Episode 13 of the Final Season of LOST

SPOILER ALERT!!!!! We’re here for one reason only.  To talk about the latest episode of LOST and the goings ons that transpired.  As you can imagine there will be a lot of filler since not a lot of goings ons transpired.  I also am going to throw out some random future thoughts which might actually spoil something, but I doubt it.

I am filing last week’s structure experiment as a success.  However, we’re going to tell one story at a time this week.  This episode is going to make more sense if we break them up instead of jumping back and forth (are you listening, Lost writers?). There is one point in this where you will see it does a disservice to one of the plot twists that I found completely ridiculous.  Shrug.

The different posters for this fall's ABC line up

It’s also clear this week that this is all a set up for the different spin offs ABC has planned for it’s fall line up.  Here is the list:

  • Miles and Sawyer star in a crime drama called “Not Without My Sawyer”.  Kate guest stars as a former crook turned informant. Alternate title: “A Miles in his Shoes”
  • Claire stars in a dramedy called “Up Over” (instead of Down Under) about a single Australia mom learning about life and love in Los Angeles. It’s a heartfelt comedy with heartfelt laughs.  Desmond plays the love interest.  Claire thinks they could never be more than friends.
  • Sun and Jin star in a female-scaling-the-corporate-ladder drama called “The Rising Sun”.  It’s about how Sun has to fight against stereotypes and tradition to be the breadwinner in her family and coping with Jin’s mixed support and jealousy.  Think Ally McBeal but not funny.  So just like Ally McBeal. Zing!
  • Linus and Locke star in a TV version of the movie “Stand By Me”.
  • Jack stars in the medical dromcom (patent pending) “Neuroses”.  He’s a single dad and successful surgeon.  He seemingly has it all.  Except love.  Kinda like Gray’s Anatomy ate the Deep End washed it down with some ER then had House for dessert.
  • Hurley goes on the Biggest Loser or Celebrity Fit Club.

Bulleted list came early this week.

Overall What is Happening

Nothing still.  Cork = Island.  Ocean = Den of Evil.  The big reveal this week is that everyone is coming together in Snoozeville (not the island) in super random ways.  Ways that some folks would call cheating.  Not me though.  I’m subscribing…  Not really.

The Island is in week 13 of building up to what ultimately will be a disappointing fight.  They could have done this lead up in three weeks.  Now that we’re so far in and invested, it’s going to be extremely difficult to live up to the expectations.  That’s why I ruin surprises as quickly as possible.  No one is ever disappointed.  It’s also why no one listens to my stories.  Sad emoticon.

The big reveal on the island comes from the philosophical stylings of Dr. Jack Shephard in which he states that maybe they AREN’T supposed to leave the island.  Thanks for checking in Jack.  God forbid we go one week without you proposing a ridiculous theory just to hear the sound of your own voice.

Onward…

More Detailed Episode Recap

If you remember last week, Wheelchair Locke got MAULED by Dez in his car.  Now he’s in the back of an ambulance with Ben as his escort (that sucks).  The paramedic is getting no response in his legs and Ben astutely points out that he’s a paraplegic.  Detective Paramedic asks if Linus knows him.  He says kinda and explains he is a teacher and is in a wheelchair.  Det. Paramedic says that the wheelchair is totaled and probably saved Locke’s life.

Hang on… So you know that he was in a wheelchair.  You are getting no response in his legs.  Linus had to tell you he is a paraplegic.  I believe this should suffice in explaining why I called him Detective Paramedic.  I think he is a graduate of the Jack Shephard Medical School.

Linus is eager to narc on Dez.  He says he saw the guy who did it and he was at school.  Linus is easily ignorable so I spaced out.

Sun is being wheeled into the hospital at the same time.  If you will remember a couple weeks ago she took the long route to getting rid of a baby without assistance from the new health care program.  As she’s getting wheeled in she looks over and sees a severely banged up Locke and starts freaking out.  I don’t blame her.  They literally had these stretchers almost touching and this other guy was mangled.  Doesn’t someone get a right of way?

In the police station, Sawyer is strutting around like he owns the place and eating an apple because he’s awesome.  He sits down to interrogate Kate and starts by saying “We’re wearing similar leather jackets.  Wanna knock boots?”  It doesn’t work.  Sawyer then points out to her that she is a murderer and that the feds will be coming for her.  Kate asks Sawyer if there is something she wants from him.  Well… no, Kate.  You’re wanted for murder. That’s why you’re here.  I guess if there WAS something we would want from you it would be that you don’t try to escape before they can put you in jail.

Sawyer decides the sexual tension needs some thickening and asks Kate if she remembers him from the airport.  I remember you letting a criminal walk, Sawyer (disappointed head shake).  She does remember him.  Score.  Sawyer asks if she thinks it’s weird that they ran into each other.  I do.  Kate sez “Are you hitting on me?” “No. I’m a cop and you’re a murderer.”  “I’m not a murderer.”  “I’m still a cop.”  And that makes Sawyer the winner of this round of the Logic Game.  Congrats, Sawyer, for making such an inane comment.  Kate sees through his charade and points out Sawyer let her go because he didn’t want people to know he was in Australia.  I don’t remember why he went, but it can’t be worse than letting a wanted murderer go free.

Miles shows up (thank God) and says they found the guy who shot that lady.  They don’t care about the 5 mob gangsters who are all dead in the same room.  They check a security camera.  It’s Sayid. Looking as cool and casual as ever.

Claire’s turn.  She goes in to talk to someone about adoption in one of the most corporate looking orphanages I’ve ever seen.  Dez, trolling for preggo chicks, goes up to toss more game.  He’s really creepy and asks if she remembers him from bag check.  As she is walking away, Claire tells him that he was right, it is a boy.  Not a good way to get rid of a creepy dude, ladies.

Problem solved (brushes dust off hands)

Seeing his opening, he follows her up the escalator. He claims he is going to see his lawyer.  I don’t know why there is a law firm in an orphanage, but so goes the enigma of Lost. Concerned she doesn’t have a lawyer, Dez points out that adoptions can be very complicated.  A wicker basket and a neighbor’s front step, however, are not.  After some serious harassment, Claire finally agrees to go talk to his lawyer. Shame on you for giving in, Claire.

