Episode 17 of the Final Season of LOST

SPOILER ALERT!!!!! Do I really need to say that?  The series is over.  There’s nothing left for us to spoil.  We already know all about the show and what it was about.  It’s crystal clear.  For those who hate math, Episode 17 is also the finale.  To be even more transparent, this is the last two and a half hours of LOST.  So it might be Episode 17, Episode 18, and a super short Episode 19.

That was fun, huh?  We got all of our questions answered all in this one episode.  Well, almost all of them.  Ok, the majority of them.  Some of them?  Cool.

Filing this away with the other 30 billion pages about LOST

I did not watch the series recap clip show.  I did DVR it though so I can watch it and get all caught up in two hours.  I enjoyed the finale.  The little flashback things to previous seasons made me want to watch them.   But it also made it seem like a completely different show from what this last season was.

I’ll be back the next time a series is going into the finale.  Send me an e-mail at neverseenlost [at] yahoo.com if you want to get a notification of whenever that is.  Or for the 1,000th time you can follow me on the Twitter (@jdurbin).

As a friend pointed out, this might be the first blog with a definitive end.  Good to be a part of history.  I will be back (hopefully Thursday) with a wrap up entry where I answer some questions and will read the comments for the first time since week 1.  I can’t even imagine what’s been going on down there.

For the live reading: Looks like The Shady Lady at 712 N. Clark St. on Thursday.  Reading will go from 6-7 so be sure to be there a little early.  Please also RSVP to fanclub[at]denuology.com if you have not already.  That way if plans change last second we can notify you.  Worst case scenario, I will be there hanging out and I can just read to you from the newspaper or draw you a picture.

And finally…

Overall What is Happening

Jack’s dead.  That’s it.

OK, not really.  Well, yes.  Jack is really dead.  But there’s more to it than that.  So much more.

Everything on the island actually happened.  This includes: a person being floated into a cave and turning into Sad Day Monster, a life-restoring hot tub, a dude who can live forever and hands done island protecting responsibilities, people who can talk to the dead, and a cork that keeps the island from sinking because of the evil underneath it.  We don’t know what that evil is and why it matters that the island doesn’t sink.  But it does.

After Jack died, Hurley, Ben, and Desmond were left on the island.  Hurley is protecting it.  Yikes.  We have no idea how long he protected it or how smoothly things went, we just know that Linus was his sidekick and Desmond is going to be pretty miserable for a while. Kate, Sawyer, Pilot, Miles, Ricardo, and Claire all made it off the island.  Good for them.

Everything in Snoozeville, however, was a group imagination projection by a bunch of dead people.  It’s also what LOST has really been about all this time.  They’re all boring so the island was when their lives peaked.  Because they all had the same good times, they all need to be together to get out of Snoozeville.  Once they all get into the same room, they get to go to the afterlife (huge gamble on where they end up going).  If you hold hands with someone, you get to make love to them.  Take that, match.com!

The other possibility is that none of this is real and is part of the imagination of a junky who is having a bad trip.  Unfortunately, to squeeze some more ads in, they cut out the last 5 minutes where we find that out.

More Detailed Episode Recap

Get excited, the woosh woosh woosh transition is back!  But selectively.

Previously… On Lost… A whole lotta stuff happened.  This seemed unnecessary considering it’s the season finale and there was a 2 hour clip show of previous seasons. Oh well.  Episode go now!

Nice, slow pretty montage showing the characters double lives.  Jack’s dad’s coffin arrives in LA.  Which is an incredible coincidence that Desmond pranked him to say it was arriving and it actually was and the airline didn’t call Jack to inform him.  Jack is looking at a head X-ray, trying to figure out what’s wrong with this guy’s knee.  Linus is drinking some coffee, wondering which member of Alex’s family he should make a run at.  Locke is being wheeled on a gurney about to have surgery on his spine by someone who probably shouldn’t even be allowed to give a tetanus shot.  He and Ben are on the island getting ready to fight.  Sawyer walks by a mirror he punched earlier and says “there’s more where that came from, mirror.”  On the island he pretends to look at Kate’s wound so he can look down her shirt.

Over at a building, a delivery van shows up with Jack’s dad.  Kate waits in the car so she doesn’t mess anything up.  Some guy who looks like a roadie for Wide Spread Panic is driving the delivery truck for a day job.  Dez approaches him and the guy asks if he works here.  Yep, says Desmond.  “Are you a priest or something?”  I don’t think this truck driver has ever seen a priest.  Desmond just signs the form and the body is his. Hopefully no necrophiliacs are watching this to learn how easy it is to get a body.  Back in the car, Kate is really insensitive and makes fun on Jack’s dad’s name (Christian Shephard).  I don’t get the joke.  Dez wants to leave and says he needs Kate’s help and he will show her where he wants to go.

On the island, Kate sneaks up on Jack who is standing in the river without rolling up his jeans.  Then they have some boring conversation around how he feels.  The key point here is that Sawyer runs off to get Desmond while the rest head for the light tunnel.  On his way out, he squeezes in a little flirt with Kate.  Nice.

woosh woosh woosh

Hurley’s job is to not run over a blind man walking a dog.  He succeeds.  He then hands Sayid a tranqualizer gun so he can go finish his job.  Sayid says “thanks but no thanks” because he only believes in murdering people, not tranquin’ ’em.  Hurley decides to take matters into his own inflated hands.  He takes the gun and slides out of the Hummer.  When he knocks on the door at the seedy hotel, Condom Drug Hobbit (CDH) answers the door.  He’s all messed up on booze and drugs.

Angry that Hurley has bothered him, he holds up the “Do Not Disturb” sign indignantly.  If you didn’t want to get disturbed, you shouldn’t have answered the door, chief.  Hurley, disgusted by CDH’s destructive life choices, shoots him in the spine with a tranqualizer gun.  Eesh.  Hey Hurley, let’s not paralyze this guy.  We do eventually need him to walk again.  Hurley then carries him out to his Hummer in broad daylight and nobody does anything to stop him.  To be fair though, if I saw Hurley carrying CDH over his shoulder passed out, I would just assume the tranny owed the big guy money.

woosh woosh woosh

Kate and Jack have a little heart to heart about why Jack chose to protect the island.  Hurley ruins the moment one last time.  Wouldn’t be the same without you, Hurley.  While talking, Jack says he ruined everything.  I commend you for admitting it, Jack.

Sawyer shows up at the well where Sad Day Monster is collecting rope (not a euphemism).  Ben sneaks up behind him and pulls a gun on him.  I am a little surprised he didn’t just start shooting.  He didn’t hesitate to pop a couple in Whitmore last week.  Sad Day Monster says that Sawyer and Jacob’s other candidates are going down with the island.  Right on cue Sawyer drops a solid elbow to Ben’s face.  Boom.  Sawyer takes off running.  Ben says “Aren’t you going to go after him?”  Sad Day Monster says “No.  You deserved that elbow to the face.”  Linus is then upset to find out he was double crossed by an evil entity.  Also, he carries a man purse.

Elsewhere, there’s a dog where Desmond wakes up.  And an interracial couple.  So far out of the 300 characters and extras on LOST, I have noticed two black people.  Regardless, this older couple has stuff figured out.  They got a dog and set up some shanties.  Now we’re cookin’ with gas.  Um, also, they built their houses in ’75.  Then there was a flash of light and now they don’t know when they are.




Anyway, they just want to be left alone and not get involved in things (again, these people are smart).  Sad Day Monster and Linus show up though and ruin the party.  He threatens to kill them if Dez doesn’t go with them.  And he’ll make it painful.  Desmond is a nice person and agrees even though these people are pretty long in the tooth and probably don’t have a ton of time left anyway.

Desmond says he is going somewhere with a bright light.  This messes with Sad Day Monster’s head and he gets all sensitive.  Linus’s pocket starts talking and Sad Day Monster gets all flustered.  Linus says it’s nothing.  On the other end Miles has found Ricardo.  Awesome.  Tell you what guys, you stay there, I’m gonna come meet you because you’re the only cool people on this island.

Meanwhile, Sawyer storms out of the jungle and startles Hurley.  He then calls him big foot and tells him to calm down.  Jeeze, Sawyer.  He tells everyone that Dez wasn’t there but they’re looking for him.  Jack says it doesn’t matter who finds him first they’re all heading to the same place.  Then what?  It ends.  Quick note, it didn’t actually end when they got there.  In fact, far from it.

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Miles sees Sayid riding shotty in Hurley’s Hummer.  He starts flipping out and calls Sawyer, who’s wearing glasses that make him look like a huge nerd.  They also make him act nerdier because he agrees to make sure Sun is ok rather than telling Miles to chillax (if someone says this word you know they are cool).  The van never showed up to county.  So where’s the cop that took the bribe?

Sun and Jin are at the hospital.  Jin: “How do you feel?”  Sun: “A little sore.” Jin: “That’s what happens when you get shot.”  Sun: “Thanks, jerk.”

You just go and pick the one you want.

