Episode 9 of the Final Season of LOST

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!  If you have not seen the latest episode of Lost you are all at once missing out and missing nothing.  And you should not read this until you check that thing out because I am going to talk about it. That’s the point of this webternet site.

With a cover like that, how can you not read "Amor en la Isla de la Meurta".

I tell you what.  This is my favorite episode so far.  One plot line.  Not a lot happening.  Veeeery straightforward.  Sign me up for more of these.  Now, of course, the downside is since we didn’t get much done this hour we’re in for more ultra plot packed episodes in the future.  Sigh.

While we’re fist bumping the writers, they had a real nice recovery from last week’s misogyny episode.  This episode was clearly for the ladies.  It was like reading a Harlequin romance novel that had all the intimate parts edited out so it could be put in the school library.  Plus, no women were harmed in the making of this episode.  Good work, fellas. Unless this was a work of fan fiction.  Which I’m not entirely convinced it was not.  Eesh, that was a lot of negatives.

I’m gonna call Richard by the name he deserves, Ricardo.  Seems more fitting.  So without further ado, Ricardo’s episode; entitled, Amor en la Isla de la Muerta.

Overall What is Happening

Pretty simple stuff.  Ricardo has been alive since 1867.  The island is the cork on a bottle of evil wine.  Hurley is the grown up version of the kid from the Sixth Sense.

It’s kind of sad that that is considered simple.

More Detailed Episode Recap

We start with a lady with a seriously bandaged up face in a dank, rundown hospital.  Jacob walks up to her and starts speaking German.  Ouch for the German health care system.  I always thought the Germans were an efficient and hardworking people.  Apparently not.  Turns out Bandage Face is Illana.  She needs to protect 6 people.  She needs to protect the last of the candi-

We’re back on the island!  -dates.  Jack asks “candidates for what?”  Christ, Jack, how many times do we have to cover this?  I can remember 3 specific instances where someone explained to you that Jacob needs someone to take over protecting the island.  You should know this by now. Wake up.

You had no idea this whole blog was powered by a giant switch, did you?

Illana explains it to him, and says Ricardo will know what to do next.  Ricardo giggles.  No one else follows suit.  Apparently that is not what they were supposed to do next.  Ricardo seems surprised that Jack and Hurley didn’t tell them he tried to commit suicide.  I dunno, that seems pretty personal.  Ricardo says he will tell Jack a secret.  That he’s an idiot?  Nope.  That he is dead.  That they’re all dead.  And this is hell. Ooooooooooooooooh.  So that’s what this show is about.  Got it.  Guess we might as well shut this thing down.  It’s been fun.  Don’t worry, I’ll get the switch.  Wait, they’re still talking.  Oh, apparently there is more.

Someone proposes they stop listening to Jack and start listening to someone else.  That is honestly the best idea I have ever heard.  In fact, I would have proposed it as soon as he pitched the idea of detonating a nuke on a small island I was standing on.

Ricardo starts walking away.  They think they should go after him because he knows what to do next.  Jack gets all defensive and points out that Ricardo has lost his mind and thinks we’re all in hell.  I hope he is right that this is hell.  If the worst I can do in the afterlife is be on a tropical island with booze and some lady folk, then I might start sinning some more.  Doesn’t seem too shabby.  Heaven must be similar but you live on an ice cream sundae.

Meanwhile, Hurley is trying to order some Baja Fresh from the ocean and it isn’t going well.  Jack approaches him and asks what he is doing.  Hurley sez none of your beezwax.  Jack asks what Jacob is telling him.  Hurley lets him know he isn’t talking to Jacob and is has nothing to do with him.  Leave him alone.

Ben Killjoy pops in and says there is no reason to go after Ricardo.  They’ve known each other since he was 12.  And Richard hasn’t aged since.  Lucky for us.

Now that we got the obligatory 5 minutes of what is happening on the island out of the way, we get to watch Ricardo ride a horse and listen to the sound of 200,000 women all simultaneously high fiving each other.

Ricardo’s wife (Isabella) has a fever.  She coughs up some ketchup so Ricardo says he will go get the doctor.  Hopefully not Jack.  She gives him a necklace to give to the doctor.  She says “close your eyes and we’ll always be together.”  Except when you leave in 2 minutes.

The rider on the storm gets to Dr. Chickenwing’s house where, as his name might suggest, he is takin down some chicken wings.  He tells his Mutton Chop Butler to go get some blankets because Ricardo is soaking wet (easy, ladies).  The doctor asks how much money Ricardo has.  He starts handing the doctor a bunch of stuff until he hits a point where he says “now you have everything”.  He doesn’t have the love between you and Isabella, Ricardo.  He can never have that.  Dr. Chickenwing says that all the gold is nothing and he won’t help.  Quick, Ricardo, give him the love between you and Isabella!  I’m suspicious that whoever is behind this episode is in support of our new health care system.  And hates the Germans’.

