus is pretentious to the school nurse when she calls him mister instead of doctor. He then tells Locke not to call the police because the guy who ran him over just wants to help him let go. There’s really no reason left for anyone to like him. Locke deserves negative sanity points for taking Ben’s word for it and not following through with that police. Also, Locke, someone probably called the cops already.
Meanwhile, Dez heads down the police station and turns himself in. Sawyer takes him to the holding cells with Sayid and Kate. They’re all in an open cell holding area. Luckily, no one else in their precinct has been arrested today so it is just the three of them. Also, how does Kate use the restroom in that setup? I’m not asking biologically, but logistically.
The high school girl Linus has been awkwardly hanging out with offers to give a ride home. Her plan is that her mom drives while they make out in the backseat. Linus has been around the block and is reluctant because he knows it is a shoddy plan. He eventually agrees when he finds out he’ll get a free meal out of it. I think I am supposed to know who Alex’s mom is, but I don’t.
After dinner, Mrs. Alex puts Linus to work bussing dishes. Seems kinda rude to invite over someone who took a savage beating and has their arm in a splint and put them to work. Alex’s mom, never to lose a boy competition with her daughter, starts spinning game at Linus too. Linus gets all emotional after Alex’s mom implies that there will be other dinners in the future. Can’t say I blame him.
Meanwhile, Jack is sitting in his office fake typing. Wheelchair Locke drops by and starts prying into his personal life. He admits to throwing away Jack’s card (the correct move) but being weirded out that they keep running into each other. He is clearly unfamiliar with deus ex machina. He also has finally turned around on being fixed because the same guy who ran him over in a parking lot and also beat the hell out of one of his coworkers said the same phrase Jack said after his surgery. That’s what it took?
Over in NoCrimeTown, Sawyer comes to transfer the only three arrests of the day to county. Kate makes a move to get jailbroke. It’s really bizarre and uncomfortable and probably easier for Sawyer to say no than Kate realizes.
During the car ride, Desmond says he will get everyone out of there if they do what he says after. They all agree. The car stops and a lady cop lets them all out. Again, I should probably know who she is, but I don’t recognize her. Hurley shows up with a wad of cash to buy off the guard. He then tells Kate to put on a dress in front of him because they’re going to a concert. Soooooo… what happened to that guard? Seems like showing up with a van that was supposed to be full of prisoners but is now empty is going to be pretty hard to explain.
On the island, Jack is stitching up Kate. He says it will hurt but it’s the best he can do. Sounds about right. Turns out Kate has a daughter named Gina (I think, she kinda mumbled this). Based on what I know about the attention residual characters get, we can expect at least 2 hours of the finale to be dedicated to her. Kate says they need to kill Locke. Jack agrees. So, Jack was wrong before when he sided with Hurley and tried to be buddies with Sad Day Monster.
Sawyer is looking out at the ocean thinking about how awesome he is (and he’s right). Kate makes a startlingly fast recovery and comes up to him for some cuddlin’. Hurley stands alone. Jack recognizes that Hurley is making Sawyer and Kate uncomfortable and suggests they go get Dez out of the well. Good idea, Jack.
Finally we check back in on Ricardo, Miles, and Ben. Apparently they’ve been taking the long route to find Sad Day Monster. Miles starts getting all weird and I start questioning our friendship. Then he says the word “wonky” and all is forgiven. Also, Ricardo buried Ben’s daughter a while ago. How many single parents are on this show?
They go into the back room of one of the houses. There’s a creepy fireplace. Linus says “it is where I was told I could summon the monster. Until I learned the monster wanted to summon me.” Intense. Ben’s getting gradually creepier (no small feat for him) and grabs a bunch of explosives. They hear a rattle in the kitchen and go to investigate. It’s Smurfette. Since she’s the only woman out of the nerds they all expected her to do the cooking and she needed some supplies. Whitmore shows up and Ben is shocked.
As Whitmore fills up his glass at the sink, Ben says “Water you doing here.” No one gets the pun. Whitmore sez he is there because Jacob invited him. Ben gets all jealous and calls him later. Whitmore retorts with “yuh huh”. And says his exact purpose is… Smurfette interrupts to say Locke is coming in a canoe. No one ever explains why Whitmore is there. I am suspicious the writers aren’t real sure either.
Jack and Sawyer have a heart to heart in the woods. Sawyer asks about the bomb on the sub. Points out that Jack said it wouldn’t explode if they didn’t do anything. Jack says he has been wrong before. You sure have, Jack. You sure have. Sawyer says “I killed them, didn’t I?” I yell “No Sawyer! You were right! Shut up!” Jack graciously declines to answer. Sawyer has to choke back some man tears.