The lady doctor comes in to check on the baby.  They lift up her shirt to rub some jelly on her belly and we see that she got shot in the lung.  So why worry about the baby?  I don’t think Sun knows where babies grow (baby tree).  Whilst getting some goo tummy, Jin and Sun start having flashbacks to the island.  It’s really nice… until they die.  What an awful way to find out your fate and what an awful fate to find out.  Bummer.  Also, there was a scene where an oil tanker blew up with Jin on it while Sun flew away in a chopo-copter.

Part of the flashback involved Rosetta Stone software so they emerge able to speak English.  The doctor says the baby is perfectly perfect in every way.  Which is a medical term.  Jin and Sun are excited to predict/announce the baby will be a girl and they plan to name her Jihad (not my first choice, but to each his own).

Before surgery, Jack finds Locke to have chat.  Despite baldness, Locke is wearing a hairnet.  Jack asks if he is nervous (he should be).  Jack says he is very confident it will work (time to freak out, Locke).   Locke tries to calm down by changing the subject and asking if Jack’s dad was found.  He says he was and he should be arriving soon.  You got it delivered to work?  After hoping Jack can get some peace, Jack says “if I can fix you, it’s all the peace I need.”  I find that a little insulting.

woosh woosh woosh

Miles and Ricardo are riding in a canoe, heading to the other little island.  Miles notices Ricardo has a gray hair.  It makes Ricardo want to live.  That’s all it took?  While rowing, they seem some corpses and then see Salty Pilot clinging to a flotation device.  I guess he’s survived out here for days.  To be clear DAYS.  Make an effort to get to shore, Lazy Pilot.  He points out that he’s a pilot and can fly them off the island.  How could anyone forget, he’s wearing his uniform all the time.

While walking through the jungle, the good guys and bad guys run into each other.  Kate goes Rambo right down to the ridiculous method of holding a gun at her hip.  She starts shooting at Locke who looks bored.  Linus and Desmond are terrified because she is spraying bullets everywhere.  Sad Day Monster finds out that Jack took over Jacob’s job on the island.  “You’re the obvious choice.” “He didn’t choose me, I volunteered.”  While technically correct, I believe Jacob was laying game on you pretty hard.  He might have even said that he was happy you volunteered, so let’s not get too cavalier about this, Jack.

Jack calls out Sad Day Monster and says that he thinks he’s going to destroy the island, but he’s not.  Instead, Jack is going to kill him.  Sad Day Monster is a good sport and agrees to go anyway.  Or he has hung out with Jack enough to know that if Jack is betting against him, he has pretty good odds.

woosh woosh woosh

At the hospital, Jack and blonde doctor do a nice little rendition of the “doctor, doctor” bit from Spies Like Us.  Jack’s son shows up and calls her mom for some reason.  Oh.  Jack and the Ex have a little awkward back and forth about Claire and Ex shares my suspicions that there is some hanky panky going on behind the scenes.  The son looks pumped that they’re getting along.  This could quickly shift into an ABC Family original movie where he spends his time at summer camp trying to get them back together (another spinoff idea).

Sawyer shows up to the neurology wing of the hospital to find Sun.  Guess he didn’t want to use the main reception.

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The talk in the Team Protagonist circle is that Dez has special talents and can be used a weapon.  They hit a point where Sad Day Monster says it is just him, Desmond, and Jack from here on out.  Sawyer gets stuck with the losers.

Three minutes later they come across the light in the tunnel.  Ya know, the light that Sad Day Monster has spent a century trying to find in a finite area but has had no luck until right now?  Yeah, that light.  Although it’s not as bright as it used to be.

Desmond is going in to do some stuff.  He tells Jack it will send them to be with the people they love and not worry about the island.  Can I go?  Desmond enters the tunnel and it looks like they are growing marijuana on the wall.  Which explains a lot.  He approaches a waterfall that makes the Pirate’s of the Caribbean ride at Disney World look like Avatar.

woosh woosh woosh

"Don't worry, honey. He'll get bored eventually."

Hurley and Sayid are sitting in the Hummer at night.  Keep those windows rolled down, Sayid.  Trust me.  Sayid wants to know what’s going on.  Hurley says he can’t tell him.  If I was Sayid, I’d be getting a little nervous.  Hurley starts pep talking Sayid.  Sayid says “you don’t know anything about me.”  “Yes I do, dude.  I follow you on Twitter.”  Then Hurley starts giving him life advice and getting awkwardly close to him.  Just before Hurley decides to lean in for a kiss, a fight breaks out in the back alley.  A broad comes out and gets pushed down.  That’s when Sayid goes nuts and roughs that guy up.  He goes to help up Blonde Girl.  They start having The Flashbacks.  Apparently they were in high school together because they’re making out at a bonfire.

Hurley goes through his usual Friday night routine and stays in the shadows and watching people make out. People are putting way too much stock in these flashbacks.  Who knows who this dude is.  Another dude, who looks like Handsome Clark Kent, approaches the vehicle.  Guess he took a whoopin’ to help get them to make out.  Bad deal.

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Ricardo, Sea Pilot, and Miles (Team Awesome) gets to the beach and is letting Team Protagonist (Kate, Hurley, Linus, Sawyer) know that they are on the beach through the walkie talkies.  Linus looks nerdy even while talking on walkie talkie.  Claire turns the corner with a gun. “Claire!” says Miles.  Kate, into walkie talkie “Did you say Claire?”  Yes, but how did you hear him say that since he wasn’t pushing down the button to talk?  Claire starts firing shots.

Ricardo begins sweet talking Claire to get her to drop the weapon.  Ricardo is smoooooove.  Claire finally puts down the gun and says she doesn’t want to go and walks away.  Nobody argues.  I don’t blame them.

Back at the dimming tunnel, Dez is a good sport and says “no prob” to going where the light is the brightest.  While lowering him down, Sad Day Monster tries to relive some of the glory days they spent together.  Jack gets catty and tells Sad Day Monster that he disrespects Locke’s memory by wearing his face.  Ouch.  Sad Day Monster, never one to back down from a tift, tells Jack that Locke was dumb and when the island sinks to the bottom of the ocean, he’ll see he was right.  Jack says “We’ll just have to see who was right.”  Sigh.  You never learn, do you, Jack?

Commercial break. Thought I would change things up from the wooshes.

Cuz they're delicious.

In line to get into the concert, we learn that Claire is the shortest person ever.  Other stuff might have happened, but I was distracted by how tiny she was and that she wasn’t in heels or shot from a different angle to make her look taller.

Backstage, CDH gets woken up from his nap.  Someone left a sign that said to wake him up because he’s in the bad.  Airtight security at this joint.  After being woken up, he tells someone he was shot by a fat man.  Not a man with long curly hair and weird sideburns.  A fat man. (shaking head sadly for Hurley)

Dan Whitmore comes backstage and thankfully introduces himself to Charlotte (who reciprocates her name) which is a huge convenience to me since I recognize them but don’t remember their names.  Dan is playing with the band tonight.  Is this the girl Sawyer tried to seduce with a sixer a while back?  How many people were in this cast?  This show ending seems like the Hollywood equivalent of the Ford factory in Flint shutting down.  Ya know, except it won’t destroy and entire city.

Kate and Claire sit at the same table and have the same uncomfortable hello as though someone didn’t call the next day.  The tension is cut when the band is introduced.

The sign in front of the stage says “Drive Shaft”.  That’s really embarassing for whomever created the sign since we all know the band’s name is “Dry Shaft”.  For being so against playing this show, Condom Drug Hobbit goes onstage without much incident.  The guy who plays Dan Whitmore needs to learn how to fake playing the piano.

During the show, CDH starts giving Claire “The Stare”.  “The Stare” is so powerful it induces labor in ladies.  Even those who aren’t pregnant.  Thankfully in this case, she is.  So Claire goes to the bathroom to have her baby prom-style.

woosh woosh woosh

Dez is at the bottom of the waterfall.  There’s a lot of skeletons down there.  He finally gets to a natural Mountain Dew hotspring.  Delicious.  As he puts his feet in, it hurts more and more.  Kinda like when you try to get into a hot tub when you have sunburn on your legs and it really hurts at first but you fight through it and finally make it into the tub (oh, the plight of the Irish).

He gets to the center and… uncorks a bottle of evil wine.  Oh.  So it wasn’t a metaphor earlier.  There is literally a cork keeping the evil from escaping.

Lotsa notches in that belt.

A bunch of evil steam escapes and Sad Day Monster says “It looks like you were wrong” to Jack.  He sure was.  Way wrong.

Jack is a sore loser so as Sad Day Monster goes to take his victory lap, Jack tackles him from behind. Sad Day Monster gets a bloody lip and IT’S ON!  Sad Day Monster cracks Jack in the side of the head with a rock.  It’s back off.

Claire ignores the “crew members only” sign and goes backstage where there is a confused roadie.  She asks him for help.  He says sure and takes off running.  He isn’t coming back, Claire.

We cut back to the concert which is terrible.  How did Gothic CDH get into this awful muzak band?

Mrs. Whitmore sits down with Dez at Table 23 (get it!? That was Jack’s number in the cave!).  She’s the Sad Day Monster of Snoozeville and isn’t real happy with Dez for getting all these people together.  She asks if Dez will be taking her son, Dez sayz not with him.  Good call.  You don’t want that guy playing sub-par music wherever you go.