Ricardo gets frustrated and starts rasslin with the doctor until the doc falls and hits his head on the table.  And here is a flaw with being the only doctor in town.  Now who’s gonna save him?  Ricardo makes a run for it while Mutton Chop Butler just watches him run right by.  What a terrible butler.  Ricardo gets back home and Isabella is dead already.  Oops.  Shouldn’t have stopped at that Arby’s on the way.  Some constables arrest Ricardo.

Ricardo is relaxing in the clink when Seedy Priest enters.  Ricardo has been teaching himself English by reading the Bible.  Good for him.  Learning a language isn’t easy.  Well, says Seedy Priest, it’s confession time.  Ricardo confesses murdering Dr. Chickenwing and asks for forgiveness. Seedy Priest says no.  BOOM!  Wait… I don’t think you can do that.  Granted, I’m a little rusty on my confession knowledge, but after 16 years in Catholic School I am pretty sure that genuine remorse is what you really need for forgiveness from God.  Seedy priest really needs to brush up.  He also says there is no time for penance cuz he’s aboutta get huuuung. This priest sucks.

On the way to the ropes, Seedy Priest and some dude are there waiting for Ricardo.  The dude asks if Ricardo speaka da english and Ricardo stares at him like he’s looking for a contact lens on his forehead.  This guy loses his patience and says hang him.  Ricardo speaks something akin to English, but it is barely understandable.  Hopefully, assimilationists in this country don’t see this episode and think that threatening hanging will get people to start speaking English instantly.  The Dude informs Ricardo that he is now property of Magnus Handsome (has to be a fake name).

We’re on a boat (on a boat) in the middle of a storm.  There’s some huuuuuge waves.  Ricardo and some other guys are chained up below.  The amount of space he has makes this seem like a Carnival cruise compared to the slave boats I learned about in middle school.  Ricardo asks his Buddy if he can see anything.  Out of nowhere Buddy ruins the surprise and says the devil is guarding the island.  At least I put a spoiler alert every week.  Then we have a case of the uh-ohs and the boat goes smack into an ancient Egyptian statue (how’d it get there?).

Hey!  This is the boat from a couple episodes ago!  When Ricardo tried to blow himself up.  Wait, why did they have dynamite on a slave ship?  And how is it still working after 140 years?  And how is the boat not more decayed after 140 years?  I thought we were supposed to be getting answers this season.  Now I just have more questions.

Regardless, slave nap time ends and everyone pops up expecting milk and cookies.  We hear that Captain Handsome has died and they are stranded in the middle of nowhere.  One of the surviving crew members does the only sensible thing.  He starts offing slaves.  I don’t usually condone murder, but this guy does have a good point.  Although, he could do something more quick and painless than stabbing people in the gut.  As seems to be the case for all deaths in this show, now they have to die the most slow, agonizing death possible.  Of course all the slaves did the high school theatre move of instantly dying.

Just before giving Ricardo the ol’ non-consensual stabbing, there is some clattering up top.  Other colonials start vanishing left and right.  Some red paint falls on the Stabbers head and then Sad Day Monster comes in and destroys him.  Sad Day Monster then slowly descends the stairs and has a bad case of the tummy gurgles.  Get some Pepto, Sad Day Monster.  He approaches Ricardo, takes some flash photography then hits the bricks.

For what feels like an eternity we watch Ricardo try to escape from his chains.  Sad Day Monster rains (I hope that was rain) on him a bit.  Ricardo takes a nap.  I try to keep this g rated, so I will tread lightly.  When he wakes up there is a pig with his head buried in the crotch of one of the slaves.  Not sure what it is doing, but too bad for the slave he is dead.

Isabella shows up.  She informs Ricardo they are dead.  And in hell.  They hear some noises, Ricardo tells her to go away.  She gets beat up.  I forgot about this part.  Maybe I jumped the gun on the no women were harmed in this episode thing above.  She is a ghost though, so we’ll let it ride.

Some really modern looking dude comes in and gets Ricardo some water.  He claims he has her and will give her back if he helps him out.  Ricardo agrees.  Modern Guy says the only way to escape hell is to kill the devil. Wonder why nobody has tried that yet.

While Ricardo nom nom noms on some bacon, Modern Guy tells him that there is a statue on the other side of the island and that is where the devil is.  I decided to take a break from a devil is in the details comment this week.  Modern Guy takes out a knife and goes through the instructions on how to kill Jacob.  He needs to stab him in the chest and not let him talk.  I remember when Toga gave that explanation.  Oh Toga, how I miss you.

Sad Day Monster is so much kewler than Black Smoke and he knows it.

Modern Guy explains that he is the black smoke (the what? Oh, you mean Sad Day Monster).  That he does not have Isabella but the devil does.  He took his body, his humanity.  He asks Ricardo if he ever wants to see his wife again.  He shrugs and says sure.  Time for some murderin.