As they enter the law firm, Claire’s spidey-sense is tingling.  You can tell because her bellybutton is out really far.  Illana comes out as the lawyer.  I’m disappointed that I have to keep typing her name.  I also think I have been misspelling it.  After being introduced, Illana asks if she is Claire Littleton from Australia.  Don’t worry, there’s only one.  She then asks to speak to Claire in private.  Claire’s suspicious bellybutton isn’t suspicious enough and she agrees to go to the back room with this stranger.

Sayid time.  He shows up at his sister-in-law(slash object of desire)’s house and tells her that she won’t have no problems no more.  She’s skeptical but we can’t see her bellybutton to know for certain.  Miles is at the front door and asks her to open up.  She does.  Miles: “Mrs. Jiraum, I’m detective Straum, and our names rhyme, but that’s not why I’m here-“.  Meanwhile Sayid snuck out the back where Awesome Sawyer takes him down.  I think this is the same set from Point Break where Keanu Reeves almost got his faced shoved into a lawnmower.

Jack and his son are walking into the same office building where Dez and Claire are.  Shwoo.  I was worried they wouldn’t get tied back into this story. Jack gets a phone call.  (to son) “It’s your mom” (into phone) “I think you gave me that rash you were fighting.”  His son tries to buy time before going back home.  This kid did a drastic 180 from the last time we saw him.  I think they are taking advantage of my bad memory and just telling me this kid is besties with his dad now.

They’re there to hear the reading of Jack’s dad’s will.  Jack tells his kid it’s ok to be sad.  His son replies “I’m sad for you dad.  You’re an idiot with no self awareness.”  They get to the law firm and Illana is their lawyer (of course) and says she has a surprise for them.  Again, I completely forgot that Claire was mentioned in the will.  Claire is in the room and it turns out that she and Jack are siblings.

I’ll address this when I actually saw it for the first time, which was on the island.  I would like to go on the record as saying: C’mon.

Jack’s brains are on the wall because he just got his mind blown and he gets a phone call.  He tells the person it’s a bad time then agrees to do a complex surgery.  I dunno, Jack, maybe we should wait until you’re in a proper mental state to do this.  No?  We need to keep walking this tightrope of coincidence?  Fine.

Special treat for this Jin and Sun section.  I’m going to copy and paste what I wrote down as I was watching the episode. “Jin is passed out.  You were shot but you’re going to be ok.  The baby is fine. HOW?  She got shot in the uterus!  Whatever.  Ice Cream and lollipops.”

I am glad the fictional baby is ok.

Jack brought his son to the hospital.  His son asks if he had an idea his dad had another kid.  Jack has no idea about a lot of things.  They both seem to be taking this news really jovially.  Jack goes in to do surgery and asks his son if he’ll be ok while he does this?  Jack… I’ve worked in a hospital.  Leaving a 13 year old kid in one with no form of entertainment for the 4-6 hours this complex surgery will take is one of the worst ideas I have ever heard.  All he is going to do is sit in a waiting room and watch Oxygen.  Which will make him bored or a sissy.  You don’t want either.   Send him to his mom’s house, it sounded like she had nothing to do when you talked to her on the phone earlier.

Anyway, Jack goes back to get some surgery on.  The nurse tells him they called him because they were in over their heads.  They felt dumb so they decided to call him so they felt smart by comparison.  Jack catches Locke’s reflection in the upskirt mirror they placed below him and tells everyone he knows this guy.

Woosh Woosh Woosh

Knew I’d find a way to sneak it in.

We kick things off on the island with Jack getting another custom special hello from Locke (Sad Day Monster).   He says they have some catching up to do and asks Jack to walk with him.  I hope he gets thrown into the well.  Everyone looks jealous that Jack gets to go talk to him and I think Claire might be wearing a wig.

This convo between Jack and Sad Day Monster is super boring.  We learn Locke had to be dead before Sad Day Monster could look like him.  Jack brought him back to the island.  He turned into Jack’s father, who Jack chased.  Sad Day Monster says he did it because Jack needed to find water and he’s too dumb to find the ocean while on a small island.

Artist rendition of the time saving scrollbar

Then comes the real shocker.  Sad Day Monster once again explains that everyone needs to leave together.  We… get… it… Please stop telling us that.  For the next episode can they just have a scroll at the bottom of the screen that says that repeatedly so we don’t have to dedicate any more time to explaining that.  Thanks.

Then Sad Day Monster calls Locke a chump.

Claire’s been snoopin in the bushes.  She comes out and Sad Day Monster asks her if she was following them.  She says yes and that she is Jack’s sister.

Sigh.

This is the plot twist that is not getting proper justice because I already sort of addressed it but this was the first time I had heard this while watching the ‘sode (cool kid abbreviation for episode).  I don’t want to go on a rant (and unlike Dennis Miller I am not trying to set up a rant) so I am just going to say that I find this to be absolutely ridiculous and unnecessary and a simple tweak to goose the viewer into a state of surprise.  From what I can tell, any character could be any other characters’ sibling.  While thinking about the difference between Luke and Leia Skywalker and these two I realized this show borrows a lot from Star Wars (down to some direct references).  I’m not in the business of providing theories though so I am going to get back on course.

Claire says it means a lot that they are coming with them.  Jack says he is not sure they are.  She says that they let Sad Day Monster talk to them, so now they are with him.

Brother and sister?  Really?  C’mon!

Sawyer tells Hurley that the plan is to separate from these folks and take the party sub from Whitmore’s island to escape.  The plan is to ditch Sayid because he is a weirdo and evil.  Hurley says you can save anyone from the dark side, look at Anakin.  Sawyer’s been on a deserted island (and he’s cool) so he doesn’t get the reference.  I disagree with Hurley.  Darth Vader is very low on my list of people to befriend with the hopes of changing.  Hurley has a case of the girls though and thinks he can change a man.  Stereotypes!