Backstage, Claire is makin’ babies.  No sign of the roadie who left a while ago.  Charlie comes backstage because he’s never one to miss a good childbirth.  They send him off to go get some blankets and water.  Preferably a hose because this baby is gonna need a good rinse when it comes out.

Kate puts her hair up so it doesn’t get baby goo on it and it’s go time.  as a courtesy she puts a denim jacket over Claire’s lap so nobody gets a free peak at her lady business.

While delivering the baby, Kate and Claire start having flashbacks.  Luckily she didn’t drop the baby while distracted.  Kate hands a fresh baby over to Claire after the shortest stretch of labor ever recorded.  Nobody bothers wiping the poor kid off.  CDH comes back with some blankets but says he couldn’t find water.  Sorry, CDH, not buying it.  If there is one thing that is always in full supply backstage anywhere, it’s water.

Claire has become a flashback junkie and asks CDH to hold her hand.  He does.  They have nice flashbacks about their happy life together.  When they cut back, they start making out and the baby looks super bored with the whole thing.  Hey wait.  Kate and Claire interacted tons before. Why did the flashbacks just start happening now? Hello…?

woosh woosh woosh

Back on the island, they simulate and earthquake by shaking the camera and having everyone wobble.  Hurley is terrible at it.  A tree falls on Linus as he tries to push Hurley out of the way.  I don’t think Linus is strong enough to push Hurley anywhere.  Elsewhere, Jack wakes up all spazzy and can’t find Dez.  Linus is comfortably resting under a tree. I would think his innards would be pretty smashed up.

While trying to figure out how to get Linus out from under his lounge tree, Miles calls on the ol’ walkie talkie.  Their welding the plane together and have about an hour before they need to leave.  Kate doesn’t know how they’re going to get there.  Linus, feeling no pain from being crushed by a tree, says they can take Sad Day Monster’s boat. Why are there earthquakes on the other island?  It’s not going anywhere.  Or did someone pull the cork in it’s light tunnel too?

Cut to Sad Day Monster looking out at the boat from a cliff.  Jack finds him.  Yells at him.  They’re going to fight.  It’s gonna be awesome. Sad Day Monster pulls a knife. Jack counters with a running jump punch.  Which will get you stabbed 90% of the time.  They fight a bit on the rocks.  Locke throws his backpack away.  What is it with everyone on this show and their backpacks?

Jack gets stabbed.  Instead of going for the immediate kill.  Sad Day Monster gets jack laying on his back and puts the knife to his throat.  He says “Just so you know, Jack, you died for nothing.  Just like Stonewall Jackson.”  Just then, he gets shot by Kate who says “I saved you a bullet.”  The Terminator, she is not.  With a little help from a kick by Jack, Sad Day Monster does his imitation of Homer Simpson trying to jump the Springfield Gorge.

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Jack is coming out of his surgery on Locke and a nurse points out his neck is bleeding.  He says “damnit!” instead of actually trying to discover why his neck spontaneously bleeds.  My money’s on scurvy.  Before he can hit the showers, the nurse says Locke is waking up.  Jack says he’ll take it from here.

After Locke wakes up, Jack tells him not to try not to move.  He’s a paraplegic Jack.  He shouldn’t have to try too hard.  Locke says the surgery worked because he can feel his legs.  Jack says that he can’t.  Locke adds another notch to the Jack is Wrong Belt by wiggling his toes.  They touch and have a flashback montage.  Locke asks Jack if he saw that.  Jack denies it for reasons unknown.  As he leaves, Locke tells Jack he doesn’t have a son.  That’s not very nice.  Then he says “I hope someone does for you what you just did for me.”  Complex spinal surgery?

Back on the island, it has stopped raining.  Hey, how come when Sad Day Monster became human again he didn’t revert back to the original body he had?  Ya know, when he was a people.  Hurley, Sawyer, and Linus show up.  Wait.  How did Linus get out from under the tree without Kate to help?  Nuts to this, let’s go back to Snoozeville.

woosh woosh woosh

Sawyer gets to Jin and Sun’s room as they’re leaving.  Jin is nothing but weird smiles as Sun explains they don’t need protection and they are safe.  As they leave they say to Sawyer “See you there.”  “Where?” “The cast party.”

On the island, Salty Pilot is trying to get things working.  The plane won’t start so he turns to Ricardo and Miles and asks “Are either of you mechanical?”  “You mean like a robot?”  Pilot stopped listening and just sent Miles under the plane with a roll of duct tape.

High fiving Robo-Miles just isn't the same.

Jack tells the group that whatever Dez did he needs to undo.  He wants to send the rest of them on their way.  He asks Sawyer if he can get the boat to Hydra island.  Since Sawyer has a backpack he’s operating at 100% confidence and says absolutely.  Linus says he is going down with the island.  I’m relieved to know I will never meet him.  Hurley would rather die on the island than try to scale a cliff.

Kate gets all girl on Jack and asks him if she’ll ever see him again.  He doesn’t want to deal with it so he kisses her.  Way to keep her in check, Jack.  After pulling back, Kate says she loves him.  Jack doesn’t love her back so he hesitates and realizes the lesser of two evils is to just say “I love you too.”  Jack’s giving out some free lady advice, fellas.

Jack, Hurley, and Linus form the worst threesome in history and go off into the jungle.

Back at the plane, Miles and Ricardo are doing an ad for duct tape.  Sawyer tries to radio Pilot who is being difficult to work with and he chucks his walkie talkie across the plane.  Which seems like overkill.

Sawyer and Kate realize they have to jump off the cliff to get to the boat.  Kate does the right thing and doesn’t think about it and jumps.  Sawyer decides the best idea is to jump head first.  That is a bad idea for a lot of reasons.  Somehow it works out.

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Sawyer passes Jack in the hallway and asks where he can get some grub.  Jack directs him to the vending machines.  Why didn’t Sawyer go to a restaurant?  He doesn’t need to protect Sun.  He should do something other than loiter at a hospital.  Sawyer’s candy bar gets stuck in the machine.  Bummer.  I expect Sawyer to start shooting the machine.

Lady Doctor (who I found out is Juliette) comes in and makes some chit chat.  She says if you unplug the machine and plug it back in, the candy drops.  I’m skeptical because that doesn’t make sense.  Sawyer goes to try it and unplugs the generator that supplies the hospital with electricity.  That makes the candy bar fall (wait, he didn’t plug it back in) and they touch hands.  They have flashbacks.  They come back and Juliette asks him if he wants to get coffee. “I’d love to get coffee but that machine ate my dollar and I only have one left.”  That’s why Sawyer is awesome.  As is protocol to this point, they make out because they touched hands.  They have no plans to restore power to the hospital.

Jack gets to the concert just as it ends.  His son, ex-wife, and Claire all neglected to call him to tell him where they were going.  Kate’s there though.  She feels left out of the make out sessions.  She comes up and touches Jack.  Based on his face, Jack has some issues.  Why is Jack the only one who doesn’t just roll with these flashbacks?

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Based on the rocks falling, I think they might be at Islands of Adventure in Orlando.  Hurley throws a temper tantrum when Jack says he is going in alone and probably not coming back out.  If Hurley’s going to act like a child, then Jack will treat him like one and says Hurley will take over protecting the island (that way Hurley feels useful).  Hurley starts bargaining and pouting.  Seriously, is he 10 years old?  Jack becomes the William Henry Harrison of island protectors and they make plans to transfer over the powers.  They go and put mud water into a disposable water bottle.  We’ve really gone downhill on the quality of drink in these transfers.  Jack doesn’t bless the water so this is clearly fake. After Hurley takes a drink.  Jack says “Now you’re like me.  Handsome and incompetent.”

On the other island, the plane starts.  Hooray!

Jack gets lowered into the cave.  Hurley drops him.  Jack finds Dez and helps him up.  Dez thought he would leave if he uncorked the evil wine.  “You were right, Jack.” “There’s a first time for everything.”  Yep.  Jack is determined to be a martyr so he puts Dez in the sling and goes to put the cork back in.

Pilot is backing up the plane.  Which I didn’t think was possible, hence all those little carts that push planes back at the airport.  Kate and Sawyer rally Claire and are trying to tell Pilot to wait for them.  Pilot’s lack of courtesy resulted in the walkie talkie being somewhere he can’t hear them.

There’s a shot of the plane as the ground breaks up.  I think they reused footage from the Langoliers.  As they’re about to take off, Sawyer emerges from the bushes.  Sea Pilot says “What the hell?”  They’re just people, buddy, no need to worry.

Jack muscles up and gets the cork back in the wine.  But we all know it won’t taste the same now.  Nothing happens.  Poor Jack.  At some point he needs to be right about something.

Everyone gets on the plane and everyone takes an aisle seat except Claire.  Maybe they wanted more leg room?  The ground breaks up underneath the plane as it takes off and immediately makes a sharp turn.  I’d probably give it a minute to get settled, but far be it from me to tell Salty Pilot his business.