Ricardo gets to the beach and… wait a minute… I think that is the foot from the intro to the first episode that got all the way to the bottom of the ocean!  How’d it get there?  While I was trying to figure this out Ricardo promptly gets the hell beaten out of him.  Ricardo asks Jacob where his wife is.  He then admits she is dead.  Jacob asks them why he is asking where his wife is then.  Man, Ricardo must feel like an idiot.  It doesn’t stop there.  When Ricardo admits that he thinks he is dead, Jacob goes high school bully on him and starts dunking his head in the water and yelling “you want to be dead?”  Ricardo says he wants to live and Jacob throws him back on the beach and tells him that is the most sensible thing he has said all day.  Ouch.  Not a feel good day for Ricardo.

Jacob tells Ricardo they need to talk and grabs some wine.  Ricardo asks if he can go in.  Jacob says no one comes in unless I invite them.  Then there is a little pause with a stare.  We’re still talking about your house, right Jacob?

Jacob admits he brought Ricardo’s boat here.  He starts explaining how the wine is evil (but delicious) and swirling around trying to escape the bottle.  The cork is the only thing that keeps it where it belongs and this island is the cork.  Thank God he had that wine laying around otherwise I don’t know how he would have described that.  It’s probably just demonstration wine.  The Modern Guy and Jacob are in a chess match where they are trying to prove people are good or evil.  Like a high stakes version of Trading Places.  Richard gets a gig as an intermediary between the two.  Jacob asks what he wants in return.  “I want Isabella back.” “No dice.” “I want my sins absolved.”  “Nuh uh.  No way.”  “I want to live forever.”  “Donezo.”  What?  Is there a menu he can choose from?  He might be leaving a lot of good stuff behind door #3.

Ricardo goes back to Modern Guy and hands him a white rock.  OMGZ! I think that is the rock that Sad Day Monster threw into the ocean a few episodes ago and said it was an inside joke.  If that’s the case, then these writers need to work on the order that inside jokes occur.  It’s hard to reference an inside joke that hasn’t happened.  Modern Guy says that he will never see his wife again if he goes with Jacob.  But his offer still stands in case he ever changes his mind.  Not a good negotiating tactic.  Usually you want to offer as little time as possible.  That’s how I ended up with my Magic Bullet.  Modern Guy hands him Isabella’s necklace then disappears.  Ricardo then… buries it?  I don’t know, buddy, you should probably hang on to that.

Back to the boring island, Ricardo goes to the same spot and digs up the necklace.  Wow.  I’m amazed that after 140 years a necklace has remained buried under 4 inches of mulch in the same spot on a tropical island that no doubt has some vicious storms, like the one that brought the boat there in the first place.  These writers love cashing in their credibility chips on some minor things.  Ricardo begins screaming that he wants to take the offer and wants to know if the offer still stands.

Hurley comes rumblin through the woods to ask what offer.  Ricardo is all upset that he followed him.  Hurley says that Isabella sent him to follow Ricardo and she wants to know why he buried her necklace.  Yeah, me too.  Hurley tells Ricardo she is standing right next to him and that he will tell Ricardo what she says.  We see her.  Woof.  Ricardo could have done a lot better. She tells him his English is magnificent in Spanish.  Hurley says “She says you’re English is awesome, dude.”  Well that’s great Hurley, let’s just undercut the beauty of what she said with your lazy American English.  She tells Ricardo to close his eyes and that it wasn’t his fault she died, it was her time. They have a nice moment while Hurley mouth-breaths ten feet away.  I think it’s about time to nickname Hurley “Tricycle” since he is always the third wheel.

She disappears and Hurley says there was one more thing.  Ricardo has to keep the men in black from leaving the island, otherwise they go to hell.  Zoom out. Looooooooooooocke.  The End.

Wait.  It’s not over?  That was a perfect ending.  Alright, I guess we have Jacob and Modern Guy talking in the past.  Modern Guy admits he wants to kill Jacob so he can leave the island, but Jacob won’t let him do that.  Jacob says, here’s something to pass the time and hands him wine.  This is how alcoholism happens, Jacob.  Modern Guy decides to instead pass his time with an obvious metaphor and smashes the bottle on a log.  Oooooooooh.  I get it.

Thoughts I have

  • The guy who plays Ricardo is a really good actor.
  • I’m getting some of the references and jokes within this season!  I feel like a Losty!  That’s what you call someone who likes Lost, right?  A Losty?  Am I spelling it right?
  • That foot in the ocean had the lamest payout I have ever encountered.  That thing better come back and mean something.

The inscription loosely translates to "needless".


121 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Jim on March 24, 2010 at 1:01 pm

    I’ve been waiting all day for this… glorious!

    Reply

  2. Posted by Aaron on March 24, 2010 at 1:08 pm

    love it.

    Reply

  3. Posted by eman on March 24, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    seriously? no comment about Ricardo’s eyeliner?

    Reply

  4. Posted by just saying on March 24, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    I’m just splittin’ a gut here! I totally LedOL. As a woman, you’re right, I loved this episode of “Amor en la Isla de la Muerta.” I admit I swooned a bit. It was all so enjoyable. As was your recap. One of my favorite things to look forward to each week.

    Reply

  5. Posted by Suzy on March 24, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    YES!! This blog is like crack rock for me! But WTF? No mention of the guyliner?