Claire, Sad Day Monster, and Jack return from the woods.  Where have they been?  It was night time now it’s noon.  What were they doing in the jungle all night?

Later, Kate tells Jack.  He asks if Sayid is going with them.  Kate says that “Sayid is different now.  We’re all different now.”  Yeah.  But Sayid got shot, then drowned in a magic hot tub, then came back to life, then was diagnosed as being infected.  So he’s especially different now.

Smurfette (Zoey) shows up to Sad Day Monster’s camp.  I figured she was sick of finding hidden cameras in her bedroom at Nerd Camp, but it turns out she is just delivering a message to Locke.  Which is that they want back what they took from them.  Or else. She then calls an air raid into a walky talky.  She hands the walky talky to Sad Day Monster and says to contact her on that.  And next time.  They won’t miss.  Hey, Smurfette.  Sorry to interrupt, but technically they didn’t miss.  They hit their target.  Unless they were supposed to blow up the camp.  Then they missed.  She’s really not intimidating.

Sad Day Monster smashes the radio and says “Here we go.”  Yes!  Now there’s definitely going to be a fight, right?  All the setup is complete?

Claire goes to talk to Hurley.  So no fighting then? OK.  Locke goes to Sawyer and takes out a hand drawn map.  I’m not joking when I say that I think I drew it.  It was the best thing I have seen on this show.  There was a little sailboat at the top.  And a circle that said camp.  It was AWESOME.  Anyway, on it, he tells Sawyer where to find a boat and to bring it to him so they can go to Nerd Island and punch some faces.  Sawyer asks to bring Kate.

He then asks Sayid if he has a minute and walks away.  Jack looks dumbfounded.  Sawyer tells him to bring the non-crazies to a different rendezvous point and they can escape.  No one notices Claire is insane so they keep asking if she should be included.  The answer is no.

Sad Day Monster asks Sayid to go kill Dez.  Sayid seems reluctant.  He asks Sayid if he still wants what they agreed to.  He does.

Sayid approaches the well and he TOOK OUT HIS GUUUUN (said in South Park R. Kelly style).  He’s lining up the perfect head shot when Dez starts asking him what the deal was.  Dez makes a lot sense by asking Sayid what makes him think Sad Day Monster can bring his lady back to life, what will he tell her when he sees her, etc.  My question is, how long has she been dead?  Cuz you could be signing up to be hanging out with a rotting corpse, homeboy.

Kate and Sawyer find the boat.  Sawyer says to Kate “There she blows!  You ready to get wet?”  Easy, Sawyer.  You don’t want to come on too strong.  Oh, you meant to swim.  He then comments that the Pilot looks like he stepped off the set of a burt reynolds movie.  Nice!  High five to Sawyer who’s making more and more sense as time passes.  He, as many people before him have, says that Claire is dangerous and can’t come with them.

Jack asks Claire how long she has been with Locke.  She says years because he was the only one who didn’t ditch her.  Aaaaw.  Sad Day Monster is leading a large crew (where’d all these people come from) across the jungle.  He asks Sun where Sayid is.  Rather than telling him that she can’t talk, Pilot just stands there.  Sun finally gets out her paper and tells him that he did this to her.  He says he didn’t.  Someone get Judge Joe Brown.  Sad Day Monster gives instructions to Female Extra #1 to lead the people and he will meet them.

Jack, the master of subtlety, gathers everyone who is ditching this group and makes it as obvious as possible.  They take off running.  Hurley running is hard to miss so Claire notices they all ditched her (Again! frown.)

Sad Day Monster finds Sayid and asks where he’s been.  He’s been worried sick.  Sayid says he just shot an unarmed man and he needed a moment.  We all know he’s lying.  Sad Day Monster believes him anyway.

Jack looks lost.  He consults the cocktail napkin map (mapkin?).  “They should be right here!  Next to the ketchup stain and above the little owl drawing!”  They finally see the boat and make a run for it.  Claire pops out with guns up.  Kate and Claire haven’t filled out their Emmy reel yet so they have a heart to heart that ends with Claire getting on board with the escape plan. Literally!

Everyone’s on the boat and Sawyer explains the plan.  Cuddle with Whitmore then put a gun in his face.  Ah, the ol’ Tulsa Two-Step.  I’m a fan.  And so is the Pilot.

Sawyer asks Kate to take the wheel so he can go bust Sawyer’s chops.  Jack says he doesn’t feel right leaving.  He says that maybe they were brought to the island for a reason.  And that Sad Day Monster wants them to leave so they can’t do that thing.  Sawyer tells him to get off his damn boat.  Didn’t know it was his now, but I agree with him.  Jack apologizes for killing Juliette (the bomb was more responsible for it than him) and jumps off wearing his backpack and shoes 5 miles offshore.

Somehow he makes it to the beach.  Sad Day Monster and a group of extras are there to greet him.

On the other island, every swims to shore.  Nerds pop out of the woods.  Jin is with them.  He and Sun reunite.  Sun can speak again.  Love is nice. Why do they speak English to each other if it isn’t their native tongue?  Everyone gets warm fuzzies.  Smurfette ruins the fun by saying the deal is off and everyone needs to drop down to their knees.

Genius Jack, no more than 30 seconds after reuniting with Sad Day Monster, gets bombed by those jets.  Forrest picks up Bubba and takes him to a safe place.  Locke says don’t worry, you’re with him now.  Being with him sucks so far.

Thoughts I Have

  • I would like to see the two lost worlds told in linear format.  So instead of jumping, we see everything on the island at once then everything not on the island.  I think the redundancies would be glaring.
  • I’d also like to show someone nothing but the first segment of the show and last 15 minutes of each episode and see if they could follow along.  I bet they could.
  • Bonus drawing this week.  Woooo!
  • Where’d all these people come from that Sad Day Monster is leading around?  I know he’s popular, but this is ridiculous.

Sad Day Monster addresses his millions of fans

123 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Kyle on April 21, 2010 at 3:09 pm

    FIRST!

    wow i never do that…dont judge me lol

    great recap, i love these

    Reply

  2. Posted by Ryan on April 21, 2010 at 3:10 pm

    First.