See. We celebrate his victories here too. Why does that guy look like the balloons?

Water starts trickling in.  Turns out Jack was right about this!  (party) After a little click the island fires up again.  So what is this light that keeps it running?  Hurley and Linus pull Desmond up.  Not sure why they didn’t do that earlier.  They would have had time to throw the rope back down for Jack.  Jack, celebrating his first victory in a while, lays happily.

For the final stretch, we’ll take things one at a time starting with the island.

Hurley is all sad because Jack disappeared.  Linus says Desmond will be ok.  They really should have tried to get a woman to stick around.  Now it’s just three dudes alone on an island.  Hurley has a freak out.  Linus starts quoting inspirational poems and tells him to do what he does best and help people.  That’s what Hurley does best?

Jack wakes up spooning a rock (not the first time!).  He’s a little uncomfortable.  He stumbles around the island, past a shoe in a tree.  He collapses.  A dog comes up and just sits next to him after licking up some of his blood (I wouldn’t advise that, dog).  As he is laying there all happy, he sees the plane fly overheard.  Frowny face.

The series really wraps up in Snoozeville.  Who knew this show about the island was actually about LA and took 6 seasons to set up a 10 minute sequence.  Here is what happened…

Locke takes a cab to the top of a mountain in Rio.  I am assuming that because the Christ the Redeemer statue is there.  He sees Ben outside who apologizes for what he did to him.  Throwing salt on his game while they were teaching together at the high school?  He says he did it because he was jealous and wanted everything he had (like a cool wheelchair).  When asked if he was coming inside, Ben says he has some stuff to work out.  Like whether or not it is ok to make a pass at a high school girl after making out with her mom.  Locke gets up and walks into the church.  In your face, God’s plan!

Hurley pops out and Ben is awkwardly excited to see him.  Ben still refuses to go inside.  Hurley tells him he is a real good number 2.  Um, did he just call him a piece of [blank]?  Ben doesn’t have a good comeback so he calls him a pretty good number 1.

Kate and Jack arrive.  Jack says this is where they were going to have his dad’s funeral.  Kate ruins the surprise funeral by saying they are going to have his dad’s funeral and then they’re all going to leave.

Jack goes into a room that has a stained glass window with every religious symbol and paces around the coffin.  I’m expecting someone to jump out and yell “surprise” at any second.  When he touches the coffin, there’s a Jack montage that doesn’t make any sense.  He opens the coffin and the body isn’t there.  Uh oh, looks like the necros got there first.

Jack’s dad is there.  Jack says “what are you doing here?”  His dad says “What are YOU doing here?”  Good comeback.  This is all Jack needs to realize he’s dead.  Bummer.

This is the point when the entire series gets explained to us.  Take it away, Jack’s dad…

“Thanks, John.  Ahem.  Everything that has happened is real.  Everyone out there is dead.  You didn’t all die at the same time, but I’m sure you knew that because Juliette blew up a long time ago.  Episode 1, in fact.  There is no ‘now’ here.  Although, it took you a while to get here.  It’s a place you all made together so you could find one another.  You probably could have done better than just imagining LA, but that is just an indictment against the lack of imaginations in you all.  The most important time of your life was the time you spent with these people.  You need them (to cover your bad choices), and they need you (to feel smarter after listening to your problem solving ideas).  You needed each other to remember and to let go.  We’re all moving on.  Let’s go find out where.”

My money is on heck.  Thanks, Jack’s dad.  You made my life a lot easier.

So they go out.  Everybody hugs.  Miles and Ricardo are nowhere in sight.  My guess is that they had much cooler times than the time they spent on the island.  They’re at some church across town with cool people.  I slip out the back so I don’t get stuck in a conversation with Hurley.

Once I’m outside a bunch of light enters into the overly-denominational church.

Jack closes his eye.  Show’s over.

Thoughts I Have

  • How does this work?  People don’t die until they move on?  I’m unclear on how Mrs. Whitmore knows what’s going on and wants to prevent it.
  • So what happened to everyone who died in Snoozeville?  Like Toothy Mobster?
  • Those numbers next to everyone’s name in the cave didn’t mean anything apparently.
  • I stand by my 5/15 Theory (catchy, huh?) that you can watch the first five and last fifteen minutes of each episodes and know everything you need from the episode.  Expanding out for the extended episode, you would have watched the first 13 minutes and last 37.  Theory works again.
  • My above theory was also confirmed for me by Radio Askew with whom I did a podcast over the weekend (www.radioaskew.com).  Someone put my theory to the test and got all caught up before the finale.  Science wins again.
  • My assumption is no one ever threatened the island again and they just went on about their business for eternity.
  • For the record, I was able to follow this season fine.  I enjoyed the finale.  A lot of stuff went unanswered from the season (and likely the series), but after watching only one season I feel like I caught the most important stuff.

The final season of LOST as drawn to look like the Sistine Chapel ceiling by someone who has never seen LOST.

118 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Chris on May 25, 2010 at 6:53 pm

    R.I.P. papadurbin. Thanks for making this season watchable.


  2. Posted by mobius412 on May 25, 2010 at 7:01 pm

    It makes me sad that this will be the last time this makes me smile


  3. Posted by Aaron on May 25, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    Langoliers reference = spot on.


  4. Posted by margo on May 25, 2010 at 7:21 pm

    This was so fun! Thank you! I loved the finale and I loved this.

    And awww to handsome Clark Kent. The Sayid stuff was among my favorite scenes, but it really would make absolutely no sense without seeing season one because yeah, the blonde and the handsome guy are long gone. But I still loved you teasing it.

    I totally understand that it would be hard to recognize Juliet since you only saw her all bloody and dying in a dark hole. She’s so gorgeous normally.

    Moral of the story? Dez really IS the nicest person. I feel like that was one of the most consistent themes of the whole series.


  5. Posted by studiorose on May 25, 2010 at 7:21 pm

    I’ll miss you more than ice cream. 😦


  6. 🙂 your posts will be missed.


  7. Posted by elsie on May 25, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    Awww, I don’t want it to end. I hope you’re still going to do the Outroduction!

    When you go through the comments, enjoy all the idiots who tried to explain stuff that seemed misunderstood in the posts. Also enjoy all the idiots who tried to tell those idiots to shut up and stop helping you cause you weren’t supposed to understand it 🙂


  8. Posted by Megs on May 25, 2010 at 7:33 pm

    I have loved reading your blog! I don’t want it to end! I hope you’ll go back and watch the rest of the series, and maybe update us on your thoughts of each season and how they relate to the final season every now and then!


  9. “After Locke wakes up, Jack tells him not to try not to move. He’s a paraplegic Jack. He shouldn’t have to try too hard. ”

    Well, when Hurley and Ben take over neurosurgery things should look up.

    Thanks for this blog !


  10. Posted by les-chan on May 25, 2010 at 7:45 pm

    Loved the final sistine-chapel style drawing, I wasn’t able to recognize all the characters but it gave me a good laugh, specially the bottom left corner with the squid and the sub, looks kinda cute, even with the little stick person drawing and all.
    hey! and thanks for making some discrepancies about the series funny that without this blog would have been really frustrating.


  11. Posted by mandy on May 25, 2010 at 7:55 pm

    i was mad the last two days about this stupid ending, but lmfao reading your blog. thanks for making the retched really damn funny.


  12. Posted by ahren on May 25, 2010 at 7:58 pm

    As someone who had seen every episode of Lost before running across this earlier today, your blog just consumed my entire evening, and it was hilarious. Thank you!


  13. Posted by r_fostoria on May 25, 2010 at 8:19 pm

    When you said that the flashbacks looked like a different show than the last season you were spot on. There is a definitive break between the third and fourth seasons where the show should have been given a different title. The first three seasons are all about regular plane crash stuff: finding water, signaling for a search party, building shelters, and learning about the other people who you are now forced to live with. Sure there were some oddities such as the DHARMA Initiative, other island inhabitants, and of course our dear friend the Sad Day Monster. Then Charlie died. Everything ordinary of explicable died off with him. Suddenly there are magical wheels, time travel, parallel universes, immortal people, and even actually escaping the island and returning. From the fourth season on the show was COMPLETELY different. That said the other five seasons are definitely worth watching. Knowing how it all ends will make some of the irrelevant issues a bit boring, but it still makes for an entertaining show.


  14. Posted by debi on May 25, 2010 at 8:23 pm

    Thanks for the laughs this season! Look forward to the final entry.

    FWIW, every season of Lost feels like a different show. Queue up your netflix with seasons 1-5. You wont regret it!


  15. Posted by Em on May 25, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    “Jin and Sun are excited to predict/announce the baby will be a girl and they plan to name her Jihad (not my first choice, but to each his own).”

    My favorite line of this blog. Thanks so much for these. I’ve enjoyed them all season.


  16. Posted by Katie on May 25, 2010 at 8:39 pm

    Thanks for all the laughs! You should watch the rest of the series; this season was the weakest by far. The reason you could follow it so well is that the writers dropped pretty much everything they’d established as important in the first few seasons and put in a bunch of random new stuff. Even the bits that did connect to previous seasons were clumsy and often didn’t fit with the show’s internal “rules.” The first two seasons and the latter part of season 3 were excellent. The first part of season 3 was mainly filler, and seasons 4 and 5 were where things started to go off the rails, but even most of those episodes were higher quality than what we got this season.