    Reply

  6. Posted by Rachel on March 24, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    I think this was your best recap yet! After this season, maybe you should try watching Season 5, then 4, etc. It’d be interesting to get your perspective of the show like that.

    Reply

    • I agree. Watching the series in reverse order might be hilarious (and oddly insightful).

      LOVE your blog – thanks for sharing your idea. In SEVERAL ways you “hit” things far closer than you know! (I STILL LOL over your description of Kate from a few episodes ago – you pegged her character!).

      Reply

  7. Posted by Allison on March 24, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    yes! i’ve been looking forward to this all day – i was laughing out loud the entire time when i read it. in fact, each week into the season (since I discovered this fab blog) I look more forward to this posting about the show, rather than the actual show itself. please, please, please find another topic to write about after the show is over!!!!!!

    Reply

  8. Posted by buzzkillcinema on March 24, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    This is brilliant, as usual. This was one of my favorite episodes of the entire series, definitely of the season. I’m glad you thought the same thing too. And the Black Smoke has got nothin on Sad Day Monster! :)

    Reply

  9. Posted by Daniel on March 24, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    I always read these thinking, “If he only knew”.

    Keep ‘em coming!

    Reply

  10. Posted by Esther on March 24, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    Awww you are becoming a losty! :) Your spelling is always right. Keep in mind that you have never seen lost, so that’s the beauty of your posts.

    I love your drawings! (and Sad Day Monster) and I miss Toga too :(

    Reply

  11. Handsome! Clearly a fake name.

    Please, please, please, don’t EVER throw the big switch.

    Reply

  12. Posted by drtongue96 on March 24, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    I think after 9 episodes you’re finally catching on and getting to know the characters. Therefore in some ways your blog is getting a little better as I think you will figure it all out before it’s over, whereas the rest of us who have been watching from the beginning have a lot of info (too much) to refer back to.

    Anyways, congrats on good post, and I do hope you go back and watch the entire series IN ORDER one day, and I think you’ll be very happy, and pleased with your job on this blog, especially when you get to Season 6.

    Reply

  13. Posted by crissy on March 24, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    this blog is seriously some of the funniest shiz i have ever read-love it!! I look forward to it every week!!

    Reply

  14. I lost it with Magnus Handsome. AHAHHAHAHAHAH! And glad you loved this episode. Pretty much every Lost fan I’ve encountered loved it too.

    Reply

  15. Posted by anonymous coward on March 24, 2010 at 1:38 pm

    That wasn’t German…

    Reply

    • Posted by Goof on March 24, 2010 at 2:21 pm

      Yeah I kept thinking it was Russian. But I really don’t know for sure.

      Reply

      • Posted by vali1005 on March 25, 2010 at 12:11 pm

        It’s Russian, but it’s spoken with a heavy American accent, seeing as how both actors are not Russians.
        More specifically, it sounds like the kind of Russian one speaks when they have memorized the words, without knowing what they mean.

        Reply

  16. Posted by Larry on March 24, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    Magnus Handsome…LOL!

    My current Facebook status is….
    Best quote I’ve seen regarding last night’s Lost: “Now that we got the obligatory 5 minutes of what is happening on the island out of the way, we get to watch Ricardo ride a horse and listen to the sound of 200,000 women all simultaneously high fiving each other.”

    Reply

  17. Posted by Abby on March 24, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    my friend and i read it at work and then we email each other the lines we think are funniest. love the “new health care plan” insert

    Reply

  18. Y’know, I think I’m gonna stop watching the show and just reading your recaps. They’re much more entertaining! ^_^ O:)

    Reply

  19. Posted by Patrick on March 24, 2010 at 1:59 pm

    Sad day monster….don’t know why but that is dam funny.

    Reply

  20. i seriously look forward to this every week. love it love it love it love it.

    Reply

  21. Posted by Sawyersgal on March 24, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    Awesome recap, as usual! My fellow fans are giving me odd looks now ehen I refer to the smoke thing as the sad day monster, but I don’t mind ;)

    Ps: It’s Losties, not Lostys…but you were close!

    Reply

  22. Posted by Michele on March 24, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    I also feel betrayed by the Magic Bullet, and could not agree more about Hurley.

    Reply

  23. Posted by Leslie on March 24, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    “We’re on a boat (on a boat) in the middle of a storm.”
    Where’s T-Pain when you need him? Lol.

    Your recaps are fantastic. I read them every week. Keep it up.

    Reply

  24. Posted by Beckster on March 24, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    Warning to everyone: Never drink anything while reading this blog. I honestly spit water all over my monitor as soon as I came across “Magnus Handsome.”

    Reply

    • Posted by ILU on March 24, 2010 at 2:40 pm

      “I think it’s about time to nickname Hurley “Tricycle” since he is always the third wheel.”

      lolololol

      Reply

  25. Posted by Mr Miyagi on March 24, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    Hey! This is the boat from a couple episodes ago! When Ricardo tried to blow himself up. Wait, why did they have dynamite on a slave ship? And how is it still working after 140 years? And how is the boat not more decayed after 140 years? I thought we were supposed to be getting answers this season. Now I just have more questions.