    I just want to say… You’re hilarious xD

    Reply

  3. Posted by other on April 21, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    hahaha, loved the callback to the magic hot tub. fond memories of the Toga days.

    Reply

  4. Posted by TallCuppaJoe on April 21, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    Loved the Oxygen and Darth Vader lines. Now I’m off to read the recap of an actual devoted crazy theorist Lostie. I need this one to remind me not to take it too seriously.

    Reply

    • Posted by Pete on April 21, 2010 at 3:30 pm

      Hah, I start reading the other recaps expecting the same mocking tone as this one and then being like.. oh wait..

      Reply

    • Posted by Juan Peron on April 22, 2010 at 7:30 am

      I don’t know, this week he kind of sounded like one of those guys.

      Reply

      • Posted by watched17times on April 24, 2010 at 11:05 pm

        OK.. I have to say, I was starting to get worried because one of the recaps a couple of weeks ago, I didn’t even chuckle. I am glad to be back to belly laughing!!! Thank you so much! Most belly laughable lines:

        Doesn’t someone have the right of way? (BEST ONE)
        And that makes Sawyer the winner of this round of the Logic Game.
        Miles: “Mrs. Jiraum, I’m detective Straum, and our names rhyme, but that’s not why I’m here- (REMINDS ME OF THE MOVIE “AIRPLANE” “Surely you ….”. Stop calling me Shirley)
        Cuz you could be signing up to be hanging out with a rotting corpse, homeboy.
        Sun finally gets out her paper and tells him that he did this to her. He says he didn’t. Someone get Judge Joe Brown.
        Jack looks lost. He consults the cocktail napkin map (mapkin?). “They should be right here! Next to the ketchup stain and above the little owl drawing!”
        Where’d all these people come from that Sad Day Monster is leading around? I know he’s popular, but this is ridiculous. (CUZ I LOVE THE PICTURE!!)

        Thanks again homeboy!

        Reply

  5. Posted by Kristi on April 21, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    Fabulous recap, as always, but why aren’t any of your expert drawings (other than the basket) showing up?

    Oh, how I knew you were going to have a field day with another one of Jack’s inexplicable decisions (jumping ship)!

    Reply

  6. Posted by Ryan G on April 21, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    This is Hilarious.

    Oh, and your drawing with the golf course shaded in…

    There’s actually a golf course on the island, beleive it or not lol

    Reply

  7. Posted by Pete on April 21, 2010 at 3:29 pm

    Best one you’ve posted stince the Pilot, made me laugh so much. Fantastic. Better than the show I think..

    Reply

  8. Posted by Leslie on April 21, 2010 at 3:29 pm

    Why aren’t the pictures working? I can see the first and third only when I scroll over them. I can see the second just fine. The last two don’t show up even when I scroll over them.

    Reply

  9. Posted by Luke on April 21, 2010 at 3:33 pm

    “Sawyer says to Kate “There she blows! You ready to get wet?” Easy, Sawyer. You don’t want to come on too strong. Oh, you meant to swim. ”

    LOL :-)

    Also LOL at the “Female Extra #1″, she’s actually been in Lost since the very first episode, and she has a name, I won’t give any more away though ;-)

    Reply

  10. Posted by Belica on April 21, 2010 at 3:39 pm

    I’ve been refreshing this page, waiting for your review, since I came from work. Yeah, I’m sick.
    Anyway… Did anybody notice the superpowers of Locke in snoozeville? In just one day and a half he returns from Australia, goes to work, gets fired, goes to a temp agency, replaces a gym teacher, drinks an Early Grey, replaces a cience teacher, convinces Ben to run for principal and is runned over by Desmond. Because Sun is shot the day after the flight, isn’t she?
    And all without feeling a Jet Lag!

    Reply

    • Posted by DS on April 22, 2010 at 2:51 pm

      Wow, excellent observation there, Belica! You’re right…so much has happened to Locke since the flight, but not much with Sun and Jin! And yet, here they are, together in the same place again. (Wonder if the writers gave this much thought?)

      Reply

  11. Posted by studiorose on April 21, 2010 at 4:06 pm

    And let’s not forget Rose, who, even while dying of cancer, goes to work the day she gets back from Australia!

    Reply

  12. Posted by u haz a fan (iz me) on April 21, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    Hahaha that was a great one again! The bellybutton thing was so good! Thanks!!

    Reply

  13. Posted by Deus ex Machina on April 21, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    http://lostpedia.wikia.com/wiki/Golf_course

    How did you know about the golf course? I thought you hadn’t watched the other seasons…

    Reply

  14. Posted by Algram on April 21, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    You know what? I always read this website and yes, u are a funny dude, witty, internet loving, funny, etc. It is refreshing and nice and whatnot. But the reviews hav been getting douchier and douchier, and I’m sorry, the show (at least this season) is just not for first timers. This episode epitomized everything we Losties loved, it had a million eater eggs, different theories, culmination of year long story lines and more. It was perfect for those of us who’ve been riding this bitch for the long haul:; why piss on our parade?

    Reply

  15. Posted by Algram on April 21, 2010 at 4:12 pm

    and sorry, I’m drunk: hence the poor grammar

    Reply

  16. Posted by Ben on April 21, 2010 at 4:14 pm

    “I’ll address this when I actually saw it for the first time, which was on the island.”

    This sentence made me very tense.

    Reply

  17. Posted by Felly on April 21, 2010 at 4:18 pm

    God, catching up on this blog has totally made my day! Hilarious. I love how you hate/snark on Jack’s douchey stupidity, and you’ve never even seen most of the show! Believe it or not, he is being INFINITELY less douchey and stupid this season than he has ever been.

    Jack and Claire being siblings isn’t a new plot point, but even after multiple seasons, it has not ceased to be ridiculous. You’re not the only one. Every time someone mentions Jack’s sister or Claire’s brother, I have to go, “Who? Oh. Right. *eyeroll*”

    Reply

  18. Posted by Ian on April 21, 2010 at 4:20 pm

    Yes you cockgobbler, we’ve known they’re brother and sister for like 3 years now, I agree with the drunk fucker from above. And Ben boring??? never

    Reply

  19. Posted by Rerun on April 21, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    Didn’t Forrest carry Lt. Dan? I dont know- I saw that frickin movie once and it boned over Pulp Fiction and Shawshank for the damn Oscar.

