Episode 9 of the Final Season of LOST

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!  If you have not seen the latest episode of Lost you are all at once missing out and missing nothing.  And you should not read this until you check that thing out because I am going to talk about it. That’s the point of this webternet site.

With a cover like that, how can you not read "Amor en la Isla de la Meurta".

I tell you what.  This is my favorite episode so far.  One plot line.  Not a lot happening.  Veeeery straightforward.  Sign me up for more of these.  Now, of course, the downside is since we didn’t get much done this hour we’re in for more ultra plot packed episodes in the future.  Sigh.

While we’re fist bumping the writers, they had a real nice recovery from last week’s misogyny episode.  This episode was clearly for the ladies.  It was like reading a Harlequin romance novel that had all the intimate parts edited out so it could be put in the school library.  Plus, no women were harmed in the making of this episode.  Good work, fellas. Unless this was a work of fan fiction.  Which I’m not entirely convinced it was not.  Eesh, that was a lot of negatives.

I’m gonna call Richard by the name he deserves, Ricardo.  Seems more fitting.  So without further ado, Ricardo’s episode; entitled, Amor en la Isla de la Muerta.

Overall What is Happening

Pretty simple stuff.  Ricardo has been alive since 1867.  The island is the cork on a bottle of evil wine.  Hurley is the grown up version of the kid from the Sixth Sense.

It’s kind of sad that that is considered simple.

More Detailed Episode Recap

We start with a lady with a seriously bandaged up face in a dank, rundown hospital.  Jacob walks up to her and starts speaking German.  Ouch for the German health care system.  I always thought the Germans were an efficient and hardworking people.  Apparently not.  Turns out Bandage Face is Illana.  She needs to protect 6 people.  She needs to protect the last of the candi-

We’re back on the island!  -dates.  Jack asks “candidates for what?”  Christ, Jack, how many times do we have to cover this?  I can remember 3 specific instances where someone explained to you that Jacob needs someone to take over protecting the island.  You should know this by now. Wake up.

You had no idea this whole blog was powered by a giant switch, did you?

Illana explains it to him, and says Ricardo will know what to do next.  Ricardo giggles.  No one else follows suit.  Apparently that is not what they were supposed to do next.  Ricardo seems surprised that Jack and Hurley didn’t tell them he tried to commit suicide.  I dunno, that seems pretty personal.  Ricardo says he will tell Jack a secret.  That he’s an idiot?  Nope.  That he is dead.  That they’re all dead.  And this is hell. Ooooooooooooooooh.  So that’s what this show is about.  Got it.  Guess we might as well shut this thing down.  It’s been fun.  Don’t worry, I’ll get the switch.  Wait, they’re still talking.  Oh, apparently there is more.

Someone proposes they stop listening to Jack and start listening to someone else.  That is honestly the best idea I have ever heard.  In fact, I would have proposed it as soon as he pitched the idea of detonating a nuke on a small island I was standing on.

Ricardo starts walking away.  They think they should go after him because he knows what to do next.  Jack gets all defensive and points out that Ricardo has lost his mind and thinks we’re all in hell.  I hope he is right that this is hell.  If the worst I can do in the afterlife is be on a tropical island with booze and some lady folk, then I might start sinning some more.  Doesn’t seem too shabby.  Heaven must be similar but you live on an ice cream sundae.

Meanwhile, Hurley is trying to order some Baja Fresh from the ocean and it isn’t going well.  Jack approaches him and asks what he is doing.  Hurley sez none of your beezwax.  Jack asks what Jacob is telling him.  Hurley lets him know he isn’t talking to Jacob and is has nothing to do with him.  Leave him alone.

Ben Killjoy pops in and says there is no reason to go after Ricardo.  They’ve known each other since he was 12.  And Richard hasn’t aged since.  Lucky for us.

Now that we got the obligatory 5 minutes of what is happening on the island out of the way, we get to watch Ricardo ride a horse and listen to the sound of 200,000 women all simultaneously high fiving each other.

Ricardo’s wife (Isabella) has a fever.  She coughs up some ketchup so Ricardo says he will go get the doctor.  Hopefully not Jack.  She gives him a necklace to give to the doctor.  She says “close your eyes and we’ll always be together.”  Except when you leave in 2 minutes.

The rider on the storm gets to Dr. Chickenwing’s house where, as his name might suggest, he is takin down some chicken wings.  He tells his Mutton Chop Butler to go get some blankets because Ricardo is soaking wet (easy, ladies).  The doctor asks how much money Ricardo has.  He starts handing the doctor a bunch of stuff until he hits a point where he says “now you have everything”.  He doesn’t have the love between you and Isabella, Ricardo.  He can never have that.  Dr. Chickenwing says that all the gold is nothing and he won’t help.  Quick, Ricardo, give him the love between you and Isabella!  I’m suspicious that whoever is behind this episode is in support of our new health care system.  And hates the Germans’.