  17. Posted by Sarah K. on May 25, 2010 at 8:53 pm

    So hilarious – I absolutely love your blog. Seriously, reading your blog makes me hope that someday we’ll meet, touch hands, have a flashback of a previous life we had together on a mysterious island and then start making out.

    Best line: Miles and Ricardo are nowhere in sight. My guess is that they had much cooler times than the time they spent on the island. They’re at some church across town with cool people. I slip out the back so I don’t get stuck in a conversation with Hurley.

    Not only was it laugh out loud hilarious – but a lot of people on the internets were commenting “Why wasn’t Richard there? Why not Miles? Why not the pilot.” Team Awesome clearly had more awesome places to be.


    • Posted by Milesismyhero on May 26, 2010 at 8:05 am

      Yes i loved that bit to. I have watched all seasons but in the end all I really cared about was if Team Awesome were gonna make it of the island. I’ve seen a lot of commentators wondering about why they wasn’t in the church. But you are the only one who seem to share my view that they had more awesome things to do after they left the island.


  18. Posted by Cindy loo hoo on May 25, 2010 at 9:01 pm

    My blogging hero, I will miss you more than I will miss Lost.

    Thank you for all your effort and awesomeness. I am definitely checking out your podcast.

    For the record Claire is around 5’2.


  19. Posted by Stephanie on May 25, 2010 at 9:04 pm

    So hilarious and fun to read. I loved the episode but I also love reading you poke a little fun at my favorite show pretty much ever. Hopefully you watch the clip show and then do your outroduction. I listened to your radio askew interview and I thought the DH idea was good…I would definitely read it! As I was watching this finale I didn’t think you would have trouble putting it all together. The flashbacks made it easier to know how all of the old (dead) characters were and what they meant to the characters you know. The Sayid/Shannon flashes were my favorite part of the whole thing since I loved them together.

    I love how you notice the numbers when they randomly show up. You only seem to know 23 but there are others that appear throughout the series. If you watch the recap that aired first you’ll see them.

    I just have to tell you what I thought were the funniest lines from your blog tonight:
    -They got a dog and set up some shanties.
    -Jihad (not my first choice, but to each his own).
    -Despite baldness, Locke is wearing a hairnet.
    -Since Sawyer has a backpack he’s operating at 100% confidence and says absolutely. Linus says he is going down with the island. I’m relieved to know I will never meet him. Hurley would rather die on the island than try to scale a cliff.
    -Jack becomes the William Henry Harrison of island protectors

    And the funniest thing you’ve ever written – Dry Shaft!! I still laugh at that.


  20. Posted by Ann on May 25, 2010 at 9:08 pm

    Thanks for the laughs. I vote for “Sad Day Monster” as the best thing you came up with. I never thought of him as anything else after reading it here. The Sistine chapel sketch is cool too. Almost as cool as Miles.


  21. Posted by Collin on May 25, 2010 at 9:09 pm

    Damn, I have to say you made this season even better than it was. And I was a lost fan from the beginning. Thank you sir.


  22. Posted by spud on May 25, 2010 at 9:11 pm

    Dude/Dudette (don’t know which and don’t want to offend),

    ‘Twas a fun blog to read and I always got a few chuckles out of it. I have the whole series ripped (love the video capture cards) so i will need to go back and see WTF was going on and how it all tied together. The Wifey and I looked at eachother after the last ep. and simultaneously said “WTF just happened?”


  23. Posted by Just Saying on May 25, 2010 at 9:25 pm

    Ahhh, thank you. You made me laugh. You made me laugh when I was feeling pretty lousy after a disappointing ending to a show I loved so much. * Sniff * You are a gifted humorist. Hey, I looooved your Sistine Chapel drawing, I can’t tell you how much! Especially poor Illana’s picture, hahaha. I see long-hair muscley Sayid, sweater Ben, knifey Locke (seriously, with bald guys ya gotta add in some ears!), backpack Jack- wait a minute, who is on the horse??? Is that YOU as in the Old Spice commercial? Brilliant.


  24. Posted by Liz Antin on May 25, 2010 at 9:31 pm

    You might feel caught up on the important stuff, but you aren’t. Begin anew with Season 1. That will be an interesting ride.

    I immensely enjoyed your recaps and looked forward to them after every last episode this last season as much as I did the episodes themselves. I am bittersweet that both are ending.


  25. Posted by Jay on May 25, 2010 at 9:33 pm

    “As a friend pointed out, this might be the first blog with a definitive end. Good to be a part of history.”

    Didn’t that Julie/Julia Blog they made the movie out of have a definite pre-defined?

    Anyways, good reviews. I’ve loved reading them the whole season and I certainly hope you at least watch the original season premiere.


  26. This way an awesome blog. You should watch the whole series backwards, with each season from beginning to end, like you did with this one.


  27. Posted by Tim Thomason on May 25, 2010 at 9:57 pm

    Sistine Chapel makeup:

    4 Corners (clockwise from top left): Dead Sad Day Monster on a cliff – Ajira Plane flying away from the Island – Black Rock ship crashing on the Island with Sad Day Monster happy – Squid eating Submarine with dead body floating away

    Top : Sayid with Gun

    Right side, from Top: John Locke (Sad Day Monster’s human form) with knife – Dr. Ben Linus with glasses and sweatervest – skinny-ish looking Hurley – Jack and Kate touching hands (flashbacks offscreen) – Ilana blow-up

    Bottom: Jack holding cup?

    Left side, from Bottom: Ricardo on horse (eye shadow oddly not drawn in) – Sawyer? I guess, with blond hair and all – Kate (although it could also pass for Sayid or skinny Hurley if I hadn’t seen them elsewhwere) – Jack with backpack – pregnant Claire enjoying a relaxing smoke

    Middle six images:
    – The dead people gathered in the church going into the Light. The stick figurines are hanging from the top, pushing against the wall, and just standing there (not sure who or what they represent)
    – Desmond pulling the cork out of the metaphysical – previously metaphorical – Island bottle. The stick figures on the left are fighting (Jack and Locke?) and on the right is looking down (Jack or Locke probably)
    – Jack (with backpack) pointing/touching/getting along with Sad Day Monster. On the left, the stick figure is lying down (Jack dying?). On the right, the stick figure is flying (an angel?)
    – An airplane breaking up over the Island. Probably represents what the author knows of previous seasons versus something in this season (crashes were mentioned), or the end credits promotional footage added by ABC. The stick figure on the left is falling off the side holding a big rock or suitcase or something (could be Sad Day Monster, but he doesn’t have a knife). The stick figure on the left is holding a rope, like Jack, Hurley, Ben, and the Sad Day Monster in this ep.
    – Jacob and his unnamed Sad Day Brother. The stick figure on the left is doing a push-up (?? no idea). On the right, it looks like it’s sitting or missing a leg with it’s arms in the air (Locke in a wheelchair?).
    – The Heart of the Island in its brighter days.


    • Very close. The couple holding hands are Sun and Jin. The guy on the opposite end as Sayid is Miles giving us all a thumbs up.

      The Sistine Chapel ceiling has a bunch of random angels on it, so I drew a bunch of random stick men doing different things. Kudos for catching that one of them is doing push ups (I ran out of ideas for things to have them do).

      Of course, all art is up for interpretation, so feel free to ignore my explanation.


      • Posted by Karolyn on May 27, 2010 at 2:54 pm

        Hey!! You responded to a comment!!! Have you been lurking here the whole time??
        Thank you for the blog. Once I started reading it, I would watch the episodes and see things I knew you would make fun of. It was like easter egg hunting…
        Thank you again. You’re a funny guy.
        By the way, how the hell did Jack get out of the Dimmed Light Cave?


  28. Posted by Aimee on May 25, 2010 at 10:31 pm

    Thanks for the memories. After reading this, I don’t regret watching this after all. You saved the last 6 years of my TV watching life!


  29. Another amazing entry, as usual. Spot on with so much and made me laugh. Langoliers reference made me proud to know what it was. Almost sprayed my drink out of my nose when I read “With a little help from a kick by Jack, Sad Day Monster does his imitation of Homer Simpson trying to jump the Springfield Gorge.”

    Thanks, also, for the mention! I feel like the podcast is now a party of history…. not, like, important history but history just the same.

    10 to 1, by the way, Jack gave Hurley a case of Beaver Fever when he gave him the job of Island protector as well. Still can’t believe how much they beat up poor Hurley even in this final episode.


  30. Posted by blubb on May 25, 2010 at 11:20 pm

    It’s over, papadurbin, and… well, all I can say is thank you.

    Thank you for the effort you made to entertain so many people.

    Thank you for sad day monster.

    Thank you for the tribute to toba.

