Episode 3 of the Final Season of LOST

SPOILER ALERT!!!!! This blog is about Episode 3.  It contains details about the episode and also explains exactly what LOST has been about all these years.  I’m just smart like that.

College dorm room or LOST writer's room? You decide.

Before we begin.  Was it just me or did it seem like the writers realized it was their last season and they had to tie a bunch of loose ends together?  Watching this I just kept imaging a college kid who didn’t realize his midterm paper was due tomorrow so was scrambling to pull an all-nighter and just started making up facts.  You know what I mean?  Course you do. Personally I think the writers jumped the gun because they clearly explained everything in this one episode.  All in the last 5 minutes no less.

I have no idea what anyone’s name is anymore.  I thought the Rebel was named Sawyer but the Sad Day Monster kept calling him James Ford.  I though the portly gentleman was named Hurley but apparently his name is Hugo Reyes.  Again, shame on the LOST writers for naming a huge person Hugo.  It’s probably glandular.  I’m pretty bad with names to begin with, so this is not helping.

Overall What is Happening

I think it’s pretty clear.  Jacob has been tasked with protecting the island from nothing and was looking for a successor so he could retire to a non-island.  He made a bunch of planes crash on the island to interview candidates, class president style.  A bunch of people have failed (died) and so his list is getting pretty short on nominees.  Sawyer and the Sad Day Monster say “no thanks” so there are two less candidates.  That’s it.  That’s all this show has been about.

(brushes dust off hands)

…

Anyone wanna go get a milkshake?

I ordered us one malt, two straws. *Wink*

More Detailed Episode Recap

I already explained the entire series above, but I guess we should do the full episode recap for posterity’s sake.

John was the focus of tonight’s episode in “The World Where LOST Doesn’t Exist Because the Plane Didn’t Crash” (never thought about that, did ya?).  Man, does his life suck.  I am pretty sure the writers just copied a bunch of FML’s to write his storyline.  He starts by getting home through a self driving van.  Or a ghost drove his van.  Or the guy who drove the van ran away after pulling up to his house.  Either way, John is flying solo as he tries to get out of his van.  The little elevator shorts out.  Rather than calling a neighbor he tries to make the jump and doesn’t make it.  Then as he is lying face down on the lawn the sprinklers turned on.  A lady named Ellen comes running out of the house to help him out.  Not sure why he didn’t just call her up on the ol’ cellphone once he got stranded, but to each his own.

John then stars in his own Cialis commercial by hanging out in a bathtub.  His lady is not in an accompanying bathtub, so you know, take that how you want. Ellen finds a business card for Dr. Hunkenstein (Jack) and gets all excited that he is a spine surgeon.  She asks John what up with that?  He says it was just some dude being polite… offering him a chance to walk again… whatevs, nothing to follow up on.

John goes to work at his telemarketing job.  His boss, who is trying too hard to be Dave Grohl, calls him out on not being at a conference.  Then fires him.  Not cool.  John goes out to the parking lot and some Hummer parked too close to his spot.   Turns out Hurley owns the Hummer.  John is rude to him.  Hurley is socially uncomfortable.  He offers John an opportunity at a temp agency he owns.  They become super buddies.  Hurley tells John to keep his chin up.  He’s saying that because Hurley doesn’t have one and wants John to appreciate what he’s got.  Also, he is a billionaire and doesn’t understand the concept of sadness.

John goes to the temp agency and is overall an unpleasant person.  Just interview, chief.  He grouches out and asks to see a manager.  She’s a pretty cool lady who is willing to tell it like it is.  As John is hanging streamers for a pity party, the Manager drops the bomb that she has terminal cancer.  Snap.  In your face.  She clearly is lying because if you have terminal cancer you probably shouldn’t be working as a manager at a temp agency.  You should be on a remote tropical island.

John explains to his wife that he got fired.  For being engaged and living together, she is really uninvolved in his life.  John admits he went for a walkabout and they said no.  Bummer.  All he packed were hunting knives.

The island was pretty straightforward this time around.  As straightforward as a deserted island with 15 different plane crashes, a few ghosts, and a monster can be at least.

It starts with a sequence that looks like it was directly lifted from The Animal.  Only difference is instead of it being the point of view of Rob Schneider it turned out to be the Sad Day Monster.  The Monster opens a bag and out pops Richard.  Being polite, the Monster apologizes for beating Richard and taking him off the beach.  Hey, no sweat.  This is the first of several times in the episode where someone politely explains what is going on.  Here we learn that Richard is a candidate and that if he just follows the guy who beat the heck out of him, everything will be explained.  Smartly, Richard says no.  Good lesson for the kids.  If someone mugs you, then promises to explain one of life’s mysteries, don’t follow them to a remote part of an already deserted island.  Speaking of kids.  Some blond kid appears.  It totally messes with the Monster.  I think his biological clock is ticking.  Someone’s baby crazy.

Sad Day Cloud just wants to hold him for a little while.