Ricardo gets frustrated and starts rasslin with the doctor until the doc falls and hits his head on the table.  And here is a flaw with being the only doctor in town.  Now who’s gonna save him?  Ricardo makes a run for it while Mutton Chop Butler just watches him run right by.  What a terrible butler.  Ricardo gets back home and Isabella is dead already.  Oops.  Shouldn’t have stopped at that Arby’s on the way.  Some constables arrest Ricardo.

Ricardo is relaxing in the clink when Seedy Priest enters.  Ricardo has been teaching himself English by reading the Bible.  Good for him.  Learning a language isn’t easy.  Well, says Seedy Priest, it’s confession time.  Ricardo confesses murdering Dr. Chickenwing and asks for forgiveness. Seedy Priest says no.  BOOM!  Wait… I don’t think you can do that.  Granted, I’m a little rusty on my confession knowledge, but after 16 years in Catholic School I am pretty sure that genuine remorse is what you really need for forgiveness from God.  Seedy priest really needs to brush up.  He also says there is no time for penance cuz he’s aboutta get huuuung. This priest sucks.

On the way to the ropes, Seedy Priest and some dude are there waiting for Ricardo.  The dude asks if Ricardo speaka da english and Ricardo stares at him like he’s looking for a contact lens on his forehead.  This guy loses his patience and says hang him.  Ricardo speaks something akin to English, but it is barely understandable.  Hopefully, assimilationists in this country don’t see this episode and think that threatening hanging will get people to start speaking English instantly.  The Dude informs Ricardo that he is now property of Magnus Handsome (has to be a fake name).

We’re on a boat (on a boat) in the middle of a storm.  There’s some huuuuuge waves.  Ricardo and some other guys are chained up below.  The amount of space he has makes this seem like a Carnival cruise compared to the slave boats I learned about in middle school.  Ricardo asks his Buddy if he can see anything.  Out of nowhere Buddy ruins the surprise and says the devil is guarding the island.  At least I put a spoiler alert every week.  Then we have a case of the uh-ohs and the boat goes smack into an ancient Egyptian statue (how’d it get there?).

Hey!  This is the boat from a couple episodes ago!  When Ricardo tried to blow himself up.  Wait, why did they have dynamite on a slave ship?  And how is it still working after 140 years?  And how is the boat not more decayed after 140 years?  I thought we were supposed to be getting answers this season.  Now I just have more questions.

Regardless, slave nap time ends and everyone pops up expecting milk and cookies.  We hear that Captain Handsome has died and they are stranded in the middle of nowhere.  One of the surviving crew members does the only sensible thing.  He starts offing slaves.  I don’t usually condone murder, but this guy does have a good point.  Although, he could do something more quick and painless than stabbing people in the gut.  As seems to be the case for all deaths in this show, now they have to die the most slow, agonizing death possible.  Of course all the slaves did the high school theatre move of instantly dying.

Just before giving Ricardo the ol’ non-consensual stabbing, there is some clattering up top.  Other colonials start vanishing left and right.  Some red paint falls on the Stabbers head and then Sad Day Monster comes in and destroys him.  Sad Day Monster then slowly descends the stairs and has a bad case of the tummy gurgles.  Get some Pepto, Sad Day Monster.  He approaches Ricardo, takes some flash photography then hits the bricks.

For what feels like an eternity we watch Ricardo try to escape from his chains.  Sad Day Monster rains (I hope that was rain) on him a bit.  Ricardo takes a nap.  I try to keep this g rated, so I will tread lightly.  When he wakes up there is a pig with his head buried in the crotch of one of the slaves.  Not sure what it is doing, but too bad for the slave he is dead.

Isabella shows up.  She informs Ricardo they are dead.  And in hell.  They hear some noises, Ricardo tells her to go away.  She gets beat up.  I forgot about this part.  Maybe I jumped the gun on the no women were harmed in this episode thing above.  She is a ghost though, so we’ll let it ride.

Some really modern looking dude comes in and gets Ricardo some water.  He claims he has her and will give her back if he helps him out.  Ricardo agrees.  Modern Guy says the only way to escape hell is to kill the devil. Wonder why nobody has tried that yet.

While Ricardo nom nom noms on some bacon, Modern Guy tells him that there is a statue on the other side of the island and that is where the devil is.  I decided to take a break from a devil is in the details comment this week.  Modern Guy takes out a knife and goes through the instructions on how to kill Jacob.  He needs to stab him in the chest and not let him talk.  I remember when Toga gave that explanation.  Oh Toga, how I miss you.

Sad Day Monster is so much kewler than Black Smoke and he knows it.