    Back when I came across the blog I was really mad at the show, and you helped. Now that I got an ending that, after a moment of pure anger at the show, I am completely happy with, that I’m actually loving (I know, go ahead fellow fans, call me moron, fanboy, worse things, and don’t forget to try and convince me I’m wrong and it’s a bad thing I’m happy.), you topped my happiness – unvoluntarily !- with that Langoliers reference. LANGOLIERS! That was the very first word I thought during the very first episode of Lost.

    My faves ths week:

    “Jack is looking at a head X-ray, trying to figure out what’s wrong with this guy’s knee. ”

    “Despite baldness, Locke is wearing a hairnet. ”

    ““The Stare” is so powerful it induces labor in ladies. ”

    “Backstage, Claire is makin’ babies.”

    “Charlie comes backstage because he’s never one to miss a good childbirth.”

    Thank you. And yes, watch the show. You may do it from the start, for your own fun. If you decide to watch it in reverse order – you are very welcome to blog about it:) I’d also LOVE to see that reading on here!

    Cu next post. Can’t wait. Have fun reading the comments.


  31. Posted by Charles on May 25, 2010 at 11:22 pm

    This was by far the funniest recap you’ve had, not counting the early ones where I just laughed at all you mistakes. Thanks for being able to make me laugh at a show that I’m completely obsessed with. You were able to the humor away from player hattin the show and geared it more towards the absurdity of the show when not familiar with it. A lot of the comments and observations you made were spot on. I especially loved it when you got names wrong and your incompetence temple which seems to have become much smaller in the final episodes. While I’m sad to see the end of Lost, I’m sad to see your blog go away to. I will still try and follow any postings you may have outside of Lost. Namaste


  32. Posted by annina22363 on May 25, 2010 at 11:24 pm

    John, thanks again, your posts on this blog have been fresh air and a good opportunity to share a laugh. Should you ever land in Milan, just come round for dinner with us. Can’t wait for the Outroduction.


  33. Posted by missscarlett on May 26, 2010 at 12:46 am

    Frakking brilliant!!


  34. Posted by Joseph on May 26, 2010 at 1:17 am

    You should watch the first episode, and recap that, and try to figure pit how it might turn in to the final season.

    Also you should definitely do desperate housewives for your next show. I’ve only seen the first season, but it has a lot of twists and can actually be pretty entertaining.


  35. Posted by Becoming,Pt2 on May 26, 2010 at 4:54 am

    Thanks for writing this awesome blog. As much as I’ve loved this season, reading this blog has made me love it even more.
    And I don’t get complaints about the finale. I loved it and thought it was an outstanding wrap up to the series. The show’s always been primarily based on characters and I’m glad that’s what they focused on in the finale.


  36. Posted by karine on May 26, 2010 at 6:19 am

    This was so much fun! Thanks.


  37. Posted by Mira8 on May 26, 2010 at 6:22 am

    *Stands and applauds* BRAVO!!!!! The Sistine Chapel rendering is particularly brilliant.


  38. Posted by Belica on May 26, 2010 at 6:24 am

    Despite all the emotion, feelings, tears and staff from the episode, I kept thinking of you when I saw how Jack was stabbed in the abdomen and it took him half episode to die (not like all the rest of the cast that died from the same type of wound). That was definitely how the writers secretly payed homage to your blog.

    Difficult to pick just a few best lines:

    “As they leave they say to Sawyer “See you there.” “Where?” “The cast party.”” (The whole purpose of the series: To through a big cast party and make out at it. Checked)

    “Since Sawyer has a backpack he’s operating at 100% confidence and says absolutely”

    “Locke throws his backpack away. What is it with everyone on this show and their backpacks?” (Yeah. ¿What is it? Specially when you are a Sad Day Monster made of smoke)


  39. Posted by mdamien on May 26, 2010 at 6:32 am

    Thanks for the laughs. It’s really liberating knowing there’s nothing left worth watching on TV. Maybe now we can all head out into the light.


  40. Posted by LOST LUVA on May 26, 2010 at 7:33 am

    This is a happy ending. Christian meant that nobody can live forever. One time or the other you all have to die. Hugo probably died the latest but he did die. The Island life was all real. The Side flashes was a life where they have to be re united and move on and remember the good times. The weren’t dead all along. The island life was real. But when they did die. They went to the church to move on 🙂 This is a very happy ending.
    So good live long lost even though its over lol


  41. Posted by Milesismyhero on May 26, 2010 at 8:46 am

    I read it and realised that Lost really is over, this blog was the finale thing I was looking forward to after the finale. I have watched all seasons (on hulu this year but anyway) but in the end I’m amazed about how many things I agreed with you about. I never really cared about Jack and thougt he always seemed to make bad decisions and didn’t understand why people wanted him to be the leader. In the end all I really cared about was Team Awesome and them getting of the island.

    But I would really like it if you recapped all the other seasons of Lost to, i thin we are a lot of people who would watch it with you. You could watch it in reversed order and now start with seasons 5. I would love to read your thoughts when you find out about the time travel, the frozen donkey wheel, teh Dharma Initiative, Miles and Hurley’s abilities to talk with ghosts and a lot of other things.

    From a fan in Sweden


  42. Posted by Diva on May 26, 2010 at 10:54 am

    Thanks for the laughs dude! After that awful, waste of a finale your recap was just what I needed.

    Darlton, you should be ashamed of yourselves for this copout ending. Everyone is dead and walks into the light together??? Seriously??? Gah!

    And I guess the lives of those who escaped don’t matter because no one matters once the great Jacksus is dead. This really was just The Jack Show all along. Shame on me for falling for the long con.


  43. Posted by Luke on May 26, 2010 at 10:57 am

    Thanks for the blog, been a good laugh. You should definitely watch the other seasons, even though you know the end game they’re still very good. Keep up updated on how you’re finding the seasons if you do!


  44. Posted by Glen on May 26, 2010 at 10:57 am

    Great blog. Thanks for writing this.

    Favorite line from this article: “The William Henry Harrison of island protectors”.


  45. Posted by Jason S. on May 26, 2010 at 10:59 am

    Favorite line:

    “In line to get into the concert, we learn that Claire is the shortest person ever. ”

    I burst out laughing at that one because I remember thinking when I saw her in line; “Dang!!! SHE IS SHORT!”

    Thank you so much for this blog. Many a happy laugh tear have been shed reading your posts.


  46. Posted by Kerry on May 26, 2010 at 11:02 am

    I like your idea of doing another “finale” blog but I doubt there is any show it would work with like this. Nothing on tv now has this level of detail and mystery (of which 90% got chucked ignored in the finale). I’m not sure if next season is the last of Dexter, but that could be a good one. Or, go with a show that has jumped the shark horribly, like Greys Anatomy or Desperate Housewives.

    Another idea could be to do movie reviews.


  47. Thanks for a season of awesome recaps. I loved the line “what, complex spinal surger.” great stuff. I am not sure how well this method will work on other shows. Maybe Doctor Who.


  48. super post !


  49. Posted by Aubrey on May 26, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    I am actually happy to hear you say you liked the finale. And thank you so much for your hilarious take on Lost this season. I will forever use the name Sad Day Monster and Toga when referencing those characters.

    Best line of this post: “Jack, Hurley, and Linus form the worst threesome in history and go off into the jungle.”

    I stumbled across this when Damon Lindelof, one of the Lost producers/writers, tweeted about it. He thought it was awesome. It’s not easy to write and make people laugh out loud while they read. I work in advertising and would love to what your background is in and if you want a job : )


  50. Posted by Sophie on May 26, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    ‘Linus looks nerdy even while talking on walkie talkie’ – HAHA!!

    Please, I urge you, YouTube Michael Emerson (the actor who plays Ben) and your opinion will change instantly! He is the most wonderful guy, so intelligent, insightful and such a sweetheart! If you do nothing else, do that! I hate that you hate Ben as much as I find it hilarious!!! PLEASE!!

    I love that you think Ben is some kind of whore amongst the Rousseau family, please watch the previous seasons! Purely for comedy value when you see things in a different light! 😀


  51. I’ve really enjoyed reading you blog.
    Are you going to watch the other five seasons? You should do it.


  52. Posted by Michael on May 26, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    My son now calls that nasty little cloud that appears over your head in Mario Kart and eventually shrinks/slows your car the Sad Day Monster because of your blog. Cheers!


  53. Posted by Dan on May 26, 2010 at 2:32 pm

    The plane could possibly back itself up (I know a C-17 can), but still the idea of fixing a plane that rammed a few trees on landing with duck tape and a butane torch is pretty ridiculous. Most likely, it would break up in flight due to remaining damage that causes excess drag, or if they kept it low and slow, they’d run out of fuel and crashland in the ocean. And Sullenberger was killed on landing.

    They use the push cart so the plane doesn’t blast the terminal and surrounding air crew doing its own push-back. It takes a fair amount of force to move a jumbo jet, and Newton’s Law doesn’t play nice. Of course on an island with a lot of loose debris on the ground, he probably would have destroyed the engine sucking all that crap up in the process. There’s a reason the crew of an aircraft carrier forms a single line across the deck and then walks it in unison picking up junk.

    The sharp turn just after takeoff was ill-advised, but not out of the realm of possibility. Especially when CGI is involved.