    Great recap! I think this may be the first ep this season where you didn’t detect the writers making fun of Hurley/Hugo’s weight.

    +So you know that he was in a wheelchair. You are getting no response in his legs. Linus had to tell you he is a paraplegic. I believe this should suffice in explaining why I called him Detective Paramedic. I think he is a graduate of the Jack Shephard Medical School.” = AWESOMENESS!!!!

    Reply

    • Posted by Stephanie on April 21, 2010 at 5:27 pm

      He carried everyone, Bubba and Lt. Dan most memorably though.

      Reply

      • Posted by DS on April 22, 2010 at 2:59 pm

        Bubba then died, and Forrest inherited his old, crusty shrimp boat business. Lt. Dan lost his legs, became extremely bitter, but somehow ended up working on the shrimp boat as Forrest’s first mate! (Great movie!)

        Reply

        • Posted by DS on April 22, 2010 at 3:01 pm

          Actually, the Forrest Gump scene came to my mind when watching Locke set Jack up next to that tree…but I promptly forgot all about the analogy…until THIS GUY reminded me! lol, dude! Good job!

          Reply

    • Posted by traci on April 24, 2010 at 3:03 am

      Actually he did make a reference on Hurley’s weight, with the, “Hurley running is hard to miss so Claire notices they all ditched her (Again! frown.)” comment.

      Reply

  20. Posted by anon on April 21, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    I LOVE your recaps! seriously I can’t wait for them the day after the show! But I think you are a little harsh on Jack. I’m not really sure why you hate him so much!

    Reply

  21. Posted by Canucklehead on April 21, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    Will you mary me?

    Reply

  22. Posted by EddieW on April 21, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    Funny but I have a suggestion.

    At this point I suggest you quickly rent season 1 this weekend, watch it and maybe write one post about that, and it will make your recaps for this final season better. The ‘never seen it’ part was fun but we’re a bit beyond that now so might as well quickly get a basic grounding and go forward. It would still make the name of the blog make sense, given that you’d never seen it before you started this project.

    But even if you don’t, keep up the good work. I’m impressed by how fast you churn these out. It would take me most of a week.

    Reply

  23. Posted by Mandie on April 21, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    wait… anakin turned good again? no he didn’t… i think i missed the last movie. someone fill me in on the plot. also why the hell did hurley say anikan instead of darth vader, i had to ask my boyfriend who that was. haha.

    Reply

    • Posted by pd00 on April 21, 2010 at 6:08 pm

      He saved Luke and killed the Emperor right before dying, yeah.

      Reply

    • Posted by DarthStuff on April 21, 2010 at 6:52 pm

      I think Hurley meant waaaaaay later when Anakin’s about to die during Return of the Jedi. Vader pretty much repents on his death bed. Did I spoil that for anyone?

      Reply

    • Posted by Juan Peron on April 22, 2010 at 8:28 am

      A lot of people don’t know that they made some movies that take place after “Revenge of the Sith”. They’re actually older, but some people think they’re actually better. You should check them out. They’re titled “Star Wars”, “The Empire Strikes Back”, and “Return of the Jedi”.

      /pats parent poster on the head

      Reply

    • Posted by John on April 27, 2010 at 10:42 am

      Uhhh…are you serious? Anakin IS Darth Vader…if you watch the original 3 movies, which take place after Episodes 1, 2 and 3 (and are much better) then you would know that Anakin, aka Darth Vader, turns good in the end…

      SPOILER since you obviously havent seen them…He kills the Emporer and saves Luke…

      Reply

  24. Posted by Goatjugsoup on April 21, 2010 at 5:55 pm

    funniest recap yet dude hillarious. btw you said sawyer is going to bust sawyers chops

    Reply

  25. -sad day monster #1 fan-

    Reply

  26. I LOVE your blog and this post is my favorite so far.
    Not a lot of people can pull off humor the way you do, it comes from a place of pure logic and it makes us Loties feel pretty silly about taking the show too seriously. Now when I watch it I go like “Wait a minute…!” And everytime Jack says or does something stupid I swear I think of you.
    I loved the bellybutton comments :)

    Reply

  27. Posted by LolaG on April 21, 2010 at 8:11 pm

    These posts are less funny and more self-satisfied every week. The first few were creative in a very flippant way that was amusing. Now you’re instructing the writers on how to have better constructed and written the show? Really? Yawn.

    Reply

    • Posted by di55 on April 21, 2010 at 8:28 pm

      agreed. i originally visited after damon’s tweet and thought it was very amusing. unfortunately that was the “shark jump”.

      bookmark deleted

      Reply

    • Posted by TeamJack on April 21, 2010 at 9:52 pm

      I also agree. These posts started out hilarious. Now I think you’re just trying too hard…

      Reply

      • Posted by EddieW on April 21, 2010 at 10:37 pm

        The problem is they got too long. The first ones were short. He should just go back to giving a smaller recap and some thoughts. That’s the only real change I’ve noticed.

        Reply

  28. Posted by ColinJ on April 21, 2010 at 8:26 pm

    I think Hurley needs to dip into whatever stash he has that keeps him fat and get Claire some Dharma brand conditioner.

    And some industrial strength douche as well, by the look of her.

    Reply

  29. Posted by elsie on April 21, 2010 at 9:39 pm

    bwahahahahahahahahahahaha the bullet list of spinoff shows BRILLIANT. “Neuroses” especially. Don’t forget we longterm fans have had SIX YEARS of Jack. This is his reformed, less neurotic self. Really.

    As for the brother/sister reveal thing, this is one instance where you’re at a disadvantage as a n00b. It’s not a new storyline – not a twist – it’s actually a quite sad background story that’s been playing since the first season. Also, if you’re thinking Jack’s reaction on the Island is a little ‘meh’, it’s that on the Island, he already knows Claire’s his sister (though Claire doesn’t know he knows). Obviously in the other storyline it was a surprise to him.