    You are truly one of us now, grasshopper.

    Reply

    • lol, yup.

      Reply

    • Posted by DarthBen on March 26, 2010 at 12:48 am

      Well, that’s a valid question if you haven’t seen the show… on the other hand if you have seen it, you should know that that dynamite was not on a slave ship and is not 140 years old ;)
      Do you remember Rousseau in the ’80s?

      Reply

    • Posted by Margaret on March 26, 2010 at 10:46 am

      Indeed. NOW you are getting it. There are a LOT of Losties who think “all questions will be answered” this season.

      I have a feeling the writers have something else in mind.

      Reply

  26. Ifound your blog recently and now look forward to reading it every week. As I watched Jack ask a lot of dumb questions that everyone knew the answer to, but him, I couldn’t help but think that he’s really bad at keepin up. I have to agree with you that this was the best episode of the season. I love that you kept Ricardo’s original name, it totally suits him.

    Reply

  27. Posted by BT on March 24, 2010 at 2:49 pm

    MMMmmmm there are a couple of lines on your text that got me thinking you´ve been a LOST fan all along. Stiff a fan read, tho.

    Reply

  28. Posted by BT on March 24, 2010 at 2:50 pm

    Fun, fun read >_<

    Reply

  29. Posted by BT on March 24, 2010 at 2:50 pm

    Stiff a fun read.

    God, I swear, I´m not drunk.

    Reply

  30. Posted by Dani on March 24, 2010 at 2:50 pm

    Lost is full of inside jokes. But for you, if you ever watch the rest of Lost, these inside jokes will occur in the wrong order :)

    Doesn’t matter, though, because the way you describe them is still glorious. Keep up the great work!

    Reply

  31. Posted by JR on March 24, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    This was my favorite episode from this season…probably the last three seasons, and this post was even better!

    Reply

  32. Posted by Amy on March 24, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    I LOLed several times reading this. You crack me up. LOVE it…keep em coming!

    Reply

  33. Posted by DS on March 24, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    “When he wakes up there is a pig with his head buried in the crotch of one of the slaves. Not sure what it is doing, but too bad for the slave he is dead.”

    Oh, Dude! Can’t believe you actually went there!!

    But, speaking of dead slaves’ laps…did you notice that after the Man in Black / Sad Day Monster freed Ricardo from the shackles, he collapsed in exhaustion…and his head landed on the lap of one of his deceased comrades? (Definitely was an EEEEEEWWWW moment for me!)

    Reply

  34. Magnus Handsome. LOL

    i believe its Lostie, btw

    Reply

  35. Posted by helene c on March 24, 2010 at 3:41 pm

    Totally the best episode this season and maybe the best in six years, about time ‘Mister Eyeliner’ dishy Ricardo got his moment… Your post is hilarious !… Looking forward to the next one.

    Reply

  36. Posted by Zoe on March 24, 2010 at 3:46 pm

    STILL the thing on the whole internet and even TV that makes me laugh the most. Literal laughing. Unfortch for you, the big foot statue pay off was at the end of last season. But never know what’s still around the corner…

    Reply

  37. Posted by Grommel on March 24, 2010 at 4:02 pm

    That episode was a huge let down!

    Jacob and the Mib were good though. As was this recap again!

    Reply

  38. Posted by Rerun on March 24, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    Not as good as other recaps, but i think that’s because there was less back and forth confusion. Still made me LOL. No ability for Miles comments makes me the Sad Day Monster.

    Reply

  39. Posted by Captain Curmudgeon on March 24, 2010 at 4:14 pm

    Posted a link to here on Facebook for the other poor Losties who have had their minds muddled by the previous five seasons. You have that considerable advantage, my friend, missing that.

    I think I may be responsible for the ship sailing in 1867 when everyone’s clothes and attitudes seem to belong more to 1767: back in season whatever, I posted about dynamite being patented in 1867 and how in the hell did it get on a slave ship two years after the civil war. Obviously the writers “fixed” that by delaying the ship a hundred years. Great fix, guys.

    Reply

  40. Posted by bubbers on March 24, 2010 at 5:06 pm

    “…while Hurley mouth-breaths ten feet away.”

    i lol’d

    Reply

  41. Posted by oldfarmer on March 24, 2010 at 5:52 pm

    OMG,This review was hilarious. I’m still laughing. And I’m still laughing at last week’s At least he’s not Stalin. Can’t wait for your next review.

    Reply

  42. Posted by Belica on March 24, 2010 at 6:06 pm

    “Hurley is trying to order some Baja Fresh from the ocean and it isn’t going well” In fact, that makes a lot more sense than “he is speaking with a long term dead spanish woman”.

    Ben Killjoy? Best portrait ever

    Reply

  43. Posted by Belica on March 24, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    And I’m sorry dude, but you are one of us now. I’m telling you as another “Losty”

    Reply

  44. Posted by ilasma on March 24, 2010 at 6:17 pm

    OMG you’re awesome! I seriously hope that, when season 6 is over, you’re going to watch the other 5 seasons backwards and give us other hilarious reviews!