  54. Posted by capslocke on May 26, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    heyyyy papadurbin!!!!!!!!! I will miss looking forward to ur awesomely hilarious posts!!!! But I guess I’ll just have to “chillax”. Suggestion: You should write about the rest of the show (watching it all backwards, of course :-P.) And if you don’t, then I guess is goodbye :-).
    -CapsLocke (Adam.)


  55. John, thanks so much for writing these! It’s been an essential companion reader to the show this year.

    If possible, would you be able to post video of you reading this stuff tomorrow night? My wife and I both are fans of this blog, but I’ve tried a couple times to read it out loud for her so she can do something else at the same time, and I just can’t do the timing or inflection or whatever it is to convey the humor. The conclusion I came to is that it’s because it’s simply a written form of humor. But I’m guessing that since you’re going to do a live reading, that your own voice has the inflection and timing to carry the jokes off the page.

    I hope I didn’t just make you doubt yourself there. I’m sure it’s going to be an awesome time. But I would love to see video if possible.

    Thanks again for writing this!


    • I think we are. We’re definitely filming it, just not sure if we’re going to be live ustreaming it (doubtful) but we should have something we can post.

      In fact, now that I think about it, that might delay the outroduction.


      Stay tuned.


      • Posted by Aubrey on June 2, 2010 at 8:08 pm

        We’re staying tuned!! Are we still getting an outroduction?


      • Posted by sammmmm on June 3, 2010 at 10:49 am

        Where’s the Outroduction?!? I check here everyday to see if its here and I’m starting to doubt if there will be one 😦 Please can you tell us when it will be and it would be funny if you make a slide show tribute for every character that’s died this series 😀 Thanks!


  56. Posted by debdolls on May 26, 2010 at 4:58 pm

    Great, as always. I’ll miss you.


  57. Posted by Susie McNeil on May 26, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    “Some guy who looks like a roadie for Wide Spread Panic is driving the delivery truck for a day job.”

    Thanks for making me look like a mental patient at work…repeated outbursts of laughter without context always make people so comfortable…

    Great job…saved the season!


  58. […] Episode 17 of the Final Season of LOST SPOILER ALERT!!!!! Do I really need to say that?  The series is over.  There’s nothing left for us to spoil.  […] […]


  59. I can’t even count the ways this post made me ROFL. I consider it your best one. I actually built a lot of laughter tension because I didn’t want people to ask me what was it I was laughing about and why I wasn’t working seriously, but I just cracked on the line “Um, did he just call him a piece of [blank]?”

    Your 5/15 theory is awesome, too. So long, and thanks for all the LOLs.


  60. Posted by hrmmm on May 27, 2010 at 1:40 am

    “I can’t even imagine what’s been going on down there.”

    That’s what she said.


  61. Posted by Carla C on May 27, 2010 at 8:21 am

    Thank you for ignoring all of these people who suggest that you watch LOST backwards WTF? It was kinda easy to only watch the last season and not be completely lost as to what is going on but to watch it backwards would be very confusing. If you have the time to invest and since you actually enjoyed the finale you should watch the series from episode one to the end. You will realize what questions have been answered and what questions were not. Anyway, I definitely enjoyed your take on this series and think that you are truly talented to make so many people laugh.


  62. Posted by annina22363 on May 27, 2010 at 10:13 am

    Well, 24 could be an idea to post about… has the latest/last season already been aired over there?
    Not here, it will be soon aired and my husband and I would really appreciate your intervention there…

    Your announced public reading sees me in a light difficulty to attend… by this a mean that a filming and uploading of it would make us absolutely happy.



  63. Posted by dgrant on May 27, 2010 at 11:59 am

    Clearly the spin-off of all spin-offs to this island finale came about because of the time slip back to the 70’s, and its Called Fantasy Island – check it out – Hurley and Ben head back to Dharmaville and rehab some condo’s, while Dez – locked out of this relationship (and not loosing sleep over it) goes and gets the sailboat and heads off to do publicity. Meanwhile, Sea pilot, now out of a job, again, takes up flying a seaplane, while Dez lines up suckers, and on the island Hurley goes on a Jenny Craig binge, and Ben falls into a pool of glowing water at the temple, while scrounging some building materials, and is SHRUNK. Talk about prefigurement, or predictions of the future, or…something. And in a major prefigurement, clapped out TV actors of the 70’s return to the site of their greatest triumph and syndication checks, and then live happily ever after. Weekends, Ben washes the sheets as penance for his previous life of sin, and Hurley practices how to be cool and awesome like Sawyer.


  64. Posted by Chris on May 27, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    So it’s all over now? But. . . this blog has been my life this last few months. Thanks for being so durn funny.


  65. Posted by Eric on May 27, 2010 at 2:55 pm

    Thanks for writing these – I had a blast reading your entries after every episode! Such an awesome sense of humor. Until next time…(hopefully).


  66. While I’m sure they’re rhetorical, here’s my responses to your bulletpoints:

    * Mrs Widmore (or Ms Eloise Hawking) knew it all as Daniel went back in time with a notebook explaining *EVERYTHING* just before the timeline split in two – so she knows EVERYTHING in ANY timeline. Think Back To The Future pt 2 and the Sports Almanac.
    * No idea what happens to those that die in purgatory. Watch “Wrist Cutters”. It’s a movie with a similar motif.
    * They did. Long story short, they are a maths equation for extending life. So the physics theory behind this purgatory thing.
    * I wish I coulda been the guy to test this theory. I may re-watch the whole series using your 5/15 method 😉
    * The only real threats to the Island were the ones the Island’s “protectors” made because they got bored. Hurley had Ben, Rose, Bernard and Vincent, so he won’t get bored any time soon.
    * Yeah, this season was a doddle really, once you got halfway through the series. Would have been far more interesting to see you follow Season 5, or 4, but a heck of a lot less funny I think 🙂 you should watch the Seasons in reverse order – do 5 next, then 4, 3, 2, 1?


  67. Also, if any of you have 5 minutes, please take part in the Finale 4 Questions 🙂


  68. Thank so much for doing this! It was so entertaining. I looked forward to it almost as much as I looked forward to the show itself. I can barely think of the smoke monster without “Sad Day Monster” (best title for a character ever) sticking in my head.

    I love that you seem to have gotten it and appreciated it over the season. I don’t believe you saw it before (maybe an ep or two, but whatever). People seem to think that Lost is so impossibly complex that you couldn’t possibly pick up what you did without seeing the show. Not true.

    Not sure I got all the references on your Lost Sistine Chapel, but I think the drawing of Ricardo riding a horse should be in the Louvre.

    Anyway, thanks again.


  69. Posted by NeedMoreNeverSeenLost on May 27, 2010 at 11:05 pm

    Please do “Never Seen Lost” for the rest of the series. Assuming you can forget the recap show, it’d be awesome to see your reactions to stuff way back in Season 1 and 2 (Michael? Anna Lucia? Hatch? Time Travel?). Please keep this blog going, it’s way too much fun to end and there’s a lot more Lost (over 100 episodes) for you to watch.


    • Posted by NeedMoreNeverSeenLost on May 27, 2010 at 11:06 pm

      I like the idea of watching the seasons backwards, but here’s an even better idea: do it in random, nonsense order! My vote is go Season 2, Season 4, Season 1, Season 5, Season 3. That would rule!


  70. Posted by For Hume The Bell Tolls on May 27, 2010 at 11:58 pm

    Awesome experiment.
    You have no idea how much awesome stuff you missed in the earlier seasons.
    Hopefully you start over at episode 1 and find it as jaw-dropping as it was way back then.


  71. This is the perfect ending to Lost. Will you do one for any other tv series? BSG, for example.
    Can’t wait for the ‘outroduction’…wow I will miss this blog. 🙂 the only website that made me laugh when Jin and Sun died. …COMMERCIAL BREAK! lol
    You did very well for two and a half hours. How long did this post take you? I anxiously await your reply.


  72. Just a note that next season is the final one for Smallville (and quite likely for Supernatural as well). They’ll both be on the same night (Fridays) back-to-back. You might want to review one or both of those shows.


  73. I hope this blog gets archived in The Library of Congress.

    Like the series itself this blog will be missed.


  74. Posted by NeverReadNeverSeenLost on May 29, 2010 at 11:35 pm

    Fantastic stuff. I just found your page after a late listening to Radio Askew, and am looking forward to catching up with the whole blog.


  75. Posted by phantomspacecop on May 30, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    “Miles and Ricardo are nowhere in sight. My guess is that they had much cooler times than the time they spent on the island. They’re at some church across town with cool people.”

    I like this theory. Going with it for all the characters that didn’t make it into the lame Jack church.

    I’ve honestly loved reading this blog more than watching the show. Lost makes so much more sense when seen from a flippant, sarcastic perspective. I shudder to think I ever took the show seriously at all. You rock dude/ette. May I suggest doing recaps of V next? It’s sure to be a scream assuming it gets any better/worse.