Modern Guy explains that he is the black smoke (the what? Oh, you mean Sad Day Monster).  That he does not have Isabella but the devil does.  He took his body, his humanity.  He asks Ricardo if he ever wants to see his wife again.  He shrugs and says sure.  Time for some murderin.

Ricardo gets to the beach and… wait a minute… I think that is the foot from the intro to the first episode that got all the way to the bottom of the ocean!  How’d it get there?  While I was trying to figure this out Ricardo promptly gets the hell beaten out of him.  Ricardo asks Jacob where his wife is.  He then admits she is dead.  Jacob asks them why he is asking where his wife is then.  Man, Ricardo must feel like an idiot.  It doesn’t stop there.  When Ricardo admits that he thinks he is dead, Jacob goes high school bully on him and starts dunking his head in the water and yelling “you want to be dead?”  Ricardo says he wants to live and Jacob throws him back on the beach and tells him that is the most sensible thing he has said all day.  Ouch.  Not a feel good day for Ricardo.

Jacob tells Ricardo they need to talk and grabs some wine.  Ricardo asks if he can go in.  Jacob says no one comes in unless I invite them.  Then there is a little pause with a stare.  We’re still talking about your house, right Jacob?

Jacob admits he brought Ricardo’s boat here.  He starts explaining how the wine is evil (but delicious) and swirling around trying to escape the bottle.  The cork is the only thing that keeps it where it belongs and this island is the cork.  Thank God he had that wine laying around otherwise I don’t know how he would have described that.  It’s probably just demonstration wine.  The Modern Guy and Jacob are in a chess match where they are trying to prove people are good or evil.  Like a high stakes version of Trading Places.  Richard gets a gig as an intermediary between the two.  Jacob asks what he wants in return.  “I want Isabella back.” “No dice.” “I want my sins absolved.”  “Nuh uh.  No way.”  “I want to live forever.”  “Donezo.”  What?  Is there a menu he can choose from?  He might be leaving a lot of good stuff behind door #3.

Ricardo goes back to Modern Guy and hands him a white rock.  OMGZ! I think that is the rock that Sad Day Monster threw into the ocean a few episodes ago and said it was an inside joke.  If that’s the case, then these writers need to work on the order that inside jokes occur.  It’s hard to reference an inside joke that hasn’t happened.  Modern Guy says that he will never see his wife again if he goes with Jacob.  But his offer still stands in case he ever changes his mind.  Not a good negotiating tactic.  Usually you want to offer as little time as possible.  That’s how I ended up with my Magic Bullet.  Modern Guy hands him Isabella’s necklace then disappears.  Ricardo then… buries it?  I don’t know, buddy, you should probably hang on to that.

Back to the boring island, Ricardo goes to the same spot and digs up the necklace.  Wow.  I’m amazed that after 140 years a necklace has remained buried under 4 inches of mulch in the same spot on a tropical island that no doubt has some vicious storms, like the one that brought the boat there in the first place.  These writers love cashing in their credibility chips on some minor things.  Ricardo begins screaming that he wants to take the offer and wants to know if the offer still stands.

Hurley comes rumblin through the woods to ask what offer.  Ricardo is all upset that he followed him.  Hurley says that Isabella sent him to follow Ricardo and she wants to know why he buried her necklace.  Yeah, me too.  Hurley tells Ricardo she is standing right next to him and that he will tell Ricardo what she says.  We see her.  Woof.  Ricardo could have done a lot better. She tells him his English is magnificent in Spanish.  Hurley says “She says you’re English is awesome, dude.”  Well that’s great Hurley, let’s just undercut the beauty of what she said with your lazy American English.  She tells Ricardo to close his eyes and that it wasn’t his fault she died, it was her time. They have a nice moment while Hurley mouth-breaths ten feet away.  I think it’s about time to nickname Hurley “Tricycle” since he is always the third wheel.

She disappears and Hurley says there was one more thing.  Ricardo has to keep the men in black from leaving the island, otherwise they go to hell.  Zoom out. Looooooooooooocke.  The End.

Wait.  It’s not over?  That was a perfect ending.  Alright, I guess we have Jacob and Modern Guy talking in the past.  Modern Guy admits he wants to kill Jacob so he can leave the island, but Jacob won’t let him do that.  Jacob says, here’s something to pass the time and hands him wine.  This is how alcoholism happens, Jacob.  Modern Guy decides to instead pass his time with an obvious metaphor and smashes the bottle on a log.  Oooooooooh.  I get it.

Thoughts I have

• The guy who plays Ricardo is a really good actor.
• I’m getting some of the references and jokes within this season!  I feel like a Losty!  That’s what you call someone who likes Lost, right?  A Losty?  Am I spelling it right?
• That foot in the ocean had the lamest payout I have ever encountered.  That thing better come back and mean something.

The inscription loosely translates to "needless".