    Reply

  45. Posted by Kate on March 24, 2010 at 6:17 pm

    Seriously people, I beg of you, please stop correcting things and providing background. The heart of the funny is the fact that he’s never seen the show; this unadulterated, uninformed take on the show is (at least for me, sadly) the best part of Wednesday, let’s not ruin it with knowledge. In this case, ignorance really leads to bliss for the rest of us. We all love this show for the detail, but frankly I don’t want him knowing anything, the less he knows, the funnier he is…

    Whoever you are, after the “Ballad of Said”, this is my favorite…followed closely by the episode which featured John Locke starring in his own Cialis commercial…

    When this show is over, I will mourn the loss of this blog more than I will mourn the loss of LOST…

    Reply

  46. Posted by Sarah K. on March 24, 2010 at 7:19 pm

    “He doesn’t have the love between you and Isabella, Ricardo. He can never have that. ” That made me LOL so hard. HILARIOUS.

    I’m still going back and forth on whether you actually have never seen Lost or not. Regardless you are hilarious.

    Reply

  47. Posted by philw1776 on March 24, 2010 at 7:22 pm

    So, Immigration Reform LOST style, threaten to hang ‘em untill they speak English. Well admitedly it would save on ESL costs.

    Reply

  48. Posted by April on March 24, 2010 at 8:53 pm

    I know where and when the dynomite came from! hahahaha and I ain’t gonna tell you…..(said in 5 year old sing song voice).

    Reply

  49. Posted by Resa12 on March 24, 2010 at 9:16 pm

    “jWeakack asks “candidates for what?”  Christ, Jack, how many times do we have to cover this?  I can remember 3 specific instances where someone explained to you that Jacob needs someone to take over protecting the island.  You should know this by now. Wake up.”
    OMG I lmfao. So good!! Cursing Jack for his inability to remember a basic plot point? You are in fact a losty!

    Reply

  50. Posted by Luke on March 24, 2010 at 9:37 pm

    Yeah I thought the guy who plays Richard, Nestor Carbonell, did amazing acting in this episode. Deserves an Emmy.

    Great review, you have truly become a Lostie! Can’t be a Lostie without questioning why the ship hasn’t decayed in 140 years, yet accept the fact there is a black smoke monster wanting to get off an island!

    Reply

  51. Posted by Bex on March 24, 2010 at 10:16 pm

    we get to watch Ricardo ride a horse and listen to the sound of 200,000 women all simultaneously high fiving each other.

    YES! That’s exactly what I wanted to do! My god, he is so hot.

    Reply

  52. Posted by Laura on March 24, 2010 at 10:19 pm

    “Someone proposes they stop listening to Jack and start listening to someone else. That is honestly the best idea I have ever heard. In fact, I would have proposed it as soon as he pitched the idea of detonating a nuke on a small island I was standing on.”

    THANK YOU.

    Reply

  53. Utterly brilliant!! Keep it up!

    Reply

  54. I LOVE your recaps. Awesome.

    Reply

  55. Posted by watched17times on March 25, 2010 at 12:28 am

    OMGZ!!!! LMAOROTF! I haven’t laughed this hard … ever… I don’t think. There is not one bit of mucus left in my allergy ridden lungs! Thanks for clearing me up! I laughed so hard that there was no sound coming out other than a wheezing that sounded like a old guy in need of an oxygen tank. Or.. remember that cartoon guy.. I think it was a dog… and he had this short sinister laugh that sounded like wheezing. Anyhoo…. I was starting to get a little disappointed that I didn’t get to see my regular faves this episode.. and some for a whole 50 seconds. It was worth it though.

    When I read that Hurley was ordering Baja Fresh from the Ocean… I completely lost control and it just got harder from there! I was actually worried that this episode would not lend itself to a good blog-isode, however, it is the funniest I have read thus far!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I cannot thank you enough, writer, for giving me a weekly dose of Laughter is the Best Medicine. It really is.. it cleared my sinuses and lungs clean out! All better now! OH.. one more thing… I thought I was done and then I saw the picture of the black smoke and the sad day rain cloud monster and the spelling “kewler” and LOST it all over again! I feel weak now.. rreeeeeaaaaly I do! and kinda dizzy. (OMG The doctor comment…”who is gonna save him?.. Hopefully not Jack” LOLZ… Stopping for Arby’s! Pig in the crotch, Sad Day Monster rained…. or at least I hope it was rain…. We can be together forever at least until you leave in 2 minutes. Good thing he had that wine to demonstrate.. demonstration wine! That’s how alcoholism starts, Jacob.. I gotta stop! Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply

  56. Posted by Shilpa on March 25, 2010 at 1:03 am

    I’ve been checking up on your site every 2 hours to see this week’s review! It was hilarious!! I can’t stop laughing!! There were some really really really funny lines in there. I’m gonna have to start compiling all of them. And Magnus Handsome. ROFL. It’s Hanso, actually.