    Not trying to do the spoiler thing and unduly fill you in, just reflecting that in this case what seems like poor writing is just your not having the benefit of having seen some other genuinely good scenes in previous years.

    You’re probably not reading this – just felt like replying because this blog is so awesomely done.

    Reply

    • Posted by Jason on April 21, 2010 at 11:14 pm

      I agree. But the really hilarious — and ridiculous — thing about this plot is that even though Jack knew this whole time Claire was his sister, he’s shown almost ZERO concern for her this entire season (it’s KATE who’s shown all the concern!) and not once has this fact even been mentioned. (Toga did mention Jack’s sister once, but I don’t blame papadurbin for not remembering that!)

      But it was kinda cool that they had their first brother/sister conversations in both worlds in the same episode.

      Reply

  30. Posted by Richard on April 21, 2010 at 10:10 pm

    “She’s skeptical but we can’t see her bellybutton to know for certain”

    That’s the FTW of this post

    Reply

  31. Posted by Musetta on April 21, 2010 at 10:32 pm

    papadurbin I love you! All the way from Italy, get this: SEI IL MIGLIORE!!!

    Reply

  32. Posted by Frankie on April 21, 2010 at 10:42 pm

    If you’re angry with Jack just seeing these 13 episodes, you don’t know what you’ve missed.

    That’s his best season by far, he is being very nice in it, compared with others.

    I’m sad, when I watched the first and second seasons of Lost, I was a great fan, but now this shows means nothing.

    Really really sad, the good thing is that we have this blog to laugh a little.

    Reply

  33. Posted by AlsoNeverSeenLost on April 21, 2010 at 10:57 pm

    This blog is just hilarious, keep up the excellent work!
    Some LOST-obsessed friend of mine posted this link on her FB some weeks ago and I’ve been reading it ever since .. and I don’t even watch the show!
    I’ve actually never seen even a snippet of that show in my life, but now I’m considering tuning in for an episode to see if it’ll make reading this even funnier.

    Reply

  34. Posted by Dominator on April 21, 2010 at 11:43 pm

    “Sad Day Monster says he did it because Jack needed to find water and he’s too dumb to find the ocean while on a small island.”

    Are you that much of a fucking idiot? You can’t drink ocean water you piece of shit. Why are you knocking this show? I get the point of this blog is to show how someone who has never seen the show (even though I think you are lying about that) would react, you have nothing nice to say about any of the characters and are just an asshole about the whole show in general. Nothing you say is funny. You. Are. Not. Funny. Learn from this, and stop writing shitty blogs about something so great that your small mind is incapable of comprehending.

    Reply

    • Posted by Belica on April 22, 2010 at 5:16 am

      Slow down, Dominator! Like Flocke said: “Let’s not resort to calling names”.
      A little sense of humor won’t make you any harm. I consider myself a Lost freak and this blog is now part of my “lost experience” through this season.

      Quote:
      Posted by confused on April 21, 2010 at 8:26 pm

      “why piss on our parade?”

      Why are you deliberately standing underneath the stream?

      Btw, “he’s too dumb to find the ocean while on a small island” was one of the best lines of today’s post.

      Reply

    • Posted by Richard on April 22, 2010 at 7:34 am

      I know how you feel, Dominator. It sucks when you have read all of the internet and the only thing you have left to read is a blog that is written by one of the small-minded lesser beings who haven’t comprehended the greatness of the a show that is the culmination of all storytelling attempts before and since. Especially since it pops up completely on its own when you sit down at your the computer that is in front of the only chair in your house and will not go away until you read every single word. But take heart! There is no need to have a stroke about it. Simply go to neverseenlost.wordpress.com/refunds to request your time back. They will get back to you within 48 hours with an e-coupon that can be used to refund the 5 minutes of your life you spent reading this.

      Motard.

      “Having hands doesn’t make you good enough to be a concert pianist. Having feet doesn’t make you fast enough to be an Olympic runner. Having access to a keyboard and the internet doesn’t make you interesting enough that other people want to read what you have to say.” – Me

      Reply

      • Posted by Dominator on April 22, 2010 at 3:28 pm

        “Having access to a keyboard and the internet doesn’t make you interesting enough that other people want to read what you have to say.”

        I don’t care what you have to say and clearly you don’t for what I have to say. You wasted your time typing that for no reason…

        Reply

        • Posted by Susie McNeil on April 23, 2010 at 4:20 pm

          Oh. My. Gawd. It’s a TV show, and we’re all huge fans. But for the love of God, this is a deliciously sarcastic and hillarious interpretation of the final season. If you can’t appreciate it’s intended spirit, don’t read it.

          Also, possibly consider putting the video games down, getting out of your basement, and talking to people, it’s super fun.

          Reply

          • Posted by Dominator on April 23, 2010 at 11:04 pm

            Oh yeah its great that I don’t own a single video game and go out all the time with my friends. I can’t watch and speculate on a television show without me being called a basement dweller?

    • Posted by Beema on April 22, 2010 at 11:58 am

      Because Flocke didn’t explain in that scene that he was helping Jack find DRINKING WATER from A STREAM. He just said “help you find water.” So if this guy really has not seen the show before, mentioning the Ocean as water is perfectly legit.

      If you aren’t mature enough to handle someone mocking the shoddy writing of this show, you probably shouldn’t be reading this blog.

      Reply

      • Posted by Dominator on April 22, 2010 at 3:26 pm

        He has seen it. He wouldn’t be making such ridiculous remarks to these things. Does he think the writers are that stupid that they couldn’t find water in earlier seasons?

        Reply

        • Posted by elsie on May 1, 2010 at 11:17 am

          You’re a major-ass twerp. The OP is witty and charming and you are neither. Give up, or go on e-bay and order a sense of humor. I’m sure you could find a second-hand olde rmodel that wouldn’t be too much of a strain on your brain.