  76. Posted by Betsy on May 30, 2010 at 9:48 pm

    I enjoyed your blog so much- do let us know your next blog. I only watched the first and last season- and like you said, extrapolating, those are the only seasons I need to see. I loved the finale, but cringed and hated every other episode – but you made it all worthwhile! I think they all died in the plane crash, and the island and future events were “pergatory” where their souls needed to sort out who they were, resolve issues, do what they always wanted or needed to do, to forgive others…what are other people saying?


  77. Posted by tvmovielover on June 1, 2010 at 5:28 am

    I really enjoyed following this blog during this good but not as satisfying as it might have been final season of Lost. I do hope you will recap another final season and this time maybe it will be a show that I do not watch so that I can look at it like you do. Please do add an outroduction to finish it properly.


  78. Posted by Aubrey on June 1, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    I would just like to thank you for making this last season of Lost even more special for me. Your blog became apart of my weekly experience and you’ve made me laugh so much all season! Thank you so much! 😀


  79. i’ve been putting off reading this last post b/c it makes the lost experience final. 😦 for me, lost is as good as entertainment in any form can get, but i have to say watching you poke fun at it every week has been a pleasure! your unique perspective offered so many laughs. most memorably: 1) “at least he’s not Stalin.” omg still makes me laugh. 2) all your high fives with miles. 3) jin & sun naming their daughter Jihad. just. wow. 4) you shaking your head slowly to all the subtle and mostly not so subtle digs at hurley’s weight.

    i am going to miss this!!! thanks for sticking it out, and if you do go back and watch the whole series, i hope you enjoy it.

    see you in another life brutha!


  80. Posted by Alex Trebek on June 2, 2010 at 8:01 am

    I’m still calling shenanigans. You recognized Jack’s father, and you knew the numbers were significant.

    Still a damn funny blog. Thanks for an amusing few months.


    • It’s still funny to me that people think this is fake. Oh well. Glad I could entertain you. If you bring a bible and a bailiff I will swear on it that I have never watched an episode before this season.


      • Posted by Alex Trebek on June 3, 2010 at 7:09 am

        Well, the most damning thing was the removal of the golf course from the picture in week 13. I’m really not sure why that was done without at least reading the comments.

        Regardless, it’s been a very funny blog. Very little of the humor had to do with whether you really hadn’t watched it, so it doesn’t affect it much either way. We all want to high-five Miles (if this spawns any lasting memes, it’s that), and I’m looking forward to the outro. I’d probably even read any further analysis you decide to do.


        • I didn’t remove it. I put a note in there. I have friends who love Lost. The first thing they said to me was that they actually played golf in the first season.

          Wait a minute, why am I debating you in the comments?


          • Posted by Alex Trebek on June 4, 2010 at 10:10 am

            I don’t mean to debate you. There’s nothing to debate; you know what’s true, I don’t and can’t. I don’t even mean to give you grief. But I can explain why some doubt remains over the premise (I’m not sure what you mean when you say you didn’t remove the golf thing. Where’d it go? There’s no caption now, did it get busted?).

          • Posted by Alex Trebek on June 4, 2010 at 9:23 pm

            The caption is there now. Cool.

    • Maybe he “recognized” Jack’s father when Jack said, in utter surprise, “DAD?!”

      That kinda gave it away, ya think?


  81. Posted by Jake Shepard on June 2, 2010 at 2:57 pm

    I can’t even imagine you doing any other shows besides LOST lol.

    I think you should do S1 now or something like that, you said that the recap kinda made you wanna watch the earlier episodes, and I think you should, S1


  82. Posted by Jake Shepard on June 2, 2010 at 2:58 pm

    I can’t even imagine you doing any other shows besides LOST lol.

    I think you should do S1 now or something like that, you said that the recap kinda made you wanna watch the earlier episodes, and I think you should, S1 and S6 are very different from eachother so I don’t think you’ll get bored.


  83. Posted by Aubrey on June 2, 2010 at 2:58 pm

    Where is the outroduction!!!??!!


  84. Posted by EddieW on June 2, 2010 at 9:35 pm

    Nice work. Do you do the drawings yourself or maybe a gf/wife/friend does them?

    I look forward to Never Seen Fringe or Never Seen Chuck. Hint hint.


  85. Posted by Betsy on June 2, 2010 at 11:00 pm

    My favorite – the picture of the baby on the doorstep, problem solved, wipes hands of dust. Followed by- the list of names, including “anyone but Jack”. Hilarious!


  86. Posted by sammmmm on June 3, 2010 at 10:43 am

    Can I suggest that you make a slideshow tribute for every dead character in the Outroduction as Toga’s was really funny 🙂 I love the blog and I’m from the Uk and loads of people read here too and I really hope you do other series as all the posts have been great!


  87. Posted by Liz Antin on June 3, 2010 at 10:21 pm

    Outroduction! 😀


  88. Hi Everyone. I promise the outroduction is coming. Some things are taking longer than I thought they would.


    • Posted by smog_monster on June 5, 2010 at 3:50 pm

      No problem. We’re looking forward to it. I hope you go back and just watch Lost from the beginning and enjoy it properly. Season 6 was fun, but the rest of the series (especially the first 4 seasons) was in a class all by itself. You will be shocked at how different it is from the final season.


  89. Posted by Liz Antin on June 4, 2010 at 8:42 am

    No pressure… do your normal fabulous stuff. We just miss you so much!!!


  90. Posted by Betsy on June 6, 2010 at 5:49 pm

    Just needing to share again with my fellow neverseenlosties- currently chuckling about Hugo ordering baja fresh from the ocean.


  91. So are you doing anything else or is this the end completely? I’d love to read more from you, it was great to see this all season long. Very entertaining.


  92. Posted by Carly on June 9, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    Hi. Long time reader, first time poster.

    This blog was more awesome than Miles, Sawyer, and Ricardo put together! (a.k.a. Team Awesome)

    Condom Drug Hobbit (CDH) is by far the best term ever. Ev. Er.

    Thank you for all the giggles.


  93. Posted by beema on June 9, 2010 at 9:01 pm

    Solid finale recap! Thankyou for all your work 🙂 I can’t believe I forgot to check this blog after the finale! I was so caught up in post-Lost malaise that it slipped my mind 😦

    you caught pretty much everything I thought about, although I’m surprised you didn’t comment on Jack surviving an 8″ knife stab to the abdomen for several hours.

    Good quotes:

    “The series really wraps up in Snoozeville. Who knew this show about the island was actually about LA and took 6 seasons to set up a 10 minute sequence.”

    Thank you! This, more than any other issue with the show, is what ticked me off the most about the end.

    “Miles and Ricardo are nowhere in sight. My guess is that they had much cooler times than the time they spent on the island. They’re at some church across town with cool people.”

    hehe, so glad you closed it with this, a nice laugh to counteract all the bittersweet or angry or depressive emotions.


  94. Posted by Ale Gorney on July 3, 2010 at 4:31 pm

    You should insert this short video into your blog post where Jack meets up with Locke on the cliff lol


  95. Posted by LOST LUVA on January 8, 2011 at 12:30 am

    Hahaha I haven’t read this thing in like half a year. I watched the epilogue yesterday and then I was like I have to read the final ep from YOUR point of view. It was the most funniest shit ever.
    Did you just call Boone (Ian Somerhalder) Clark Kent from Smallville? Well in fact, Ian Somerhalder literally was on the show Smallville for like 4 eps. Boone… the ultra Clark Kent. WTF. You haven’t watched season 1 so you don’t know what happened to BOONE! Or Shannon (blonde chick Sayid maked out wid). Boone and Shannon r half brother and sis and both of them just got kicked out from the show. Both died. Well at least Boone got a fancy new job on The Vampire Diaries.
    Seriously? Sayid and Shannon High School lovers? Buahahaha far from that. Blonde chick’s killer just happened to have blow up in season 6.
    Condom Drug Hobbit? Charlie played Merry from LOTR. And Charlie is from season 3.
    One big cast.
    Yes I noticed the mistake of Kate jumping HEAD FIRST off a cliff! And not breaking her head! Some acting…
    Dogs name VINCENT! And he just HAPPENED to have been on the first ep where Jack woke up. The show like ened 100% opposite to how it began.
    If you ever end up watching the first season, I hope you post it like this. It would be so epic.
    I’m gonna miss your utter cluelessness to the cast and the show. You made me Lost Life epic. =)


  96. Posted by Betsy on March 2, 2011 at 10:57 am

    I am also named Betsy.


  97. Glad you enjoyed the show. I have just written a piece about LOST on my blog.




  98. Posted by Kathleen on April 12, 2012 at 10:21 pm

    Have you all seen that a few LOST cast members are going to be in a movie released TOMORROW? Blue Like Jazz was a New York Times Best Seller and was a really great book! The movie is supposed to be AMAZING!

    LOST cast members in Blue Like Jazz: Tania Raymonde, who played Alex Rousseau (Ben’s daughter) and Eric Lange( Stuart Radzinsky…a member of the DHARMA Initiative who worked at the Flame station in 1977 as Head of Research… who committed suicide).

    Oh how I miss LOST! I wish we could just start all over again at the (first) plane crash!

    To find out more, go to http://www.bluelikejazzthemovie.com


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