    Thanks so much… Looking forward to next week… :D

    Reply

  57. Posted by ak on March 25, 2010 at 6:42 am

    hey, im from germany and jacob doesnt speak german in the beginning, its not even close to german..

    but still, great blog!!

    Reply

  58. [...] In the meantime, we’ll leave you with a blurb on Episode 9 from John’s blog, but check out the full synopsis on his site. [...]

    Reply

  59. Ha ha, this is great! We love your blog and posted it again on our site, http://officegrizzle.com/?p=1525
    Keep up the awesome work :)

    Reply

  60. Posted by Derek on March 25, 2010 at 7:38 am

    Now that we got the obligatory 5 minutes of what is happening on the island out of the way, we get to watch Ricardo ride a horse and listen to the sound of 200,000 women all simultaneously high fiving each other.

    Ha! When my wife and I saw that scene, I started going “I’m on a horse!” then she went “now there’s DIAMONDS!”

    Reply

  61. Posted by InLoveWithSG1 on March 25, 2010 at 8:24 am

    ” Ricardo confesses murdering Dr. Chickenwing and asks for forgiveness. Seedy Priest says no. BOOM! Wait… I don’t think you can do that. Granted, I’m a little rusty on my confession knowledge, but after 16 years in Catholic School I am pretty sure that genuine remorse is what you really need for forgiveness from God. Seedy priest really needs to brush up. He also says there is no time for penance cuz he’s aboutta get huuuung. This priest sucks.”

    Yeah i had the same thought. lol But i’m not catholic so i dont know. So at work the next day i asked a catholic lady. lol Nope i guess they cant do that…

    “This priest sucks.”

    Reply

    • Posted by Derek on March 25, 2010 at 9:46 am

      My thought was, wouldn’t a largely Catholic society like 19th century Spain have allowed prisoners to do penance before execution?

      Or would they want to carry out the execution before the prisoner could atone so they could be sure he went to hell?

      Reply

      • Posted by elsie on June 13, 2010 at 5:20 pm

        They would totally let him. I think that was the writers’ way of showing how FML’d Richard was before he met Jacob. The doctor who was supposed to save Isabella is a crook, even the priest who’s supposed to save his soul is a crook.

        Reply

  62. Posted by Amy on March 25, 2010 at 10:12 am

    Again, and again, and again you constantly amaze me with your writing and comic wit!
    Let us know if you decide to switch to another series after LOST is finished….cuz I’ll follow you to any network man!
    I only watch 2 shows—-GMA & LOST but I’ll start watching anything if YOU blog it!!
    p.s. I think there are a few people here commenting that are too “uptight with correct details”. Take it for what it is, sit back, enjoy, and laugh your @#$ off!

    Reply

  63. Posted by Diana on March 25, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    Truly hilarious. If you aren’t a stand up comedian, you should be.

    Reply

  64. Posted by Tatiana on March 25, 2010 at 2:17 pm

    Just for the record, Jacob’s speaking Russian, not German, at the beginning of the episode =) I’m Russian, I know =)

    Reply

  65. Posted by Maureen on March 25, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    I really look forward to this blog. However, I seriously doubt you haven’t seen Lost before. You “misread” words to be something humorous a little too often. Nevertheless it is really funny and I appreciate the work you put into it. Doing something like this every week is not easy.

    Reply

    • Posted by grimalkin on March 25, 2010 at 7:09 pm

      Amplifying the humor is not the same as falsifying the premise of this blog. He might have not heard Hanso correctly, and rather than spelling it out, decided to dub him “Handsome”, which sounds vaguely correct to boot. Sure, it’s a little exaggerated, but it doesn’t indicate that he’s watched the show before.

      Reply

      • Posted by Sarah K. on March 27, 2010 at 8:08 pm

        What makes me suspect that he has perhaps actually seen Lost is that often the humorous misspellings or observations (Hanso, mentioning the foot) seem like things that would not really stand out or be noticeable if you have never seen the show before.

        Reply

  66. Posted by dana on March 25, 2010 at 4:04 pm

    Ricardo says, “I may wear perpetual guy-liner but hey, I’m on a horse. Now look at him. Now back to me.” Clearly, I was waiting for them to bust out the Dharma Initiative Old Spice.
    p.s. Sad Day Monster beats Black Smoke any day. Pre-this blog, I called it Clicky Ghost.

    Reply

  67. Posted by Kris10 on March 25, 2010 at 4:04 pm

    Hellooo, women don’t high-five each other, they do a weird jump/giggle thing.

    Reply

  68. Lostie ? I think that’s how we spell it!

    Reply

  69. One of my top 100 LOST links of the month. See them all here – http://superduperstream.blogspot.com/2010/03/lru5.html

    Reply

  70. Posted by Beema on March 25, 2010 at 10:33 pm

    Awesome review! I think this is one of the best ones you’ve done so far. Very funny.

    I also wondered why they made the “sad day monster” look so modern in the flashbacks.

    Reply

  71. Just found this blog tonight and have already recommended it to my Lostie buddies. Read all nine recaps in one sitting and am weak from laughter. Thanks so much; hilarious!