          Reply

    • Posted by Holladon on April 22, 2010 at 2:56 pm

      Yeah, man. I hate jokes, too. Jokes suck.

      Reply

    • Posted by sniperkuiper on April 22, 2010 at 3:25 pm

      I feel sorry for you and your non-existent sense of humor

      Reply

    • Posted by traci on April 24, 2010 at 3:15 am

      Boy, that sure shows how ‘different’ people are!

      Reply

  35. How did you know about the golf course on the island?

    They haven’t even talked about that this season.

    Hmm…………..

    Reply

    • Posted by Juan Peron on April 22, 2010 at 7:55 am

      I caught that too. Might have been a lucky joke, but…

      Reply

    • Posted by meimy on April 22, 2010 at 1:52 pm

      I’m not seeing where a golf course was mentioned. Where did he say something about a golf course?

      Reply

      • He removed it from the photo he drew.

        Clearly, he’s seen the show before and slipped up.

        Reply

        • Posted by Dominator on April 22, 2010 at 3:29 pm

          Exactly.

          Reply

          • Posted by EddieW on April 22, 2010 at 5:36 pm

            I doubt he’s never seen any of the episodes before but so what. Like I’ve seen an episode of Grey’s Anatomy here or there but never followed it so would feel free to write a neverseengreys blog.

            It’s just simpler to say you’ve never seen it than explain you’ve only seen bits and pieces in passing.

          • Posted by Juan Peron on April 22, 2010 at 6:01 pm

            There’s a big difference between “I don’t watch Lost” and “I’ve never seen Lost”. Dude slipped up. Still a funny blog (usually; not this week)

          • Posted by Sorbia on April 23, 2010 at 2:49 pm

            At first I thought the golf course was just a coincidence, but the fact that he went back and removed it is really suspicious.

          • Posted by meimy on April 24, 2010 at 7:35 pm

            Oh wow. I was really believing that he was legit but if he actually removed it than I’m guessing he really has seen the show and is totally faking it. Otherwise it wouldn’t occur to him that he should remove it.

          • Posted by Sophie on April 28, 2010 at 11:22 am

            Jeeeeez! You guys are so serious about stuff!

  36. Posted by Eve on April 22, 2010 at 1:04 am

    Laughed till I cried, as usual. Great work.

    Reply

  37. Posted by whatevs on April 22, 2010 at 3:13 am

    Love love love reading these entries. It reminds us die hard fans not to take the show too seriously! Enough with the Jack-hate though. As far as I can tell he hasn’t actually done anything to piss anyone off this season so I don’t get why you hate on him so much….

    Reply

  38. Soooo glad you mentioned the night-to-day switcheroo. Perhaps the most egregious thing they’ve done all season – other than the supernatural hot tub, of course.

    Reply

    • Posted by Juan Peron on April 22, 2010 at 7:55 am

      Those night-day switches are a staple of Lost. Really, watch the past seasons, it happens all the time. not justifying it, but it’s nothing new.

      Reply

    • Posted by traci on April 24, 2010 at 3:20 am

      I just figured Hurley’s troop must have traveled all thru the night and met up with Locke, and Co. just before dawn, so by the time they were done talking, it was light out. They don’t have twilight in Hawaii.

      Reply

  39. Posted by Juan Peron on April 22, 2010 at 7:32 am

    Hmm, disappointed in this one. Seems like you’ve slipped from satirizing to just bashing without the funny.

    Also, while I wouldn’t normally fill you in, the audience has known that Jack and Claire are siblings for years. It was not intended to be a surprise.

    Reply

    • Posted by Justin Stephen Xavier Smith on April 22, 2010 at 10:17 am

      He doesn’t care about our devoted-ness. He doesn’t read these comments, and he’s going to continue to make mistakes. That’s what makes this so much fun.

      Reply

      • Posted by Juan Peron on April 22, 2010 at 6:04 pm

        Sure he doesn’t read the comments or care about his readers. Just like he’s never seen Lost. I never really bought it — he gets the names wrong way too consistently for it to be real. The golf course slip clinched it. Still funny. Usually. this one wasn’t.

        Reply

        • Posted by Justin Stephen Xavier Smith on April 26, 2010 at 11:27 pm

          I feel like making mistakes would happen MORE often if you hadn’t seen the show before. And I think the golf course thing was just a joke that happened to be true. It’s like if he randomly said there are polar bears on the island. It sounds ridiculous, even though it happened.

          Reply

  40. Posted by Justin Stephen Xavier Smith on April 22, 2010 at 10:17 am

    This is probably my favorite recap so far. I laughed (obnoxiously loud) three or four times. Congrats.

    Reply

  41. Posted by Patrick on April 22, 2010 at 11:26 am

    “Forrest picks up Bubba” and “Upskirt Mirror” are hilarious. Love this blog because it basically points out quirky stuff or things that seem very odd to me when I am watching, but forget about because something distracts me. Nice work man.

    Reply

  42. Posted by Beema on April 22, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Reading this always brightens up my day after getting so depressed on Tuesday nights. Watching Lost has become some weird masochistic ritual.

    best quotes for me:
    “Kate sees through his charade and points out Sawyer let her go because he didn’t want people to know he was in Australia. I don’t remember why he went, but it can’t be worse than letting a wanted murderer go free.”

    “He consults the cocktail napkin map (mapkin?). “They should be right here! Next to the ketchup stain and above the little owl drawing!” ”
    ehehe

    “I would like to see the two lost worlds told in linear format. So instead of jumping, we see everything on the island at once then everything not on the island. I think the redundancies would be glaring.”

    But then the really bad writing would be so much more obvious! For instance, I’m surprised you didn’t point out how Sun was shot like a day after the plane landed, but Locke’s accident happened like a week after it landed, yet somehow they wind up at the hospital on the same day at the same time.

    “I’d also like to show someone nothing but the first segment of the show and last 15 minutes of each episode and see if they could follow along. I bet they could.”
    Oh they certainly could. Heck, just the last 15 minutes would suffice.