The Nerd is back (also known as Weinery Guy) and is as weinery as ever.  He can’t even lie convincingly when he admits he killed Jacob.  It’s here that we find out the Sad Day Monster is recruiting.  I would like to sign up.

The Monster stumbles into one of the luxury cabanas on the deserted island… where there is a record player… and booze.  Sawyer is tipsy and nude.  Finally, people are starting to enjoy their paradise.  Apparently they have TONS of Jim Beam.  Sad Day Monster decides to tip one back.  Then he goes around beating people in a drunken rage.  So sad.  He had so much potential.  Here we find out Sawyer is a homeowner.  Which is great.  This is a great time to buy if you are able to get a good down payment.  Sad Day Monster is playing the role of mortgage lender and telling Sawyer he doesn’t own squat.  Really amazing how far this economic downturn has spread.

The Monster informs Sawyer he can answer the most important question in the world: Why are you on this island?  Sawyer answers that it’s because his plane crashed… and his raft broke… and his… helicopter got messed up…?  No wonder he turned to the sauce and is so grumpy.  Sawyer agrees to go with him but first he needs to get his pants. Normally, the long list of transportation options would confuse me.  I’ve learned to just go with it.  There were probably 10 other vehicles on the island.  They need one of those amphibian duck tour boats.

On the beach, everyone decides to go to the temple.  Which sounds like a great idea.  PARTY!  We also find out some dude (I think curly haired Asian) is named Jin (Jen?  Gin?).  Which is great because I’ve wanted to know his name for a while.  Then some square points out they should bury John.  Nuts to that, just float him out to sea.  A lot less work, same result.

Sawyer and Bad Day Monter are walking through the woods when they see the blond kid.  Sawyer is drunk enough that he sees him too.  The Monster, instead of turning into his real rain cloud self, decides to run after him.  He trips. He falls.  Blondie reminds him of the rules and that he isn’t allowed to kill Sawyer.  Sad Day Monster is a rebel though.  He’ll do what he wants.  That’s why he likes Sawyer.  He gets it.

While all this is going on, Sawyer is just standing in a drunken stupor.  Richard pops out of nowhere and warns Sawyer that this guy is not to be trusted.  Sawyer ignores him.  Rebels stick together.  Richard runs away, the Monster returns.  Sawyer: “What happened to the kid?” Monster: “What kid?”  Sawyer: “Right.”  Here’s my question:  What does Sawyer think the Monster did with the kid?  He said “right” in the same way people in gang movies talk.  Like Sawyer just assumed he killed the kid and is saying he won’t narc.  After Sawyer drunkenly rambles about John Steinbeck, we find out that the Sad Day Monster used to be a People.  Good to know.

The folks on the beach (Team Jacob) go to bury John in a pretty big grave yard.  By my count this deserted island has 263 occupants.  This is supposed to be a sad funeral where he gets buried. I assume so at least.  No one wants to say anything until Nerdlinger admits John was a better man than him (that’s a long list) and he is sorry for murdering him.  No one really reacts to his confession.  This island needs a judicial system of some sort.

Finally, Drunk Sawyer and Sad Day Monster get to a cliff where someone has built a pretty impressive ladder system. They climb down and since Sawyer is hammered he falls down a bit and the Sad Day Monster saves him.  They go into a cave where Monster throws a rock and says it is an inside joke.  I don’t get it.  It’s here that they explain everything about the show. Jacob has been handing candy bars to everyone who ended up on the island.  He gave Sawyer his when he was a kid and then apparently took a sabbatical and started giving them out again 20 years later. There’s auditions to take over the island.  Everyone has a number.  Dead people are crossed off.  I got excited when I saw “8 – Reyes” because I thought that meant Jose Reyes was on the island somewhere.  But alas, Jose is #7.   Clearly Jack is #23 because he is the Michael Jordan of being handsome.  The Sad Day Monster gives Sawyer 3 choices.  1) Do nothing (sounds great to me. I’m gonna go back to getting drunk and listening to rock music on a tropical island.) 2) Protect the island from nothing.  (sounds like option 1, I’m in.) 3) We just go.  Thelma and Louise style.

Drunk Sawyer votes that they hit the bricks.  Not what I would have chosen.

Thoughts I Have

• Character names to this point:  Jack, John, James, Jin, Jacob.  Can we turn the page in the baby-name book that the writers are using to name characters?
• Speaking of names, Randy Nations was John’s boss.  C’mon.  Between that and Dr. Goodspeed I am starting to think everyone on land is using an alias.
• If the Monster was gonna make nice with Sawyer, he should have disguised himself as Juliette.  Then they could have made that baby the Monster is jonesing for.
• The first time I saw the actor who plays Richard he was as the Mayor in The Dark Knight.  At the time I thought it was really progressive for the people of Gotham to elect someone who wore guyliner (eyeliner for dudes).  He’s wearing it again in LOST.  I bet he has a rider in his contract that he gets to wear it regardless of role.  I hope he one day gets to live his dream of starring in a David Bowie music video.
  

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