    Reply

  72. Posted by maría on March 26, 2010 at 7:46 am

    Aren’t there any comments about Hurley and Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost?

    Reply

  73. Posted by darkteach on March 26, 2010 at 9:13 am

    I don’t know which I’ll miss most come May – the end of LOST or the end of this blog.. :(

    Reply

  74. Posted by Hamster562 on March 26, 2010 at 5:46 pm

    I love how you question the dynamite but not the more obvious questions like “how in the hell did a boat crash into the head of a really freaking tall statue and still land in the middle of the jungle that doesn’t even look wet?”

    Reply

  75. [...] Episode 9 of the Final Season of LOST SPOILER ALERT!!!!!  If you have not seen the latest episode of Lost you are all at once missing out and missing [...] [...]

    Reply

  76. Posted by Terri P. on March 27, 2010 at 8:19 pm

    Absolutely hilarious and a great read. Thanks! (There were many lines I LOL’ed over so I’ll only mention one awesome one: “Meanwhile, Hurley is trying to order some Baja Fresh from the ocean and it isn’t going well.”)

    Reply

  77. i lost it (no pun) at “it was probably just demonstration wine.”

    lmao. like many others, i love this blog and look forward to the posts each week. thanks for the authentic laughs.

    Reply

  78. Posted by Pirulin on March 28, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    Shoot! I think you just gave yourself away with this line: “In fact, I would have proposed it as soon as he pitched the idea of detonating a nuke on a small island I was standing on.”

    The pitching of the idea was in Season 5, so, how do you know there was a pitch and how do you know Jack picthed it?

    It doesn’t matter, it’s still hilarious. Even more so, if you’re pretending (which I’ve suspected for a while)

    Reply

    • Posted by Crustyonion on March 28, 2010 at 3:36 pm

      The blogger could easily have picked up on the fact that it was Jack who pitched the idea of blowing up the nuke from this series alone – Sawyer was more than a little grumpy at him for doing so; it was mentioned a few times. Wasn’t it in one of the recaps at the beginnng of an episode too? Stop disbelieving this blogger, just enjoy it.

      I soooo didn’t get the Hanso reference when I watched the episode, it all becomes a little clearer!

      Reply

  79. Lostkateers is what many are called, Losties for those who want to be lumped in with Trekkies.

    Reply

    • Posted by MinionMusing on March 31, 2010 at 9:09 am

      What the heck are you talking about?? I’ve never heard of “Lostkateers” … it sounds a bit kindergarten-ish. Are you trying to create a new name for us Losties?

      Reply

    • Posted by smog_monster on March 31, 2010 at 12:25 pm

      Been hanging around Lost sites for years. This is the first time I’ve ever heard the lame “lostkateers” before. You’re so full of crap you’re eyes are brown.

      Reply

  80. Posted by Susan on March 29, 2010 at 8:58 pm

    yeah, you spelled it totally wrong. We’re LOSTIES. The island has taught us proper grammar. But yeah, I’m totally with ya on that foot statue. It was there before 1867 cuz the time traveling survivors of Oceanic 815 saw it before it was scattered to the wind by the Black Rock. And yeah, the Hanso reference. Caught that but then he died. I’m lost.

    Reply

  81. Posted by Betsy on March 30, 2010 at 1:08 am

    Your writing is so cathartic for me, the show is so bad but I seem to keep coming back to it, even more so now since I really look forward to your recaps. Thank you for making me laugh!

    Reply

  82. Posted by LostDownUndah on March 31, 2010 at 6:29 am

    Yanno, the only thing better than this season of Lost is your blog. Honestly, it cracks me up every week. Thank you!

    And this week, this ever-so-apt quip got me: “I thought we were supposed to be getting answers this season. Now I just have more questions.” LOL! Amen brothah, maybe in another life? ;-)

    I think you are making us old Losties enjoy this show in even more ways with your POV; will this season turn you into enough of a fan to watch the other seasons? Coz’ seriously, your take on it seem to resonate with so many of us and the whole “WTF?ery” this show has captivated us with for six bloody years. Would love to hear your input later on other episodes, going back down the food chain. :-)

    Keep up the good & entertaining work!

    Reply

  83. Just found this blog… wow

    Seeing as how everyone else has already commented on this episode, I’ll just wait to reply to your review of last night’s episode and comment on that. You’re gonna have a fan base of your own by the end of this man!

    Reply

  84. Posted by Kingfish on March 31, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    Nomination for best line(s): “Jacob tells Ricardo they need to talk and grabs some wine. Ricardo asks if he can go in. Jacob says no one comes in unless I invite them. Then there is a little pause with a stare. We’re still talking about your house, right Jacob?”

    Reply

  85. Thanks for the feedback and happy blogging.

    Reply

  86. Posted by Anna on April 10, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    We’re still talking about your house, right Jacob?

    Best line for sure!

    Reply

  87. Posted by JKinNZ on April 18, 2010 at 11:01 pm

    It’s Lostie.

    Reply

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