    Reply

    • Posted by Captain Fuzzbottom on April 23, 2010 at 10:30 pm

      Hey Beema from the ‘lage. Good to see you have found some solace in these recaps as I have. Our beloved show will not live up to the promise of it’s first few seasons, though I confess I am still enjoying it. Peace.

      Reply

  43. Posted by seacaptain on April 22, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    Your reviews are always hilarious but dude you’re bashing Jack a little too much…

    Reply

    • Posted by sniperkuiper on April 22, 2010 at 3:28 pm

      You don’t understand… he’s overly bashing Jack on purpose! its a comedic effect that at least I enjoy.

      Reply

      • Posted by Jo on April 22, 2010 at 3:44 pm

        but it is really unclear as to why he hates Jack so much. Jack’s been pretty mellow all season, so unless he’s seen the show before, it is really hard to find a reason for the overt Jack-bashing

        Reply

        • Posted by Yup on April 23, 2010 at 1:42 am

          I agree-it’s getting a bit old to hear him direct so much sarcasm at jack. These blog entries were so funny at the beginning when they reflected the hilarity if the goings on if you hadn’t followed the show but now they seem to have reverted to bashing a few characters in particular and trashing the writers for every single plotline!

          Reply

          • Posted by elsie on May 1, 2010 at 11:20 am

            I see it as a sort of reaction to the crush he’s obviously had on Jack from the start. Remember at the beginning he was so complimentary and we were all like WTF why are you complimenting Jack of all people?

            He’s having to go through the same disillusionment-with-Jack stage we all did, just really fast :-)

  44. Posted by BENJAMIN LINUS' GIRL on April 22, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    BENJAMIN LINUS IS NEVER BORING blogperson, he’s amazing!

    However, for all of those who say this blogger has watched before, NO TRUE LOST FAN WOULD EVER CALL BENJAMIN BORING! One of the most realised television characters ever created, albeit painfully underused this season! I still have faith in you Benjamin!!

    p.s I still love this blog!!

    Reply

    • Posted by elsie on May 1, 2010 at 11:26 am

      Exactly – who knows if he’s really never seen LOST, but if so, he’s missed nearly all Ben’s great scenes. Season 6 for Ben has mostly consisted of following people around, being yelled at or beat up on, whining, and begging to be included in things. To see him reduced to this if you’ve been following him for 4 years is interesting, but if not, yeah, “the weiner-y guy” is a great description.

      Reply

  45. [...] Episode 13 of the Final Season of LOST SPOILER ALERT!!!!! We’re here for one reason only.  To talk about the latest episode of LOST and the goings ons [...] [...]

    Reply

  46. GREAT POST….

    I’m surprised you didn’t catch on them making fun of Hurley’s weight this week – on the boat, “I saw some canned food down in the galley” at 33 minutes 15 seconds into the show… rewatch it on Hulu.com and you’ll see.

    Reply

  47. Posted by Lourdes on April 22, 2010 at 9:12 pm

    When I saw Sad Day Monster pick up Jack after they got bombed, I totally thought of Forrest picking up Bubba too. A+

    Reply

  48. Posted by Laura M on April 22, 2010 at 9:37 pm

    Yesterday I decided I couldn’t handle the monotony of LOST anymore so I would just read the wikipedia recaps until the finale…but then I realized that I wasn’t as likely to laugh my head off at your blog if I didn’t have to suffer through it with you, so I’m going to suck it up and keep watching till the end.

    Excellent post, btw

    Reply

  49. Posted by JSP on April 23, 2010 at 12:27 am

    Yeah, this one was a rare miss for me. If you haven’t seen the show, yeah, the biggest section of the thing was lol’ing at the “sibling plot twist”, when for us that was revealed in Season 2, and more characters gradually discovered more about it over the course of 5 years. If you have seen the show, then it just really wasn’t that funny of a joke.

    Like I said though, rare miss. I’ve loved most of the entries, hope next week is a return to form.

    Reply

  50. Posted by Captain Fuzzbottom on April 23, 2010 at 10:35 pm

    Best bit was the reference to the face-into-lawnmower scene from Point Break. Clearly the standard for all suburban death matches.

    Reply

  51. Posted by traci on April 24, 2010 at 4:04 am

    “He consults the cocktail napkin map (mapkin?). “They should be right here! Next to the ketchup stain and above the little owl drawing!”

    Mapkin! Love it!

    Reply

  52. Posted by Julie on April 25, 2010 at 10:11 pm

    I love you!

    Reply

  53. All the people came from the Temple.

    Reply

  54. Posted by spud on April 26, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    The family and I thought it would have been cool if the fench wasn’t turned off yet when Jin and Sun ran toward eachother. As soon as they meet…..BOOM!!! Just like Illanya (whatever).

    Reply

  55. Posted by Matt on April 27, 2010 at 12:24 am

    All this clown does is rip on the show because he doesn’t get the bit, being a late-comer, and sycophants fall all over themselves giving him praise.

    “Ohh AHH HAHA HA!!! He’s.. NEVER SEEN THE SHOW! I love it!”

    Please.. this is lame and fake.

    Reply

  56. Posted by rengeCorrea on April 27, 2010 at 12:11 pm

    Forrest picks up Bubba and takes him to a safe place.
    .. LMAO!!

    Hysterical as ever!

    Come on peeps, we all need to laugh!!

    Reply

  57. Posted by Benoit on April 28, 2010 at 11:23 am

    I heard that the two-hours Lost pilot will be re-aired on ABC couple days before the finale.
    You should review it ! That will be a good contrast between the season 6. And, of course, this will be funny !

    Reply

  58. Posted by Lula Mae Sykes on April 28, 2010 at 7:59 pm

    Mapkin is now a permanent word in my personal vocabulary list.

    Reply

  59. Posted by Eve on April 28, 2010 at 9:19 pm

    i don’t care if the blogger has seen the show before or not … this is funny as hell. I NEVER laugh so hard that I cry, but every single time I read this blog, it happens. Pure, free entertainment and probably the best blog about Lost because it actually makes sense. Much better than EW’s 12-page essays on existentialism and references to obscure literature no one’s ever read. Kudos to you, Mr. Never Seen Lost!

    Reply

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