Meanwhile, Hurley sees a kid in the woods. He wants the ashes that Hurley took from Illana’s things. After he gets them, the kid takes off running. Much to Hurley’s knees’ chagrin, he takes off running after him. Thankfully for Hurley, it’s a short chase before he finds Jacob burning a fire. Jacob says we are close to the end. About 2 hours by my count.
Back at the LOST Island Condo Association, everyone is making plans to scatter. Linus asks Whitmore for his walkie-talkies. Whitmore: “Why?” Ben: “Because I asked.” Whitmore: “I don’t think you understood my question.” Whitmore and Smurfette go play seven minutes in heaven in the closet. Miles makes a break for it into the woods. Ben says he is going to stay. Whitmore says Sad Day Monster will kill him. “Then this is goodbye.” Good riddance. Ricardo is going to go try to talk some sense into Sad Day Monster.
Instead, Ricardo gets knocked off the screen. It was probably all staged so they could go hang out and ditch Ben. Ben sits on the patio. Sad Day Monster comes by for a visit (there goes my theory). He tells Ben he needs him to kill some people for him. If he does, he gets the island to himself. Because sharing it with those other 10 people was probably what made it so miserable. Ben tells sad Day Monster that Whitmore is in the closet. Which I assume he means as an insult.
In the closet, Ben is looking over Sad Day Monster’s shoulder because he’s interested in watching (not the first time he’s said that I’m sure). Sad Day Monster asks Smurfette “what up” and when she starts to answer, Whitmore tells her not to talk to him. Sad Day Monster slashes her throat. I’m glad we got away from the abdomen stabs, but slashing a throat isn’t much better. Whitmore asks why he did that. Sad Day Monster says “you told her not to talk to me, that made her pointless.” Oh. So that explains the other 25 characters that have died in the last 3 episodes. Where did all those nice clothes come from? Is there a Gap on the island?
Then Sad Day Monster and Whitmore talk about why Dez is here and Linus shoots him. Probably out of jealousy. Then asks if there is anyone else to kill. Illana should have shot him a long time ago.
Jacob greets Kate, Hurley, and Sawyer at the campfire. Then gives a special hello to Jack. From here on out this is just an episode of the Bachelorette. Jack is 100% the front runner. Hopefully there’s no overnight dates in this show. Also, they can all see Jacob so Hurley is no longer special. This basically turns into a Q & A with the writers of the series. We learn they’re here because Jacob created Sad Day Monster (which we knew from last week) and now someone has to keep him from leaving. They’re all candidates because their lives suck. Sawyer says his life doesn’t suck. But when Jacob responds with “yes it does”, Sawyer doesn’t have a response. Jacob needs someone to take over. Awesome. That was a productive five minutes. I kinda wish they lead off this season with that.
Interestingly, Kate gets all sad because her name was crossed off in the cave. Jacob says it is because she became a mother. Don’t Jin, Sun, and Jack all have kids too? Hurley moves us past this glaring hole by asking how Jacob will pick. Jacob says he won’t, someone will volunteer. Jack, having not spoken in a while, says he’ll do it. Jacob is ecstatic that his first choice accepted his proposal and will get into the hot tub with him. Hurley is still watching the double date from a chair poolside.
Everyone watches awkwardly as they walk off into the woods, holding hands. Sawyer says “And I thought that guy had a god complex before.” Yes! Kate nags him. He says “I know” like he is wrong. The Sawyer I know would never back off that statement.
Jacob and Sawyer get to the river. Jacob: “Got a cup?” Jack: “Yeah, I do. We were playing softball earlier. Why? Am I gonna get hit in the… Oh! You mean like a drinking cup. Yeah, I have one of those too. Right here in my backpack.” Jacob then scoops up river water and says Baruch Ata Adonai Eloheinu and hands the cup to Jack. Jacob got metaphor wine and Jack has to settle for literal river water. What a ripoff. Either way, Jack chugs it down and then looks all googly eyed. Kinda like a college freshman who does a lemon drop shot then pretends to be all liquored up. Afterward, Jacob says “now you’re just like me. Softspoken with mommy issues.”
Ben and Locke get to the well. There’s a rope leading in and no Dez. Which, in an M. Night Shyamalan-esque twist, doesn’t bother Sad Day Monster at all. Locke is going to go find Desmond because he can help him destroy the island. Which I am hoping translates to epic fist fight.
Thoughts I Have
- Oh, and there was some nonsense about how they lived in these houses 30 years ago and lived here a long time. But it seems completely unrelated to anything, so I am skipping it.
- Why was there an entire episode redeeming Ben only have him turn the complete other way?
- I watched the first few minutes of V. It was terrible.
- If Miles wasn’t on the plane, then why is he on the island?
- We’re almost to the end. Countdown clock is close to zero.